PW 412: Relationship “rules” of order

funny_cats_lol_cats_earz_too_smallLustyGuy’s best practices for a long-term poly relationship

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

Please take the PW listener survey!

3:00 Poly in the News

Nick TV’s Degrassi introduces a polyamory plot line, sort of

5:15 Topic: Relationship “Rules” of Order from LustyGuy

Really “best practices” rather than “rules”

Getting Started

  • Assume goodwill among folks
  • Reasonable emotional intelligence is required—know how you feel, why you feel that way and be able to express both

What you need to do yourself

  • Know thyself
  • Be honest with yourself

Within the relationship

  • Give early notice to avoid surprises
  • Allow for “experience shock”
  • Never ask a question you can’t hear “no” to
  • If you reject a request, it’s your responsibility to make a counter-offer
  • Have regular relationship check-ins, “State of the Relationship” talks
  • Let your partners be the experts on themselves
  • What is important to your partner must also be at least a little important to you
  • If it hasn’t been agreed to, it isn’t (yet) so
  • Be partners, not parents
  • The negotiation process ultimately matters more than the outcome
  • A joint account requires consent of all contributors before spending
  • Pass the “conn” for kids/pets

27:30 Happy Poly Moment

  • Haddayr shares a super sweet happy poly moment with the 10-year-old!
  • Gabriel shares an HPM about communication about sexual preferences saving the day!

31:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 405: Testing the poly waters with a monogamist

What do you do when your first step into polyamory is with a married monogamist?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

waterlolcatIntroduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

2:35 Topic: Testing the poly waters with a monogamist

Our listener has a dear friend she met about the same time she met her husband. He is monogamously married as well. They have fallen in love. She and her husband have been talking about swinging/sexual polyamory but with falling in love as a strict taboo. How do she and her new beau come out to their current partners about their new relationship and polyamory?

  • Challenges:
    • you’re already a couple with your new beau and have been for quite a while now
    • you’re both in monogamous relationships
    • Neither of your partners is aware of your relationship, so huge trust issues will undoubtedly arise when you do come out (the “how long has this been going on” issue)
    • You have to introduce the idea of polyamory at the same time you’re introducing a real person that you already love, which puts your current partners in a very uncomfortable position; it’s hard not to take the coming out as an ultimatum
  • Prescription: time. You must give your current partners weeks, months and years to digest not only the idea of polyamory but also a relatively well-developed poly relationship—that’s a tall order. Your current partners need time to overreact, get hurt, call names, make rules, freak out, etc. over the next few months or years.

15:30 Feedback

OKCupid story

16:25 Happy Poly Moment

  • Krista shares a happy poly moment about good metamour relations in advance of her moving to town
  • Stacy used the idea of relationship land mines to cope with the challenging situation of experience shock and should be proud of her ability to identify her emotion of being excluded rather than jealousy

20:10 Thank you!

Thanks to Michele for her donation this week!

20:44 iTunes deletion update

21:10 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 377: What commitment means

LustyGuy and Cunning Minx handfastingWhy have a handfasting or any type of public commitment ceremony?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 HostChat

Welcome our sponsor, GetSTDTested. Use code polyweekly to save 10% at checkout!

4:00 Topic: What does commitment mean to you?

In light of our commitment ceremony last week, listener Vir wrote in to ask about why we decided to commit as well as

  • What did your vows cover?
  • What happens when someone breaks that promise?
  • Why makes your promise in front of witnesses different from what you were already doing?
  • What will the renewal process look like?
  • What did this ceremony give you that you didn’t already have?

Excellent questions, and ones that, frankly, even monogamous couples entering a traditional marriage should be able to answer as well!

18:00 Special segment: Minx and LustyGuy’s commitment ceremony

Our beach handfasting, officiated by L, with my friends M and J reading as well.

27:45 Happy Poly Moment

Rachel in NYC writes in to share a great first poly experience!

31:00 Thanks

Thanks for Hayley and Rachel for their generous donations this week!

32:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 375: Minx’s big announcement

 

Our handfasting ceremony journal and ribbons

Our handfasting ceremony journal and ribbons

Minx and LustyGuy share a personal announcement

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Host chat

Welcome our sponsor, GetSTDTested. Use code polyweekly to save 10% at checkout!

4:30 Topic: Minx’s big announcement

Minx, LustyGuy and L are headed to Costa Rica for their commitment ceremony, with L officiating. Minx and LustyGuy share stories of how it came about and some of the mononormative pitfalls they ran across.

22:45 Happy Poly Moment

Kev shares stories of poly meetup groups in Sweden for fikas as well as a poly pub crawl, something we should implement in Seattle! Swedish Poly Organization

26:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 350: To fight or not to fight… for poly marriage

Is legalization of poly marriage worth the battle?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • I will be hosting a poly panel and helping to emcee at Conflation in Saint Louis February 22-24
  • Also a Write Your Own User Manual session followed by a meet and greet at Shameless Grounds coffee shop on Sunday, February 24th at 7:00 PM. Come join us! Calendar info
  • Hidden Social: Where Sexual Variants Gather Online session at SXSWi on Sunday, March 10, 3:30 PM with Herb Coleman, Adjunct Professor of Psychology at UT Austin ( #hiddensoc )
  • Content Creation for the Online Activist on Sunday, March 17th at 10:30 AM in D.C. at CatalystCon ( #ccon )
  • Want to help send Minx to SXSWi and CatalystCon this year? We just need 10 $96 donations so I can eat! And we LOVE $69 and $96 donations!

