PW 320: I hate my metamour!

Listener M writes in with a dilemma: what do you do when you love your girlfriend but hate your metamour?

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

  • Welcome to our cohost, LustyGuy. Can you tell which Scotch he is sipping?

1:50 Topic: I hate my metamour!

M writes in to say that he finds his girlfriend’s new partner so repulsive that he hates the guy, which is not helped by the fact that the girlfriend revealed that the partner is trapped in a sexless marriage and believes that M and girlfriend are moving too quickly.

  • A drama queen? Much of the negative information on the partner (“Scary Clown”) came to M secondhand from the girlfriend. Always question why your girlfriend chooses to reveal unflattering information about a metamour secondhand. Is there a need for drama on her part? Relationship management skills are needed here.
  • Open lines of communication there is no line of communication open between Scary Clown and M. Of course he feels uncomfortable.
  • Responsibilities of the point The person at the point of the vee (here, the girlfriend) has additional responsibilities in terms of nurturing healthy relationships and conveying only the most relevant and supportive information to partners. However, this person should NEVER agree to act as mediator between the other two parties.
  • Setting boundaries the people at the edges of the vee need to set boundaries and be careful to express what they need rather than a simple “I don’t like so-and-so.” For that matter, the person at the point of the vee also needs to set boundaries such as “No saying that M and I aren’t good as a couple. That’s not supportive, and I won’t tolerate it.”

19:45 Feedback

Wayne writes in about an NPR piece on breasts. Audio and transcripts are here.

24:00 Wrapup

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5 comments to PW 320: I hate my metamour!

  • Olaf

    I had to blow up the relationship with my second partner because she started a relationship with a guy that was poisoning people that in polyamory you do not have to tell your partner that you just started a new relationship. Of all the people she knew this was the only person I had a veto against.

    This did hurt me very badly since I was very badly in love with her. But the safety of my other partner was an issue. This guy was bad news and poisons relationships for personal gain.

    The story gets even worse since he has access to poly people that are just discovering polyamory. And since he has much more charisma way with words than I have, I always lose.

  • I simply cannot understand this dilemma because if my partner wanted to date someone I loathed then something would be horribly wrong with our relationship. To me, partners shouldn’t disagree on such fundamental things as who is a person you want in your life and who isn’t. I realize most poly people are more communicative and honest with each other than a lot of mono people, but to me many don’t go far enough. Above it speaks of sharing only “the most relevant and supportive information to partners.” Huh?! I share ALL information with my partners, and expect the same. The truth may hurt and may cause all kinds of problems but they’re all better than the fundamental problem of reduced intimacy and trust that plagues any relationship where some things are not shared. It’s also tyrannical and undemocratic to me the way so many think they have a right to decide what their partner ‘needs’ to know or what they should keep to themselves to ‘protect’ or not hurt their partner. Sounds paternalistic to me. Actually, sounds like our government…

    • Eli

      My wife and I chose to relisten to this podcast because we couldn’t believe what we were hearing. If one of us was dating someone that disapproved of how our relationship was going, we’d expect to know that. My wife makes it clear to everyone that anything they tell her she’s apt to tell me, that there are no secrets. Anyone that one of us dates, the other expects to meet by the 3rd date to make sure we all get along, and if we don’t, the new relationship wouldn’t continue.

      Much of the point of polyamory for us is to gain new friends in metamours. They need to be compatible with both of us, even if only romantically/physically compatible with one. I agree with the point made in the podcast that some communication is essential between metamours, but also feel like Anthony, that it needs to go a lot farther than basics, and if metamours dislike each other there is a serious problem.

  • Cunning Minx

    Fascinating comments all around! Eli, Anthony and Olaf, what I’m hearing is that this scenario is inconceivable because the relationships are so close that no one would ever date someone the other didn’t approve of. That’s great!

    It does happen, though. I’ve been less than thrilled with my partner’s choices in the past, but I always assumed that he must just see something in her that I don’t yet see, so I worked harder to find that thing. It’s certainly a blessing when everyone gets along with every partner from the start, and it is challenging when a new partner doesn’t immediately click with his/her metamour(s). Thus the episode!

    • Olaf

      Well my secondary had a lot of other parters during the relationship. Not every one were compatible with me but I don’t mind. She talked a lot about them, so they became part of my world too.

      But when one person enters the poly relationship and poisons it, then I have to protect my other relationships. I do blow up all relationships with people that got infected with that poison (= being selfish, lying and deceiving). I could maybe cure them, but at a cost of every other relationship I have dragging them with me. I simply do not have the energy and resources to do that.

      (Poisonous people for me are people that destroys other relationships for personal gain.)

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