Sex 2.0: Out: the challenges and rewards of being sex-positive

GraydancerFrom Graydancer‘s session at Sex 2.0:

  • “When you come out, you make yourself vulnerable to disapproval, criticism, and discrimination.” -Pat Califia
  • Coming out to partner/children: lead your children down a critical thinking path to determine where prejudices and biases come from
  • Downside of coming out to children: you become a resource for thing like anal sex
  • Best response from a family member: “I don’t approve of it, but I can see why you do it.”
  • Worst response from a family member: “You’re dumb.”
  • Tip: have at least one token vanilla friend
  • Great case study of someone who was out at work: Jack McGeorge, the openly kinky weapons inspector. When opponents tried to discredit him, his boss Hans Blix stood up for him and refused to accept his resignation
  • YKIOK = “your kink is OK”–a response Graydancer got when he came out at work
  • Others benefit from your living out loud: if someone has come out to a person before, it’s more likely that person will be more accepting/familiar with the idea the next time
  • What catalyzes change? Pride, self-esteem, self-disclosure
  • Sex-negative=don’t do anything to be ashamed of. Sex-positive: don’t be ashamed of the things you do

Sex 2.0: The new sex educators

Ducky DoolittleNotes from Ducky Dolittle’s session at Sex 2.0:

  • Ducky started doing peep shows on 42nd Street and spent a lot of time being ashamed of her work. Then she met Annie Sprinkle and decided to become an educator. Got her GED and set out to create an army of sex educators to invade the world.
  • Ducky talks money: sex educators need to talk to each other to compare notes on what and how they were paid for certain gigs and share notes about the most reliable clients
  • It’s on sex educators to create a standard that others can look up to: we need accreditation
  • The trials of choosing a sponsor–we need to get paid for our speaking (and no one makes money from a book) but we don’t always get to choose each toy that the sponsors promote. What do you think of Sue Johanson or Dr. Ruth? The point: have a critical eye to content and talk to other educators.
  • Dr. Ruth still maintains a private practice three days a week–very few can make a full-time salary as a sex educator
  • “The number one way we learn anything in life is through gossip.” We all have the ability to be great sex educators if we take the time to listen to others.
  • Who is your favorite sex educator and why? Answering these questions will help guide your path as a sex educator. Who came up in the session as fave educators: Heather Corinna, Betty Dodson, Dan Savage

Poly Weekly 235: Sex blogger roundtable

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Announcements

Topic: Sex blogger roundtable with Nina Hartley
What could be more fun than hanging with sex bloggers at SXSW? Nothing, I say!

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Polyamory 201 with Tristan Taormino

Went to a fantastic session last night with my awesome friend Yvonne. Babeland in Seattle was hosting the ever-articulate Tristan Taormino and her Poly 201 session on poly relationships and what makes or breaks them. My notes from the session:

  • Key to dealing with NRE: patience, compassion, communication.
  • Key to dealing with poly time management: organization, Google calendar, negotiation skills.
  • It’s not just “you’ve got Tuesday nights;” time carries with it a tremendous emotional charge.
  • Key to dealing with poly micommunication: honesty, self-awareness, and (surprise, surprise) COMMUNICATION.
  • Disclose, disclose, disclose! You might not think it’s a big deal that your new girlfriend is a stripper, but your husband might.
  • Keys to addressing poly agreement violation: make explicit agreement with a checklist. Make a “gray area” rule.
  • Jealousy as a behavior is modeled and rewarded in our society. Too many pop culture songs, movies and TV shows make reference to someone “really” loving a partner if he/she gets jealous.
  • So let’s unpack jealousy: envy, posessiveness, competitiveness, feeling excluded, insecurity.
  • Re jealousy: when you think “someone is smarter than me,” you really mean “I am not smart enough”
  • Solution to jealousy: face your fear. Take it out to dinner. See it for what it is.
  • Harness NRE for good and not evil, knowing it will come back to your existing relationship. When your partner comes home all hopped up on endorphins, jump him!–Selfish person’s guide to NRE

Poly Weekly #220: Gaia and a Poly Planet

This week’s Poly Weekly #220: Gaia and a Poly Planet.