6:00 Topic: should we fight for legalization of poly marriage?

Mistress Matisse’s article on the legalization of poly marriage debate: You May Now Kiss the Bride and the Other Bride and the Other Bride and the Other Groom: Why Poly Marriage Is Never Going to Happen

What are your thoughts on fighting to legalize poly marriage? Do you care? Would you fight for it for the next 20 years like the gays did?

17:50 Happy Poly Moment

Vicki shares a fun snogging-oriented happy poly moment

19:45 Feedback

  • CL wrote in to quote a study on how long it actually takes to create a habit. Turns out, it’s not the oft-quoted 21 days, but anywhere from 21 to 84 days, depending on the habit. Source: Author: Jeremy Dean; Title: Making Habits, Breaking Habits; Publisher: Da Capo Press; Date: Copyright 2013 by Jeremy Dean; Pages: 3-7
  • Space Hippie Geek wrote in to respond to episode 300 on couple privilege and took issue with three points:
    • conflating a triad and a vee (in a vee there is no romantic relationship between two of the partners)
    • pointing out (quite rightly) that, “don’t only want to feel as if I’m being added onto an established family. I also want to feel that my boyfriend is joining my family. Even if I don’t have another partners, and am not close to my birth family. Even just by myself, I am a family, a household. I have my own traditions, customs, and ways of doing things.”
    • While there are benefits to having everyone talk together, communicating as a group isn’t always necessary.
    • Mitch advocates for my voice not being used for the proliferation of toxic sludge

29:45  Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 333: This week in poly

What happen in the polysphere this week? Civil unions in Brazil, solo polys and Republicans on the female anatomy.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 News and host chat

  • I’ll be giving Content Creation for the Online Activist at CatalystCon September 14-16 in Long Beach

3:40 This week in poly

25:00 Happy Poly Moment

  • Ryan in Denver shares a cuddly HPM
  • Rob shares a nekked camping HPM in Missouri

29:00 Feedback

  • Joan MADE MY DAY with her heartfelt thanks for episode 330 on welcoming a third into your relationship

32:00 Thanks

Thanks to Eric, Joan and John for the donations this week!

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!


PW 323: Everything you need to know about the history of gay marriage in the church

Did you know that for hundreds of years, the Catholic church performed same sex unions and has never declared marriage to be between one man and one woman?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

Richard Wagner, Dr. Dick7:00 Topic: What you need to know about the church and gay mar

riage

Welcome to our special guest, Richard Wagner, otherwise known as Dr. Dick of Dr. Dick’s Sex Advice, a former priest and sexologist. Dr. Wagner debunks common misbeliefs about gay marriage, citing historical evidence that up until the 14th century, the church conducted same-sex unions, had an Office of Same Sex Unions and has never defined marriage as being between a man and a woman; in fact, it seemed to avoid using those terms.

Articles discussed: When Same Sex Marriage Was a Christian Rite, Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe by historian John Boswell

Dr. Wagner’s new book, the Amateur’s Guide to Death and Dying.

30:00 Thanks

Thanks to Shana, whom I had the pleasure of meeting at OpenSF, for the generous $200 donation!

32:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

zp8497586rq

PW 319: Marriage as a choice

Thoughts on marriage as a conscious relationship and lifestyle choice rather than the default or the result of peer pressure

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:20 News and host chat

3:10 Topic: Marriage as a conscious choice

A recent Huffington Post personal essay questioning marriage as peer pressure in the 20-30 age range as well as:

  • The possibility that even with a lot of love and communication, it might not be enough and the marriage might need to end
  • The groupthink that marriage is hard but always worth it
  • The lack of alternative relationship choices
  • Marriage as the default rather than a custom option

20:20 Feedback on episode 316 Queer as a verb

  • Alyssa writes in to say “Sometimes the radical, panties-in-a-bunch, queers need to chill the fuck out, and what better way to chill out than to realize that something you revolve your life around isn’t a big deal to EVERYONE!”
  • Vir writes in to say that I’ve queered my relationship and my sex life (through kink/fetishes)

24:10 Thanks

Thanks to Meg for the donation this week!

Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 318: The New Monogamy

Dr. Tammy Nelson shares how the world of online dating, social media and texting has changed marriage and monogamy

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

2:00 The New Monogamy with Dr. Tammy Nelson

Dr. Tammy Nelson, therapist and author of a soon-to-be-released book on The New Monogamy, answers questions on the new state of monogamy:

  • Has marriage gone out of fashion?
  • How has online dating affected marriage?
  • Do those who identify as monogamous need to expect infidelity?
  • Are Facebook and texting to blame for affairs?
  • Are affairs actually good for a marriage?
  • What is the new monogamy?

31:40 Feedback

Jess writes in to thank PW for helping her poly family through the introduction of HPV and the tools to help the group be level-headed and talk openly and honestly.

Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 308: Poly in the Month of Love

Being poly in America February 2012–how did the world treat nonmonogamy this Valentine’s Day?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 News and host chat

  • Thanks for your patience with the audio—think we’ve fixed it

4:20 Topic: Being poly in February 2012 for Valentine’s Day

Poly in the media and how love and relationships are being viewed for this year’s Valentine’s Day.

22:10 Feedback

  • Musqurat calls in to correct my assertion that the word “polyamory” was coined by Morning Glory Zell. In fact, she used the word “polyamorous;” the word “polyamory” was first used by Jennifer Wesp in the Usenet group in 1992.
  • Fred writes in to share that he found his identity as a monoamorist who likes occasional play with others.

25:10 Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?
Poly Weekly blog award

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter