Poly mythbusters!

mythbuster lolcatThe top five poly myths you wanted to see busted!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

  • 1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

    5:30  Topic: Poly mythbusters

    • The original article that inspired this episode
    • My original list:
      • It’s all about the love
      • Only men want it
      • No one ever gets jealous
      • It’s more evolved than monogamy
      • But when I put it to you, the listeners, you voted in these top five myths:
    1. Poly = fear of commitment (aka “you’re just afraid to settle down” or “when you meet the Right One you’ll change”)
    2. 10:16 Poly = orgies (also general promiscuity and sex)
    3. Poly is bad and confusing for the children
    4. 16:04 Poly = cheating
    5. Poly doesn’t work or doesn’t last

    22:20 Feedback

    • Derek wrote in to share how he and his sweetie avoided a relationship land mind
    • Michael invites anyone interested in HSV and HPV groups on Facebook to send him a friend requests

    24:50 Thanks

    Welcom Savanni to the PW Playmates and to Doug for his $69 donation!

    25:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 398: Poly-mono mix

Monogamy_Cabernet_SauvignonHow a monogamous person copes with a poly relationship 

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

1:53 Topic: How does a monogamous person adjust to polyamory?

  • Take your time It’s OK to take your time exploring polyamory. You don’t have to do everything all at once TODAY. Give yourself time to find your self-identity.
  • Take care of yourself Avoid “shoulding” all over yourself. “Should” is the enemy of happy. It’s OK to experience negative emotions.

LustyGuy has advice on dealing with specific events and using a three-step process to deal with tough events:

  1. Discuss Before the event, do a check-in with your partner to go over how you feel about your relationship—good stuff that has happened, things you’re both working on, appreciate any recent affection/chores, etc. Confirm the love!
  2. Distract During the event, distract yourself! Have a night with your friends, watch bad TV, get a massage. Have fun while the tough event is going on!
  3. Do After the event, do a check in with your partner and demonstrate that you still love each other after the event. Breakfast in bed, do each other—whatever will help you to bond and come back together.

More tips:

  • Request behaviors And remember that in discussions, focus on specific behaviors rather than vague emotional states. Rather than saying “I need to be the primary,” for example, you might ask that you get regular Friday night dates, morning sex or sappy, sexy text messages.
  • Write your user manual And of course, write your own user manual!
  • Lather, rinse, repeat Repeat the thing you have difficulty with to help develop your coping mechanisms. Just do it! (And then do it again and again!)
  • Be aware of warning signs If you’re resorting to alcohol, drugs or dangerous behavior in order to deal with polyamory, this may not be the lifestyle for you. It’s OK not to be polyamorous; please take care of yourself first.
  • Get a support network Find online or real-life communities who have been through this before and gather a social support network, even if you self-identify as monogamous

23:45 Happy Poly Moment

Derek writes in about finding his local poly community in Tulsa, OK!

25:20 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 397: Relationship land mines

land mine lolcat1LustyGuy and Minx pre-ponder common relationship land mines

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

3:20 Topic: How to prethink relationship land mines

Relationship land mines sound effect by harpoyume via Freesound

Minx and LustyGuy came up with a series of questions to think about to give some pre-thought to what kind of best person you want to be in a relationship. Even if you have rules against some of these behaviors, know that many or most of them will happen, anyway. And what will you do when that happens? (Please don’t make another rule against it or clamp down harder on the rule!)

So with the understanding that experience shock happens and you react in an unanticipated way, give some thought about some of these classic relationship land mines.

  • How will you respond when your partner falls in love with another woman? What about another man?
  • How will you respond when your partner is enjoying NRE with a new partner?
  • How will you respond when your partner dates someone who seems smarter or prettier than you? Richer? Better job?
  • How will you feel when you fall in love with someone other than your partner?
  • How will you see your existing relationship when you have a shiny new one?
  • How will you respond to seeing your partner hold hands or snuggle with someone new?
  • How will you respond to a request for privacy?
  • How will you respond if the new person wants to move in? What if your partner wants him to move in?
  • How will you respond if your new partner turns out to be more into your husband/wife than you? Will you be able to support them?
  • How will you respond when your fears are triggered?
  • How will you respond when you feel insecure?
  • How will you maintain intimacy and excitement with your current partner?
  • How will you keep up communication with your partner(s) to address issues early?
  • How will you support your partner’s new romances? How will you support their loss/ with your partner being hurt?
  • How will you support your partner’s choices, even if they don’t match yours?
  • How will you respond when you aren’t getting what you want?
  • How will you respond when your new lover isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you respond when your partner isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you respond when your metamour isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you support your metamour?
  • How will you maintain communication with your metamour?
  • How will you respond when there are issues with your metamour?

19:15 Happy Poly Moment

Erika writes in with a great story about being herself on OKC and getting great results!

22:15 Thank you

Thank you to ChasingJoy for being our newest PW Playmate!

22:50 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 396: Minx gets bawdy!

