Poly Weekly #156 Practical Polyamory with Tacit

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the new FORUMS at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

1:34 Introduction of our guest!
Tacit Franklin Veaux from http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html is working on a book proposal for a practical guide on dealing with poly. Minx sits down with him in Atlanta to talk about his new project.

2:00 Interviewing Tacit
Minx and Tacit are outside enjoying the fresh air of Atlanta. It took Tacit about 15 minutes to get the request for a proposal!

3:14 Tacit puts the request out for people to contact him with their great stories. He would love to hear from people who are really succesful or who have made mistakes and worked through them. You can mail him at tacitr@aol.com (Yeah, I know. I was thinking the same thing. AOL? Really? – FS)

4:20 Some interesting topics in Tacit’s book we might not have seen in other books. He plans on having a practical how-to guide outside of the other subcultures (e.g. paganism, bdsm). Also, poly/mono relationships and poly relationships that aren’t based on a core “couple.”

8:20 (Man, is it loud out there! :) – FS)

8:45 What happens if our partner compares us to the other people? How do we not let that bother us?

10:15 Great story about Minx’s sex life. Pretty hot!

12:37 NRE shouldn’t totally make your brains dribble out your ears!

14:00 How does trust and faith play into this? To Tacit, faith implies a lack of evidence.

16:20 Minx attempts to drag teasers out of Tacit. He mentions a chapter on common Poly mistakes

17:00 Tacit outed himself to his hairdresser who thought poly was ok because “all men cheat anyway!” He delicately let the conversation drop.

18:25 Media liked to present poly like what the hairdresser thought. Fortunately, that is changing.

19:30 Minx puts a call out to the Religious Right to persecute her! and um, something about having sex with goats….

20:08 It would appear Tacit gets around… Thanks for the interview Tacit! You can hear Tacit again on episode #116.

22:38 Another thanks to Tacit. A very tired Minx is getting ready for Shibaricon where she won’t be too “tied up” (Get it! Tied up! HAHA! erm, anyway – FS) to do some interviews while there.

SPECIAL THANKS to Raymond for putting together this week’s show notes! (That’s me btw – FS)

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

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Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #153: Listener Feedback Frenzy!

The new Polyamory Weekly #153: Listener Feedback Frenzy is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #153

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

1:00 Announcement

  • Broom Street Theater has just opened its run of Multiple O, based on The Ethical Slut, which runs through June 8th
  • 5:30 Listener Mail
    Amul comments on the poly roundtable from Conflation “you do the thing you’re scared of, and you get the courage after, not before”
    9:15 Chrysallis shares his coming-out story
    11:05 Steve Eley comments on the Sexy Shenanigans episode and historical non-monogamy about William Moulten
    13:00 Lea, a family therapist in California, asks about the connection between engineers/geeks/role-playing gamers and poly; if you need a poly-friendly therapist in California, visit First Street Therapy
    17:20 Jacob from Texas sends in Torchwood spank for the Minx!
    18:40 BravoTango and bringing “metamour” to the community; why no one wants to discuss polygyny and polyandry
    23:55 Feedback on #150: Five Places to Meet Poly People

    • Nobilis agrees on being friendworthy before dateworthy; met his first poly family in the SCA
    • Adam mentions Snuggle Parties and trance dance events as places to meet people, including LoveTribe
    • Quidis adds swing parties to the list

    32:35 Jacob from Texas comments on Graydancer’s reading of “Pressure” for Escape Pod and my own reading for Podcastle, “For Fear of Dragons“; this gives me a chance to pimp out both podcasts–Escape Pod for science fiction and Podcastle for fantasy; I also just did a reading for Pseudopod, the horror podcast
    39:50 Jamie in Mississippi says it’s illegal to start up a poly group there!
    41:50 Bubba wrote in to ask about poly seniors
    44:00 Helen Fisher spoke on love and monogamy again at TED; download the video here

    45:15 Wrap-up
    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

    Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

    Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

    Poly Weekly #151: Can you love two at once?

    The new Polyamory Weekly #151: Can You Love Two at Once is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #151

    Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
    Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

    0:00 Introduction and host chat
    Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the new FORUMS at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

    1:30 Host Chat
    Looking forward to Sex 2.0 conference; introducing Alan’s segment from the Poly Living conference

    3:30 Topic: Can you love two at once?
    This stems from a Dear Abby question from a woman who says she is in love with two people at once and wonders if that is possible–just asking the question in this way shows progress. And Abby’s response isn’t too bad–she begins by saying that you can love two people for different reasons. She then shows her monogamous bias, but the openness with which the question is addressed shows a marked difference from past responses.

    7:50 Report: Poly Living Conference
    Alan of the Poly in the Media blog took a voice recorder to the Poly Living conference and brought us along for the ride!
    9:00 Anita Wagner discusses her workshop on jealousy; she recommends communication, education and owning one’s own jealousy
    11:20 Serena Anderlini-d’Onofrio discusses her workshop on bisexuality; Alan asks about being “bisensual” or “bi-intimate” without being bisexual
    14:45 Michel Z talks about being more honest in relationships and when not to be 100% honest
    16:15 C.T. Butler discusses the consensus decision-making process as a formal model for decision-making within a poly family; cooperation rather than competition
    18:30 Deborah Anapol, the conference’s keynote speaker, points out that we need to live outside our conditioning and take charge of our own relationship decisions
    Alan applauds that Loving More stepped in to take over the conference after George Marvil’s death–quit giving to the tobacco corporations, go to PolyLiving.org for next year’s conference; check LovingMore for their east and west coast retreats in the meatime

    21:15 Wrap-up
    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

    Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

    Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

    Poly Weekly #150: Five Places to Meet Poly People

    The new Polyamory Weekly #150: Five Places to Meet Poly People is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #150

    Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
    Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

    0:00 Introduction and host chat
    Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the new FORUMS at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

    2:00 Host Chat
    Review of the Poly Weekly Book Club that discussed Anapol’s Polyamory: the New Love Without Limits

    5:45 Five Places to Meet Poly People
    This stemmed from the book club discussion–when Anapol’s book was written, poly people used to have to place ads and interview potential tribe members. We should all consider ourselves damn lucky that we have come into polyamory during the age of the marvelous interwebz, when we can easily Google “polyamory” and find definitions, explanations, how-to’s and groups that meet in real life to find like-minded folks.

