Poly Weekly 260: Replacing “primary” and “secondary”

Special guest cohost Steve Eley chats about replacing  the term “primary” and gives advice to new poly kinksters

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Introduction and host chat

Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Topic: A replacement for “primary” and “secondary”

      Listener question

      • Exploring poly and kink; how do you start dating?
      • What do you do when one partner wants kink only and the other wants full-on sexual relationships?

      Teaser

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

      Poly Weekly 259: Mo and the Magic Banana

      Mollena Williams, monogamous-identified kinktastic chick, talks about entering a poly BDSM arrangement

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      Introduction and host chat

      Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

      Announcements

      Interview: Mollena Williams, the Perverted Negress

      • Are you poly-identified? Why or why not?
      • How did an emotionally monogamous person gel with entering a poly BDSM, cross-country arrangement?
      • Why is this banana magic?
      • The importance of metamours
      • Visit Mo and her mojo at her site

        Wrap-up
        Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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        Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

        Poly Weekly 258: The online kinkster

        Princess Kali of The Kink Academy talks about the intersection of kink and poly online

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        Introduction and host chat

        Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

        Announcements

        Miss Poly Manners: Dealing with Party Invites

        How do you deal with party invitations not addressed to the entire poly enclave?

        Interview: Princess Kali of The Kink Academy

        Teaser

        • From Poly and Single: what to do when the couple is fighting

        Wrap-up
        Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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        Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

        A replacement for “primary/secondary”

        It seems that every polyamorous practitioner universally dislikes and finds inadequate hierarchical terms such as “primary” and “secondary,” but we often default to using them for lack of anything better.

        I like to refer to “entering a existing couple,” rather that referring to myself as “secondary,” but the word always seems to slip out at some point. And in seeking relationships, it seems positively crass to admit to wanting something substantial and involved enough to be considered “primary.” In fact, I’ve heard people say in an accusing tone, “She’s looking for a primary.” You know, kind of like you’d say, “She’s desperate for a husband to support her and give her babies.” Blech.

        But today, a poly-friendly OKC date asked what I wanted. And I answer as I always do, “Truly what I want is one person in this world who gets me. An anchor. Two or three people would be great, but really, everything after one gravy.” And this is true–two or three friends or lovers were great, but that was almost an embarrassment of riches. I just need a person or two I can be myself with, and I’m good.

        I always found that I was much better at accepting the nature of relationships when I had an anchor person, someone who was there for me emotionally and who understood me on most levels, and whom I understood and supported as well. The nature of the relationship is less important than that one aspect: needing to be understood.

        And that’s when it hit me. I’m not seeking a primary; I was never sure about that, anyway. I’m seeking an anchor person of some sort. Kinky? Emotional? Spiritual? That’s all flexible, and less important than the rest of it. And I can have two anchors or three, and they might all be friends, lovers, live-in partners or various iterations thereof.

        I like “anchor” because it implies support without exclusivity (more anchors is better) and a state of connectedness without implying a sexual, live-in or hierarchical arrangement. My anchors could be a long-distance friend and an in-town lover; two live-in partners; a long-distance lover, an in-town friend, a partner and a metamour; or any other combination.

        So I offer this to you: instead of a “primary” polyamorous relationship, who is/are your anchor relationships?

        Poly Weekly 257: Is it all about the sex?

        Is the dark secret of polyamory that sometimes it is about the sex with multiple partners?

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        Introduction and host chat

        Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

        Announcements

        • MomentumCon is coming up April 1-3, 2011 in Washington, D.C.
        • Virginia poly meetup: Saturday, November 13th 4pm-6pm, Borders in manassas, 11270 Bulooch Dr, Manassas VA 20109, look for the parrot contact Grace: doyenworking@gmail.com, Becky: rebecca.loveking@gmail.com
        • Perverts of Color
        • SteamCon Nov, 19-21, Seattle

        Topic: Is it all about the sex?

        Happy Poly Moments

        • Thanks to Grace, Christian and Tina for sharing

        Wrap-up
        Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

        Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

        Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

        Poly Weekly 256: Sex at Dawn

        Primal interview with Christopher Ryan, co-author of anthropological phenomenon, Sex at Dawn

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        Introduction and host chat

        Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

        Announcements

        Interview: Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex at Dawn

        • Sex at Dawn on the PW Amazon Store
        • Dispelling anthropological myths. Let’s start with what “marriage” is in the animal kingdom
        • Was early life “nasty, brutish and short”? Are humans traditionally generous?
        • What is “natural” and why does it matter?
        • Is agriculture really to blame for our current oppressive patriarchal structure and the transition from generosity to possessiveness?
        • Is it really a myth that prehistoric humans died by age 35?
        • In which cultures/models is sex removed from paternity and childrearing?
        • What do we learn about humanity from bonobos?
        • http://www.bonobohandshake.com
        • Mosuo video link he mentioned

        Wrap-up
        Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

        Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

        Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

        Poly Weekly 255: a Poly Vagabond

        The vagabond life of a poly musician

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        Introduction and host chat

        Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments; or discuss your own topics at the forums; or visit our Facebook page.

        Announcements

        Interview: Jason “Krivo” Flores, on the life of a traveling poly musician

        • Is a “poly traveling musician” redundant?
        • Getting into poly
        • More info on Vagabond Opera

        Feedback

        New vocabulary suggestions from Niko:

        frubble – joy over your loved ones’ joy with others
        grubble – sadness over your loved ones’ sadness with others
        hubble – many getting physically affectionate when experiencing frubble.

        Thanks to Earl, Paul and Ken Haslam for the donations!

        Wrap-up
        Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

        Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

        Our intro and outro music this week is courtesy of Vagabond Opera: Chimeras be Met and The Transformation into Marlene.

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