Download the mp3 directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

Announcements

  • ADutch magazine YES is running an article on Polyamory in their January 20-27 edition. Twitter @ageethveenemans if you’re 20-27 and available for an interview.
  • Consenting adult action collecting stories
  • Serena Anderlini-d’Onofrio will be presenting Gaia and the New Politics of Love: Notes for a Poly Planet at Seattle’s Sharma Center Nov 21 and 22. Email RSVP@sharmacenter.org to RSVP. Facebook page here.

Interview: Serena Anderlini d’Onofrio

5:20 Interviwer asks “what do yo means by poly planet”
Serena talks about sharing and how sharing is beneficial to us as a planet and to our ecology and how that relates to poly.

7:50 Interviewer asks “What is Gaia?
Serena talks about her belief how this is a scientific and a vernacular concept. By scientific, she is refering to the belief that the ecosystem is one organism that is symbiotic and made up of many different ecosystems.

13:30 And now..and intermissions….

13:45 How can polyamory save the planet
Serena talks about what this really means, and how we are more talking about saving ourselves.

14:16 Interviewer asks Serena about her book
Serena talks about her book and the experience in writing it. Serena talks about her book publisher, their philosophy and how her book fits into that philosophy.

17:50 Happy Poly Moment
From the Pornocracy blog

19:45 Feedback
Poly Weekly 217: Do the math
Galahad corrects my math and explains the geek joke
RavenHarte and Tammy suggest “anoozely” and “touch whore” for “needing a cuddle”

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #197: Monogamy at Poly Living

This week’s Poly Weekly #197: Monogamy at Poly Living.

Download the mp3 directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

You can help build episode 200!
Call in to 206-309-0806 or attach an mp3 to cunningminx@gmail.com to share your poly lessons learned: “If I knew then what I know now… “–what would you have done differently?

Interview: Gini and Lauren, monogamists at Poly Living
Gini and Lauren share their experiences at monogamous documentors of Poly Living 2009.

4:20 Minx Interviews Jenny Trask and Lauren
Jenny and Lauren are monogamous at the poly living conference. Minx talks to them to get their impressions of the conference.

Minx talks about lessons learned with Jenny and Lauren. Jenny talks about how the skills necessary for poly relationship are very much like what you need for monogamous relationships. Jenny also brought up the jealousy workshop and how much they enjoyed it.

Lauren talked about learning from the interviews and one on one discussions.

Minx asks Jenny about her sisters, Robin.

Lauren talks about the filming process and what they have been shooting.

Discussion moves to challenges in monogamy.

21:00 Minx wraps up her experiences of Conflation

25:00 Happy Poly Moment of the Week
a listener wrote in with an awesome story of of a marriage ceremony between 3 lovers.

26:30 Listener Feedback
Tara called in about episode 146.

PolyOldFart wrote in about Tacit’s interview. POF mentions that sometimes being honest about your ex isn’t always trashing, it is necessary.

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

From Poly Living 2009: Making Lemonade: the Poly/Mono Journey

Anita Wagner and a group of couples in the round, speaking on poly-mono folks getting together:

What led you to be poly?

  • It’s a commitment to growth and opportunities for intimacy
  • What makes you poly? To Anita Wagner, if you feel you have the desire and ability to love more than one person at a time, whether you actually are at the time or not. It’s less about behavior than about identity and beliefs.
  • If I haven’t practiced but am curious by poly and fascinated by hearing about how others practice it, am I poly?
  • I am my own primary partner first. Wanting to explore intimacy to the depth of my being, not just physical but emotional intimacy as well (or instead).

What are the challenges you face in poly-mono relationships?

  • Reframing what commitment means
  • Resisting the urge to blame each other
  • Reestablishing trust
  • Figuring what to tell friends, family and children
  • Dealing with guilt from societal expectations
  • Dealing with “you deserve better than that” from others
  • For the mono partner, dealing with loneliness, shame, inferiority, confusion, feeling that the metamour is an intrusion to the relationship

Advice

  • Don’t pigeonhole monos or polys–we all do this for different reasons
  • Be aware that the metamour can get even more quality time than the existing partner because it’s set aside specifically–make sure the existing couple gets special, carved-out time, too
  • Don’t have an affair instead of talking to your partner about poly–your partner WILL find out, and trust will be destroyed
  • Don’t bring it up early and then drop the idea of poly for an extended period of time (say, 10 years) and expect your partner to be up to speed
  • Bring the subject up at least once a month for general discussion, even if you’re not actively pursuing another relationship at the time. Remember that people, their needs and their relationship dynamic changes subtly (or dramatically) over time. “I told you five years ago what I wanted” doesn’t cut it!
  • Be sure to get a good education in poly itself and in good communication skills–try Marshall Rosenburg’s Non Violent Communication

