PW 410: The world according to Gottman

A biased review of psychologist John Gottman’s research on relationships

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Dr. John Gottman with his wife Julie

Dr. John Gottman with his wife Julie

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

9:40 Topic: The world according to John Gottman

John Gottman is a professor of psychology famous for his work on evaluating marital stability through direct observational data points.

  • Famous for being able to predict whether a couple will stay together (which he refutes, but he can compare data and give odds of success). For example, if more than 20% of your interactions with your partner are negative, it’s likely that something needs to be addressed in order to increase relationship longevity
  • Microexpressions Also famously researched microexpressions
  • Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
  • Accessible research Great marketer and beneficial for taking his research and making the data accessible to the public
  • Challenge: his data isn’t replicable outside his experiments
  • Making bids for connection Recent Business Week article on couples making and accepting bids for connection being a top trait of successful relationships
  • Anger research Master versus disaster model, in which masters use anger to demo emotional importance rather than using it to express contempt. He posits that even healthy couples fight and get angry and that anger is functional in marriage.
  • But be aware that Gottman’s work focuses on monogamy and heterosexual couples only and is not a proponent of polyamory.

30:00 Happy Poly Moment

Clare from London writes in to share her discovery of polyamory, her self-identify as poly and her hopes of applying it to her new relationship.

35:10 Thanks

Thanks to Taylor and Igor for their donations and welcome Doug as the newest Poly Weekly Playmate!

36:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 409: Poly and disabilities

Shanna Katz

Shanna Katz

Everything you need to know about address disabilities in a partner with expert Shanna Katz

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

10:50 Interview: Poly and disabilities

Shanna Katz is a professional pervert with a Masters in Sex Education specializing in sex with disabilities with books on cunnilingus, lesbian sex positions and a women’s sexuality guide.

What you need to know about people with disabilities:

  • Over 20% of the US population has some type of disability, some of which might not be readily visible
  • Ask before you help/ask how you can help rather than just helping
  • Base your level of disclosure about your disability on level of the relationship
  • keep-calm-and-save-spoons-2Don’t offer unsolicited health advice about a condition you don’t have or assume that your experience with a similar condition applies
  • Understand and apply spoon theory
  • If you’re able-bodied, ask “is there anything I need to know about your help to be a better partner to you?”
  • Understand that the person with disabilities might not be able to express what he/she needs right away. If that’s the case, just offer to be there when the person needs something and let him/her initiate the request.
  • Don’t try to fix the person’s disability

Find her at http://www.shannakatz.com or email her at shannakatz@gmail.com

41:30 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 408: Time enough for love?

lolcatnotamusedAm I just secondary or is he not that into me?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

Topic: Am I just secondary or is he not that into me?

A listener writes in with a concern that her partner doesn’t seem to have time or focused attention for her. She and he are both married and have been dating about seven months, but he rarely initiates contact and hasn’t yet arranged for them to have intimate time together. His wife says things are fine. Is this just how secondaries are treated, she asks, or does the lack of time spent together mean he is he not that into me?

  • What would monogamists do? Would you have been OK with this level of intimacy in any other relationship?
  • Being poly doesn’t mean a lack of emotional intimacy
  • The only thing that matters is whether it works for YOU
  • Ask for what you want

Happy Poly Moment

  • Sarah shares a lovely happy poly moment about a new metamour reaching out to her
  • G shares a happy poly moment about going to a film festival with two lovers and having them there to provide support during a triggering moment

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 407: Poly ethics with Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

morethantwoMore Than Two co-authors Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert talk poly ethics

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

  • We’re back on iTunes! Why not write a review to celebrate?
  • And we’re going on vacation!

2:50 Interview: Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, co-authors of the new book on polyamory, More Than Two, join us for a chat about poly ethics.

  • 2:50 Why another book on polyamory? A focus on practicality over theory and a deep dive into what “ethical” means.
  • 17:30 Empowerment over rules
  • 26:20 Book tour
  • 38:40 Win a signed copy of More Than Two by calling 802-505-POLY and sharing an example of how you used communication skills to navigate a tricky situation!

FRanklinEveMinxContact Eve or Franklin at mailto:info@morethantwo.com or write a review on Amazon. Select your purchase options at MoreThanTwo.com/book and Tweet them at Franklin or Eve.

42:45 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 406: Negotiating from a “no”

lolcatnoHow to respond when you own your shit, ask for what you want and your partner says “no”

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

Still deleted from iTunes. You can still find us through www.polyweekly.com, the Poly Weekly app or just copy the RSS and paste it into any podcatcher that isn’t iTunes

2:30 Topic: Negotiating from a “no”

When listener S identified awkwardness with her partner when she came home from a date, she did everything right: did some self-analysis, named her insecurity and requested a physical reconnection with her partner after a date. An excellent case of owning her own shit and asking for what she wanted!

And the partner said “no.” Where do you go from here?

