PW 333: This week in poly

What happen in the polysphere this week? Civil unions in Brazil, solo polys and Republicans on the female anatomy.

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1:00 News and host chat

  • I’ll be giving Content Creation for the Online Activist at CatalystCon September 14-16 in Long Beach

3:40 This week in poly

25:00 Happy Poly Moment

  • Ryan in Denver shares a cuddly HPM
  • Rob shares a nekked camping HPM in Missouri

29:00 Feedback

  • Joan MADE MY DAY with her heartfelt thanks for episode 330 on welcoming a third into your relationship

32:00 Thanks

Thanks to Eric, Joan and John for the donations this week!

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!


PW 332: The reality behind Showtime’s polyamory

An interview with Anthony and Vanessa on the reality process behind Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating

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1:00 News and host chat

  • I’ll be giving Content Creation for the Online Activist at CatalystCon September 14-16 in Long Beach

3:00 Interview: Anthony and Vanessa from Polyamory: Married and Dating

  • Anthony Christofani

    How long have you identified as poly and how did you come into it?

    • Anthony was always poly before he knew the word; Vanessa came to it from cheating.
  • Why did you decide to put your personal and sex lives on TV?
    • No one else raised their hands!
  • Did you have messaging goals going in and if so, are they being met?
    • Starting the conversation about an alternative to monogamy and the possibility of a functional, intimate relationship with more than one person
    • Coming across as happy and healthy
  • What was not included?
    • The rest of our lives: they cut out pretty much everything but the relationship (jobs, school, political activism, family issues)
  • What’s with all the sex scenes?
    • Vanessa posits that the sex shown is loving group sex, which is new
  • How do you respond to the community criticism regarding the lack of diversity in casting?

    Vanessa Carlisle

    • The show is limited to the few people willing to put their lives on TV, and there were attempts to show diversity, but none of those people agreed to be on the show
  • How much of the show is staged?
    • Yes and no to the staging question. They are not told to say anything in particular, but filming is scheduling in advance.
  • What do you want the polys and monogamous folks of the world to know?
    • Monogamous: thanks for the open-mindedness
    • Poly: thanks for the support and remember that we only represent ourselves; this is just the first foray

35:00 Feedback: how do I convey jealousy to my partner without him off?

A writes in to ask for advice. Her new partner was previously monogamous, and when A has occasional bouts of jealousy and insecurity, the new partner will just end the new relationship to make it easier on A. “How can I go about asking for the care I need without scaring him off?”

  • Edward: tell him you’re feeling jealous and explain it’s not a call to action
  • Ken: communicate the feeling of insecurity and ask him to help you understand it
  • Sarah: just say how you feel and reassure your partner that they don’t need to act
  • Scott: African masks and a voodoo ritual (to scare your partner off)?
  • Becky: admit feelings to yourself first and admit they aren’t rational; say “I don’t need you to change what you’re doing, but I just wanted you to know what is going on”
  • Dave: preface with “I feel kinda dumb bringing this up, but…” and share your feelings
  • Gigi: preface with “I realize this is really more about me and not about the situation… “ and share your feelings
  • Andrew: be responsible for your feelings and express them so that it’s clear to your partner that you know you are responsible
  • Lindsay: communicate root of your jealousy clearly and own your feelings

42:00 Thanks

Thanks to Joan for the donation this week!

43:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!


PW 331: The scheduling dance

How to manage a poly dating schedule without stepping on toes

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1:00 News and host chat

  • LustyGuy cohosts
  • I’ll be giving Content Creation for the Online Activist at CatalystCon September 14-16 in Long Beach

2:45 Topic: The schedule dance

Herbalwise calls in to ask best practices for coordinating schedules with a new partner while being considerate of the existing partner. If you can’t do a regular date night because of kids and whatnot, how do you grab time while remaining considerate of the life partner?

  • Question: why can’t dates be scheduled?
  • Question: why are you hesitating to speak to your life partner about dates and scheduling?
  • LustyGuy points out the importance of time budgeting
  • Minx recommends the three C’s of poly dating:
    • Clarity – be clear about what you want, need and will accept
    • Calendar – used shared calendars (Google is popular)
    • Communication – communicate with all parties before, during and after dates as needs shift and change
  • Recommendations from listeners via Facebook, Twitter and Google+ include:
    • Shared Google calendars and unlimited texting plans
    • Only have as many partners as you can handle and schedule time-wise
    • Schedule some events long in advance and leave blocks of time open for serendipitous meetings with lovers
    • Overlapping social circles, group dates and double dates
    • Teuxdeux for tasks

33:00 Happy Poly Moment

DDom shares joy in discovering a close community via FetLife.

37:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!


PW 330: Adding a third without making a third wheel

Adding a third without making a third wheel

How do you open up a couple? Advice on how to welcome a third from a HBB

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1:00 News and host chat

  • Congratulations to our Burning Man ticket winner!
  • Thanks to M, Christopher, Eynstein, Wayne, Elijah, Marshall, Ioana, Devon, Jessica, Karl, Scott, Jason, Lee, Greg, Cornelius, Damita for their donation during the Burning Man fundraiser

5:00 Topic: From two to three

Advice to couples on opening up their relationship from a HBB: what to do and what not to do. Full blog post here.

  • Instead of considering only protective measures, consider what you have to offer and how you can welcome a third and make him/her feel as loved as you are
  • Try this exercise: how would you feel if you were welcoming a child into your relationship? Approach a new lover with that same sense of joy, sharing and hope.
  • A few don’t’s: don’t allow veto power, ignore metamour communication, say there is no hierarchy if there is. Don’t have the point of the vee moderate communication.

27:15 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!


PW 320: I hate my metamour!

Listener M writes in with a dilemma: what do you do when you love your girlfriend but hate your metamour?

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

  • Welcome to our cohost, LustyGuy. Can you tell which Scotch he is sipping?

1:50 Topic: I hate my metamour!

M writes in to say that he finds his girlfriend’s new partner so repulsive that he hates the guy, which is not helped by the fact that the girlfriend revealed that the partner is trapped in a sexless marriage and believes that M and girlfriend are moving too quickly.

  • A drama queen? Much of the negative information on the partner (“Scary Clown”) came to M secondhand from the girlfriend. Always question why your girlfriend chooses to reveal unflattering information about a metamour secondhand. Is there a need for drama on her part? Relationship management skills are needed here.
  • Open lines of communication there is no line of communication open between Scary Clown and M. Of course he feels uncomfortable.
  • Responsibilities of the point The person at the point of the vee (here, the girlfriend) has additional responsibilities in terms of nurturing healthy relationships and conveying only the most relevant and supportive information to partners. However, this person should NEVER agree to act as mediator between the other two parties.
  • Setting boundaries the people at the edges of the vee need to set boundaries and be careful to express what they need rather than a simple “I don’t like so-and-so.” For that matter, the person at the point of the vee also needs to set boundaries such as “No saying that M and I aren’t good as a couple. That’s not supportive, and I won’t tolerate it.”

19:45 Feedback

Wayne writes in about an NPR piece on breasts. Audio and transcripts are here.

24:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 317: Rules redux

Franklin Veaux and Minx discuss listener feedback, advice and anecdotes around creating rules and boundaries to apply to polyamorous relatiomships

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

CatalystCon is September 14-16 in Long Beach. Respond to the call for speakers.

2:40 Topic: Rules Redux

Franklin Veaux and Minx respond to listener feedback about the rules episode.

  • Sean wrote in with the rules his partner imposed on him after an incident
  • J wrote in to clarify the difference between rules that promote discussion versus rules that are designed to bind behavior
  • Isaac asked about D/s rules
  • Jonathan asked for rules when he began dating and got these: “We will trust you if you are trustworthy. We will believe you if you are honest. We will listen if you speak openly. We will communicate if you listen. You’ll have to write any other rules you need yourself because when all is said and done you are the only one that is going to limit your actions. Oh by the way we’ll have a surprise ready here; bring your date home if you want.”
  • Vir shared a quote on boundaries

36:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

How not to be a douche on FetLife

It is always my divine pleasure to present on just about any topic at MomentumCon, one of my favorite sex-positive events. It’s always chock-full of luminaries and sexy thought leaders with forward-looking ideas and insights. Great stuff!

