PW 390: How to date a girl

catdateHow does a gal in a heterosexual relationship safely explore her bi side and date girls?

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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

6:00 Topic: How to date a girl

Listener A wrote in to ask how to safely explore her bisexual side without freaking out herself or her partner.

  • What do you to when your first experience with a member of the same sex doesn’t work out?
  • How do you deal with feeling crushed when the girl you were dating expresses interest in your male partner rather than you?
  • How do you explore scary same sex dating while still feeling emotionally safe?

17:15 Happy Poly Moment

  • Joreth shares a happy poly moment about gaining metamours as lifetime friends, even after a breakup with the original partner
  • A monogamous listener writes in to say that he values Poly Weekly for showing him the opportunities and explorations that are possible, even if they are not being currently pursued

23:45 Wrap up

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5 comments to PW 390: How to date a girl

  • Pete

    Great advice. I’ve had a few occasions where a female friend has found herself seeking another woman for dating for the first time. I’m sympathetic, but as a hetero guy, I have to admit a certain sense of vindication when she inevitably reaches the stage of “I never realized that dating women was so HARD.” I know it’s a broad generalization, but even though it’s the 21st century, many women still typically leave it to the men to stick their necks and out and make all the initiations. If you’re the least bit sensitive (e.g. not a sociopath), rejection hurts and you have to risk it at every turn. It’s a well established that married men live longer and the more of a man’s life he’s married, the longer he lives. I rather suspect it’s due to the soul sucking nature of dating women. Note that living with them is rewarding, wonderful and life extending. It’s just the trying to date them that beats you down.

  • Hugo

    Hi Minx! As a bisexual male who’s been with both men and women, I also empathize with the somewhat more “rocky” landscape of getting to know a woman intimately. I would suggest, though, to look beyond that somewhat superficial notion, and realize that dating men and dating women is pretty much the same thing all in all. I find some of your advice a bit..hmm..counterproductive, perhaps, since how your dating experience will turn out really depends on what kind of person you are dealing with and the chemistry between you and them, regardless of their gender. I would suggest to your listener to go about dating women as she would go about dating men; get to know the person, be yourself, be open, and just see what happens. Now, for the sexual part, maybe the first couple of times having sex with someone of a different gender than what you’re used to may be a bit scary and weird, but I think most people would be sensitive to that and guide you along a little bit if necessary.

    As for wanting to keep her partner off limits for the women she dates for a while… The issue with the woman she mentioned wasn’t that her partner was “going after her,” but that the woman was interested in her partner. Maybe it would be a good idea, then, to first and foremost seek out women who self-identify as lesbians, as they wouldn’t be interested in her male partner anyway, and then open up to dating other bisexual women as soon as that’s no longer an issue.

    • Cunning Minx

      Hugo–

      Your advice makes sense on the surface, but EVERY woman I know who has explored her bi side has complained that dating women is very different from dating men! One metamour said, “You know, with a guy, you just wiggle your ass, and you’re having sex. With women, no one ever initiates!”

      And the truth is that even if that weren’t the case, doing a new kind of dating for the first time, whether it be same sex, poly, trans, etc., is a new experience and so will most likely feel awkward. But the good news is that as the dater gains more confidence, it will eventually be just as comfortable as previous dating experiences.

      • Olaf

        For a very long time I never got the girl.
        So I started to investigate why.

        It basically translates to this:
        1. Don’t think. Don’t even think. Think and your dead. Ergh I mean “No date”.
        2. Getting a NO is part of the game and makes it exciting, just take it like a man.
        3. Put boundaries.
        4. Be naughty.
        5. Don’t solve her problem. But be the rock in the waves she can hold on to when the sea gets rough.

        The interesting thing is that Polyamory actually made me way better with women.
        The reason is that I have lost the concept that there is only one. And when I mess up then I will feel miserable because I lost my only chance.

        As a poly I realize that there are many woman equally exciting and if she says no then no harm is done. The “I have only one chance in life” mindset is gone.

        • Olaf

          I just want to add something to point “1″.

          Thinking is the surest way to cripple your chance on getting a female date.

          Thinking makes you hesitate when you go to her, and she notices it subconsciously.
          Or worse, when you hesitate then your brain gets a chance to create a list of why she would not date you and you give up, while she never realized that you were there.

          However when it becomes an subconscious automatic reflex to get to the girl before your brain has a chance to say “Holy smoke what is happening here?”, then it comes over as confidence.

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