Giving poly a go: Top tips for poly newbies

Rose Crompton of Vibrations Direct asked about poly, podcasting and my favorite sex toys. It was a fun interview and ended with my best advice for those approaching nonmonogamy for the first time.

Read the full interview here

Giving poly a go? My top tips for poly newbies:

Be prepared to meet parts of yourself you didn’t know about. You will find insecurities you didn’t know were there, and you’ll experience joy in ways you never knew you could.

Be patient with yourself and your partner(s). Remember your first attempts at monogamy weren’t perfect, either.

Worry less about rules and more about what you have to offer. As with monogamous dating, people with lots of rules and criteria rarely find what they seek, and those who are open-minded and easygoing find unexpected pleasures.

Own your shit – by this I mean baggage. If you’re not strong enough to say, “I was wrong,” “I need to bring something up” or “my last STI test came up positive,” you aren’t ready for poly. Being confident enough to own your own baggage and brave enough to start tough conversations is essential.

Start from a healthy place. Get your existing relationships healthy first. The ‘relationship broken; add more people’ model almost never works. You will have to trust your partner to tell you when you’re love-goggling, when he’s feeling jealous and when you aren’t pulling your weight.

Get a support network. Seek out local communities of real people who have real-life experience with polyamory and its ups and downs; having trusted contacts who’ve been there and can provide advice and a sympathetic ear is invaluable.

Read the full interview here.

PW 308: Poly in the Month of Love

Being poly in America February 2012–how did the world treat nonmonogamy this Valentine’s Day?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 News and host chat

  • Thanks for your patience with the audio—think we’ve fixed it

4:20 Topic: Being poly in February 2012 for Valentine’s Day

Poly in the media and how love and relationships are being viewed for this year’s Valentine’s Day.

22:10 Feedback

  • Musqurat calls in to correct my assertion that the word “polyamory” was coined by Morning Glory Zell. In fact, she used the word “polyamorous;” the word “polyamory” was first used by Jennifer Wesp in the Usenet group in 1992.
  • Fred writes in to share that he found his identity as a monoamorist who likes occasional play with others.

25:10 Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 304: The intimacy-autonomy scale

What you need to know about the intimacy-autonomy scale and how it might be affecting your current relationship

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

3:55 Interview: Kathy Labriola describes the intimacy-autonomy scale

Kathy Labriola, a poly counselor, nurse and hypnotherapist and author of Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships, shares her insights based on the intimacy-autonomy scale and how mismatches can cause misunderstandings in relationships. Need more autonomy and independence but matched with a partner with a higher need for attention and intimacy? Good advice all around. Find the book at Greenery Press or at the Stockroom (better than Amazon for authors!)

17:30 Happy Poly Moments

  • A listener writes in to share a Happy Poly Moment—discovering an old friend is actively poly: “It was so NICE to find someone “real”, someone I have known for years, to whom I had a relation out of the web or a meetup thing, who at least new what polyamory was… for the first time in years, we could talk with other people, face to face, about our opinions and experiences. Priceless.”
  • MG tells of running home to his lovely fiancée to tell her his girlfriend just said she loved him: “When I think back three years ago to the beginning of our poly adventure I couldn’t have imagined this. It makes all of the work that my fiancée and I put into working on or communication and jealousy issues (mostly me) worth it.”

20:45 Feedback

  • Scott, a listener in Australia, found us through Google+! And gives props to the HSV blues episode: “After contracting HSV from my first serious primary partner, I struggled a bit personally with it, and with what that meant about me and my lifestyle choice, and felt my ex’s condemning voice in the back of my mind. So it was refreshing to hear it put into an appropriate perspective.”
  • Gryphon writes in that Poly Weekly has taught him to be unafraid of asking for help and support and suggests the antithesis to NRE—Break Up Brain?

28:15 Thanks

Welcome Robin, Ryan and Nomputers to the Poly Weekly Playmates! And thanks to Jim and Bill for their donations to keep us running!

29:00 Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 303: Poly communication tips with Kathy Labriola

Kathy Labriola, nurse, therapist and author of Love in Abundance, offers poly communication tips

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

7:30 Interview: Kathy Labriola

Kathy Labriola, a poly counselor, nurse and hypnotherapist and author of Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships (also available at Greenery Press)

  • Essential communication skills include things like knowing what you need and communicating it directly (as soon as you know it). Why is this so hard?
  • What is metacommunication and why is it important?
  • What is at the heart of most poly communication breakdowns?
  • Why do we worry so much about jealousy and what is your advice on dealing with it?

