509: Loving less after a triad implosion

How do I date only the wife after our triad implodes and the husband won’t communicate with me?

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Today’s cohost is Kevin Patterson

1:30 Topic: How to date half a couple after a triad implosion

A listener writes in with their issues: they have been dating a gal A for two years and her husband B until 4 months ago. It was the first time doing poly for everyone, and the couple never wanted to talk about it. Our listener moved in with them during NRE just two months after starting to date them, and they have always felt secondary to their relationship. The listener says that the husband B was frequently jealous when they dated others and would even get angry and chase our listener around the house, so they ended their other relationships.

Two years into the relationship, our listener moved away to a new city for a new job. The plan was for A to come live with our listener, so our letter writer rented an apartment that was a bit too expensive. The you guessed it–A decided she wouldn’t move. Our listener can’t break the lease or get roomie—there was the possibility of a former lover C, but B ended it and refused to communicate any further.

Our listener wants to be with A and spend birthday with her and her kids and ideally friends with B, but B won’t communicate. What to do?

  • Some classic mistakes are in play here—moving during NRE, renting an apartment you can’t afford with people with a history of bad/no communication
  • You don’t get closure
  • And you can’t force someone to communicate with you or to give you access to the family life you desire
  • Can you still negotiate a relationship with A in the absence of communication with B?
  • You can only control your sphere of influence: what you think, say and do
  • Consider this a painful learning experience

12:15 Feedback

V writes in about being in a similar situation to that described in episode 506—loving someone more than that person loves him/her and is OK with it

14:05 Happy Poly Moment

Geoff writes in with a happy poly moment at the zoo

17:00 Where to find Kevin

His blog; he’s polyrolemodels across social media and will be at Atlanta Poly Weekend in June, Poly Dallas Millennium in July and at the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit in August

17:30 How to make this podcast better

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