LustyGuy and Minx review a poly play, discuss a sexy article, and Minx gets bawdy!minx bawdy

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

7:45 Topic: When women pursue sex, even men don’t get it

This interesting article citing a number of studies about both rat and human behavior has been making the rounds. What do you think? When women pursue sex, even men don’t get it

19:45 Special: Minx gets bawdy

This time, Minx remembered to hit record! This bawdy story by Minx was performed live at the Bawdy Slam in Seattle on June 12, 2014.

29:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Lust & Marriage: a new play in Seattle

by Ron Richardson

Screen Shot 2014-06-08 at 8.03.20 PM“How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and another to say, ‘I could have done it better.’”

It’s an old joke and one you’ve likely heard. But, in the off chance you haven’t, I thought I’d share it for context and to help you understand that when this actor says a show it good, it’s good. And that is just the case for Lust & Marriage, A solo show about monogamy, polyamory, and finding your soul (mates) by Eleanor O’Brien and running at Theatre Off Jackson through June 14th.

O’Brien tells the story of her developing sexuality starting with herself as a young child experimenting with sensations all the way through her as an experienced woman visiting Burning Man and finding a life partner among the one night stands. It just turns out that said life partner isn’t “wired for monogamy,” and so O’Brien’s development continues. She uses hypothetical letters written to, and answers from, Seattle’s own Dan Savage to frame the events of her sexual life and to serve both as her guiding light and mentor that she grows beyond as she finds herself among the dust, orgasms, and jealousy of her sexual/life journey.

The stories do involve adult situations and the very rare F-bomb is dropped but it is all done through the filter of honest exploration and character and is never bothersome to anyone who can talk about birth control without being embarrassed. And O’Brien manages to switch characters with skill and grace. Her vocal work impressively identifies exactly who is talking at any given moment. She takes on the persona of various boyfriends and lovers and the audience is never confused and always right there with her.

eleanorTechnically she uses music as a bridge between scenes, an effort that was slightly undermined by the overly high volume levels, in some cases. Aware of the issue as she performed O’Brien managed to project over the sound when she needed to but the effort was noticeable to folk with stage experience, even if I’d think most audience members didn’t mark those moments.

As the subtitle says O’Brien discussed non-monogamy with the knowledge of someone who has lived it and the humor of someone who hasn’t take it so seriously as to learn nothing while doing so. Poly folk in the audience will find any number of humorous lines just for them and wince at the common stories of mistakes most all of us have made. As O’Brien discovers, supports, and undermines her own limitations we are all taken along for the journey and it’s a very enjoyable ride.

Well written, well acted, and well meaning Lust & Marriage is a fine way to spend an evening with a very fine actress who’s willing to share the wisdom her life journey has given her. Get yourself down to Theatre Off Jackson and take advantage of it while you can. Monogamous, poly, or something in between there is something for everyone in this night of thoughtful, fun, sexy, theatre.

Ron Richardson is an actor, writer and director based in Seattle, Washington. His new web series pilot is Norm Owensen, Medieval Mercenary, tales of a modern-day SCA fighter who’s down on his luck.

PW 395: Unbalanced triads

How do you cope when your new partner is more into your husband?cat_load_balancer_2

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

5:30 Topic: Triads

A listener wrote in to ask how to deal with being in a triad with a good friend when the friend seems to be more into her husband than into her. How do you keep yourself from feeling left out and excluded when she’s just not as into you?

Deal with this issue as if it were jealousy. Drill down to the root cause and figure out what the deep fear is. Try completing this:

When she is more into him, it means that I am _______________, and I’m afraid that that means that I am ____________ and that eventually, __________ will happen.

13:00 Feedback

Quath shares coming out stories.

15:00 Follow up to Minx coming out

Minx gets the inevitable family backlash to her coming out and shares her thoughts on the process and reactions.

20:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 394: Minx comes out!

4-lolcats-of-the-apocalypseMinx came out to her family in Texas. How did THAT go?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

6:15 Topic: Minx comes out to her family It turns out that other people’s interest in my dating life was greatly exaggerated. Quite anticlimactic! Funniest part was when my mom asked, “Why isn’t it too boys and one girl?”

15:00 Feedback

  • Christina writes in to ask if she can self-identify as polyamorous.
  • FiscalDom wrote in to criticize episode 387 Is Monogamy Natural?

23:00 Thank you! Thanks to John and welcome Erich to the PW Playmates! You make for a very happy Minx! Wrap upQuestions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 393: How to treat your metamour

lolcatnotrealmomHow do you deal with your metamour when things aren’t going well?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

3:30 From the Front

SisyphusUp gives the report from the front from Boston Metro Area Poly (read by LustyGuy) 

6:00 Topic: How to Treat Your Metamour

A listener wrote in to ask how to treat your metamour in a series of very specific questions covering several areas of interpersonal communications. Fortunately, LustyGuy and I got answers!