From Poly Living 2009: Poly Weddings and Gay Marriage Rights

Diana Adams’ talk on Poly Weddings: the legal impact of same sex marriage decision on your poly family with Diana Adams. (I did record audio of this session with permission; check the Poly Weekly feed soon)

  • There is a legal bias against those who are sex-positive
  • Discussing “emotional pre-nups”–discussing what your relationship will look like and the terms of your breakup beforehand
  • She uses a forensic psychologist to help refocus on the issue of which of the parents is doing more negative parenting–the one who never puts the kid to bed or the one who does and who happens to have a locked cabinet of sex toys
  • The vibrator laws aren’t about vibrators but what it would mean if we allowed that: “You have the right to sell Tupperware, but not if there is a dildo in it.” Now focusing on how and whether these rules are actually to prevent harm.
  • Definition of “prostitution” in New York: sexual conduct for a fee. That is, whatever a judge decides is “sexual,” creating a culture of fear and shame for all workers, sexual and even sexual healers as well.

Prop 8 in California
The debate is whether this should be an actual amendment to the California constitution, which is surprisingly easy to amend. Diana argues this should be a court decision, not one put to the voting populace. There are now questions as to whether gay couples married during the legal period will still be legally married. She showed an Amicus brief from an organization associated with the religious right stating that because bisexual and polyamorous people can’t get legally married, we don’t need to give marriage rights to gays, either.

Same-Sex Marriage Debate and How It Affects Us
Diana explains how arguing that marriage is a fundamental human right actually harms the poly marriage issue. Lawrence v Texas overturned older sodomy laws, with an apology, maintaining it was undignified to afford homosexual citizens the same right to have private sex in their homes. (Does everybody know what “santorum” is?)

Two arguments being made:

  1. Sexual orientation should be a legal right as a “suspect class”, or group that has traditionally faced discrimination and thus needs protection. Saying that sexual orientation is a “suspect class” is a major step and very powerful. In states with civil unions, the argument is that allowing civil unions but not marriage for suspect classes is inherently as unfair as “separate but equal.”
  2. We ask: why aren’t we making the argument that the state shouldn’t be making marriages at all? The issue with making marriage a fundamental right is valorizing it and thus further entrenching it into our law, and we’ll no longer be able to separate church and state. This is dangerous because it’s appealing to morality and accepting the institution of marriage without examining it. We went from criminalizing to heterosexualizing our relationships.

Tidbits

  • We have passed the time where we link sexual relationships with economic dependency.
  • Participants recommend readings by Stephanie Koontz on the history of marriage and marriage as a tool of governmental control.

Poly Weekly #192: Sex Positive

This week Poly Weekly #192: Sex Positive.

Download the mp3 directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

Poly Living conference
Sex Positive film series

4:30 Minx talks about the documentary she watched “Sex Positive” and her impressions of the documentary.

13:05 Minx Interviews Clarise Thorn, the person putting the documentary series, Sex+++, together
Minx and Clarise talk about how the series was started; how each of the kink or sex positive movements don’t always talk together; Minx brings up the various different kinds of documentaries in the series; Minx asks about the attendance at the events;

22:20 Happy Poly Moment of the Week
Joreth wrote in and talked about how she showed her metamour how she cared about her; Robotic mailed in and talked about how his grandmother gave him a gift that exactly matched one that Minx talked about.

25:40 Feedback
Josh clarified his question about poly and teenagers.

Imzadi wrote in with a great limerick:

There once was a beautiful couple
Who decided to get into trouble
They flirted with me
And we wound up as three
And now everyone’s feelin’ the frubble

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly book club meets WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4th

Ready to discuss relationships this time? Let’s take some advice from a monogamist!

Gottman's Seven Principles for Making  a Marriage Work

When: Wednesday, March 4th, 6:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.
Where: Lidos Caffe, 122 N. Marion Street, Oak Park, IL
What: hearty discussion of relationships among poly and poly-friendly folks

Please RSVP so we know to look for you–we usually meet in the back room. See y’all there!

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter