Cunning Minx, Eve Rickert, Tamara Pincus, MSW, LICSW, William Winters discuss the issue of emotional abuse in alternative communities and how we can create awareness and maintain community for both survivors of and perpetrators of abuse at CatalystCon West #cconabuse

CCon session handout

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  1. im disappointed that restorative justice regarding this issue wasn’t elaborated on. Offering this as a guide could be so helpful for communities dealing with emotional abuse. It’s essential for prescrnting future abuse.

  2. An aspie girl September 15, 2015 at 7:09 pm · ·

    Avoiding pushing people out of communities if at all possible is important.

    I’m a trans woman with Aspergers.
    I might be a little bit kinky, but I don’t really know.
    I’ve only ever been to one munch – it was some years ago now.
    A few people felt uncomfortable because of my body language differences, if you’re familiar with the way women with Aspergers do eye contact (which is totally different to AS in Men) that’s what I mean.
    The way this was handled by the organizer left me unable to feel safe in kink communities even 3 years later.
    I was simply overlooked that I could have been a survivor of abuse myself because I’m transgender.
    I don’t blame her for that, she just didn’t have any tools to use.

    If she’d had knowledge like:
    “Personally, when dealing with any person talking about abuse, you should ask about CIE: context, intent, effect of actions”
    and asked those questions then maybe she’d have been able to talk to me about members concerns about me it in a way that didn’t end with me being me on suicide watch for 2 weeks.

    She’d raised her concerns with me by jumping to conclusion that I wasn’t kinky that I was a swinger (nope, but everyone seems to assume that about me and it’s the most frustrating thing ever – I get many unwanted and inappropriate propositions and some of them are from people who just won’t take no for an answer) and a generally creepy pervert.
    As bad as that sounds, she really didn’t intend to hurt me – she just didn’t know how to do any better.

    Aspies tend not to have much confidence in their own interpretations of social context.. so it seemed like she would be the one to know.

    I’ve tried to go to other munches organized by other people where the social scenes don’t intersect and I freeze with fear at the thought of it.
    It’s been a real challenge is stretching how close to the resilient edge I can go just to write this. (But that’s OK).

    I can’t seem to trust any event organizer in the kink community, I’m immediately fearful I’ll be pushed out in the most triggering way possible just like I was the first time I ever tried to explore.
    This is particularly problematic because AS makes you more vulnerable to abuse and less able to communicate what’s going on for you.

    For me it looks like the damage is done – trying to rejoin Fetlife eairler in the year and that was enough to trigger a major flash back episode and knock my mental health of balance for about a week.

    Some people in communities are more vulnerable than others.
    Can a woman with AS even be safe in a kink community?
    Subtly different body language which to give anyone who doesn’t practice definative/ consent totally the wrong idea.
    Hindered ability to communicate (relative to NTs)..

    I think the answer might be no most of the time.
    I over thing every possible misinterpretation, everything that could possibly go wrong and I can’t shake of the belief that anyone I’m supposed to be able to seek help from if things are not OK will just hurt me

    On the other hand, there was a Queer + trans only kink dungeon/sex party I went to which I did feel safe at. On one occasion I even felt safe enough to actually play with someone i’d met that night, and it was a very positive experience – that was significant because I thought that kind of thing was something that could never be comfortable with. I love those kinds of surprises.
    Then straight cisgender people (who were very clearly told the were not allowed in that space in the event description) started showing up in large numbers and that wasn’t space for me any more.

    These slides are a very valuable resource.
    Thank you.

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