My talk this year was a little more down and dirty. Based on the research you guys helped me conduct, I created a deck of guidelines based on the biggest complaints users made regarding sex-positive community sites such as FetLife. Without further ado, here it is: How Not to Be a Douche on FetLife.

How not to be a douche on FetLife

View more presentations from Minx M

PW 303: Poly communication tips with Kathy Labriola

Kathy Labriola, nurse, therapist and author of Love in Abundance, offers poly communication tips

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

7:30 Interview: Kathy Labriola

Kathy Labriola, a poly counselor, nurse and hypnotherapist and author of Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships (also available at Greenery Press)

  • Essential communication skills include things like knowing what you need and communicating it directly (as soon as you know it). Why is this so hard?
  • What is metacommunication and why is it important?
  • What is at the heart of most poly communication breakdowns?
  • Why do we worry so much about jealousy and what is your advice on dealing with it?

36:25 Thanks

Thanks to H Opportunity, Brendan, Maui Kink for their donations and welcome CainO and Lisa to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 302: When metamours attack

How to deal with a stonewalling and uncommunicative metamour

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

2:45 Topic: When metamours attack

Joreth, Puck and Minx address a tough situation: J starts dating a guy who is in a relationship with an older man, a respected tantric guru. Upon meeting J, the guru declares that she and the guy cannot have sex. A bit later, J and the guy have sex. She asks the guy if the guru was OK with it and then assumes it’s OK to have sex with the guy. She attempts to contact the guru but doesn’t hear back.

A bit later, she and the guy mess around in the place the guy and the guru share. The guru comes home and bans all communication between her and the guy. She makes more attempts to get the three of them together, but the guru does not accept her invitation.

Where did communication fail and what can we do to prevent this happening in the future? We recommend:

  • Own the communication with both your partner and your metamour. NEVER rely on your partner to communicate with your metamour on your behalf. That’s your job.
  • Trust but verify.
  • Know your own boundaries and negotiate with all parties involved. You have a right to know what the boundaries are, why they are there and when/if they will change.

22:00 Feedback – Episode 299, Poly Professional Woman

  • Gary points out that the poly professional man can have challenges dating the busy professional poly woman!
  • Vir suggests taking a high-level view of the work load, distinguishing work-for-pay (including school and homework) and maintaining-the-home. He suggests tallying the hours spent on all aspects and rebalancing the load when the situation shifts. For example, look at:
    • Travel time to and from work/school
    • Working outside the home (job/classes)
    • Paid work at home (professional work/homework)
    • Non-paid work maintaining the home (cooking, cleaning, shopping)

28:00 Thanks

Thanks to Samuel for his donation this week!

Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 301: The metamour approach

How to approach someone for a threesome or one-on-one date

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

7:45 Topic: The metamour approach

  • Elizabeth asks how to approach the invite for a threesome with a good friend without ruining the friendship. Minx’s advice: treat it the same way you would approaching a mono friend you have romantic feelings for but don’t want to ruin the friendship. Flirt, state your desires, graciously accept a “no.”
  • Proff asks if he’s weird for wanting to meet his partner’s OK Cupid date on their first meeting. Minx’s take: How would you feel if you’d been flirting with a girl and, when you went to pick her up, her whole family came out to size you up? A bit off-putting for the poor guy! It’s best to trust your partner to date someone as ethically as she dated you. Keep in touch and meet him after a few dates.

17:05 Feedback – Episode 297, Poly for the holidays

  • P wrote in to tell how her kid surmised the relationship, asked about it, and they pleasantly confirmed
  • Lily from Boston requests more solid advice on dealing with kids for the holidays – who has good advice for her? (None of our cohosts have kids!)
  • Chauncey says thanks!

21:25 Thanks

Thanks to Scott, Kelly, Carlita, Scott and new Poly Weekly Playmate Paul!

Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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