511: My metamour wants me to be out of the closet

Who decides when I come out as polyamorous?  

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Today’s cohost is Lusty Guy

1:30 Announcements and host chat

4:25 Topic: who decides when I come out as polyamorous?

M writes in to ask: my metamour Nina wants me to be out as poly so she can post about her relationship on social media and is convinced that M is only not coming out so she can hold on to her primary status. What to do?

  • Everyone’s closet is their own, but the group must move at the pace of its slowest member
  • We’re hearing a lot of mistrust, hurt feelings and assumptions. Less mind-reading and more open communication will help!
  • You are the expert on you; Nina is the expert on her. Stop assuming why anyone else does anything and focus on identifying and communicating your own needs and behavioral motivations.

20:20 Feedback

  • Alan wrote in to verify that yes, it’s usually the woman who asks for polyamory and to say he finds that Lusty Guy’s hedonism will give our opponents ammunition to use against polyamory
  • Anonymous Poly Doctor writes in to give feedback on episode 499 Coming out to your doctor and gives advice on talking to your doctor about poly and STI screenings:
    • Tell the doctor how the results will make a change in your plan and why you are at risk for this particular infection
      • WRONG: “I just want to be tested for everything.”
      • BETTER: “I want to be tested for HSV2 because I’m considering starting a new relationship, but my new partner is immunocompromised and wants to know whether I’m a carrier of HSV2 before we become sexually active together.  The result will affect what level of safer sex protective barriers she wants to use with me. Also, a partner I had last year was a carrier for HSV2, so I could be a carrier as well although I have no symptoms.
    • All poly folks should have a primary care physician who they can comfortably come out to who is well versed in STI healthcare. A family medicine doc is ideal.

32:00 Happy Poly Moment

Jodi shares a first public happy poly moment

33:30 How to make this podcast better

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

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  1. Great episode. I have a situation similar in some ways but different in many. I have been in a triad for 4 years involving my wife ( legally married to) (both female pronouns) and our girlfriend. Our situation is complicated by having 5 kids between us and custody issues/court cases involving custody.
    Although there is still not a final resolution, happily , thus far, having 2 partners has been a non-issue in the custody case. The partner ( P-female pronouns) I am. It legally married to has recently come out to her mother , who is.. coming along. She sees that her daughter is happy.
    We know that to be truly out and ourselves, we have to come out to our kids( ages 10-12). We know that coming out to our kids means coming out to our parents because we do not want to put our kids ina position of ” keeping secrets”. “P” is definitely feeling the effects of being the “non-public” partner after 4 years and I feel badly that she has been in this position so long when I really want to sing from the rooftops how wonderful our relationship is.
    So, this is a long lead up to my question: I am looking for resources for my mother when I come out to her. I think it is time. Is there a ” So, your daughter is Poly..” book? I want to mention the poly community because I think it would be helpful for her to know but a lot of the information does not apply.. We are a rarity , I think… a committed all female poly triad raising kids together. My mother and I are close and I feel like holding this information back is cutting off our relationship, yet I am terrified coming out will hurt it more.
    I appreciate any resources and advice you have for me!

  2. ** clarification due to typos .. partner “P” = the partner I am NOT legally married to and do not live with who came out to her mother.

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