By Cunning Minx, on November 15th, 2010%
 It seems that every polyamorous practitioner universally dislikes and finds inadequate hierarchical terms such as “primary” and “secondary,” but we often default to using them for lack of anything better.
I like to refer to “entering a existing couple,” rather that referring to myself as “secondary,” but the word always seems to slip out at some point. And in seeking relationships, it seems positively crass to admit to wanting something substantial and involved enough to be considered “primary.” In fact, I’ve heard people say in an accusing tone, “She’s looking for a primary.” You know, kind of like you’d say, “She’s desperate for a husband to support her and give her babies.” Blech.
But today, a poly-friendly OKC date asked what I wanted. And I answer as I always do, “Truly what I want is one person in this world who gets me. An anchor. Two or three people would be great, but really, everything after one gravy.” And this is true–two or three friends or lovers were great, but that was almost an embarrassment of riches. I just need a person or two I can be myself with, and I’m good.
I always found that I was much better at accepting the nature of relationships when I had an anchor person, someone who was there for me emotionally and who understood me on most levels, and whom I understood and supported as well. The nature of the relationship is less important than that one aspect: needing to be understood.
And that’s when it hit me. I’m not seeking a primary; I was never sure about that, anyway. I’m seeking an anchor person of some sort. Kinky? Emotional? Spiritual? That’s all flexible, and less important than the rest of it. And I can have two anchors or three, and they might all be friends, lovers, live-in partners or various iterations thereof.
I like “anchor” because it implies support without exclusivity (more anchors is better) and a state of connectedness without implying a sexual, live-in or hierarchical arrangement. My anchors could be a long-distance friend and an in-town lover; two live-in partners; a long-distance lover, an in-town friend, a partner and a metamour; or any other combination.
So I offer this to you: instead of a “primary” polyamorous relationship, who is/are your anchor relationships?
By Cunning Minx, on October 23rd, 2010%
Had a great time giving this talk at Poly Living West, hosted for the first time in Seattle! As always, the discussion afterward was far more interesting and thought-provoking. Thanks to everyone who participated!
By Cunning Minx, on August 28th, 2010%
 Dossie Easton, Deborah Anapol and Serena Anderlini d’Onofrio are Three Wise Women giving advice and insights at the event in San Rafael
Download the mp3 directly
Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.
Topic: Three Wise Women
Dossie Easton, Deborah Anapol and Serena Anderlini d’Onofrio are Three Wise Women giving advice and insights at the event in San Rafael
Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email?  Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!
Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com
Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”
By Cunning Minx, on March 9th, 2010%
Download the mp3 directly
Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.
Announcements
Poly Weekly iPhone app with PDF show notes and audio extras is available now!
Cohosts
Joreth
Franklin Veaux
Pepper
Topic: who gets to be the primary?
Discussion of why the question is asked, why it’s important (or not) and what “primary” actually means
Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!
Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com
Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”
By Cunning Minx, on December 15th, 2009%
This week’s Poly Weekly #223: Communicating while angry & realism in relationships.
Download the mp3 directly!
0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.
Announcements
- Anal sex in accordance with God’s will
-
Polyagony: The mixed feeling you get when your sweetie is dating someone new. A mixture of: “I’m so happy for you!” with “Teehee! Tell me all the juicy details!” with, “But I’m still pretty, right?”
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Ann Arbor Poly Network: munch the second Friday, 7:30 p.m., at Pizza House; discussion group third Thursday at WRAP (319 Braun Ct.)
Cohosts
Joreth
Pepper
Topic: Communicating while angry
From the forums: a different way to communicate when angry
Topic: Realism in Relationships
Jenny Block wrote this response to Tiger Wood’s cheating: monogamy isn’t realistic. How would you respond? Thanks to JazzDuck for commenting via Twitter!
Happy Poly Moment
Courtesy of PolyWolf
Feedback
Vim wrote in about poly anime, Marmalade Boy
Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!
Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com
Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”
By Cunning Minx, on December 10th, 2009%
This week’s Poly Weekly #222: Metamours & Change.
Download the mp3 directly!
0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.
Announcements
Please follow us on Twitter!
The Fresno CA Polyamory group meets the Third Friday of every month (excluding November and December) at the Round Table Pizza on First and Bullard at 7:00pm.
Cohosts
Joreth
Franklin Veaux
Boone Dryden
Topic: Dealing with metamours in a changing relationship
Listener calls in to ask for advice with a situation in which she begins dating Sean when he and Jill were broken up. When Sean and Jill reconcile, Jill doesn’t wish to have a child while unmarried, so they marry with caller’s blessing, who hopes Jill will then be happy and secure. However, Jill continues to be even more hostile towards the caller. What to do?
Hosts bring up the issues of assumptions: what does marriage mean to you? Where do you see each person’s place in the new relationship?
Happy poly moment of the week!
