Poly Dating 101

Thanks to everyone who attended and asked questions at yesterday’s Debauchery session on poly dating! The slides are here for your enjoyment:

PW 390: How to date a girl

catdateHow does a gal in a heterosexual relationship safely explore her bi side and date girls?

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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

6:00 Topic: How to date a girl

Listener A wrote in to ask how to safely explore her bisexual side without freaking out herself or her partner.

  • What do you to when your first experience with a member of the same sex doesn’t work out?
  • How do you deal with feeling crushed when the girl you were dating expresses interest in your male partner rather than you?
  • How do you explore scary same sex dating while still feeling emotionally safe?

17:15 Happy Poly Moment

  • Joreth shares a happy poly moment about gaining metamours as lifetime friends, even after a breakup with the original partner
  • A monogamous listener writes in to say that he values Poly Weekly for showing him the opportunities and explorations that are possible, even if they are not being currently pursued

23:45 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 378: Poly dating on OKCupid

online-dating-lolcatTips for poly dating on OKCupid

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3:00 Topic: Poly dating on OKCupid

Q wrote in to ask if it was unrealistic to hope for a polifidelitous triad with two bisexual guys and to seek that on OKCupid.

  • It’s great to have an idea of what you want, but it shouldn’t impair your openness to great folks who might not fit into that exact box.
  • Remember that what’s most important in love and emotional intimacy is how you respond to the person and whether he meets your emotional needs, stated or unstated.
  • Rather than imagining what a future mate will look like, think instead about how you want to feel in a relationship. Do you want to feel like a valued partner, an adored princess, a wise leader, a sex toy, a best friend?

19:00 Feedback

R asks for advice about her poly situation. What do you do when your play partner takes on a new, young partner (your new metamour) who is prone to jealous fits and tantrums whenever you have a play date with him? My advice:

  1. You can choose to leave.
  2. You can open up communications with her (the new metamour) in a friendly, non-confrontational manner.
  3. You can bring it up with him—as the point of the vee, keeping the communication going between you and the new metamour is technically his responsibility.

27:45 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 355: Does penis size matter?

The study, finally! How much does penis size matter?

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1:00 Topic: Does penis size matter?

An Australian researcher finally did a study matching the relevance of penis size as a factor in combination with other physical factors for physical attractiveness. Does it matter?

Other headlines citing the study:

11:40  Happy Poly Moment

E shares a great story of transition of a partner moving from “hell no” to “this is cool”

13:10 Feedback

  • Lynn shares feedback on the HSV episode that made it much easier to avoid the shame spiral.
  • ArcticWolf shares thoughts on the stats on the poly marriage failure rate

Thank you

Thanks to Joseph, Andrew, Meg and Emma for their donations this week!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 344: Consent is sexy

Embracing Yes Means Yes and the fact that consent is sexy

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1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • No holiday chat here, just good kerfuffles of the week with LustyGuy cohosting

3:15 Topic: Nice guys rape, too

As part of the Good Men Project, Alyssa Royse penned this piece trying to explain that nice guys can commit rape, unbeknownst to them. The backlash against her piece has been significant. Our key objections:

  • Saying that women give off “mixed signals” is not only wrong but irrelevant; it can come off as a rape apology
  • Agreed that “no means no” does not work
  • However, “yes means yes” does work 100% of the time

Backlash pieces:

21:45 Topic: Pink loves consent

A group of feminists in Baltimore coordinated a masterful spoof of Victoria’s Secret PINK site, which is typically targeted at teen and college-age women and bears thongs sporting motifs such as “Sure Thing” printed on skimpy thongs. PinkLovesConsent was such a pitch-perfect spoof of the site (now bearing panties sporting “Ask First” and “No Means No”) that even VS employees believed it to be real and congratulated the company on its embracing of women’s issues.

Sadly, Victoria’s Secret had nothing to do with it. But wouldn’t it be great if they had?

26:35 Happy Poly Moment

  • Irina shares a happy poly moment about a kick-ass metamour
  • Alicia shares a happy poly moment of being welcomed into a relationship

30:00 Feedback

  • Joreth writes in to correct evolutionary assumptions in episodes 333, 336 and 340 on the upsuck theory
  • Jenny makes a point about compulsions in response to episode 309 on sex addiction

34:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 343: The care and feeding of non-primaries

How to welcome that awesome non-primary into your couple and keep the relationship healthy and the non-primary happy and respected

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1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • Want to support marriage equality? Try wearing your wedding ring on your right hand and post a picture with the hashtag #choosetheright. More info at choosetheright.org

4:00 Topic: How to treat non-primaries well

Aggie of the SoloPoly blog crowdsourced an article. She asked non-primary partners what they considered to be kind and considerate treatment by their partners, usually people in a couple. The results were informative and include a long list of do's and a short list of don'ts—see all the info on this living document of How to Treat Non-Primaries Well.

40:00 Happy Poly Moment

Roue shares a happy poly moment about a partner coming home.

42:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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PW 341: The poly professional woman

If you're a busy professional woman, how do you make time to date and form more than one relationship?