  1. Amount of interaction with your metamour. The only people who can answer how much metamour interaction is appropriate are you, your hubbie and your metamour. Some people like more interaction; some prefer none; some like minimal. Each one of you should state your needs and wants, why those needs/wants are important to you, and then just talk it through. (I tell a story in the ebook about how I really fucked this up one time!) Seriously, if your metamour wants more interaction with you and you’re willing to give it, do it. If you want more interaction with him/her for your own health and happiness and she/he is willing to give it, do that.
  2. How to manage conflict. Conflict management is best done with the person with whom you are having the conflict. If your partner isn’t that person, it’s best to go directly to the source. Be brave, bring up the issue, state how you feel and ask for help negotiating a solution.
  3. Coping with increasing demands. I recommend weekly relationship check-ins (mentioned in the ebook) for y’all. Every week, meet with your sweetie and/or his lover and talk about how you feel about the relationship, bring up any new issues and catch up on old ones. The great thing about check-ins is that when things are fine, you get good positive reinforcement, and the check-in takes like 30 seconds. But it’s also there for when someone is starting to get a twinge of unhappiness, so you can deal with it before it becomes a big deal.
  4. The best way to foster respect is to give it. The more you appreciate and respect your partners, the easier it is for them to respect and appreciate you and your relationships. We are fond of giving verbal reinforcement on a daily basis. I often tell LustyGuy and L what I like and respect about their relationship, and they do the same for me. I know it sounds all hippie dippy, but I’ve had great success with telling a metamour what I like and respect about her and how I value her relationship with my partner.
  5. Embracing give and take. It’s very important to know what YOU need in order to be happy and healthy in the relationship, and you should tell your partner and your metamour that. What do you need to be happy and healthy? If you have that, great. If not, it’s time to sit down and talk with your partner(s) about how to get it. And remember, it’s always OK to say “no.”
  6. Dealing with a nasty metamour. I think this is covered in #1, 2 and 4, but it’s really important that you talk with your metamour about how you respect her and that you want the same type of respect. Remember that entering an existing couple can be terrifying, knowing that you can be dumped at the drop of a hat if your metamour suddenly decides you’re a threat. If there is nastiness, set up a time and a safe space to talk about how you want to interact and treat each other, and how you two can help support each other’s relationships.
  7. Responsibilities. Everyone is responsible for owning his/her own shit. You get to own your joys and your failings, and it’s everyone else’s job to own theirs. If there is conflict, everyone involved needs to own their part of it, listen to what the others have to say, and say what he/she can do differently next time. It’s no one’s job to moderate a conflict between any two others; the people in conflict are the ones who work that out and report back. Just as you shouldn’t be moderating conflicts between your partner and metamour, he shouldn’t be moderating conflicts between you and your metamour.

31:20 Feedback on “they”

A big thank you to everyone who wrote in and asked why I didn’t want to use “they” to refer to a single person. LustyGuy and I chat about changing grammatical rules, but Minx still refuses to use “they” to refer to a single person until it’s recommended by an accepted style guide. Of course, the exception would be when a specific person requests the use of “they,” in which case Minx gladly submits.

43:00 Happy Poly Moment H shares a happy poly dating moment.

44:15 More feedback

  • Gina writes in to appreciate episode 390 How to Date a Girl
  • Another listener writes in to suggest swing clubs if the woman in 390 isn’t necessarily interested in a romantic relationship with a woman but instead simply on sexual exploration

Thank you!

Thanks to Annalisa, Alan, Benjamin, Alan, Doug and James for their generous donations this week! You make for a very happy Minx!

Wrap up Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 392: Everything you wanted to know about poly

lolcat questionYour questions about poly relationships, answered at Debauchery live panel!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

8:30 Panel: Everything you ever wanted to know about poly

Live from Debauchery, listeners try to stump Minx and LustyGuy with tough poly questions!

  • 15:00 Long distance relationships Advice for someone whose partner is moving overseas and transitioning to a long distance relationship?
  • 24:45 Dealing with envy We’ve been married for 30 years and just had a conversation about additional sexual and romantic things they’d like to experience. Him additional romances, her more kink. How do I deal with feeling envious of his new romances when I want to be happy for him?
  • 39:15 Recovering from abuse After dealing with an abusive breakup, how do I work through that with my current partner if he/she still wants to see the abuser?
  • 48:30 Poly as an older single guy How and when do I come out as poly, since so many women are uncomfortable with it?
  • 1:00:45 Dealing with metamour’s D/s How do you handle a partner who has other partners with whom he/she in a D/s relationship?

Thank you!

Thanks to generous donors Annalisa, Alan, Benjamin, Doug and James!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

8 Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory, Debauchery

I’m here at Debauchery for the first time and having a great time! Thanks to everyone who came out to this session today.

And this was also my second time presenting a shiny, brand-new class: Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory (Before I Tried It and Fucked It Up). The full presentation is below, and the ebook version, complete with a template for writing your own user manual, is now available on Amazon!

And if you’re interested in having me present at your event, contact Minx at Poly Weekly

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?
CatalystCon West '14

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter