PW 306: Polyamory vs polygamy

What are the differences between polyamory and polygamy?Polyamory vs polygamy dont be confused

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Introduction

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1:00 Announcements and Host chat

10:10 Topic: Polyamory vs Polygamy

First, there is a great rundown of polyamory, including an interview with several poly enclaves, in the Winnipeg Free Press. That article on polyamory vs polygamy: “Polyamoury, for the record, is quite distinct from polygamy, which, thanks to TV shows such as the fictional drama Big Love and the reality series Sister Wives, people tend to associate with fundamentalist Mormons who practise plural marriage… Polyamorous relationships are post-modern, secular, egalitarian and consensual.”

Next, check out this Slate article asking whether polygamy as it is traditionally practiced is good for society and does acknowledge “traditional polygamy is a pre-modern institution with religious and patriarchal roots.”

Minx’s take on the five primary differences between traditional polygamy and modern polyamory:

  1. Motive: Polyamory has no organized religion or government sanctioning it. Polyamory represents an alternative subculture, so it tends to be characterized by a thoughtful process of self-structuring rather than adopting a model prescribed by religion or the state.
  2. Power structure: Polyamory has less tendency toward patriarchy. The pioneers of the poly movement have primarily been women, and there is a generally-accepted undercurrent of egalitarianism (apart from D/s relationships). It’s not unusual for a woman to be the head of the household and the point of the romantic/sexual vee.
  3. Acceptance of diversity: More sexual orientations are welcome. Those practicing polyamory are more likely to welcome gay, bi, lesbian, queer and transgendered folks rather than condemn them. There is an acceptance of the value of diversity of sexual preferences and sexual needs.
  4. Full consent of all parties involved. Some may disagree, but I would argue that both religion and state sponsorship hinder full consent.
  5. Lots of communication and negotiation. Since polyamory is not a given and has no prescribed models, everything can and must be negotiated.

25:10 Feedback

  • John called in to encourage folks to do the work and take the time to become proficient at being poly, just as one would practice for hours to become a virtuoso in any field.
  • Andy from Michigan shared a gradual coming out story that has lead to his family slowly accepting his and his wife’s OSO.

31:45 Wrap up


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 305: You might be poly if…

Signs that you might be poly

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 News

  • Our polyamory disaster – tale of swinging, casual sex, non-monogamy, insecurity, lack of communication and lots of drugs – wonder why it didn’t work out
  • Introverts Guide to Networking – Written for business, but great for introverts who are into poly and easily overwhelmed in social situations
  • Polyamory and the slippery slope – arguing against the slippery slope argument against legalizing gay marriage because it could lead to legalization of poly marriage

8:45 Topic: You might be poly if…

Thanks to all our listeners who responded on Twitter and Facebook to complete this sentence! My favorite responses:

  • You have to check three different calendars before you can say yes to a “do you wanna go get a cup of coffee?”
  • For the holidays you have an easier time thinking of presents for your boyfriend’s partner than for your boyfriend
  • You have run out of colors for your sweethearts on your Google calendar
  • You keep a spreadsheet of boundaries
  • You and your husband’s boyfriend both remind the waiter not to put parmesan on his spaghetti
  • You get genuine pleasure from someone else’s happiness

13:25 Feedback

  • J and A ask about the hotwife lifestyle with two questions: did other poly folks find poly through hotwife? And men with a hot wife kink often get off learning intimate details or watching their partner play. From listening to past episodes, we can’t determine if this is uncommon or just rarely discussed in poly circles? (Answer: it’s always discussed whether you want to watch and how much you want to know about sexual activities)
  • Olaf asks about pre-poly signals—has anyone noticed poly tendencies in retrospect?

20:10 Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Looking for the PW Android app?

Hello, guys!

Thanks to those of you who let me know that the PW Android app disappeared from the marketplace. I’ve talked to the guys at LibSyn, and they are working to get it reinstated. In the meantime, you can get the Android app from Amazon here: ht.ly/8vyK7

Thanks and stay tuned–I’ll let you know when the app is back up in the marketplace.

