542 When your partner is dating a drama queen
Is it OK to use your veto power if your metamour is a drama queen to the point that your needs aren’t being met?
1:30 Intro and host chat
Lusty Guy cohosts, and we talk over how our polycule handled the holidays this year.
9:00 My partner is dating a drama queen
Kathy has been dating for a year a guy who started dating X four months ago. Kathy didn’t get along with the metamour X and feels her own needs were not being met by her partner when he was with the metamour. Kathy feels that Guy would shower X with support, and Kathy would do the emotional labor of supporting Guy through events/breakups with X. But when Kathy needed Guy’s emotional support when she lost her grandmother, she says that Guy couldn’t, and she felt it was because he was always supporting X. Guy and X break up, Kathy supports Guy. He wants to get back together with X, and Kathy feels awful that she just can’t bring herself to back this plan and exercises her veto power. She asks:
So besides sharing my story, I have a question: How do you deal in an ethical way with these situations? How can give my partner the time, space and support he needs while my needs to spend quality time with him and to have a relationship conversation aren’t being fulfilled?
- Lusty Guy recommends limiting your interactions and vulnerability with Guy if you feel that you and your relationship are being negatively affected by X
- He also recommends considering owning your shit and determining what you have contributed to the situation
- Minx references the Relationship Bill of Rights and the point that you have the right “to seek balance between what you give to the relationship and what is given back to you.”
- Also, be specific—maybe Guy has been thinking he’s been giving you “emotional support,” but it doesn’t look like the support you want. Say what “emotional support” looks like to you when you ask for it—being physically present for a hug, arranging to spend an uninterrupted hour of listening, or maybe just a kind text message or two. What exactly does good “emotional support” look like? Ask for it, and acknowledge when he does it!
D responds to the question on episode 486 about having a partner newly identify as a heteroromantic grey asexual.
21:00 Happy Poly Moment
Scott wrote in to share that he celebrated his 46th birthday by buying himself a ring with his three lovers’ names on it.
21:50 Thank you!
Thanks to Heidi for the pi donation and to Nicholas and Eric for joining as PW Playmates!
23:20 How to make this podcast better
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