Bonus: Minx’s Bawdy story

Bonus content! Minx’s Bawdy story

Download the mp3 directly

A special Poly Weekly bonus: Minx’s Bawdy story, told at Bawdy Storytelling Seattle in May, 2015.

Navigating your first poly relationship [SLIDESHARE]

Please enjoy these slides from our popular new class, Navigating Your First Poly Relationship.

Pondering your first foray into the wild and wooly world of non-monogamy? Dazzled by the buffet of terms, or confused about how one person’s polyamory rubs up against another’s open relationship while yet another’s relationship anarchy is looking interesting across the room? Join Cunning Minx and LustyGuy as they take you on a guided tour of your first poly relationship. Learn how to identify, communicate and negotiate your needs and expectations, how to deal with changes in yourself and your relationships and what kinds of questions you should be asking yourself and your prospective partners.

Who should attend:

  • Solo polyamorists
  • Couples considering polyamory
  • Couples or tribes involved in their first or second poly relationship
  • Experienced polyamorists with partners who are new to poly
  • Monogamists or the poly-curious

How to deal with poly experience shock

Poly Pitfall: Experience Shock

There are many, many pitfalls to relationships in general and to polyamorous ones in particular. One of the dynamics LustyGuy and I often see (and experience) in new poly relationships is what he has termed “experience shock.”

What is experience shock

“Experience shock” is the disparity between your expected response to a new situation and your actual response. It’s what happens when you think about how you believe you will feel when [X] happens, but when [X] does happen, you feel completely differently. The shocked person can then feel a significant amount of cognitive dissonance and even guilt or shame for the sin of not having been able to accurately predict how they would have felt in a completely new situation.

Here’s an example: My partner is going to Burning Man without me, and we talk about how I will feel if he meets someone special there. I say I’d be happy for him; go have fun. But when he comes back home in full love-goggle mode about a new girlfriend who lives in Utah, I feel jealous and insecure.

And now I’m ashamed about feeling petty and jealous when I said I would be happy for him. Which I should be, right? Because I’m a good poly person, and I want to be happy for him.

New class: Navigating your first poly relationship, Friday, June 24, 2016

Why experience shock happens

experience shockExperience shock happens for a very obvious reason: we’re bad at predicting how we might react in new situations. Life doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Many factors contribute to experience shock, including:

  • Lack of information If you’ve never been in the situation before, it’s unlikely you will have enough information to accurately predict your behavior.
  • Contributing factors If I had a bad day at work or a fight with my mom while my partner is at the burn, it will affect how I feel about the new situation.
  • My worst fears It’s very common for one’s own worst fears to come to the forefront during times of stress, and those fears likely have nothing to do with the reality of the situation. In the absence of information, our worst fears are happy to provide a substitute for reality.

How to deal with experience shock

  1. Relax First, breathe. Relax. Everyone experiences this at some point. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you human. Everyone experiences negative emotions at some point, and it’s perfectly OK to experience them. It doesn’t make you a bad person, and it doesn’t make you bad at poly. It just means that you are a human being.
  2. Ignore the “should” Next, ignore the voice that tells you what you should be feeling. Everything you are feeling is OK.
  3. Ask for a hug If possible, ask your partner for a hug or a touch. Physical connections can make negative emotions much easier to deal with.
  4. Describe what you’re feeling Take the time to describe the emotion you are feeling. Sometimes, it’s helpful to describe where you feel it — I tend to feel jealousy in my chest. Others feel it in their stomach or their necks. Others look at me like I’m crazy when I ask about where they feel it.
  5. State the fear If you are experiencing a negative emotion, chances are it’s based on a fear you have. Instead of avoiding the fear, face it. Say out loud what you are afraid of. “I’m afraid that she will replace me.”
  6. Drill down Next, drill down into the fear. What will it mean if that fear comes to pass? “I’ll have to watch as I slowly lose him to her.”
  7. And then what? Ask “and then what” until you get to the point of ridiculousness: “And then… I’ll lose him and everything we have. And I’ll have to move out. And I’ll be alone. And I’ll never love anyone ever again. And I’ll die homeless and alone.”

You’ll find that, while this won’t completely dissolve your discomfort or negative emotions, bringing them into the light in this manner does make them much more manageable.

And above all, forgive yourself for having experience shock. Even the best of us go through it.

Poly Pitfalls: Fixing Things When They Break

Thanks to everyone who attended the debut of our new class on poly pitfalls! We already have some great ideas for improving the class for next time.

Poly Pitfalls 101: Fixing Things When They Break

PW summer hiatus 2016

Hi! It’s Polyamory Weekly, and this is a special announcement.

Yup, after 11 years of continuous publication, I’m taking a brief hiatus. We’ll be taking two months off and come back to you with brand new content in July.

What should you do in that time? I’d recommend, if you have the PW app, going back and listening to older episodes that came out before you started listening–that’s what I do with This American Life. Or you can go to www.polyweekly.com and do a keyword search for your topic du jour: jealousy, metamours, living situations, money–and get a list of all the episodes that have touched on it.