PW 302: When metamours attack

How to deal with a stonewalling and uncommunicative metamour

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

2:45 Topic: When metamours attack

Joreth, Puck and Minx address a tough situation: J starts dating a guy who is in a relationship with an older man, a respected tantric guru. Upon meeting J, the guru declares that she and the guy cannot have sex. A bit later, J and the guy have sex. She asks the guy if the guru was OK with it and then assumes it’s OK to have sex with the guy. She attempts to contact the guru but doesn’t hear back.

A bit later, she and the guy mess around in the place the guy and the guru share. The guru comes home and bans all communication between her and the guy. She makes more attempts to get the three of them together, but the guru does not accept her invitation.

Where did communication fail and what can we do to prevent this happening in the future? We recommend:

  • Own the communication with both your partner and your metamour. NEVER rely on your partner to communicate with your metamour on your behalf. That’s your job.
  • Trust but verify.
  • Know your own boundaries and negotiate with all parties involved. You have a right to know what the boundaries are, why they are there and when/if they will change.

22:00 Feedback – Episode 299, Poly Professional Woman

  • Gary points out that the poly professional man can have challenges dating the busy professional poly woman!
  • Vir suggests taking a high-level view of the work load, distinguishing work-for-pay (including school and homework) and maintaining-the-home. He suggests tallying the hours spent on all aspects and rebalancing the load when the situation shifts. For example, look at:
    • Travel time to and from work/school
    • Working outside the home (job/classes)
    • Paid work at home (professional work/homework)
    • Non-paid work maintaining the home (cooking, cleaning, shopping)

28:00 Thanks

Thanks to Samuel for his donation this week!

Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 298: The care and feeding of drama

The care and feeding of your poly drama–and how to avoid it!

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

We’re closing in on episode 300. And it’s all YOURS! Call in your poem, limerick, story, joke, Happy Poly Moment, book review, rant; whatever! Call in to 206-202-POLY or attach an mp3 to email to polyweekly@gmail.com. Without YOU, there will be no show!

4:45 Topic: The care and feeding of drama

Drama doesn’t just happen; it needs insecurity, neurosis, lack of communication and passive-aggressiveness to survive. So how do you avoid drama? Cohost LustyGuy and Minx go over the basics:

  • Definition of drama: Adding amplitude to emotional reactions vs specific behaviors
  • Ways to avoid drama
    • After initial immediate reaction, decide how you are going to behave
    • Own your own shit (and communicate it!)
    • Communicate in little bits, often, before the situation builds to a confrontation
    • Talk about behaviors, not your judgments of them
    • Talk about your own actions and feelings, not the other person’s
    • Talk about the topic at hand, and only one at a time
  • Examples from Lusty and Minx
    • Early miscommunication + disconnect re: staying over
    • Elle taking finances back from LustyGuy

34:00 Thanks

Thanks to Paul, Marcie and Paul for their donations! And welcome Emma, Vir and Amy to the Poly Weekly Playmate subscription!

35:00 Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 297: Poly for the holidays

Advice on the ins and outs of being poly around friends and relatives during the holidays

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:30 Topic: Poly for the holidays

Sometimes it’s tough to be poly over the holidays. Which relatives are you out to? Can you introduce your lover to your auntie May? How do you schedule family time? Listeners wrote in via Facebook and Twitter to ask the toughest holiday-related poly issues, and cohosts Joreth and Puck help Minx to sort them out:

  • How to introduce non-spouses
  • How to prevent your poly-aware daughter from letting closeted poly relationships slip in front of the “in-laws”
  • Is being closeted OK to certain relatives?
  • How do you handle feeling secondary and isolated?
  • How do you manage economic disparities?
  • How do you deal with missing some and disappointing others?

37:30 Book reviews

Kurt shares book reviews of popular romance stories with contemporary, realistic settings: Jet Lag Blues and Kindle ebook Songbird.

43:00 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Call for contributions for episode 300

Heya, Poly Weekly listeners!

I keep saying that YOU make the podcast–your questions, your requests, your feedback, your ideas, your stories. So as we creep up to episode 300, I’d like to turn the episode content over to you guys.

What do YOU want PW listeners to know? Whether you’ve never called in before or you’re a regular correspondent, this is the time to share. Share what?

