PW 412: Relationship “rules” of order

funny_cats_lol_cats_earz_too_smallLustyGuy’s best practices for a long-term poly relationship

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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

Please take the PW listener survey!

3:00 Poly in the News

Nick TV’s Degrassi introduces a polyamory plot line, sort of

5:15 Topic: Relationship “Rules” of Order from LustyGuy

Really “best practices” rather than “rules”

Getting Started

  • Assume goodwill among folks
  • Reasonable emotional intelligence is required—know how you feel, why you feel that way and be able to express both

What you need to do yourself

  • Know thyself
  • Be honest with yourself

Within the relationship

  • Give early notice to avoid surprises
  • Allow for “experience shock”
  • Never ask a question you can’t hear “no” to
  • If you reject a request, it’s your responsibility to make a counter-offer
  • Have regular relationship check-ins, “State of the Relationship” talks
  • Let your partners be the experts on themselves
  • What is important to your partner must also be at least a little important to you
  • If it hasn’t been agreed to, it isn’t (yet) so
  • Be partners, not parents
  • The negotiation process ultimately matters more than the outcome
  • A joint account requires consent of all contributors before spending
  • Pass the “conn” for kids/pets

27:30 Happy Poly Moment

  • Haddayr shares a super sweet happy poly moment with the 10-year-old!
  • Gabriel shares an HPM about communication about sexual preferences saving the day!

31:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 410: The world according to Gottman

A biased review of psychologist John Gottman’s research on relationships

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Dr. John Gottman with his wife Julie

Dr. John Gottman with his wife Julie

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

9:40 Topic: The world according to John Gottman

John Gottman is a professor of psychology famous for his work on evaluating marital stability through direct observational data points.

  • Famous for being able to predict whether a couple will stay together (which he refutes, but he can compare data and give odds of success). For example, if more than 20% of your interactions with your partner are negative, it’s likely that something needs to be addressed in order to increase relationship longevity
  • Microexpressions Also famously researched microexpressions
  • Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
  • Accessible research Great marketer and beneficial for taking his research and making the data accessible to the public
  • Challenge: his data isn’t replicable outside his experiments
  • Making bids for connection Recent Business Week article on couples making and accepting bids for connection being a top trait of successful relationships
  • Anger research Master versus disaster model, in which masters use anger to demo emotional importance rather than using it to express contempt. He posits that even healthy couples fight and get angry and that anger is functional in marriage.
  • But be aware that Gottman’s work focuses on monogamy and heterosexual couples only and is not a proponent of polyamory.

30:00 Happy Poly Moment

Clare from London writes in to share her discovery of polyamory, her self-identify as poly and her hopes of applying it to her new relationship.

35:10 Thanks

Thanks to Taylor and Igor for their donations and welcome Doug as the newest Poly Weekly Playmate!

36:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 406: Negotiating from a “no”

lolcatnoHow to respond when you own your shit, ask for what you want and your partner says “no”

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1:00 Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

Still deleted from iTunes. You can still find us through www.polyweekly.com, the Poly Weekly app or just copy the RSS and paste it into any podcatcher that isn’t iTunes

2:30 Topic: Negotiating from a “no”

When listener S identified awkwardness with her partner when she came home from a date, she did everything right: did some self-analysis, named her insecurity and requested a physical reconnection with her partner after a date. An excellent case of owning her own shit and asking for what she wanted!

And the partner said “no.” Where do you go from here?

Keep in mind that just because you ask for what you want doesn’t mean you’re going to get it! This is the beginning of a discussion:

  • Ask your partner for a counter offer. If not a planned physical reconnection, then what might he be able to do?
  • If necessary, evaluate and counter his counter-offer. Show that you are making efforts to accommodate his feelings, as you are asking him to accommodate yours.
  • Ask your partner about his feelings. Encourage him to explore and do any necessary shit-owning.

13:10 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 401: Fuzzy landmines

The fuzzy landmines and invisible fences that new partners run across

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funny-pictures-cats-jumping-fenceIntroduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

4:15 Topic: Fuzzy landmines and invisible fences

This topic is based on a blog post on the Solo Poly blog by Aggie Sez: Invisible fences and fuzzy landmines. Something that the solo polyamorist or the poly person entering a poly relationship has to deal with, the ramifications of which couples often are unaware: fuzzy landmines and invisible fences. A few highlights:

  • There is no alternative to being self-aware and owning your own shit. No emotional outsourcing.
  • Invisible fences: unstated boundaries or rules in relationships that a new partner only discovers when tripping over them.
  • Fuzzy landmines: rules and boundaries that are only stated in deliberately vague terms that serve as an excuse to end the relationship when someone in the original couple freaks out.

