Poly Weekly #106: Mistress Matisse Gets Down & Dirty

The new Polyamory Weekly #106: Mistress Matisse Gets Down & Dirty is up! Direct download is here.

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!

Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show

Thanks to contributors Armani

2:30 Sponsor: Heartland Polyamory Conference in French Lick, IN, is just $60 per adult including meals!

3:50 Listener Mail
A new listener is frustrated over PW’s format and listener mail segments; minx introduces the show format to new listeners–announcements (5 min), listener mail (10-15 minx), topic (5-20 min), Poly in the Media (0-15 min); 10:00 Robert asks whether he’s poly or just wants to watch two girls fuck; 11:30 Laura thanks for the My Poly Family segment and asks to hear more (let’s be nice to Earthwalker, and maybe he’ll send in more!); 13:00 WaterDusk comments on her poly family/network; C shared this quote about coming out to a friend:

And if a person likes to put on leather and be whipped a bit (fun ;) ), do it on the soft bare grass, watch people do it on TV, write stories about it, draw pictures, be on top, bottom, side, sideways, forwards, backwards, behind-backwards, upside-down, with a woman, with a man, a woman with man parts, both, either, all, lots, or just their own hand, it should all be celebrated, as long as everyone involved wants to participate and is mentally able to.

15:15 Topic: Leather Leadership Conference
minx talks a bit about how the presentation on social media with Graydancer went last weekend (hint, hint–it’s the last item in your feed!); the conference really is about building community in the leather, kink, queer and poly communities, and I highly recommend it!

18:20 Interview: Mistress Matisse Gets Down & Dirty
Mistress Matisse shares her sexy life with Max and Monk; how the D/s works in those poly relationships; being present in the moment; listen as minx asks Matisse a question she’s never been asked!; what kinds of needs her hot, hot partners meet; “running the fuck”; what is “non-sexual BDSM;” definitions of “sex”

39:30 Wrap-Up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

Citizen Kinkster Notes from LLC

For those who attended our talk on Citizen Kinkster: Using Social Media to Build Community at LLC (or those who wish they had), click below for the PDF of the talk outline and all the links we mentioned:

Citizen Kinkster Outline and Links

Poly Weekly #105: Mistress Matisse Talks Poly

The new Polyamory Weekly #105: Mistress Matisse Talks Poly is up! Direct download is here.

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!

Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com

Thanks to contributors Mark and Chris

2:00 Sponsor: Heartland Polyamory Conference in French Lick, IN, is just $60 per adult including meals!

3:45 Listener Mail
Darkmane did the math on the density of poly people on the earth–seriously!; good news is that the average distance between polys is 226.09 km; SalaciousGeek calls in about labels such as “friends with benefits”; Colin suggests “beau”; 6:30 ShyJamie comments on BDSM and poly and on people not speaking when he wears his collar

10:00 Interview: Mistress Matisse Talks Poly
Mistress Matisse shares her poly history about being a kid dreaming about being married to multiple men and women and 10 years of not doing poly well; being honest with yourself; 15:00 struggling to accept poly within herself; what “primary” and “secondary” mean to her; labels are “the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one”; 23:30 fantasy vs. reality poly; the poly holy grail and the HBB (hot bi babe); knowing what you want and what you have to offer; 28:00 how she met Twisted Monk when she wasn’t looking for a substantial partner; just looking for someone you enjoy being with

33:45 Wrap-Up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

Polyamory and the Prisoner’s Dilemma

Tacit just made a great posting about the nature of people, the Prisoner’s Dilemma and our attitudes upon meeting our mate’s new lovers: Polyamory and the Prisoner’s Dilemma

He notes:

I tend to see a lot of people in poly relationships who are very uncomfortable with the idea of meeting a lover’s other lovers. This is among the single most common source of angst I’ve noticed for people who are polyamorous, especially if they’re fairly new to polyamory.

Meeting a lover’s other lover presents a host of opportunity for cooperation or defection. You can reach out to the other person and try to make that person feel welcome; you can be closed up and defensive to that person; you can even be actively hostile to that person. And, of course, your lover’s lover has similar choices.

Reaching out to someone makes you vulnerable. If two people both reach out to one another, then things will tend to go more smoothly; but if one person reaches out and the other is defensive or hostile, the consequences for the person who reaches out can be pretty dire. A strictly rationalistic approach might suggest that the best strategy is to be defensive, because if you’re defensive, you have nothing to gain but nothing to lose either, whereas if you reach out, you might gain something–but you might lose a great deal, as well.

And there’s no question that your expectations about the other person, and your behavior upon meeting that other person, can easily become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Suppose you start out, prior to the meeting, by believing that your partner’s new love is a conniving, self-centered bitch (or bastard), determined to undermine your relationship and to take your partner away from you. If you go into your first meeting with this belief, I guarantee it’s going to show. Your partner’s other partner is going to be able to tell that you don’t trust him (or her), that you’re looking for reasons to dislike him (or her). So that person is likely to behave defensively, even if the first impulse might otherwise have been to reach out to you. You look at the defensive reaction, and say “See, look! I told you this person was bad news!”

Ah, yes. Very insightful, that Tacit. Who among us has not thought, “Oh, well, I’d be more accepting of his lovers if he just brought home people I liked”? It’s just that I happen to dislike everyone he dates.

Uh-huh.

Personally, I’ve worked hard to be accepting. At first, yeah, I was cautious, probably a bit on the negative side. I suspect that if I’d really liked the person, my response would’ve been, “Oh, NO! She’s just like me!” and I’d end up being REALLY threatened. Since it was more often the case that we simply didn’t click right away, I adopted an attitude of, “Well, she might not be my cup of tea, but he sees something in her, so I’m going to look for that.” I didn’t always find it, so I wonder if it was that I was indeed showing a basic mistrust of human nature and walking into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Could be. 90% of the time, though, I did like his lovers on some level or another.

I suspect I was a victim of this from the other end as well, which is why I’m giving it more thought at the moment. This is one of those times when it feels good to hear Mistress Matisse say that she did poly not-so-great for 10 years before forming her currently happy family–makes me feel like I have a chance to do it right, be more open and welcoming and have a more optimistic, generous frame of mind next time around and to look for others who do as well.

Mistress Matisse

Oh, you guys have no idea how awesome and hot the interview with Mistress Matisse is! Guess you’ll just have to wait until next week to find out, wontcha?

The REAL 104 is up

The REAL episode 104 is up. Those who got the unedited version now know the magic that J works on it to make it all nice and pretty!

Fuckety fuck fuck FUCK

Heard that PW 104 was the unedited version. At work, so I can’t do anything about it until lunch at the earliest.

But on the bright side, now y’all have an idea of how hard Jeremiah works to edit the thing and make it sound good, yes?

Poly Weekly #104: Poly & Single, Redux

The new Polyamory Weekly #104: Poly and Single, Redux is up! Direct download is here.

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!

Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; I’ll be at The Leather Leadership Conference in Minneapolis at the end of April, so email me if you want to get together!

1:10 Thanks to contributors Steve, Nut and Alex

1:45 Sponsor: Kinky Ropes is having a $4.20 off all hemp on APRIL 20TH ONLY!

2:45 Sponsor: Heartland Polyamory Conference in French Lick, IN, is just $60 per adult including meals!

4:30 Listener Mail
Sara from Michigan calls in with a name suggestion for Kerouack; CobaltBlue comments on Michelle Belanger’s interview from PW #93 and on furries from PW #99 (he blames the internet); Savanni comments on the network vs. family model of poly; minx comments on the value of getting to know your metamours–what’s the argument against that?; 10:10 minx shares stories of spending the last weekend with a poly tribe of Ldyalia, Morgaanth, Morgaanth and Malboshia in Saint Louis

12:40 Feedback: Steve Eley’s audio story
Rob comments that he was energized after; Sc00ter comments that while he doesn’t usually like added content, but this was great; Alex agreed it was moving; Amy commented it was the “best episode ever” because of the vulnerable aspect

16:20 Listener mail
Inferno wrote in to suggest alternative Italian terms inamorato and inamorata–a man/woman with whom one is in love and has an intimate relationship

18:15 Topic: Being Poly and Single, Redux
BlackFlame’s question about being single and poly garnered quite a response! Amy Gahran mused about it on her personal blog; James asks once you end a poly relationship, why do people think you’re suddenly fair monogamous game? (plus, he talks about making out with another guy, which is just hot!); and where do you meet poly people, anyway? minx recommends becoming active in the community and building a network rather that focusing on dating; Rich thanks BlackFlame for bringing up this topic–he thought he was all alone in this!

30:05 My Poly Family
Earthwalker contributes this segment on poly parenting. He advocates having guidelines, goals and stated values for united and consistent rules as well as stating why you want to be a parent.

36:45 Poly in the Media
Interview with Dossie Easton in Psychology Today

42:30 Wrap-Up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

Upcoming events

Upcoming poly/leather events for the minx:

April 20-22: Leather Leadership Conference in Minneapolis; Graydancer and I will be speaking on using new media to build communities

April 27-29: in Atlanta for a personal visit to Stephen and Anna Eley

May 25-27: Heartland Polyamory Conference in French Lick, IN; two roundtables on poly and the jealousy talk as well!

Poly Weekly #103: Being Poly and Single

The new Polyamory Weekly #103: Being Poly and Single is up! Direct download is here.

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!

Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; I’ll be at The Leather Leadership Conference in Minneapolis at the end of April, so email me if you want to get together!

1:50 Thanks to contributors

2:50 Random quote of the week

3:20 News: Dr. Eric Keroack resigns!
It’s true! According to an article in Townhall News, “Dr.” Eric Keroack has officially resigned after Medicaid officials took action against him in Massachusetts. For more information on Mr. Keroack’s original stealth appointment, listen to PW episode 86.

6:00 Sponsor: KinkyRopes.com!
On April 20th (4-20), $4.20 off all their hemp products!

7:00 Listener mail
Lon wrote in to say he’s been in a stable triad and that a key is to recognize that relationships change over time, and the participants must be flexible enough to adjust; he’s a therapist specializing in poly marriage in the Bay area–check him out at www.lonsarver.com; 10:00 Colin comments that neighborhoods are talked about in terms of family in New Orleans; Mike asked for PW to be translated into Spanish–not gonna happen unless someone else does it; in Poly Weekly #102, we discussed the relationship dynamic that is separate from the people involved in it, and Wikipedia describes something similar to this as “collective effervescence”

14:15 Topic: Being Poly and Single
BlackFlame wrote in to ask about being poly and single, especially as a single man–how do you bring it up with people you date, and how do you keep from being that creepy guy?

28:00 Related
The PolyActive community is working on creating an OKCupid quiz that better reflects poly as a commitment, not the choice of monogamy vs commitment.

29:00 Topic: Steve Eley‘s poly story and flirt note
Steve tells his own poly story of how he and his wife have approached their relationship and a new connection energy; minx reveals abashedly that the “Miss M” he refers to is in fact the minx herself

38:30 Wrap-Up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

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