Giving poly a go: Top tips for poly newbies

Rose Crompton of Vibrations Direct asked about poly, podcasting and my favorite sex toys. It was a fun interview and ended with my best advice for those approaching nonmonogamy for the first time.

Read the full interview here

Giving poly a go? My top tips for poly newbies:

Be prepared to meet parts of yourself you didn’t know about. You will find insecurities you didn’t know were there, and you’ll experience joy in ways you never knew you could.

Be patient with yourself and your partner(s). Remember your first attempts at monogamy weren’t perfect, either.

Worry less about rules and more about what you have to offer. As with monogamous dating, people with lots of rules and criteria rarely find what they seek, and those who are open-minded and easygoing find unexpected pleasures.

Own your shit – by this I mean baggage. If you’re not strong enough to say, “I was wrong,” “I need to bring something up” or “my last STI test came up positive,” you aren’t ready for poly. Being confident enough to own your own baggage and brave enough to start tough conversations is essential.

Start from a healthy place. Get your existing relationships healthy first. The ‘relationship broken; add more people’ model almost never works. You will have to trust your partner to tell you when you’re love-goggling, when he’s feeling jealous and when you aren’t pulling your weight.

Get a support network. Seek out local communities of real people who have real-life experience with polyamory and its ups and downs; having trusted contacts who’ve been there and can provide advice and a sympathetic ear is invaluable.

Read the full interview here.

6 comments to Giving poly a go: Top tips for poly newbies

  • Wow, seriously?

    Each of these tips could be a day long workshop in and of itself. Without any information on how to go about manifesting each tip, they are little more than oversimplified perspectives.

    It would be like telling people how to drive with the following tips:

    1. Wear your seatbelt
    2. Breathe
    3. Accelerate, brake, and turn when appropriate
    4. Know the traffic laws
    5. Avoid distractions

  • Lefey

    Lol, well driving usually has to be learned from an experienced teacher, and it takes a lot of practice. How much you can learn without actually trying it yourself is very limited. How much someone can teach you without actually seeing you drive is very limited. Is poly like that?

  • Cunning Minx

    Yes, my apologies for the fly-by! It was part of a larger interview, and I didn’t have the chance to go into detail on each tip. But if there is interest, it might not be a bad idea for a show topic, to do a rundown of tips for poly newbies and do a bit of a deeper dive.

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  • mabelle17

    hi
    listening to your podcasts i realize what a terrible partner i am.
    i control and ressist the whole process.

    5 years ago my husband of 20 years + kids came to me honest and direct and i said, sure, lets do it. i wanna be able to live with who you are for real, otherwise whats the point.

    but my system reacts very badly
    there are nice moments but parallel i suffer and i fear my health both physically and mentally, when my husband had a girlfriend for four months i found myself considering suicide for the first time of my life.
    he than changed his mind and decided he just wants adventure and good company (he travels alot for work) but i dont feel i want to hang on on this , since its an ever changing process.

    as i said we both love eachother , and for my husband i am his home and he doesnt look to replace me. and doesnt want to break our family
    as much as i agree with him
    i find myself in extremely unhealthy situations as i mentioned
    and i want to be practical
    i realize the fact that we have small kids and that i am dependent on him financialy
    makes it harder for me to let go
    and so i invest more in my work
    i also try dating and i listen to Buddhism teachings
    but overall i feel that im doing long term work
    that might have results in ten years
    and y husband is not waiting for me
    i need to be good now
    any ideas on how to stop the mess without breaking my home or killing myself?

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