Poly(ish) music

Thanks to Robert M for this poly(ish) song, by Iris Dement, Let’s Invite Them Over. More swingery than poly, I think, but hey, it’s a nice twangy two-step.

Let’s Invite Them Over Lyrics

How do single poly parents find the time?

On Poly Weekly #132, PolyLizzie asked how other single poly parents found the time to be poly and meet potential partners. What a great question! Listener Jenny was cool enough to respond and give permission for her response to be posted here.

Parents (single and otherwise), what do you think?

‘m a single parent of a school age girl (now 9), and I work full-time as a writer for a computer software company. Although my situation is somewhat different from PolyLizzie (i.e., I’m not a full time student on top of everything else), I know well the feeling of never having enough time to do anything but survive day-to-day. Three years ago, I moved halfway across the US for a great job, leaving behind my parents, friends, and everyone my daughter knew since she was a baby. Where we live now, we have no family and no local support system — we are essentially alone here and I am pretty much the only engine that gets things done.

You asked for poly tips, but I think these could be applied to any relationship, poly or otherwise.

So, Tip #1: Establish a support system so you can make time for being poly.
I think the concept of “making time” is important to understand, both for the single parent and for anyone interested in being with a single parent. The difference between “finding time” and “making time” is intentionality. If you try to “find time” to be poly as single parent, you’ll never have the time. Instead, you have to “make time” — that means making the firm decision that this is something you want to do and then arrange things to accommodate that.

Tip #2: Understand and accept you can’t do everything “right now”. Even though PolyLizzie may want to find poly partners, she’s also has to recognize her limitations in terms of time and work with them. That’s difficult because sometimes we really do need something (like a loving relationship) and we just can’t have it right now because of time. With work, school, and kids filling her time, PolyLizzie may not have any room for “making time” for a poly partner — meaning, at this time in her life she may not be able to arrange things to accommodate being actively poly. That was certainly true for me when I was a bit younger, and I wasn’t a full time student. And it truly sucked to put that off to “later”, but I had to. There were too many other things going on in my life and adding an adult relationship to the mix would have been disastrous for both me and my daughter.

Tip #3: Establish early on with poly partners that you are already in a relationship (with your kid) so that the poly relationship can progress accordingly.
I know for myself this is non-negotiable. I also know that this can be a hard concept for people, poly or otherwise, to grasp. And frankly, NRE doesn’t help with that. Mind you, I’m not telling people “I’m a mom first and foremost and a woman whenever I have a spare moment” — quite the contrary. This is more of a clarion to say that time management is essential. So, if a partner is to show love and caring for a single parent, they must accept that certain things must be planned, not everything can be on-the-fly, and the kids have to factor in to a lot of decisions.

Tip #4: I don’t know if this would work for PolyLizzie, but I have found online or long distance relationships to be very helpful with regard to “having a social life” at my convenience.
Granted, I’m not very social anyway, but in my view, sitting at my computer writing my heart in an email to my partner is several orders of magnitude better than hanging out in a bar or going out on a bad date. Indeed, the technology that exists now to make people feel closer than geographically possible is astounding. My partner of 4 years lives on the opposite side of the country and from the beginning we have communicated nearly every day via email, twitter, IM/webcam, and phone calls. Does this replace actually seeing my partner and sharing time with him and his wife? Of course not. But it does bridge the sometimes sizable gaps between visits, whether him to us or us to them.

I know for myself, long distance relationships have pretty much been the only way I can have an interesting, worthwhile relationship. The costs in time and effort associated with going out on my own just can’t be sustained for very long, financially and emotionally. And frankly, when you go out on enough truly bad dates, you really don’t feel like gambling your time any more than you absolutely have to. I mean, time spent on a bad date is almost like a personal attack because it’s time taken away from you and your kid. At least with something online, it’s a little easier to figure out who’s worth my time getting to know, and to cut loose those who would waste my time.

The state of poly in today’s society

Friend of Polyamory Weekly PepperMint has written a comprehensive analysis of mainstream media’s attitude and coverage of polyamory, comparing it to coverage of swinging, BDSM and other alternative cultures. If you want to get caught up on how we’ve been portrayed over the last few years, read this article and click on his links–you’ll be debriefed.

PepperMint maintains that polyamory is usually portrayed with a certain credibility in the press, even a type of tolerance, for a few reasons. He posits that because poly is seen as “new(ish),” “theoretically disconnected from sex” (is this why there is alway some amount of opposition whenever I mention sex? hmmm), “queer- and woman-friendly,” and “the opposite of monogamy.”

I encourage you to read his thoughtful article in its entirety and comment at his blog. Let’s get the conversation going, people!

Does flirting make you poly?

JRB, a monogamous pal of mine, was musing over the nature of flirting in her monogamous relationship. She’s completed devoted to his partner of four years, but she does enjoy a good flirt now and then. So she asks the poly audience–does that make her a little bit poly?

JRB writes:

When we started our romantic relationship, I no longer desired romantic attachments with other people. It’s been like that for about four years now. However, that doesn’t mean I’m dead. I do enjoy flirting with attractive, interesting people. I am always clear that I am fully committed to my partner but I think that flirting with adorable people is just a bucket of fun. (By flirting I mean the verbal dance that signifies attraction) I would be very hurt if my partner became romantically attached to another person, but I certantly don’t mind if he flirts with someone else. I trust in our relationship and our communication that we both understand where the barriers are.

Here’s my question: do polyamorous people consider flirting in this manner to be poly?

What do you think? Personally, I flirted like a maniac when I was monogamous. It wasn’t because I wanted to be with anyone else; it was simply something I did that made me feel sexy and desirable. It still is, in fact. When I come back from a heavy day of wenchy, baudy flirting at a Renaissance faire, I’m always just a bit more randy for my sweetie.

