The smart and sexy Mistress Matisse’s latest column is on poly veto power.

Only it’s not. Not really. It’s really about jealousy, insecurity and communication. Her point is that if you communicate well and deal with your jealousy, you don’t really need a veto. which tends to be prone to backfiring when used, anyway. Or can use “veto” as more of a warning for a lover who has on the rose-tinted NRE goggles.

She and Twisted Monk were the first ones I heard use the phrase “don’t put your dick in a crazy” as their primary rule of polyamory. Simple. Elegant, even. 🙂 Love that rule!
And yes, sometimes it’s your partner’s job to point out that that cute ass and winning smile you’re gaga over are indeed bat-shit crazy. But that’s not so much a veto as a reality check, isn’t it?

Point is, you can’t wield veto like a weapon. You also can’t use it as a shield against your own insecurities. Her scenarios A and B are dead-on–what are you going to do, really, when you feel you need to wield the veto? Make it an ultimatum? Oh, yeah, everyone I know just LOVES those. And if you’re only wielding the veto because the new partner threatens you in some way, well, even if your partner doesn’t date that person, your insecurities are still there and will pop up the next time he/she tries to date someone prettier/more successful/smarter/in better shape than you.

Here’s a crazy idea: why not just communicate your doubts to your partner? Matisse gives a great example of stating concerns rather than wielding a veto. I bet you dollars to doughnuts it starts a conversation rather than ending it.


Commenting area

  1. Great find! I have always wondered how one could accomplish a veto without dire consequences to the current relationship. Not only do you bust a big bubble for your partner but you tell her that you don’t trust her. I know many would exclaim that they are “protecting” their mate. However by pulling the veto card you are really saying either you can’t trust your partner enough to communicate your insecurities and/or not emotionaly inteligent (enough), or that you don’t trust your partner able to pick suitable metamores. Either way you show distrust and incompatability both extreamly damaging to a relationship. My $0.02.

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