PW #96: Poly roundtable

The new Polyamory Weekly #96: Poly roundtable is up! Direct download is here.

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
This will be unlike our regular show format; it’s the edited version of a poly roundtable discussion from Conflation. We hear from a lot of folks around the table–monogamists, long-time polyamorists, young poly newbies, cancer survivors and Asperger’s sufferers–a little bit of everyone.

3:30 Poly rountable
5:05 we hear from S, a Southern Baptist who is not currently poly
7:25 doesn’t lie about his life;
9:30 Ken defines “SOOSO”; Jeffrey uses “um… friend”; minx brings up “metamour”; we go over frubble and compersion
12:30 Jeffrey says he’s never not been poly; Ken dated different women, but Misty was the first one he was honest with;
15:10 Maya says that exposure is important for understanding jealousy; Jeffrey comments on monogamy as the standard for “true love”
16:15 Karen, Jeffrey’s husband, tells about his coming out to her and her becoming poly and being with J for 17 years
17:30 David, married to Dawn Marie, is celebrating their 11th anniversary soon;
18:40 most important lesson: Shelley says absolute honesty;
19:50 Jeffrey says the honesty/communication clichés are there because they’re true; his most valuable lesson was that all relationships take work
20:30 Shelley says relationships are like a business—you have to work at them; she asks why you would would stop working on the relationship after courtship 17:50 Brad posits that monogamous folks would claim it’s so you can put your energy into the rest of your life; Jeffrey says this explains why the average long-term relationship is about two years and that this explains the divorce rate
22:25 Brad uses the Victorian harm reduction strategy to compare the American policy of ignoring the fact that monogamy doesn’t work (if we don’t talk about these things, no one will ever think of them)
23:30 Karen comments that part of poly is letting your partner enjoy things you can’t stand; Brad comments that people can be jealous of activities, not even sex; minx comments on sitcoms plots not existing without jealousy
25:25 Jeffrey says it’s not about the sex at all—sex is just a sign of what’s inside; jealousy/compersion don’t’ have anything g to do with sex; Karen talks about definitions of trust; minx asks Karen and Jeffrey about boundaries; Jeffrey mentions they do have veto power; Karen mentions a veto because a partner got possessive;
29:10 Maya shares that she came into this poly group of friends at 18 and about her being on a commune for two years; her most valuable lesson is not to compromise herself (her poly nature) in a relationship; Brad disagrees with minx that poly is a necessity for everyone who identifies as poly
35:05 S uses an analogy about doing two jobs he likes and being faithful to one or the other; Karen comments on how much a part of you poly is; as a breast cancer survivor, she was thankful Jeffrey had outlets for when she wasn’t up for sex for months at a time;
37:35 Tom says anything outside the rules is “cheating”, so when we modify the rules, others see it as our “letting” partners do this; Shelly comments that many people don’t realize there is a chance to set rules; her sex life changed after her hysterectomy, and she knew she had women to take care of her and him during this time; Jeffrey comments that the divorce rate among cancer survivors is astronomical because a caregiver’s needs aren’t being met;
41:50 LilMischief (a new partner of Jeffrey’s) is new to poly; she was monogamous for a long time, which only worked because the pill killed her sex drive;
43:30 Tammy is in a poly triad of five years; sex is integral but it’s not all about the sex
44:45 LilMischief has been learning parental skills due to her family’s kids; Karen adds that she and Jeffrey share a house with another couple and his girlfriend has a child
45:45 Brad says he’s never not been poly: he never understood jealousy; he comments that with agreements, it’s also important to say what will happen when a rule is broken; Jeffrey comments that he never understood why infidelity in whatever form is typically considered a capital offense; we talk about what constitutes trust
50:30 Jeffrey distinguishes between jealousy and envy; normal vs mainstream; 49:30 fiona distinguishes jealousy from envy
53:50 Jeff (not Jeffrey) comments on the jealousy issue revolving around our society equating sex with love
55:20 a monogamous woman describes herself and her husband as “high-maintenance” but having an intimate circle of men to share feelings with; Brad describes his role as her “emergency backup husband” who shares intimate details but no sex

59:30 Wrap-Up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

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