    First, look for groups in your area. Look first for like-minded folks in a support network in your area, not just potential partners to date. It will be difficult to find poly partners if you’re not out as poly to some extent. Be brave and meet other poly people first, before looking for sexual partners. Then…

    1. Use the internet to find poly meetup groups in your area. Go and meet people and ask questions.
    2. Science fiction conventions. Seriously, guys, there’s something about exploring alternative realities that makes sci-fi geeks poly-friendly. If you’re not brave enough to go to a convention, go to Meetup.com and do a search in your area for whatever your specific taste of sci-fi geekery might be.
    3. BDSM and kink events. Kinky people tend to be familiar with non-monogamy, probably because negotiating the fulfillment of someone’s fetish outside a relationship isn’t all that uncommon.
    4. Pagan circles and events. Drumming circles, pagan events, Burning Man, trance events–these are all alternative spiritualities and will have poly- and poly-friendly folks in them. But please, don’t fake interest in this type of spirituality just to find poly people.
    5. Renaissance faires and SCA events. Not quite sure why, but medieval re-enacters and rennies tend to be open to polyamory. Maybe it’s the costuming? Men in kilts?

    23:30 Wrap-up
    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

    Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

    Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

    What, like two boyfriends?

    A video based on the David Rovics song:

    Poly Weekly #143: New Relationship Energy: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly

    The new Polyamory Weekly #143: is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #143

    Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
    Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

    0:00 Introduction and host chat
    Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the new FORUMS at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

    2:00 Promo stuff
    Promo for Sex 2.0 in Atlanta–come and be sex-positive with us!

    2:30 Topic with Guest; Katie: New Relationship Energy
    New Relationship Energy as defined by Wikipedia; Ravenscroft‘s definition is that it is the period of time when your obsession with the relationship overcomes your common sense; Helen Fisher’s book, Why We Love was the source for the brain chemistry comments; 9:40 what NOT to do when in the throes of NRE; 16:45 try asking your NRE crush what other people say about him/her; talk to the last partner if you can; nice thing about poly is that a current partner (who isn’t wearing the love goggles) can give an outside perspective

    26:10 Wrap-up

    Minx is off to
    Conflation this weekend to dress as Inara

    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

    Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

    Poly Weekly #141: You’re Fat! Redux

    The new Polyamory Weekly #141: You’re Fat, redux is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #141

    Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
    Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!
    0:00 Introduction and host chat
    Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the new FORUMS at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

    2:00 Announcements & Promo stuff

    8:50 Topic: You’re Fat!, redux: How much honesty is too much honesty?

    1. First type of response: society is wrong (she shouldn’t have to lose the weight; he should still find her attractive; as a culture, we’re overweight)
    2. 17:30 Second type of response: try the indirect approach; use positive reinforcement (invite your partner on your walks
    3. 20:00 Third type of response: find out what’s at the root of the weight gain (depression, poor self-esteem) and address that; there is usually a reason people stop taking care of themselves; consider that this is affecting the sexual desire of both partners, not just the man;
    4. 26:00 Fourth type of response: if you have built trust with your partner, you can bring up any issue, even weight gain (if you have a history of bringing up difficult issues for the good of the relationship, your partner will have faith in you in this, too)

    34:50 Wrap-up
    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

    Can NRE be Zen?

    At first glance, I really liked this post about the Zen of attraction. As I read the ten principles to the Zen of attraction, I thought, “Wow! This would be a great way to decrease drama in my life! If I could only do this, then my relationships would be so much easier!”

    I still think it bears reading and a good “hmmmm.” But as I thought about it, especially in consideration of Helen Fisher’s Why We Love, which explains the chemistry actually going on in your brain when you are attracted to someone, I don’t think that a Zen approach to NRE (New Relationship Energy, for those not lucky enough to have experienced it recently) is all that realistic. Thing is, when we are experiencing attraction, our brain chemistry is different. New lovers experience high levels of chemicals that allow them to do things like stay up all night, pass sleepless nights thinking of one another and talk incessantly. I’m not saying that that type of chemistry can’t be fought or controlled, but my question is: is it very Zen to do so? We only get NRE for a short while, and then our brain stabilizes (thank goodness; how many nights can you really stay awake mooning over a new lover?) and returns to a more sustainable level of intimacy. Being Zen about a new attraction–promising, offering, needing nothing–doesn’t really seem to respect the chemistry of the brain.

    Now, I’m not saying that we should just all go hog-wild and give in to the glorious thrill that is NRE. I’ve seen many a relationship destroyed by a partner who got too embroiled in NRE and neglected his other partners or her other obligations in life. And I actually think it’s a good idea not to make promises or raise expectations too high and just accept and enjoy the moment, whatever that may be. Perhaps I’m suggesting a balance between complete Zen calm and the silly unreasonableness of NRE. What do you think?

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