EdgesBiz: seeing three loving faces after orgasm
Katie: family support after ACL injury
Feedback: Poly Weekly 219: Success and Divorce
Frances and Jazmin offer Steve Pavlina support via Facebook
“Needing a cuddle”
• “Fuzzy”
• Eynstein suggests “tjØnndau” or “shundy”
Doolies called in about getting love and support during an HSV episode
Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!
Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com
Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”
By Cunning Minx, on April 6th, 2009%
This week’s Poly Weekly #199: All My Love, a review of the Chicago play on open marriage and interview with write Tony Fiorentino.
Download the mp3 directly!
0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.
You can help build episode 200!
Call in to 206-309-0806 or attach an mp3 to cunningminx@gmail.com to share your poly lessons learned: “If I knew then what I know now… “–what would you have done differently?
Announcements
Review: All My Love
The play All My Love runs in Chicago through May 10, 2009
Interview: All My Love writer, Tony Fiorentino
Happy Poly Moment of the Week
TheOgre is happy to see his girlfriend again
Listener Feedback
DonutRooter calls in about Psychology Today article questioning whether open marriage could be a solution to cheating
Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!
Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com
Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”
By Cunning Minx, on March 31st, 2009%
This week’s Poly Weekly #198: 12 Pillars of Polyamory.
Download the mp3 directly!
0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.
You can help build episode 200!
Call in to 206-309-0806 or attach an mp3 to cunningminx@gmail.com to share your poly lessons learned: “If I knew then what I know now… “–what would you have done differently?
Announcements
Poly dating on OK cupid
This American Life #374: Somewhere Out There
Topic: 12 Pillars of Polyamory
From Ken Haslam’s talk at New York PolyPride
Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!
Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com
Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”
By Cunning Minx, on March 24th, 2009%
This week’s Poly Weekly #197: Monogamy at Poly Living.
Download the mp3 directly!
0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.
You can help build episode 200!
Call in to 206-309-0806 or attach an mp3 to cunningminx@gmail.com to share your poly lessons learned: “If I knew then what I know now… “–what would you have done differently?
Interview: Gini and Lauren, monogamists at Poly Living
Gini and Lauren share their experiences at monogamous documentors of Poly Living 2009.
4:20 Minx Interviews Jenny Trask and Lauren
Jenny and Lauren are monogamous at the poly living conference. Minx talks to them to get their impressions of the conference.
Minx talks about lessons learned with Jenny and Lauren. Jenny talks about how the skills necessary for poly relationship are very much like what you need for monogamous relationships. Jenny also brought up the jealousy workshop and how much they enjoyed it.
Lauren talked about learning from the interviews and one on one discussions.
Minx asks Jenny about her sisters, Robin.
Lauren talks about the filming process and what they have been shooting.
Discussion moves to challenges in monogamy.
21:00 Minx wraps up her experiences of Conflation
25:00 Happy Poly Moment of the Week
a listener wrote in with an awesome story of of a marriage ceremony between 3 lovers.
26:30 Listener Feedback
Tara called in about episode 146.
PolyOldFart wrote in about Tacit’s interview. POF mentions that sometimes being honest about your ex isn’t always trashing, it is necessary.
Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!
Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com
Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”
By Cunning Minx, on March 1st, 2009%
 Anita Wagner and a group of couples in the round, speaking on poly-mono folks getting together:
What led you to be poly?
- It’s a commitment to growth and opportunities for intimacy
- What makes you poly? To Anita Wagner, if you feel you have the desire and ability to love more than one person at a time, whether you actually are at the time or not. It’s less about behavior than about identity and beliefs.
- If I haven’t practiced but am curious by poly and fascinated by hearing about how others practice it, am I poly?
- I am my own primary partner first. Wanting to explore intimacy to the depth of my being, not just physical but emotional intimacy as well (or instead).
What are the challenges you face in poly-mono relationships?
- Reframing what commitment means
- Resisting the urge to blame each other
- Reestablishing trust
- Figuring what to tell friends, family and children
- Dealing with guilt from societal expectations
- Dealing with “you deserve better than that” from others
- For the mono partner, dealing with loneliness, shame, inferiority, confusion, feeling that the metamour is an intrusion to the relationship
Advice
- Don’t pigeonhole monos or polys–we all do this for different reasons
- Be aware that the metamour can get even more quality time than the existing partner because it’s set aside specifically–make sure the existing couple gets special, carved-out time, too
- Don’t have an affair instead of talking to your partner about poly–your partner WILL find out, and trust will be destroyed
- Don’t bring it up early and then drop the idea of poly for an extended period of time (say, 10 years) and expect your partner to be up to speed
- Bring the subject up at least once a month for general discussion, even if you’re not actively pursuing another relationship at the time. Remember that people, their needs and their relationship dynamic changes subtly (or dramatically) over time. “I told you five years ago what I wanted” doesn’t cut it!
- Be sure to get a good education in poly itself and in good communication skills–try Marshall Rosenburg’s Non Violent Communication
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