Keep in mind that just because you ask for what you want doesn’t mean you’re going to get it! This is the beginning of a discussion:

  • Ask your partner for a counter offer. If not a planned physical reconnection, then what might he be able to do?
  • If necessary, evaluate and counter his counter-offer. Show that you are making efforts to accommodate his feelings, as you are asking him to accommodate yours.
  • Ask your partner about his feelings. Encourage him to explore and do any necessary shit-owning.

13:10 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 405: Testing the poly waters with a monogamist

What do you do when your first step into polyamory is with a married monogamist?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

waterlolcatIntroduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

2:35 Topic: Testing the poly waters with a monogamist

Our listener has a dear friend she met about the same time she met her husband. He is monogamously married as well. They have fallen in love. She and her husband have been talking about swinging/sexual polyamory but with falling in love as a strict taboo. How do she and her new beau come out to their current partners about their new relationship and polyamory?

  • Challenges:
    • you’re already a couple with your new beau and have been for quite a while now
    • you’re both in monogamous relationships
    • Neither of your partners is aware of your relationship, so huge trust issues will undoubtedly arise when you do come out (the “how long has this been going on” issue)
    • You have to introduce the idea of polyamory at the same time you’re introducing a real person that you already love, which puts your current partners in a very uncomfortable position; it’s hard not to take the coming out as an ultimatum
  • Prescription: time. You must give your current partners weeks, months and years to digest not only the idea of polyamory but also a relatively well-developed poly relationship—that’s a tall order. Your current partners need time to overreact, get hurt, call names, make rules, freak out, etc. over the next few months or years.

15:30 Feedback

OKCupid story

16:25 Happy Poly Moment

  • Krista shares a happy poly moment about good metamour relations in advance of her moving to town
  • Stacy used the idea of relationship land mines to cope with the challenging situation of experience shock and should be proud of her ability to identify her emotion of being excluded rather than jealousy

20:10 Thank you!

Thanks to Michele for her donation this week!

20:44 iTunes deletion update

21:10 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 404: Is he poly or just chicken?

89-Lolcats-FUNNY-EASTER-cat-WITH-CHICKEN-hat-DISGUISEDWhat do you do when the point of your vee isn’t communicating with your metamour?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

5:35 Topic: Is he poly or just chicken?

S writes in to ask what to do. She’s been dating a guy for five months who has another girlfriend of 10 months. But S has found that she wants to move in with the guy and be his primary, and he purports to secretly agree with her plans but hasn’t disclosed anything to the 10-month girlfriend. What to do? Does he really want to move forward with his polyamory with S or is he just using the 10-month girlfriend as an excuse to keep things on hold or secret until he sees how things shake out?

Minx recommends:

  • Insist on honestly for all parties involved It’s the rare relationship that can build a foundation on a lack of honesty. Currently she is the target, but what if there is something he’s afraid to discuss with you later on? There is no excuse for a lack of honesty.
  • Insist he own his shit The point of a vee has an additional duty to be aware of the needs of the two other parties, and he is failing at that. He really needs to own his shit, face it, and get honest with both you and her about what he is afraid of and what he really wants. Even if he doesn’t know what he wants, this conversation simply must happen with you, him and her.
  • You can be honest If he won’t talk to her, you can be the brave one. You can talk to her honestly about what you want, even if it seems confrontational. You can step up and have the integrity that he doesn’t have and tell her what you want for yourself, with the understanding that just because you want it doesn’t mean you’ll get it (and the same is true for her desires, but isn’t it better that you hear them directly from her?).

15:30 Happy Poly Moment

  • Rowan shares a happy poly moment about having the bravery to hear about a metamour she didn’t she she was brave enough to hear about
  • Kris shares a happy poly moment about a sectional couch!
  • Benny shares a happy poly moment about meeting his boyfriend’s wife

23:30 Thanks

Thanks to John for the fun $69 donation!

24:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 403: Striking while the iron is cold

grumpy-button-lolcatShould you bring in a new poly partner when your current partner agreed to it years ago and you’ve become distant in the meantime?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

9:10 Striking when the iron is cold

Ricado has been with Sue for 20 years; used to have a strong bond, and she used to be adventurous and even liked the idea of poly but grew apart due to her disability involving chronic pain. Years go by; separate bedrooms (physical reasons, not sexual), and he meets someone. An intimate friend he’d like to bring in to the relationship.

What to do? The timing of the friendship is suspicious, and he doesn’t want to just say, “Hey, I met someone!” nor pressure his current partner into feeling like her disability was the cause. What to do?

First, be brave and tell her everything you just told me, including your fears about how it came about and what you’re afraid that will look like to her.

Also, a few things to consider:

  • You What course of action is going to help you to be a better version of yourself?
  • The relationship What course of action is going to support the health of your current relationship? It sounds to me like it has become based on tacit understandings rather than open and honest communication, which hints that the relationship might not be completely healthy at the moment.
  • The prospective partner If you want to have hope of successfully initiating a new poly relationship, you must heal your current relationship first. It’s unfair to invite a third party into a relationship that isn’t 100% open, honest and healthy. That will have an extremely high likelihood of causing a huge amount of drama, pain, guilt and resentment for all parties involved.

 21:40 Feedback

Kabe responds to the Poly Mythbusters episode by reminding us that 1-2% of the population is asexual, so it’s really NOT all about the sex.

23:30 Happy Poly Moment

D happily reports that his monogamous relationship is now poly-ish due to BDSM proclivities!

26:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 402: PW live at CatalystCon!

CatalystCon West 2014 PW livePW LIVE at CatalystCon with Reid Mihalko and Charlie Glickman!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

Bawdy Storytelling is coming to Seattle October 3 at 8:00 Rebar!

1:30 PW Live from CatalystCon West!

My guests are Charlie Glickman and Reid Mihalko!

  • Charlie Glickman on self descriptionTopic: how do we stop policing our poly communities and embrace tolerance?
    • We need a space for the newbies and the old guard who don’t want to have to step back and explain the 101 questions
    • remember when judging others that the finger points back at you#cconminx date your species
    • how can we tolerate a world free of shame if we then shame others?
    • if you’re happy and dating your species, why does it matter?
    • let’s not shit on the mono community–bad marketing!
    • “There is no one more zealous than the newly converted” – Charlie
  • 34:00 if you’re a newbie, is there something you need to be able to demonstrate to share with the veterans so they’ll be more comfy with you?#cconminx self awarenes
    • Reid: ability to clearly voice needs and wants; self-awareness. Minx says “self awareness is really sexy”
    • Charlie: how do you handle conflict, anger and fear?
    • If you get a negative response such as “wow poly sounds hard,” ask “why does that sound hard to you?”
  • 39:45 What does queer mean to you?
    • Reid: I’m awesome sexual. When I started dating sluts, no one was complaining how slutty I was. Date #cconminx Awesome sexualyour species! There’s a difference between a car working harder because it’s going uphill or straining because the parking brake is on.
    • Charlie: date people of both genders but more about world view rather than gender assignations
  • 45:30 How is poly done differently regionally?
    • Charlie recommends asking for community norms before visiting
  • 48:00 How do you find a good local community? Openingup.net, also Google “polyamory” and the name of the city

52:00 Thank you!

Thanks to Bret and David for their generous donations this week!

52:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Why I love CatalystCon

A quick write up of one my favorite sex positive conferences in the U.S.

#CconOK Opening Keynote panel!

#CconOK Opening Keynote panel!

One of my favorite conferences to attend is CatalystCon. Why? Because it’s not a kink conference. Or a poly conference. It is a sex-positive conference that brings together sex educators, activists, bloggers, sex workers, erotica writers, pornographers, political advocates and more in one big ass event.

Why do I enjoy it so much? Because I get exposed to other’s activism that I would normally be blind to: Joan Price‘s excellent work on senior sex and erotica; Charlie Glickman‘s work on gender as a verb; Dr. Winston Wilde‘s work on psychotherapy for alternative sexualities. It allows me as an educator to take off the blinders and play in others’ playgrounds so I can be a better and more tolerant advocate within my own poly community.

#Ccon West lunch

#Ccon West lunch

Plus, for two whole days, I get to walk around like a rock star and meet people whom I only know by email or Twitter icon. :-) And I’ll admit it: being famous for a weekend doesn’t suck!

That being said, it’s difficult to encapsulate the value of the conference in one blog post. Since I wasn’t able to live blog or Storify at this event as is my preference (due to fatigue, not any lack on the part of the organizer), I give you this list of awesome stuff I learned at this year’s CatalystCon West:

 

Cool Stuff I Learned at #ccon 2014:

  1. Reid Mihalko does a really convincing Dr. Phil impression.

    #CconSelf Marketing panel

    #CconSelf Marketing panel

  2. “Queer” (along with many other gender, sexual and relationship identities) is used to mean vastly different things, so it’s a good idea to ask “What does that mean to you?”
  3. You can make Charlie Glickman blush by treating him like a lady.
  4. There are a lot of really hard-working activists out there who need to hear that their part-time efforts, whether it be “just a blog” or “just a meetup group” are helping, and that that is enough.
  5. Clitorectomies were performed to cure lesbianism and paid for by Blue Cross up until 1977.
  6. There is a lot of debate about whether to use trigger warnings, and people are really passionate about their stances on it.
  7. Poly Weekly fans are the best, hottest, smartest and sexiest folks out there!
  8. Poly Weekly live podcast at #ccon west!

    Poly Weekly live podcast at #ccon west!

    Some people use “sex positive” to mean “sexually free” rather than to refer to an attitude characterized by acceptance and tolerance with regard to sexual identity, practices and needs. But Carol Queen wrote a great post explaining what “sex positive” is and isn’t.

  9. People who want to be sex-positive educators and activists really want to know how to protect their identities online.
  10. Rachel Kramer Bussel, Reid Mihalko and Charlie Glickman are the marketing goddesses of the sex positive world!

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?
Poly Weekly blog award

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter