PW #96: Poly roundtable

The new Polyamory Weekly #96: Poly roundtable is up! Direct download is here.

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Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page! We’re trying to get 300 Diggs; now on just 46!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
This will be unlike our regular show format; it’s the edited version of a poly roundtable discussion from Conflation. We hear from a lot of folks around the table–monogamists, long-time polyamorists, young poly newbies, cancer survivors and Asperger’s sufferers–a little bit of everyone.

3:30 Poly rountable
5:05 we hear from S, a Southern Baptist who is not currently poly
7:25 doesn’t lie about his life;
9:30 Ken defines “SOOSO”; Jeffrey uses “um… friend”; minx brings up “metamour”; we go over frubble and compersion
12:30 Jeffrey says he’s never not been poly; Ken dated different women, but Misty was the first one he was honest with;
15:10 Maya says that exposure is important for understanding jealousy; Jeffrey comments on monogamy as the standard for “true love”
16:15 Karen, Jeffrey’s husband, tells about his coming out to her and her becoming poly and being with J for 17 years
17:30 David, married to Dawn Marie, is celebrating their 11th anniversary soon;
18:40 most important lesson: Shelley says absolute honesty;
19:50 Jeffrey says the honesty/communication clichés are there because they’re true; his most valuable lesson was that all relationships take work
20:30 Shelley says relationships are like a business—you have to work at them; she asks why you would would stop working on the relationship after courtship 17:50 Brad posits that monogamous folks would claim it’s so you can put your energy into the rest of your life; Jeffrey says this explains why the average long-term relationship is about two years and that this explains the divorce rate
22:25 Brad uses the Victorian harm reduction strategy to compare the American policy of ignoring the fact that monogamy doesn’t work (if we don’t talk about these things, no one will ever think of them)
23:30 Karen comments that part of poly is letting your partner enjoy things you can’t stand; Brad comments that people can be jealous of activities, not even sex; minx comments on sitcoms plots not existing without jealousy
25:25 Jeffrey says it’s not about the sex at all—sex is just a sign of what’s inside; jealousy/compersion don’t’ have anything g to do with sex; Karen talks about definitions of trust; minx asks Karen and Jeffrey about boundaries; Jeffrey mentions they do have veto power; Karen mentions a veto because a partner got possessive;
29:10 Maya shares that she came into this poly group of friends at 18 and about her being on a commune for two years; her most valuable lesson is not to compromise herself (her poly nature) in a relationship; Brad disagrees with minx that poly is a necessity for everyone who identifies as poly
35:05 S uses an analogy about doing two jobs he likes and being faithful to one or the other; Karen comments on how much a part of you poly is; as a breast cancer survivor, she was thankful Jeffrey had outlets for when she wasn’t up for sex for months at a time;
37:35 Tom says anything outside the rules is “cheating”, so when we modify the rules, others see it as our “letting” partners do this; Shelly comments that many people don’t realize there is a chance to set rules; her sex life changed after her hysterectomy, and she knew she had women to take care of her and him during this time; Jeffrey comments that the divorce rate among cancer survivors is astronomical because a caregiver’s needs aren’t being met;
41:50 LilMischief (a new partner of Jeffrey’s) is new to poly; she was monogamous for a long time, which only worked because the pill killed her sex drive;
43:30 Tammy is in a poly triad of five years; sex is integral but it’s not all about the sex
44:45 LilMischief has been learning parental skills due to her family’s kids; Karen adds that she and Jeffrey share a house with another couple and his girlfriend has a child
45:45 Brad says he’s never not been poly: he never understood jealousy; he comments that with agreements, it’s also important to say what will happen when a rule is broken; Jeffrey comments that he never understood why infidelity in whatever form is typically considered a capital offense; we talk about what constitutes trust
50:30 Jeffrey distinguishes between jealousy and envy; normal vs mainstream; 49:30 fiona distinguishes jealousy from envy
53:50 Jeff (not Jeffrey) comments on the jealousy issue revolving around our society equating sex with love
55:20 a monogamous woman describes herself and her husband as “high-maintenance” but having an intimate circle of men to share feelings with; Brad describes his role as her “emergency backup husband” who shares intimate details but no sex

59:30 Wrap-Up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

PW #97: Polyamory in Studio 60

The new Polyamory Weekly #97: Polyamory in Studio 60 is up! Direct download is here.

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!

Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com

1:10 Announcements
Welcome to our new Escape Pod listeners; kudos to Violet blue; my first sci-fi con; thanks for your generous offers of support and sympthay as well as your generous tips and donations—thanks this week to Jason, Victoria, Monk, Laurie Ann and Graydancer

5:50 Listener Mail
Brent asks what other polys think of Valentine’s Day; 7:00 Shandra corrects a misconception about furries, stating being a furry isn’t all about “dressing up in funny costumes and having sex” but rather about expressing one’s animalistic side

8:40 Poly in the Media
9:20 pointed out this article stating that who you love and how you love them being more of a political statement than who you vote for; 10:45 this article in MSNBC shows that compatibility and sexual attraction might be genetic; 12:20 a new kinky salon in San Francisco is polysexual, a haven for burners and freaks; Jared says it’s not a “sex club,” but likeminded folks who can share whatever energy they feel; 15:10 Mistress Matisse wrote another insightful article on what it takes to be poly—exactly how you feel isn’t as important as how you respond to those feelings and that poly skills evolve; 18:20 Washington Defense of Marriage alliance proposes to challenge the law that limits marriage to couples planning to raise kids together by requiring that procreation be a legal definition of marriage!!

20:00 Topic: Studio 60 mentions polyamory!
Finally, a mention of polyamory in the mainstream media that is accurate, intelligent and seamless; minx reports on the mention of polyamory and Loving More in Studio 60, this Aaron Sorkin show and praises its seamless, relatively unbiased inclusion in the snappy dialogue; 27:20 aTV blog comments on the mention of poly in Studio 60 with a critique of abstinence programs

28:50 Wrap-Up
I’m a little behind with email; recorded Sunday and catching up; thanks again for offers of help and support! Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

Poly Weekly #95:

The new Polyamory Weekly #95: Marriage as a Sacrament is up! Direct download is here.

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!

Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; minx freezes her ass off in Chicago

1:45 Announcements
Why not make a donation to PW to help with bandwidth and the new blog?

2:30 Listener Mail
minx glows about PW being a community resource; Vir wrote in in response to a listener’s question about being jealous of a partner’s activities because she herself was disabled; Vir distinguishes between jealousy and envy; 5:00 Terri also addresses the issue–she has spina bifida and lives in outdoorsy Austin, Texas; she takes it upon herself to create non-outdoorsy social activities with her active partner and feels she gets plenty of shared time;

7:30 Resource: Poly Jewelry
Check out this beautiful pendant that is poly-friendly

8:15 Listener mail: Tolerance
Terry sent in an audio comment on tolerance (and furries) asking where to draw the line; minx comments that consenting adults is essential; 10:50 Mike comments that once a groups gets some acceptance, it becomes less tolerant of other alternative groups because it worked so hard for its own acceptance and feels the need to feel “enlightened”

12:15 Topic: Marriage as a Sacrament vs. Civil Institution
‘s post on marriage spawned a fascinating debate; S points out that marriage is now both a social contract and a sacrament and the issue is that when we change the social contract, fear arises that the sacrament loses meaning or must change as well; she points out that sacraments and rituals reflect community rites of passage–the ritual and sacrament is designed to create not only a bond between parties involved but also one with the community at large; points out that civil marriage (a contract) and the sacrament of marriage aren’t the same thing

20:00 Announcement
After five years, our poly family is disbanding due to one family member not wanting the family structure that we had; if you know or , please contact them and offer them support as well

21:30 Wrap-Up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

A love triangle? Try a hexagon

What an interesting article to compliment the mention of polyamory on Studio 60 recently. This article in The Floridian, a St. Petersburg paper, does what I wish all articles did: uses a real poly family to show how poly “works,” but backs it all up with research about the creation of the polyamory movement, issues with marriage and children, and the psychology involved.

Of particular interest to me were Neumann’s word on envy:

“I just wish I had that new relationship fluffiness going on,” he says. “It’s like the little kid in you seeing a new toy and saying, ‘I want, I want, I want.’ “

I am impressed that he made the distinction between jealousy and envy and can easily talk about what he wants when he sees his parter in the midst of NRE. Nicely done.

Also of interest to me because it’s very much my own style was this:

Ve Ard says she’s not having sex with all of her boyfriends. But whenever she adds another lover to her repertoire, she sends him a “sexual history disclosure” spreadsheet, complete with names of partners, the types of sexual contact they had and the results of tests for sexually transmitted diseases. She expects the same in return.

So when she and Dunphy initiated a sexual relationship, they exchanged spreadsheets and she disclosed to him that she has had human papillomavirus, or HPV, a common sexually transmitted disease. They also got tested for other STDs, including HIV, and shared the results with each other – and with Neumann.

“Because I’m sexually involved with her, any new diseases will affect me,” Neumann says.

I’m such a big advocate for full sexual disclosure of a new partner’s history to EVERYONE in the family so that everyone can make decisions about their own sexual health that this really appealed to me. And kudos to her for being brave enough to disclose her own sexual history to a newspaper!

Another interesting tidbit:

“Cherie (Smoocherie) invented the word polysaturation,” says Neumann. “If she gets enough partners, all of us are going to go to her and say, ‘Cherie, come on, you’re spread too thin.’ “

I’ve never heard this word, but I like it! Perhaps it rings a bit too true with me because of my own recent discussions with , but it’s a great term for something that many of us have had to deal with. The polysaturator (polysaturatee?) rarely sees it, so it’s up to the partners to point it out.