What will I be doing with the time? Well, I’ll be looking for my next dream marketing job–so if you know a B2B or B2C organization looking for a fabulous content marketing strategist, drop me an email at cunningminx at gmail.
In the meantime, remember to be true to yourself, own your shit, ask for what you want and, of course, that it’s not all about the sex.

<iframe style=”border: none” src=”//html5-player.libsyn.com/embed/episode/id/4386222/height/90/width/400/theme/custom/autoplay/no/autonext/no/thumbnail/yes/preload/no/no_addthis/no/direction/backward/no-cache/true/render-playlist/no/custom-color/87A93A/” height=”90″ width=”400″ scrolling=”no”  allowfullscreen webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen oallowfullscreen msallowfullscreen></iframe>

PW 478: Don’t try poly without listening to this

What do you need to know before trying polyamory? (rebroadcast)

Download the mp3 directly

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:30 Host chat

3:50 Poly in the News

6:05 Topic: What you need to know about poly relationships before trying one

Koe Creation and Minx highlight one of the most important pieces for you to read, review and integrate before trying a poly relationship. No, it’s not about jealousy. No, it’s not about dating. No, it’s not about safer sex. This is a topic that very few people discuss before trying polyamory and is usually the cause of the demise of the first poly relationship.

What is it? The rights that every person has in every relationship, regardless of the structure: Franklin Veaux’s and Eve Rickert’s Relationship Bill of Rights.

38:05 Thank you!

Thanks to Shelby for the donation!

39:05 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@gmail.com!

PW 477: What’s the trick to triads?

Is there a hack to successful triads?threesome (1)

Download the mp3 directly

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

  • Poly Pitfalls: Fixing Things When They Break is Tuesday, May 24 at the Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle. Come join us! Tix here.
  • Telling a story at Bawdy Storytelling Seattle Slippery Slope tonight at 8:00!

3:00 Poly in the News

Meet the people in “Quads”

5:40 Topic: What’s the trick to triads?

Listener E writes in to ask if there is a trick to maintaining triads or quads—are there hacks that make some more successful than others? Or is is 100% chemistry and partner selection? E writes:

I once heard Pepper Mint say that triads and quads are the “graduate school” of polyamory. After being involved in three diverse triad-style relationships myself, I think he’s right. Getting any group of people together in close proximity is bound to cause problems, and this is especially the case when they’re romantically and / or sexually involved. Even when all parties have been poly for a long time, are great communicators, and know not to treat people as things, triads tend to run into problems.

22:00 Feedback

Aggie Sez from SoloPoly.net comments on episode 475 on hierarchies and on “sneakiarchies” and includes a link to her recent survey on what solo people think of hierarchies.

28:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@gmail.com!

We’re on Google Play Music!

Good news! Now, you can listen to Poly Weekly on Google Play Music! Click here to find Poly Weekly, and be sure to subscribe so you can listen whenever you like.

google play icon

PW 476: How do I know where I stand?

How do you know where you stand with a new poly partner?where do i stand

Download the mp3 directly

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

  • We’re on Google Play Music
  • New class! Poly Pitfalls: Fixing Things When They Break is Tuesday, May 24 at the Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle. Come join us! Tix here.

3:15 Poly in the News

13:10 Topic: How do I know where I stand?

Confused in California writes in to ask how to figure out where she stands with a new poly partner who began by lying to her about being single and who won’t give advance notice for infrequent dates. How does she know how much of a partner she actually is to him?

Minx recommends reading the Relationship Bill of Rights, which is a standard for EVERY relationship, not just poly ones. In particular, you have the right to be told the truth, to choose the level of involvement that YOU want (not what he/they are willing to offer), to feel and communicate your needs and to seek balance in what you give to the relationship and to what the relationship gives back to you.

22:45 Feedback

  • Viro from the furry relationship advice podcast Feral Attraction writes in to comment on episode 47, saying it is sometimes OK to talk to one partner about another
  • Heather writes in to share how poly has improved her sex dreams
  • Dee calls in with a new poly relationship term: “comet.” This is someone who passes through your life repeatedly who is intense and awesome and when gone you were still in contact with that person in some way, but they’re not a continuous partner. Love the idea!

29:45 Thank you!

Thanks to Elizabeth for her donation, and welcome Amy and Dylan to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

31:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@gmail.com!

PW 475: When hierarchies collide

What to do when your hierarchy gets in the way of your actual relationships14341341_s

Download the mp3 directly

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

Poly book review: Dragongirl

5:00 Poly in the News

Super cool poly 101 video being distributed
Poly living and cohabitation recriminalized in Utah court ruling

10:45 Topic: When hierarchies collide

S is new to poly and started dating one guy, Matt, who wanted a primary + more structure (he’s divorced with kids and anti-marriage). Then she started dating Luke, who is unmarried and wants to be married. So Matt rushed off to find himself a fresh, new primary as she contemplates marriage to Luke.

Any advice on dealing with hierarchies when they aren’t serving anyone well?

20:50 Feedback

Grant writes in to ask when to share his user manual in the dating process

27:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@gmail.com!

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?
CatalystCon West '15

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter