PW 298: The care and feeding of drama

The care and feeding of your poly drama–and how to avoid it!

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

We’re closing in on episode 300. And it’s all YOURS! Call in your poem, limerick, story, joke, Happy Poly Moment, book review, rant; whatever! Call in to 206-202-POLY or attach an mp3 to email to polyweekly@gmail.com. Without YOU, there will be no show!

4:45 Topic: The care and feeding of drama

Drama doesn’t just happen; it needs insecurity, neurosis, lack of communication and passive-aggressiveness to survive. So how do you avoid drama? Cohost LustyGuy and Minx go over the basics:

  • Definition of drama: Adding amplitude to emotional reactions vs specific behaviors
  • Ways to avoid drama
    • After initial immediate reaction, decide how you are going to behave
    • Own your own shit (and communicate it!)
    • Communicate in little bits, often, before the situation builds to a confrontation
    • Talk about behaviors, not your judgments of them
    • Talk about your own actions and feelings, not the other person’s
    • Talk about the topic at hand, and only one at a time
  • Examples from Lusty and Minx
    • Early miscommunication + disconnect re: staying over
    • Elle taking finances back from LustyGuy

34:00 Thanks

Thanks to Paul, Marcie and Paul for their donations! And welcome Emma, Vir and Amy to the Poly Weekly Playmate subscription!

35:00 Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 297: Poly for the holidays

Advice on the ins and outs of being poly around friends and relatives during the holidays

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:30 Topic: Poly for the holidays

Sometimes it’s tough to be poly over the holidays. Which relatives are you out to? Can you introduce your lover to your auntie May? How do you schedule family time? Listeners wrote in via Facebook and Twitter to ask the toughest holiday-related poly issues, and cohosts Joreth and Puck help Minx to sort them out:

  • How to introduce non-spouses
  • How to prevent your poly-aware daughter from letting closeted poly relationships slip in front of the “in-laws”
  • Is being closeted OK to certain relatives?
  • How do you handle feeling secondary and isolated?
  • How do you manage economic disparities?
  • How do you deal with missing some and disappointing others?

37:30 Book reviews

Kurt shares book reviews of popular romance stories with contemporary, realistic settings: Jet Lag Blues and Kindle ebook Songbird.

43:00 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 296: Open relationship or poly?

What is the difference between an open relationship and a polyamorous one?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

  • We have new monthly subscriber donation options! Coffee buddies at $1.99/month, Friend with benefits at $4.99/month and Anchor at $9.99/month. Just choose a PW Playmate option to the right of this entry and hit the big yellow Subscribe button. >>>>>>>
  • Marvin is our first Anchor subscriber. W00t!
  • We’ve created a Poly Weekly Google+ page. Add us to your Circles for poly, geek and kinky updates.
  • Thanks to GaggleAmp promoters for reTweeting us last week!
  • Enough promotion! Geeks, beware: Cheezburger has launched a geek version of the site, Set Phasers to LOL (think LOLcats but with Star Trek) and more!

8:00 Topic: What is the difference between an open relationship and polyamory?

Thanks to listener Donner (?) for calling this one in. Both open relationships and polyamory are ways of practicing non-mongamy. The main difference is that an “open relationship” tends to assume a couple at the base, whereas “polyamorous” can describe both a lifestyle and a personal philosophy or orientation. I.e., I’m single and poly, but I couldn’t be single and in an open relationship. Additionally, polyamory tends to have “multiple long-term, committed relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved,” while open relationships are more loosely defined.

Also, while we’re at it, let’s define polygamy, polygyny, polyandry and polyfidelity! Franklin Veaux has a well-researched glossary of terms if you are ever in doubt.

17:00 Happy Poly Moment

Mark shares a happy poly moment at the birth of his child.

18:15 Feedback

  • Scott comments on changing the negative victim-minded behavior patterns mentioned in episode 293 and suggests theater and other subcultures for the football-loving poly guy
  • Kevin says thanks and asks about a Poly Weekly meetup at Burning Man in 2012 (yes if we can!)
  • Josh shares a lovely story of patience and communication and how it lead to a wonderful exploration of spanking and polyamory

25:45 Thanks

Thanks to Marvin and Sarah, our first PW Anchor monthly subscribers! We hope we can do you proud! And to Eric for his donation.

26:30 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 293: It’s not them; it IS you

Dealing with difficult people–it’s not them; is IS you!

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

  • Facebook’s relationship status woes. You can list yourself as being “in an open relationship,” but you can still list only one significant other. To be added as a partner to someone already listed as married, you have to go under Family and choose the last option, Partner, and it will appear at the very bottom of the relationships list in the left sidebar.
  • More thoughts for the vanilla, football-loving crowd after the weekend’s bacon party.

6:30 Topic: It’s not them; it IS you

Thoughts on an article in the Harvard Business Review on the secret to dealing with difficult people and what you can do about it. Understand that it’s not them; it IS you—and you can change the lens through which you see the situation.

  • The lens of realistic optimism (trying to be objective)
  • The reverse lens (putting yourself in the other person’s shoes)
  • The long lens (the “this will build character” argument)

23:10 Feedback

Peter wrote in saying PW helped change his life. We LOVE hearing this!

25:30 Notice—Volunteers to help promote the show with GaggleAmp

I’m trying out GaggleAmp to see if any fans would be willing to receive weekly notices from PW to help promote the show. Look for invites on Facebook and Twitter and, if you so choose, repost the messages about the show on Twitter or Facebook when they arrive. Thanks if you participate and no worries if you don’t!

27:30 Thanks

Shoutout to super-generous listener CodeJockey and hero donor Peter for their contributions this week!

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 285: Advice for poly newbies

What does a poly newbie need to know?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:00 Announcements

The forums will be shut down for a few weeks while we figure out a better way to give our moderators a rest from dealing with daily spam. Like the forums? Let us know! Don’t care? Um… still let us know!

4:30 Topic: Advice for Poly Newbies

Minx and Anita Wagner give advice for those new to polyamory. Recorded at Polycamp Northwest, a fantastic event near Seattle with 20% poly content and the rest is community-driven.

  • Meet poly people in the community and ask for advice
  • Read The Ethical Slut and Opening Up
  • Create a safe space to discuss and process reactions and emotions
  • Have a strong desire for self-knowledge
  • Avoid the “kid in the candy store” mentality when you first try poly
  • No major life decisions during NRE
  • More focus on communication, less on hard and fast rules

31:30 Comments on inviting Minx or Anita to speak

34:45 Feedback

Feedback on episode 281 on the Dan Savage article “Infidelity will keep us together.”

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 281: Infidelity will keep us together

What do you think of Dan Savage’s NYT article on non-monogamy?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:45 Book review

PW book reviewer Kurt review’s Kathy Labriola’s Love in Abudance, a Counselor’s Guide to Opening Relationships The book deals with poly effects on current relationships, including dealing with demotion, displacement and intrusion.

8:20 Poly movie review: La Belle Epoque

PW film reviewer Joreth reviews the 1992 Spanish poly-ish film, la Belle Epoque.

15:30 Topic: Dan Savage’s take on infidelity

Discussing the huge, seven-page article in the New York Times exploring Dan Savage’s take on infidelity and the role it plays in keeping monogamous relationships together.

32:45 Feedback

  • John from Lacy responds to 276, “Okay” is a four-letter word, claiming responsibility for communication falls on all parties
  • Emily calls in from a smallish Midwestern college town and asks about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in her relationship. If she isn’t comfortable with it, what should she do?

Josh calls in to muse on the question of why we get married to begin with. What is your reason?

45:15 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 280: Kinkster Advice Line

Raven Kaldera answers your questions about being poly in a D/s relationship

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:20 Raven Kaldera answers your poly BDSM questions!

Raven Kaldera, author of Polyamory and Power Circuits, shares some wisdom on polyamory in the world of BDSM and power dynamics.

  • 3:00 QuotidianLight: How to structure a relationship where a fem sub has her own fem sub. “Do I ask your daddy?” Who is in charge of whom?
  • 6:55 Nellodee: How to make a long-distance, poly D/s relationship work?
  • 10:45 DocErotiq: How to handle being a sub to your primary but Dom to everyone else. They have an owned and collared sub, and he bottoms to her. Also, how to be a Dom as a parent who is a switch and subs to Mom.
  • 16:10 AdeleLoves: How can a couple where one person is into D/s and the other isn’t make it work?

