532: Can I be poly if I come too quickly?

532 polyamory premature ejaculationRuby Bouie Johnson, sex therapist, joins us to respond to a listener who is worried he can’t be poly because he comes too quickly

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1:30 Poly in the news

7:45 Topic: Can I be poly if I come too quickly?

Sexpert and sex therapist Ruby Bouie Johnson joins us to give advice to a listener who reports suffering from premature ejaculation and wonders if he can be poly with this issue? Does he need to find a partner who also comes quickly?

Ruby ponders a few questions: how quickly is too quickly? Does this happen all the time, even when masturbating?

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The Guide to Getting It On

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Urban Tantra

www.sextherapistruby.com www.blacksexgeek.net

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  1. OMFG thank you for this episode!

    I’m a 35 year old 90%-cis-het male, and your discussion of PE was SO helpful! I have thought I came too quickly during sex for several years. I haven’t had many “complaints,” but have always thought my standard 5-10 minutes of PIV wasn’t enough.

    There were several points you both made that felt like weights lifting off of me! Ruby said that PE as a “disorder” is 10-30 SECONDS!? Head explosion. A little context goes a long way! Second, you reminded me that timing, positioning and pacing are unique between/among partners and they can be negotiated! Third, you discussed the yucky bits of cultural training around what sex ought to be (marathon, rough, PIV) that have been so damaging to my confidence!

    I too have been worried that my sexual prowess was insufficient for me to be Poly, and that I’d have trouble finding sexy friends who would put up with me. Thank you SO MUCH for giving voice to my concerns (it was like the question-asker came from inside my psyche) and for helping to re-contextualize and debunk some of the things I’ve been facing!

    Thank you thank you THANK YOU!

  2. interesting conversation, if you substituted swinging instead of poly that would give the conversation a little more weight. Since sex would be the primary focus in a swing relationship, yes this would be a huge issue for many.

    Funny how sex is the primary focus in even Poly relationships, at least in the writers question and concern about PE.

    Lastly, enjoyed the conversation what constitutes PE, I have met a few women over the years that want PIV to an absolute minimum an was ridiculed for stamina.

  3. Great episode. Did anyone ever find out where that “Video hub of instruction” is?

  4. My wife and had relationships with close friends for several years, during which I’ve had intermittent issues with PE. I tell/told my partners that “My meds make my system unpredictable. Sometimes I last a really long time, and sometimes not long at all. I want you to know that I’m totally having a great time with you regardless of what my body does.” It’s never been an impediment to good relationships or great sex.
    With regard to treatments. As an alternative for those whom Ruby’s approach may not be able to help, I would suggest the following: PE is largely a matter of errant mental conditioning and brain chemistry. An OTC cocktail of Melatonin, Niacin, and 5-htp, taken over the course of a week or two will probably help. (HT to John Grey). Note that you’re affecting brain chemistry so it takes a while to build up and to come down – days or weeks. Also note that Melatonin is a sex hormone and long term usage isn’t recommended. No restriction on niacin and 5-htp though. For those with the opposite problem, supplement with Pycnogenol and it will shorten your time to orgasm. For each “treatment” the dose makes the poison – take too much and you’ll end up with the opposite issue. Which sounds awesome until it’s your problem.
    Bon Chance.

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