I suppose I could make an argument for that being an early hint of my poly proclivities, but I tend to think of it more as an aspect of my sexual expression that happens to (harmlessly) involve other people. What do you think?

Does jealousy equal love?

A question from Gafil that I thought I’d throw out to you guys–what do you think?

Why is it that, in our case at least, the stronger the love between us, the more intense the jealousy can be?

Why is that so often the case? Why do we associate deep love with increased jealousy?

Thank you!

OK, so I’m a stats whore. But hey, it’s proof that I’ve done something with my life, despite my not-so-great job for the last year (and now lack thereof):

Last month, Poly Weekly had 9,999 downloads. This has become typical–about 10,000 downloads a month. It’s actually kind of low for a podcast in the Mature category, but then, as y’all know, I tend to talk about communication a lot more than sex. But it’s something to be proud of and point to as an accomplishment, I think. Or a work in progress, as I tend to see it. 😉

Thanks to everyone out there for spreading the word. Thanks for passing links, for linking back to www.polyweekly.com, for Digging PW, for spreading the YouTube video around, for burning CDs of Poly Weekly for your family and friends. Thanks for reviewing us on iTunes, Podcast Alley, Podcast Pickle and Blubrry. (And if you haven’t, why not give us a review? iTunes only has 11 reviews!) Thanks to our new correspondents, our editor J, our sitemaster Sc00ter and everyone else who’s helped PW grow.

Thanks for your emails, your comments, your questions, your criticism and your praise.

What are you thankful for?

What are you thankful for? Call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY and share with the poly community your happy poly joys and memories!

Poly Weekly #131: What are they saying?

The new Polyamory Weekly #131: What are they saying? is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #130

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments.

1:00 Introduction: Alan, Poly Weekly’s new Poly in the New correspondent
Meet Alan, creator and writer for the Polyamorous Percolations blog, Poly in the News. He has

3:00 Topics: Poly in the Media
Alan and Minx discuss three of the hottest poly in the media news stories:

Other articles covered in the Polyamory in the Media blog:
Mistress Matisse’ latest article in The Stranger on possible poly rules
Trans/queer triad goes public
Religion and poly

22:00 Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

Poly Weekly #130: Why get married?

The new Polyamory Weekly #130: Why get married? is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #130

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments.

2:00 Announcements

  • Nan Wise, the Love Coach, is giving a seminar on Operational Intelligence: Understanding and Managing our Emotional and Sexual Systems, Wednesday, November 14th, in New York at the META Center. $30 to enter; $35 at the door. Email TheLoveCoach@aol.com for more info.
  • If you haven’t seen it already, the Boobs, boobs, boobs video, a boobiesexual delight, is up on YouTube to promo Polyamory Weekly. More poly-oriented videos will come as I/we the team have time to create them, but if you like, take a look and (also if you like) link to it from your blog or site. Thanks!

5:45 Chat with Nobilis: Why get married?
Nobilis and Minx discuss marriage and listener feedback on his ideas; 9:30 E calls in to say that people bother to get married because of the hundreds of legal rights accorded to married couples; Nobilis advocates taking apart the components of marriage instead of seeing it as all one blob and deciding what aspects of marriage the government wants to reward and why
14:15 Laura (who asked about the point of marriage at all to begin with) calls in to comment that a lot of bitterness in divorce could be avoided if we could have a ritual or contract that ends earlier or at a specific point; Nobilis says that we need a way to renegotiate our relationships as time goes on and compares marriages to our process for reevaluating our elected officials; he comments that any relationship ending will be painful, but negotiating the hole can help with ameliorating the pain of feeling like a failure
25:00Raina suggests negotiating marriages in advance instead of after the fact and choosing the type of marriage–a year and a day, lifetime, etc. and taking the type of relationship into consideration; Nobilis comments that a lot of our ideas of marriage come from an era when the wife needed protection; Minx and Nobilis discuss how to construct a household and who gets what rights
37:00 Dollfan wrote in doubting the “magic number” in terms of itch–seven years? four? two? nothing specific and not necessarily related to the amount of time to raise children; Nobilis tells of a culture in which a man coming of age is married to an older, infertile woman whose job is to teach the man to become a good husband, and the marriage is dissolved when the man is ready for marriage

If you like the bumper music for Nobilis’ and my conversation, it’s We Are Together by Quebb, available for free download from Podshow

45:00 Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

Operational Intelligence: a New York seminar

Operational Intelligence: Understanding and Managing our Emotional and Sexual Systems
by Nan Wise, LCSW, ACSW, BCD

WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 14TH, 6:30-9:30 PM at The META Center
214 West 29th Street-16th Floor
New York, NY 10001

Cost: $30 with pre-registration, $35 at the door

Contact: Nan Wise at 973-632-0625 or TheLoveCoach@aol.com

Nature has given us three brains and seven “minds” which are wired- in executive emotional operating systems–and we can learn how to use them effectively. Each mind system has its own perceptions, memories, moods and motivations. Although we may know what’s on our mind, we don’t always know which mind we are in. As a result, we often fail to do what “works” and keep doing what doesn’t–in love, sex, work and money–because we are stuck in patterns, for example, we pick the wrong partners, make the same money mistakes, trust people who will betray us, sabotage our careers just when things are going well, and hold on to grievances and grudges within our families rather than letting them go and growing up. Join psychotherapist/sex therapist and neuroscience researcher Nan Wise to explore how to identify the behaviors that limit your happiness and success in love and work– and manage your emotional systems and make good choices in love, friendship and work.

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