36:25 Thanks

Thanks to H Opportunity, Brendan, Maui Kink for their donations and welcome CainO and Lisa to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 302: When metamours attack

How to deal with a stonewalling and uncommunicative metamour

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

2:45 Topic: When metamours attack

Joreth, Puck and Minx address a tough situation: J starts dating a guy who is in a relationship with an older man, a respected tantric guru. Upon meeting J, the guru declares that she and the guy cannot have sex. A bit later, J and the guy have sex. She asks the guy if the guru was OK with it and then assumes it’s OK to have sex with the guy. She attempts to contact the guru but doesn’t hear back.

A bit later, she and the guy mess around in the place the guy and the guru share. The guru comes home and bans all communication between her and the guy. She makes more attempts to get the three of them together, but the guru does not accept her invitation.

Where did communication fail and what can we do to prevent this happening in the future? We recommend:

  • Own the communication with both your partner and your metamour. NEVER rely on your partner to communicate with your metamour on your behalf. That’s your job.
  • Trust but verify.
  • Know your own boundaries and negotiate with all parties involved. You have a right to know what the boundaries are, why they are there and when/if they will change.

22:00 Feedback – Episode 299, Poly Professional Woman

  • Gary points out that the poly professional man can have challenges dating the busy professional poly woman!
  • Vir suggests taking a high-level view of the work load, distinguishing work-for-pay (including school and homework) and maintaining-the-home. He suggests tallying the hours spent on all aspects and rebalancing the load when the situation shifts. For example, look at:
    • Travel time to and from work/school
    • Working outside the home (job/classes)
    • Paid work at home (professional work/homework)
    • Non-paid work maintaining the home (cooking, cleaning, shopping)

28:00 Thanks

Thanks to Samuel for his donation this week!

Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 301: The metamour approach

How to approach someone for a threesome or one-on-one date

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

7:45 Topic: The metamour approach

  • Elizabeth asks how to approach the invite for a threesome with a good friend without ruining the friendship. Minx’s advice: treat it the same way you would approaching a mono friend you have romantic feelings for but don’t want to ruin the friendship. Flirt, state your desires, graciously accept a “no.”
  • Proff asks if he’s weird for wanting to meet his partner’s OK Cupid date on their first meeting. Minx’s take: How would you feel if you’d been flirting with a girl and, when you went to pick her up, her whole family came out to size you up? A bit off-putting for the poor guy! It’s best to trust your partner to date someone as ethically as she dated you. Keep in touch and meet him after a few dates.

17:05 Feedback – Episode 297, Poly for the holidays

  • P wrote in to tell how her kid surmised the relationship, asked about it, and they pleasantly confirmed
  • Lily from Boston requests more solid advice on dealing with kids for the holidays – who has good advice for her? (None of our cohosts have kids!)
  • Chauncey says thanks!

21:25 Thanks

Thanks to Scott, Kelly, Carlita, Scott and new Poly Weekly Playmate Paul!

Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 300: Celebrating YOU the listeners

Listeners call in to share why they are poly, what they have learned and tell a poly joke and limerick or two

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

  • Reminiscing over how Poly Weekly got started in 2005; Amy Gahran was our first commenter
  • What I have learned: no one is ever alone
  • Shared pain is lessened and shared joy increased
  • Poly isn’t that weird

6:15 Topic: It’s all about you!

  • Happy poly moment
  • Alan from Poly in the Media
  • Amy Shiner, blogger for the Huffington Post: “If I weren’t poly, I would be asexual…”
  • Billy from Chicago answers “how many poly does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

10:10 Topic: What are you thankful for?

  • Erica of St. Paul – to have found the woman within
  • Reid of Reidaboutsex.com – his partner Allison and cheap dental work in Mexico
  • Sarah – friends on her side

12:00 More contributions!

  • Emma with a happy poly story
  • Grace in VA with excellent advice: “If I want something, I need to work my ass off on me first”
  • Rob from Oz telling how poly saved his career
  • Dan Sawyer
  • Chris Bingham with a poly limerick
  • Vicky from London with words of advice
  • Paul with what he learned about poly in 2011—it works if everyone is adult and communicates

23:55 Thanks

Thanks to H for his generous, $300 donation!

