Poly Weekly Special Edition: Jealousy

The new Poly Weekly Special Edition: Jealousy is up! Direct download is here. [EDIT: This is the correct file, posted 5-5-07]

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Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

From the Heartland Polyamory Conference, listen as minx and others participate in a group discussion of jealousy: what it is, what it isn’t, how to deal with it and how to address it so you can love more.

Rock star Shasta did the work and answered the questions on her blog. See? It’s not that hard!

[edit] This seems to be a popular exercise! Angel also shared her answers and experiences with going through these exercises in her column for the Polyamorous Percolations blog.

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

Poly Weekly #113: A Poly Double Standard?

The new Polyamory Weekly #113: Is Poly a Double Standard? is up! Direct download is here.

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments. minx rhapsodizes on being nekkid oustide and last weekend’s Spank event in Wisconsin and how she really, really isn’t meant for pole dancing

5:25 Conversation with PepperMint
minx and PepperMint discuss the original sexual double standard (men want sex and therefore, it’s OK for them to sleep around; women shouldn’t want sex, so if they sleep around, they’re slutty) and how that relates to what the sexes want from monogamy and polyamory; 14:45 non-monogamy seems to be for men and non-monogamy for women; no male equivalent for “mistress”; 26:15 first books on poly were by women; 35% of men report cheating, but 25% of women do as well; a long digression about strip clubs (minx loves; PepperMint doesn’t); being aware of societals standards

38:00 Listener Comments on the Double Standard
Jenny writes in with a detailed commentary on monogamy being “stable” and ostensibly benefitting women; minx comments on the biological origins for monogamy and social monogamy; 44:15Becsplusmolly Twitters that monogamy seems to be perceived as providing “security” for women

47:35 Thanks!
minx thanks Sc00ter, J, T_one and everyone who helps out with the show

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

Introverts of the world, unite!

Thanks, Sweetainsley, for the link.

Jonathan Rauch wrote this article on “Caring for Your Introvert: The Habits and Needs of a Little-Understood Group.”

I found this article fascinating for a number of reasons. First, his means of identifying an introvert was by this series of questions:

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is “too serious,” or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

In particular, the “aloof, arrogant, rude” tags seemed right on. Unfortunately, many of the folks I know who are introverts get tagged this way as a first impression. If they’re not the life of the party right off the bat, they are labeled “snobby” or even “what a bitch.” And I know whereof I speak, as a former introvert myself. I had to learn to appreciate what people call “small talk,” and I still need time to recuperate from parties, as much as I love them. My instructor at the Sorbonne called me la petite serieuse, for gods’ sake, and that was from a Frenchwoman! (If the French are saying that an American is too serious, you know she’s in need of some lighthearted fun!)

Next, Mr. Rauch clarifies that introverts are in fact not any of these labels. They also don’t hate other people; rather, they don’t gather energy from being around others like extroverts do:

Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say “Hell is other people at breakfast.” Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

This is a fine clarification to make. Personally, I love group settings, large and small, as well as one-on-one time with most people. However, when I dated someone far more extroverted than myself who simply couldn’t spend any time alone without getting distressed or depressed, I noticed that I’d have to draw a personal limit–after 36 hours or so at, say, a conference full of parties, I’d have to take an afternoon to nap or veg alone in front of the TV in the hotel room. I’d describe the feeling as “overloaded,” kind of like too much sensory input. This is, I think, what Mr. Rauch is describing. So I suspect I’ve still got a little introvert left in me, huh?

So how do we mostly-extroverts approach and get to know these introverts? How do we appreciate them for who they are without steamrolling over them in every conversation?

Rauch suggests that introverts learn to say, “I’m an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush.” Personally, I suggest the STFU approach (Shut the Fuck Up), also known sometimes as the SUL approach (Shut Up and Listen). Introverts will talk to you if you just shut up and listen to them. Appreciate the awkward silences and let them be. No, they won’t go on all night, but they will share if you don’t grab the reins and start steering the conversation yourself.

So the next time you find yourself thinking, “Geez, what a snob,” give him/her another chance–maybe one-on-one or in a smaller group.

Introverts, what do you think? How do you like to be approached in uncomfortable settings?

Cross-posted to my blog.

Poly Weekly #112: Listener Mail Extravaganza!

The new Polyamory Weekly #112: Listener Mail Extravaganza! is up! Direct download is here.

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!

Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

FULL SHOW NOTES TO COME; rough outline and links:

  • Text chat for communication over distance
  • a lot more about meeting metamours
  • Earthwalker’s My Poly Family–poly and Mother’s Day
  • Poly household finances
  • Monogamists and frubble
  • Can you be brutally honest if your partner suffers from bipolar order or depression?
  • Nobilis experiences poly envy
  • Lady Sue shares a poly anthropology experiment

Poly in the Media
Fighting the Alabama sex toy ban
Polyamory blamed for the spread of AIDS in South Africa
The ridiculous notion that you have to “choose” a “soulmate”!

Poly Weekly #111: Dossie Easton Talks Jealousy!

The new Polyamory Weekly #111: Dossie Easton Talks Jealousy is up! Direct download is here.

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!

Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Introduction and under-18 warning; redirection to Scarleteen.com; email cunningminx@gmail.com, call 206-202-POLY, Twitter cunningminx your comments to the show.

1:45 Host chat
The Heartland Polyamory Conference was all kinds of nekkid fun; stay tuned for audio seminars and discussions from that event.

3:25 Interview: Dossie Easton, part two!
Dossie Easton, co-author of the polyamory bible, the Ethical Slut, talks about how to be a lover to one or both in a couple; dealing with jealousy and Radical Ecstasy. Her books are at Greenery Press, and her site is Dossie Easton.com.

22:00 Wrap-Up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

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