  • A short story of love, joy, loss, learning or pain
  • A joke
  • A Happy Poly Moment
  • A before/after moment (when you realize in an instant how you’ve grown)
  • Words of encouragement
  • Words of advice
  • Silly/fun greeting
  • An original song
  • A limerick
  • A haiku
  • What you want to hear more about in the next 300 episodes
Don’t be shakin’, bacon; it’s easy! Just do one of the following:
  • Call 206-202-POLY and leave your <5 minute message
  • Record your <5 minute message and email it to polyweekly@gmail.com
Call in alone or call with your partners and metamours! Call from the hot tub, call from the plane, call from the afterglow; this is your chance to share your insights, wisdom, stories and humor with the PW listenership. And let’s face it: you guys RAWK, so it will be AWESOME!

PW 296: Open relationship or poly?

What is the difference between an open relationship and a polyamorous one?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

  • We have new monthly subscriber donation options! Coffee buddies at $1.99/month, Friend with benefits at $4.99/month and Anchor at $9.99/month. Just choose a PW Playmate option to the right of this entry and hit the big yellow Subscribe button. >>>>>>>
  • Marvin is our first Anchor subscriber. W00t!
  • We’ve created a Poly Weekly Google+ page. Add us to your Circles for poly, geek and kinky updates.
  • Thanks to GaggleAmp promoters for reTweeting us last week!
  • Enough promotion! Geeks, beware: Cheezburger has launched a geek version of the site, Set Phasers to LOL (think LOLcats but with Star Trek) and more!

8:00 Topic: What is the difference between an open relationship and polyamory?

Thanks to listener Donner (?) for calling this one in. Both open relationships and polyamory are ways of practicing non-mongamy. The main difference is that an “open relationship” tends to assume a couple at the base, whereas “polyamorous” can describe both a lifestyle and a personal philosophy or orientation. I.e., I’m single and poly, but I couldn’t be single and in an open relationship. Additionally, polyamory tends to have “multiple long-term, committed relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved,” while open relationships are more loosely defined.

Also, while we’re at it, let’s define polygamy, polygyny, polyandry and polyfidelity! Franklin Veaux has a well-researched glossary of terms if you are ever in doubt.

17:00 Happy Poly Moment

Mark shares a happy poly moment at the birth of his child.

18:15 Feedback

  • Scott comments on changing the negative victim-minded behavior patterns mentioned in episode 293 and suggests theater and other subcultures for the football-loving poly guy
  • Kevin says thanks and asks about a Poly Weekly meetup at Burning Man in 2012 (yes if we can!)
  • Josh shares a lovely story of patience and communication and how it lead to a wonderful exploration of spanking and polyamory

25:45 Thanks

Thanks to Marvin and Sarah, our first PW Anchor monthly subscribers! We hope we can do you proud! And to Eric for his donation.

26:30 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 287: 10 Principles of Burning (Poly!) Man

Photo courtesy of BMIR.org

Photo courtesy of BMIR.org

Joe Zarate-Sanderlin shares his thoughts on how the 10 Principles of Burning Man really apply to polyamory

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:45 Announcements

5:00 Topic: 10 Principles of Burning Man, applied to polyamory

Guest cohost Joe Zarate-Sanderlin, a therapist, shares his thoughts with Minx at Burning Man and BMIR on how the 10 principles of Burning Man apply to poly

  1. Radical inclusion
  2. Gifting
  3. Decommodification
  4. Radical self-reliance
  5. Radical self-expression
  6. Communal effort
  7. Civic responsibility
  8. Leaving no trace
  9. Participation
  10. Immediacy

39:05 Feedback

  • Kudos for Poly Weekly for assuaging loneliness and isolation that come when first exploring polyamory.
  • Avery responds to “why get married” with a cost-benefit analysis prompted by a military situation.

47:50 Thanks

Thanks to Janke for the generous donation this week!

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 284: The passive-aggressive partner

What is “passive-aggressive” behavior and what is it good for?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:30 Topic: What does it mean to be “passive-aggressive”?

Wikipedia gives the limited clinical definition, but Cecil Adams of the Straight Dope has a far more relative (yet researched) take. My own technical definition? “Any behavior in which you feel a strong negative emotion but instead of communicating it directly, you act weird instead.” This manifests in most of us at some point, and it’s incredibly annoying, useless and ultimately ineffective. Let’s just not do it, shall we?

16:00 Feedback

  • Brian likes episode on introverts, noting it’s nice to be understood in a primarily extroverted culture

18:20 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

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