23:15 Feedback

  • Regarding Am I jealous? Episode 277 comments on religious tolerance – a bit of a rant proclaiming no religious tolerance until the religion tolerates different orientations
  • Josh on episode 221 on the This American Life episode on infidelity

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 275: Introverts vs. Extroverts

Living as and loving introverts

The care and feeding of introverts–and what it means to be one or have one as a partner or metamour

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Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:20 Poly Movie Review: Carrington

The PW Movie Reviewer Joreth gives a review of the 1995 movie Carrington. For more poly and poly-ish movie reviews, visit her movie review page.

8:15 Topic: Introverts vs. Extroverts

Our topic today is a rebroadcast from July 2007 and one of my favorite show topics–the care and feeding of introverts and how to both be one and deal with one in your poly relationship.

This article by Jonathan Rauch on the care and feeding of introverts was the subject of much discussion when I posted it here and to my own blog (the comments are a great discussion)

  • introverts can be seen as aloof or snobby
  • Rauch clarifies that introverts simply find other people tiring and suggests that introverts find a way to state that in social settings
  • even extroverts need time to recharge
  • Aiyume mentions on the Myers-Briggs scale
  • observations on introverts from the Poly 101 session on Poly for the Introvert in Austin, Texas
  • SweetAinsley comments that introverts and extroverts view conversations differently–extroverts focus more on flow and dislike pauses; introverts seek out pauses and don’t talk just to fill space
  • Badmagic comments that extroverts don’t necessarily “draw energy from other people” while introverts don’t, but rather it’s a spectrum of how much recharge time folks need; he suggests that introverts try just listening, but be warned people might overshare

Karen comments that introversion makes trying to find a job really difficult

27:40 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 274: Am I jealous?

Listener W writes in to ask: am I jealous, or is this situation unfair?

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Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:20 Topic: Am I jealous?

Wendy writes in to ask advice from the cohost team: am I jealous? She gets a certain number of hours a week with her top, and compares that to the number of hours his wife enjoys with him. She relays anecdotes of her top engaging in sex with another bottom, which was beyond the scope of their agreement, and with his wife, which was beyond her expectations. She relays a situation in which she watched the children for his and his wife’s anniversary trip, but her own collaring anniversary went unnoticed.

Is she jealous and how should she cope? Cohosts Joreth, Pepper and Franklin share insights and give advice, including making a list of the things she needs to feel secure in a relationship and how she would like for commitment to be shown.

20:40 Announcements

Poly in Pictures blog on jealousy – for a little jealousy humor

21:40 Feedback

  • Musqrat comments on the Sister Wives commentary from episode 266, comparing to a sort of institutionalized D/s situation
  • A caller who believes in religious polygyny makes a call for tolerance
  • DDog calls in to appreciate the term “anchors” from episode 260

35:40 Thanks to Earl and John for their donations

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Poly Weekly 264: Wait; we’re monogamous?

How often do couples have differing, undiscussed ideas about monogamy?

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Introduction and host chat

Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Announcements

    • Sinplex Weekend, February 18-20 in Seattle
    • Atlanta Poly Weekend, March 25-27, Atlanta
    • MomentumCon, April 1-3, Washington, D.C. My sessions: Podcasting: Marketing, Mojo and Monetization; Personal Branding for the Sex-Positive Activist
    • Kinkfest, March 18-20, Portland, OR
    • ShibariCon, May 27-20, Chicago, IL. My session: Shibaricon for newbies, introverts and less-than-100%-brave: how to get the most out of your ShibariCon experience

    Topic: Wait; we’re monogamous?

    This study reported on the results from Oregon University’s study of 434 heterosexual married and non-married couples, aged 18 to 25. In 40% of those couples, one partner said the couple had agreed to be monogamous while the other partner said there was no such deal!

    Advice: Should I be poly?

    After losing his wife to his best friend and acknowledging he is comfortable with swinging, Tony asks if he should be poly.

    Book review: Love You Two by Kurt

      Wrap-up
      Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

      Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

      Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

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