PW 380: Advice from your secondary

42-lolcat-funny-images-of-cats-with-toy-roboA few things your secondary wants you to know

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1:00 Announcements and HostChat

Want better poly matches on OKCupid? Be sure to answer these poly-indicative questions!

4:30 Topic: Five things your poly secondary wants you to know

Blogger Ginger wrote up a short but sweet post on five things your secondary wants you to know: (paraphrased by Minx)

  • The time we spent together is limited, so please value it like we do
  • We sometimes need extra reassurance; this is normal
  • You still need to be reliable
  • It’s important that your primary partner be comfortable with us
  • The fact that we love and value you keeps us going

Listener GreedyPaul called in to ask what changed in terms of metamour relations between Minx’s last long-term poly relationship and this one? What did L do to welcome me into the relationship and/or how had I changed?

Amanda wrote in to share a story of metamour relations: while she’d always believed that it was the new partner’s job to reach out to her, she came to understand how scary that can be for a new partner, so she chose to step up and reach out, with wonderful results!

20:45 Feedback

E wrote in to thank us for covering Asperger’s and poly and how very valuable the clear and explicit communication required in poly is to those with Aspy’s.

23:30 Happy Poly Moment

Heath shared a professional happy poly moment about bringing up relationship structure inclusiveness for intake at his college counseling center in the Kansas City area. AND if you have examples of the language you use in your paperwork for assessing relationship orientation, email him at heath12@ku.edu Thanks!

26:00 Thanks!

Thanks to Steven, Kevin, Elizabeth, Ewen, Violet and Sturley for their generous donations this week!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

4 comments to PW 380: Advice from your secondary

  • […] I did, however, get mentioned on the Poly Weekly podcast over the weekend.  I noticed a flurry of hits to one of my writings, and traced it back here:  http://polyweekly.com/2014/01/pw-380-advice-secondary/ […]

    • Cunning Minx

      Yes, your content was very insightful on the poly experience. We need more people like you writing and sharing about secondary considerations!

  • L.B.

    Hi Minx. I love your podcast and enjoyed your recent on advice from your secondary.

    I have heard at least a few episodes which talk in detail about the needs, desires, etc…of metamores/secondaries and how to make sure you treat this person well. I have always appreciated these episodes. I appreciate being reminded again and again (I think it’s hard to be reminded enough) that people are people, that every person that I am in a relationship deserves to be communicated with openly, with respect, and with love and acceptance. I also appreciate the reminder of what a big deal it is to bring another person into my already existing life and relationships and the responsibility that entails.

    What I haven’t heard (and maybe I have just missed the episodes) is talk about the needs and desires of the primary (if you use those terms – it seems like a pretty looked down upon term).

    Honestly, all the talk about metamore/secondary needs has got me terrified of opening up my relationship to that. I would want to be a strong, balanced, responsible, caring member of the metamore (primary?). I’m wondering what kind of voice I would have, since I am more likely to give then to receive. I could see myself giving everything and suddenly finding myself completely losing the relationship I cherished because, basically, I have given it away to this new person. I hear it’s not ok to think of the “couple” as being a priority, that once you welcome another into your romantic life, that’s it. They are of equal importance without it mattering what happens to the original relationship. I have yet to hear in the community any talk about taking care of that original relationship which has been opened up. Because of this it feels to me like if we “open up” in this way, we cease to become a couple building a life together and I am back out there on my own at the mercy of my partner and this new person (who because of NRE will likely have the heart and desire of my partner significantly beyond me, since I am the one who has asks for help with the laundry, taking out the trash and paying the bills). I feel I am at a significant disadvantage to this new, fresh, no responsibility, no flaws (because of the blinders of NRE), all passion and chemistry relationship. And I feel, because again, I never hear this talked about, like there is no support for someone in my position.

    Again – because I never hear this talked about on your show or any of the other poly podcasts and groups check in with, and often hear the needs of the “secondary” addressed and emphasis over and over on treating them well, the prospect of sharing my lover in this way feels very frightening.

    Any thoughts?

    Will you consider addressing “How take care of what you cherish and the one you love when bringing another loved one into your life?”

    PS I am female with a male partner. We have been together for 3 years. We swing. I enjoy him flirting with women, I love seeing him fuck other women, but all “playing” is happening as a couple. I have no interest in having a boyfriend myself. He however is interested in dating other women and having alone time with other women. We both cherish our relationship and he has made it clear to me that taking care of us is of primary importance. He wants to stay with me. He is not “pushing” for more, knowing how it feels to me. But I know he would like it if I was ok with it. We have excellent communication. He listens to me. That said, I know that by opening up to dating, I have to be open to him falling in love, and by doing that, I have to be open to him falling in love big time and wanting this other person in his life in a significant way. I know when he dates a gal, he goes head over heels.

    • Cunning Minx

      L.B.–

      Hi, and thanks for commenting! If you’re leaving with the impression that opening up your relationship entails giving everything away and losing any sense of priority, then I’m not doing my job very well.

      I like to think of opening up your relationship as being similar to welcoming a new child into your life. Sure, it will disrupt your current relationship and might sometimes be challenging, but you do it because you have love to share and because you believe the experience will enrich your life and that of your partner(s).

      And just as parents need to be reminded to take time out to strengthen their relationship, so do couples need to remember that in order to support healthy poly, they need to take time to nurture their original relationship as well as any new ones. It’s not a matter of never being a priority again; think of it more as not taking any relationship–new or old–for granted and being mindful to nurture and support each one so that all parties involved are happy and healthy.

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