And one more question: how can you tell the difference between a couple making a genuine effort to be open and own their own shit and a couple that is not devoted to working on their own issues and relationship mechanics?

  • Does everyone involved self-identify as poly? How secure is each person in that identity?
  • Do the people in the couple talk to each other honestly?
    • Do they own their own shit?
    • Does their behavior match the walk they talk about each other?
  • Are their dialogue and behavior towards you aligned? Do they do what they say they will do?
  • How willing is the couple to hear your concerns as valid (rather than as a threat or unreasonable request)?

20:15 Feedback

23:30 Happy Poly Moment

S wrote in with a HPM of the week!

8 things cover fingers27:15 8 Things ebook

The Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory ebook is available here! And print copies here!

28:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 397: Relationship land mines

land mine lolcat1LustyGuy and Minx pre-ponder common relationship land mines

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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

3:20 Topic: How to prethink relationship land mines

Relationship land mines sound effect by harpoyume via Freesound

Minx and LustyGuy came up with a series of questions to think about to give some pre-thought to what kind of best person you want to be in a relationship. Even if you have rules against some of these behaviors, know that many or most of them will happen, anyway. And what will you do when that happens? (Please don’t make another rule against it or clamp down harder on the rule!)

So with the understanding that experience shock happens and you react in an unanticipated way, give some thought about some of these classic relationship land mines.

  • How will you respond when your partner falls in love with another woman? What about another man?
  • How will you respond when your partner is enjoying NRE with a new partner?
  • How will you respond when your partner dates someone who seems smarter or prettier than you? Richer? Better job?
  • How will you feel when you fall in love with someone other than your partner?
  • How will you see your existing relationship when you have a shiny new one?
  • How will you respond to seeing your partner hold hands or snuggle with someone new?
  • How will you respond to a request for privacy?
  • How will you respond if the new person wants to move in? What if your partner wants him to move in?
  • How will you respond if your new partner turns out to be more into your husband/wife than you? Will you be able to support them?
  • How will you respond when your fears are triggered?
  • How will you respond when you feel insecure?
  • How will you maintain intimacy and excitement with your current partner?
  • How will you keep up communication with your partner(s) to address issues early?
  • How will you support your partner’s new romances? How will you support their loss/ with your partner being hurt?
  • How will you support your partner’s choices, even if they don’t match yours?
  • How will you respond when you aren’t getting what you want?
  • How will you respond when your new lover isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you respond when your partner isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you respond when your metamour isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you support your metamour?
  • How will you maintain communication with your metamour?
  • How will you respond when there are issues with your metamour?

19:15 Happy Poly Moment

Erika writes in with a great story about being herself on OKC and getting great results!

22:15 Thank you

Thank you to ChasingJoy for being our newest PW Playmate!

22:50 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 392: Everything you wanted to know about poly

lolcat questionYour questions about poly relationships, answered at Debauchery live panel!

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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

8:30 Panel: Everything you ever wanted to know about poly

Live from Debauchery, listeners try to stump Minx and LustyGuy with tough poly questions!

  • 15:00 Long distance relationships Advice for someone whose partner is moving overseas and transitioning to a long distance relationship?
  • 24:45 Dealing with envy We’ve been married for 30 years and just had a conversation about additional sexual and romantic things they’d like to experience. Him additional romances, her more kink. How do I deal with feeling envious of his new romances when I want to be happy for him?
  • 39:15 Recovering from abuse After dealing with an abusive breakup, how do I work through that with my current partner if he/she still wants to see the abuser?
  • 48:30 Poly as an older single guy How and when do I come out as poly, since so many women are uncomfortable with it?
  • 1:00:45 Dealing with metamour’s D/s How do you handle a partner who has other partners with whom he/she in a D/s relationship?

Thank you!

Thanks to generous donors Annalisa, Alan, Benjamin, Doug and James!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

8 Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory, Debauchery

I’m here at Debauchery for the first time and having a great time! Thanks to everyone who came out to this session today.

And this was also my second time presenting a shiny, brand-new class: Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory (Before I Tried It and Fucked It Up). The full presentation is below, and the ebook version, complete with a template for writing your own user manual, is now available on Amazon!

And if you’re interested in having me present at your event, contact Minx at Poly Weekly

8 Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory

I’m here at Winter Wickedness for the first time and having a great time! Thanks to everyone who came out to this session today.

And this was also my first time presenting a shiny, brand-new class: Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory (Before I Tried It and Fucked It Up). The full presentation is below:

And if you’re interested in having me present at your event, contact Minx at Poly Weekly

PW 382: Poly for realz

pick me lolcatHow do you deal with the reality of bringing up poly with a partner and with choosing partners that are poly-friendly?

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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

  • Minx will be teaching two sessions at Winter Wickedness February 7-8 in Columbus, Ohio! Classes will include Kicking Poly Drama on Its Ass and Eight Things I Wish I’d Known about Poly (Before I Tried and Fucked It Up). Both are new classes and hopefully will fit into the kink venue!
  • The wacky poly-friendly Butterfinger Superbowl commercial got quite a negative reaction, but Dan Savage praised it as monogamish
  • The movie Her is about a guy who falls in love with his AI and has some poly messaging, including “I’m yours, and I’m not yours”

7:30 Topic: Poly for realz and partner selection

B wrote in to ask about how to deal with actively dating and possibly attracting partners who might not identify as poly. A great episode is always Getting Over the Poly Hump, even though B has been open for quite a few years. Focus on more communication, not less and yes, 99% of successful poly is partner selection.

Also, P from NY state asks about how to bring polyamory up to a partner he’s been seeing for a while. Minx recommends the poly hump podcast and also considering poly an ongoing conversation rather than a one-time, all-or-nothing deal.

22:50 Feedback

  • Episode 379 Owning your own shit got a lot of feedback!
  • Vaughn comments that saying something out loud often mitigates the issue
  • Heather asks where to draw the line on disclosing one’s emotions

27:50 Happy Poly Moment

  • Hayley wrote in with a very cute car analogy to deal with a partner’s possessiveness
  • S in Australia shared a moment of poly joy as his partners found a shared interest in architecture and design

31:45 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 379: Owning your own shit

ShitHappensWhat does it mean to “own your own emotional shit”?

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1:00 HostChat

Minx and LustyGuy talk briefly about the holidays with their new blended family

2:30 Topic: Owning your own shit

Guillaume wrote in to ask what “owning your own shit/emotions/baggage” means exactly and for specific examples.

  • Owning your emotions involves taking personal responsibility for understanding, diagnosing and stating your emotions
  • It also requires recognizing that your emotions are primarily created within you rather than caused by someone else (except in cases of abuse)
  • Owning your own emotions is empowering and usually very much appreciated by your partners. Once you can name an emotion, you can do something about it.
  • However you feel is OK, including negative emotions such as pettiness, jealousy, envy, resentment and anger. Avoid “shoulds” and just accept how you feel.
  • Also, it’s important to let others own their own emotions. The proper response to a friend or partner owning an emotional response is, “Good for you for knowing that” and or “thank you.” Don’t argue, agree or pile on. At most, disagree by saying, “You are the expert on you. However, I haven’t seen in you that negative emotion you just described.”

17:15 Happy Poly Moment

We are blessed with two happy poly moments this week!

  1. K wrote in to share her gratitude that, when her partner and that partner’s kids ended up moving into her and her husband’s home, that everyone was supportive, happy and shared very nicely.
  2. Leelee shared a story of one metamour offering to go out of his way so she could see another lover. Very sweet!

21:00 Feedback

Steve offered feedback on episode 376 and gave us lots of food for thought!

  • How to address listener questions Minx’s philosophy on being a podcast host and her goals of helping listeners while providing useful content to others
  • Avoiding judgment LustyGuy chimes in and vehemently disagrees with Steve’s assessment, saying that we have no right to judge if someone else is “really” poly. Also he posits we should avoid making assumptions and judgments about the health of other people’s relationships, especially based on minimal information.
  • 31:45 When to speak up Minx and LustyGuy address when you SHOULD say something about a good friend’s relationship—if you are a very good friend and really fear a friend is on an unhealthy path, you should absolutely express your concerns. ONCE. And then (barring extreme situations such as abuse), stand by them no matter where the path leads them.

34:45 Thanks!

Thanks to Steve, our newest Poly Weekly Playmate!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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