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1:00 Announcements and host chat

Congrats to friend of Poly Weekly and queer, kinky poly grrl Pretty Ribbons on getting a book publishing deal from her blog!

2:45 Topic: Poly professional woman (rebroadcast)

A listener writes in to ask how a full-time woman who puts her career first and still handles the home responsibilities can find dating anything other than exhausting. Also, what to do when your partner has more free time and energy to date, causing dating envy.

  • First, sympathy—I work for a startup and have also made work my priority, so it is very hard to find energy to date after putting all your passion into your work.
  • Second, evaluate your priorities. Do a goal-setting session using Your Best Year Yet to establish your priorities for the next 12 months. If dating isn’t that valuable to you and doesn’t make the list, treat it like any other type of jealousy and act accordingly. If it is, try making 1-hour lunch date “chemistry tests” or make weekly OKCupid online vetting nights (with wine and a girlfriend!) to get started.
  • Third, take immediate action. It sounds like the chore split was created when you had more free time, so redistribute household chores to give you more time and energy for self-care and other essential/fun priorities.
  • Finally, it might be helpful to listen to the episodes on introverts and on jealousy.
  • And bonus: “sleep is the new sex” It’s the ultimate luxury and vice; treat it as a precious resource!

18:30 Feedback

Gabriel writes in to ask if there are any children’s books to introduce poly to kids—anyone know of one or want to take on the task?

Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!


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PW 327: Help! I’m rich, and I have a big penis!

What to do when your metamours get jealous of your wealth and well-hung dick

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

  • Minx and LustyGuy share the importance of owning your own poly shit.
  • Minx tells about a recent instance when the usually supportive LustyGuy asked for support himself, and Minx fell short. Instead of drama ensuing, Minx took the next opportunity to look at her shit and apologize for being an insensitive jerk.
  • Wanna go to Burning Man? We are raffling off a ticket in July as a fundraiser to send Minx to CatalystCon! For every $10 donation here, you’ll get one raffle entry. On July 30, we’ll draw and announce the winner of the ticket to Burning Man 2012! Void where prohibited.

10:00 Topic: Help! I’m rich with a big penis!

Cyotee calls in to ask for help: he’s rich with a big dick. What to do? Well, specifically, what to do when his metamours get jealous of his marathon lovemaking sessions and lavish trips with their sweeties? Minx and LustyGuy give advice:

  • Keep in mind that anyone can have great vacation sex. The new, outside lover is often in a perpetual state of NRE or “vacation sex.”
  • Don’t play the comparison game between you and your metamour, and don’t let your partners do it, either. Instead, find the joy in the moment and in each partner.
  • Show that you support the existing relationship. If you don’t know, ask your metamour how to keep their relationship happy and healthy.
  • Treat the relationship like a birthday party for an 8-year-old: bring a present for the birthday girl’s younger brother. Instead of buying your lover a $500 diamond necklace, buy a $250 necklace and a really nice bottle of scotch for your metamour. Let some of your love and attention for your lover spill over onto the metamour as well.
  • Or when you take your lover on a vacation, invite the metamour along. Or give him tickets to an event he’ll enjoy.

25:30 Happy Poly Moment

Charles and Sarah share the story of being married for 16 years with 4 kids and opening their marriage. They starting dating a couple, uncovered emotional baggage and took a break to deal with their own baggage and insecurities.

A few comments: Remember that your first relationship is with yourself. Also, while it’s nice to want to get back together with the couple you started dating, keep in mind that personal growth and appropriate relationships should be the goal, not one relationship in particular.

32:10 Feedback

Tony is a new listener who wrote in about a 90s song that is poly-ish: Three Is Family.

35:45 Thanks

Thanks to Eynstein, Wayne and Chris for the donations this week. Woo hoo!

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 318: The New Monogamy

Dr. Tammy Nelson shares how the world of online dating, social media and texting has changed marriage and monogamy

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

2:00 The New Monogamy with Dr. Tammy Nelson

Dr. Tammy Nelson, therapist and author of a soon-to-be-released book on The New Monogamy, answers questions on the new state of monogamy:

  • Has marriage gone out of fashion?
  • How has online dating affected marriage?
  • Do those who identify as monogamous need to expect infidelity?
  • Are Facebook and texting to blame for affairs?
  • Are affairs actually good for a marriage?
  • What is the new monogamy?

31:40 Feedback

Jess writes in to thank PW for helping her poly family through the introduction of HPV and the tools to help the group be level-headed and talk openly and honestly.

Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

How not to be a douche on FetLife

It is always my divine pleasure to present on just about any topic at MomentumCon, one of my favorite sex-positive events. It’s always chock-full of luminaries and sexy thought leaders with forward-looking ideas and insights. Great stuff!

My talk this year was a little more down and dirty. Based on the research you guys helped me conduct, I created a deck of guidelines based on the biggest complaints users made regarding sex-positive community sites such as FetLife. Without further ado, here it is: How Not to Be a Douche on FetLife.

How not to be a douche on FetLife

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