Poly Weekly #120: Toxic Relationships

The new Polyamory Weekly #120: Toxic Relationships is up! Direct download is here.

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments. And thanks to everyone who voted for Polyamory Weekly in the Podcast Awards. Even though we lost, I really appreciate the show of support!

3:00 Recommendation: the Midwest Teen Sex Show vidcast
If you haven’t yet, download the first four episodes of Midwest Teen Sex Show vidcast on female masturbation, abstinence, birth control and more!

4:15 Listener feedback
D’gou comments on the roundtable on negotiations; Rob writes that he is staying monogamous because of Polyamory Weekly!

6:20 Listener feedback: Poly Weekly #118 Geeks in Love
Lenore writes in that we left out inverted rythms and privacy issues for geeks; her boyfriend Lars’ article on flow; she also comments that geeks will tend to give practical technical gifts rather than candy, jewelry or flowers; Graydancer calls in a comment that the Treo can be linked directly to Google calendar; how a partner felt more secure because of Google Calendar and how another friend used email, MySpace and Google searches to track down who her partner was chatting with in a less-than-direct manner; Darkmane suggests Rememberthemilk.com, a shared online task list for busy families or tribes!

16:00 Dating promiscuous women will make a man of you
Darkmane also comments on dating a promiscuous woman; Minx recommends an Italian porno called Cheeky on that topic, available through Netflix.

18:30 Topic: How do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship?
Answers and thoughts range “when the work/pain outweighs the benefits/joy;” giving more than you are getting for long periods of time; feeling more drained than rewarded; if you have to ask, you may already know the answer; if you find yourself saying too often, “I love him/her, but… “; consider the idea of balance in a relationship

25:30 Poly in the Media

33:00 Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

If you like the intro music, check out Pacemaker Jane, a cool band out of Ohio.

3 comments to Poly Weekly #120: Toxic Relationships

  • D'gou

    (OMG!!1!) Midwest Teen Sex Show:
    Awesome combination of attitude, humor and information.
    I did cringe when they said “You wouldn’t date someone with cancer”, but other than that…
    I wish there were already more episodes to catch up on.
    The length is perfect, 3-4 minutes, almost like PSAs!
    Thanks for passing along the link.

  • I must say this with some qualifiers, but: Pay attention to what your friends think.

    Of course we’ve probably all had our friends and loved ones not “get” a relationship, especially when it comes to a poly relationship. (Often at the first bump in the road, they’ll be saying “Ditch that cheating dog!”) So, I’m not saying you should follow whatever your friends tell you. However, I think that often an outside perspective can be used as an indicator.

    When you are in the middle of it, it is often hard to tell the difference between things that need some working out, and things that are deeply broken. Your friends may not see the whole picture, but think about it — you can tell a lot from the outside looking in. You can tell so much by seeing two people interact: He adores her and would do anything to make her happy; She loves him but is terribly insecure; He cares for her, but she lets him walk all over her; She is in love, but he is treating it more casually.

    How many times have we seen a friend in a clearly toxic relationship, ignoring or even pushing away all of the loved ones trying to warn them? I know looking back over my past relationships where loved ones didn’t approve, in retrospect they were right.

    So while it should be taken with a grain of salt, pay attention to what your trusted loved ones think about your SO. It can be used as a red flag if every single one of your loved ones don’t have good things to say about your relationship — especially if they have a good track record.

  • Minx

    Absolutely. I’ve often asked my friends to be my gauge of my relationships. This is mostly because I watched someone pursue a relationship with a women that NONE of his friends liked. But he didn’t ask them and wouldn’t have listened if he had.

    She ended up going through his money, cheating on him and using their child as a bargaining chip in their eventual divorce. We all saw it; he didn’t.

    Not all examples are that extreme, but asking your friends what their concerns are about your partner is good. They know you, and they know what you need. You don’t have to do what they say exactly–hell, nearly ALL my friends thought it was a bad idea to date Graydancer, but I wanted to, so I did it, anyway. I just told them it was something I had to do, and would they still love me and hold me if it didn’t work out?

    They said yes. Knowing they could tell me what they really thought made it easier for them, I think.

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