Jason Carter and Conflation, Day 1

OK, well, just so you know, this entry is probably going to be mostly about how damn funny Jason Carter is. What’s not to love about a funny, drunk Brit with long hair?

Nothing, I say!

Bits from Jason from last nights panel:

“We’re modern pirates. We have bionic parrots.”
“Wanna play pocket Twister?”
“I thought a tampon was a period costume.”

We dubbed him “The Prince of Hotness and Nudity.” Oh, and ask him about his poem, /em>The Day Our Gram Got Flushed Down the Loo.

Yes, I have video of him reciting some of his dead funny poetry. Awaiting permission for posting.

Oh, and yes, I did flash Jason my boobs during his talk. He barely blinked. Good man.

OK, can I even talk about anything OTHER than Jason? Possibly. Let’s see. I’ll try.

Poly Roundtable
The poly roundtable went great! We had over a dozen people attend and share their stories, experiences and questions, which is exactly what I was hoping would happen. Everyone was so generous in sharing their opinions (AHEM sometimes very strong opinions!) about everything from whether it’s all about the sex to dealing with cancer to the nature of being poly. As soon as I can edit the discussion, it will be up in the feed for those who are interested!

Escape Pod

Just checking out feedback on the story I read for Escape Pod. Quite a few people didn’t like it (the story, not my reading of it) and seemed to find the plot too predictable and not sci-fi-y enough (I interpret and paraphrase their responses), while others found the main character flawed and remarkably human.

Read the feedback at the forums here

I guess that’s why I like it–the Very Bad Idea of testing a relationship is, unfortunately, not all that uncommon and garnered responses like, “gee, that sounds like my ex-girlfriend.” Not a good idea by any means, but I always thought that part of the role of sci-fi was to look at how we would act IF… along with all the moral, ethical and theoretical musings on time travel, alien interaction, etc.

In short, I think people respond to humanity in whatever form. And I think this story showed that–how very human its characters were.

Where I’ll be

Where I’ll be this weekend: Conflation, my first sci-fi convention.

I’m scared!

Except… Jason Carter is speaking. On Babylon 5. ::swoon:: If I wanted to distract myself, that would be the way to do it. So… think if I elbow/kick/bump off everyone else who enters, I could win the raffle to go to dinner with Jason? I’m small but tough… ::swoon again::

For me, I’m doing a roundtable on polyamory (although it’s still not on the schedule, hmmmm) and a presentation on podcasting. Hopefully, these will be fun and distracting. And it’s all new people this weekend!

PW #94: Emotional Intelligence

The new Polyamory Weekly #94: Emotional Intelligence is up! Direct download is here.

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!

Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com

1:20 Announcements
Polyamory Weekly may be sporadic over the next few months due to some issues in the family; check out minx’ reading of Kay Kenyon’s story, The Acid Test, on Escape Pod

3:10 Listener Mail
Bill Beattie is “chuffed” that we liked his article on jealousy; J from England rants about Erik Kerouak and how the U.S. is doomed (yeah, we know); a propos of Kerouak, Tyler wrote in to share a link to Kerouak’s actual slide presentation on Oxytocin; 6:20 A wrote in even though she’s not poly, but her boyfriend recently shared a threesome fantasy and realized that, because they are monogamous, it was important to be receptive to her partner’s fantasy; she also asked about vees and triads are formed; K wrote in to ask about jealousy with respect to disabilities–how does one deal with being jealous about the good physical health and activity level of a partner’s partners when one is limited by a disability; minx asks for suggestions but also mentions coming to terms with the limitations personally first, independent of a partner

18:10 Topic: Emotional Intelligence
Steve Hein created “The Ten Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People,” including that high EQ peopl

  1. Label their feelings, rather than labeling people or situations
  2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings
  3. Take responsibility for their feelings
  4. Use their feelings to help them make decisions
  5. Show respect for other people’s feelings
  6. Feel energized, not angry
  7. Value other people’s feelings
  8. Practice getting a positive value from their negative emotions
  9. Don’t avise, command, criticize, control or lecture to aothers
  10. Avoid people who invalidate them or don’t respect their feelings

22:35 Poly in the Media
Yeah, Michigan really has a law criminalizing adultery as Criminal Sexual Misconduct; this article on commitment, sexuality and polyamory has good profiles of a variety of poly families; and interestingly enough, sexual liberation is taking the form of swinging in China

27:40 Wrap-Up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

It’s up! It’s up! It’s up!

:::squeeee!:::

OK, how much of a dork am I that I’m squealing like a schoolgirl because I got to read for Escape Pod?

And it’s up it’s up it’s UP!

OK, yeah, I know; it’s not like I wrote the story, but how cool is it that Stephen Eley said my name and that Polyamory Weekly was good?

Check it out here; Direct download is here

Wow. When did that happen?

When did this happen?

Not upset at all that Polyamory Weekly has a Wikipedia entry, and an accurate one at that, just in wonder/awe at it.

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