24:55 Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 298: The care and feeding of drama

The care and feeding of your poly drama–and how to avoid it!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

We’re closing in on episode 300. And it’s all YOURS! Call in your poem, limerick, story, joke, Happy Poly Moment, book review, rant; whatever! Call in to 206-202-POLY or attach an mp3 to email to polyweekly@gmail.com. Without YOU, there will be no show!

4:45 Topic: The care and feeding of drama

Drama doesn’t just happen; it needs insecurity, neurosis, lack of communication and passive-aggressiveness to survive. So how do you avoid drama? Cohost LustyGuy and Minx go over the basics:

  • Definition of drama: Adding amplitude to emotional reactions vs specific behaviors
  • Ways to avoid drama
    • After initial immediate reaction, decide how you are going to behave
    • Own your own shit (and communicate it!)
    • Communicate in little bits, often, before the situation builds to a confrontation
    • Talk about behaviors, not your judgments of them
    • Talk about your own actions and feelings, not the other person’s
    • Talk about the topic at hand, and only one at a time
  • Examples from Lusty and Minx
    • Early miscommunication + disconnect re: staying over
    • Elle taking finances back from LustyGuy

34:00 Thanks

Thanks to Paul, Marcie and Paul for their donations! And welcome Emma, Vir and Amy to the Poly Weekly Playmate subscription!

35:00 Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 297: Poly for the holidays

Advice on the ins and outs of being poly around friends and relatives during the holidays

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:30 Topic: Poly for the holidays

Sometimes it’s tough to be poly over the holidays. Which relatives are you out to? Can you introduce your lover to your auntie May? How do you schedule family time? Listeners wrote in via Facebook and Twitter to ask the toughest holiday-related poly issues, and cohosts Joreth and Puck help Minx to sort them out:

  • How to introduce non-spouses
  • How to prevent your poly-aware daughter from letting closeted poly relationships slip in front of the “in-laws”
  • Is being closeted OK to certain relatives?
  • How do you handle feeling secondary and isolated?
  • How do you manage economic disparities?
  • How do you deal with missing some and disappointing others?

37:30 Book reviews

Kurt shares book reviews of popular romance stories with contemporary, realistic settings: Jet Lag Blues and Kindle ebook Songbird.

43:00 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 296: Open relationship or poly?

What is the difference between an open relationship and a polyamorous one?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

  • We have new monthly subscriber donation options! Coffee buddies at $1.99/month, Friend with benefits at $4.99/month and Anchor at $9.99/month. Just choose a PW Playmate option to the right of this entry and hit the big yellow Subscribe button. >>>>>>>
  • Marvin is our first Anchor subscriber. W00t!
  • We’ve created a Poly Weekly Google+ page. Add us to your Circles for poly, geek and kinky updates.
  • Thanks to GaggleAmp promoters for reTweeting us last week!
  • Enough promotion! Geeks, beware: Cheezburger has launched a geek version of the site, Set Phasers to LOL (think LOLcats but with Star Trek) and more!

8:00 Topic: What is the difference between an open relationship and polyamory?

Thanks to listener Donner (?) for calling this one in. Both open relationships and polyamory are ways of practicing non-mongamy. The main difference is that an “open relationship” tends to assume a couple at the base, whereas “polyamorous” can describe both a lifestyle and a personal philosophy or orientation. I.e., I’m single and poly, but I couldn’t be single and in an open relationship. Additionally, polyamory tends to have “multiple long-term, committed relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved,” while open relationships are more loosely defined.

Also, while we’re at it, let’s define polygamy, polygyny, polyandry and polyfidelity! Franklin Veaux has a well-researched glossary of terms if you are ever in doubt.

17:00 Happy Poly Moment

Mark shares a happy poly moment at the birth of his child.

18:15 Feedback

  • Scott comments on changing the negative victim-minded behavior patterns mentioned in episode 293 and suggests theater and other subcultures for the football-loving poly guy
  • Kevin says thanks and asks about a Poly Weekly meetup at Burning Man in 2012 (yes if we can!)
  • Josh shares a lovely story of patience and communication and how it lead to a wonderful exploration of spanking and polyamory

25:45 Thanks

Thanks to Marvin and Sarah, our first PW Anchor monthly subscribers! We hope we can do you proud! And to Eric for his donation.

26:30 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter