PW 491: Your poly ethics

39280821 - close up on a man and a woman holding hands at a wooden table

What are your poly ethics?

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Poly in the News

I live with my boyfriend and husband, and here’s how we make it work in the Washington Post

4:30 Topic: What are your poly ethics?

  • Koe Creation joins us for this ethics-oriented episode
  • Resources: More Than Two and the Relationship Bill of Rights and Koe’s new Poly Ethics Checklist
  • Self-awareness is the best foundation: know who you are, what you need to be happy and how you want to be treated
  • Start with basic questions, such as:
    • How do you like to be treated?
    • How do you need to treat others in order to feel ethical?
    • How about when others are mean or unethical to you?
    • What do I want my poly relationships to look like?
    • How will I act if they don’t?
  • Minx suggests not treating people as things; Koe suggests seeing people as investments rather than purchases.
  • How will I act when my partner asks for something I’m afraid to give?
  • Will you be able to say no? Are you capable of hearing “no” as a response to a request?

33:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 490: Boundaries vs rules

Rules vs boundaries by Cunning MinxWhat is the difference between a rule and a boundary?

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:30 Poly in the News

8:50 Topic: Boundaries vs rules

  • Candyfloss wrote in to ask what exactly was the difference between boundaries and rules—and is it OK to make a “no sex in my bed” rule?
    • Rules are behavioral restrictions placed on others. Boundaries are statements of the limits of your personal integrity. “You can’t have sex in my bed” is a rule. “I insist on informed consent” is a personal boundary that could be applied to a number of situations, including your bed.
  • Also, do hierarchical poly configurations work?

24:50 Feedback

Our Better Half” is a podcast devoted to sex over 50.

25:50 Happy Poly Moment

E writes in to share a multigenerational, family-oriented happy poly moment.

27:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 489: “The other woman” in poly

the other woman in polyHow “the other woman” archetype affects poly relationship

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Host chat

We’re now on I Heart Radio

1:45 Poly in the News

7:30 Topic: Casting “the other woman” in poly

Polyamory is supposed to be devoid of non-consensual relationships, so why would we need to talk about a topic such as “the other woman” in poly? Much like life, poly is an ongoing journey of discovery, and sometimes, old habits die hard. More than one poly person has found themselves unwittingly cast in “the other woman/man/person” category, as we discover that a partner has not revealed their marital or relationship status with 100% honesty.

Koe Creation and Minx discuss coping mechanisms when this happens, including self-care as well as public needs and future avoidance.

37:30 Feedback

Sean writes in to share his experience of coming out to his family

42:00 Happy Poly Moment

A listener shares an international HPM!

43:15 Thank you!

Thanks to Alexander for the donation!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 488: Negotiating metamour meets

My husband and I disagree on how soon to meet metamours–how do we negotiate this?

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negotiating metamour meets


Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Host chat

Tina Horn’s excellent response to Pamela Anderson’s new anti-porn stance

4:15 Poly in the News

A clueless journalist’s ignorance on display and the community response to it

7:45 Topic: Negotiating metamour meets

Listener Michelle writes in to ask about how to negotiate metamour meetings when she wants to meet metamours right away, but her husband would rather wait a few weeks. Or months. Or never. She writes that he agrees reluctantly to meet partners, and to introduce her to his, but they are not sure how to determine when we should introduce new partners to each other. She feels like she’d rather meet his new partners after no more than two or three dates, whereas he thinks that seems unnecessarily soon. How can they solve the impasse?

  • What do you need to be happy and healthy?
  • What does he need to be happy and healthy?
  • Negotiate from there
  • Find ways to make it more comfortable and less awkward
  • In general, as with safer sex, the lowest common denominator wins

14:30 Feedback

  • A writes about the challenges of asexuality because A does seek romantic relationships and appears mainstream, but “sex gets in the way” and is happy we are talking more about asexuality
  • Christina writes in about how hard she, as a poly meetup organizer, works to promote tolerance and acceptance of her group, including discrimination against monogamy and monogamists

19:00 Happy Poly Moment

  • GreedyPaul called in to say he was courageous and started his own poly group!
  • Sean writes in that his mistress is welcome for the weekend!

22:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 487: When independence hurts

when independence hurtsWhat to do if your independence hurts your partner(s)

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Host chat

3:00 Topic: When independence hurts

A listener writes in to ask what to do when one’s need for autonomy and personal time causes one’s partner grief.

LaRasa writes: “One of my biggest hang-ups is that because I have always been so independent, the current situation of mono life feels like a cage, but whenever I bring up the need for me time, she gives me the ‘hurt puppy dog’ eyes.”

We recommend using the Sunday Safe Space (great idea!) to do a full relationship check-in, including praise, gratitude and expressing appreciation for what is working well. Also:

  • Talk about specific behaviors, not broad generalizations (what exactly makes your life feel “like a cage”?)
  • Let each person own their shit; don’t assume an emotion due to the eyes
  • Innoculate, check in, iterate
  • Establish a “get home” ritual

19:45 Feedback

  • Joris writes in to criticize my reluctance on episode 393 to use the singular “they” (which is now no longer an issue) and to bring up the challenges gender queer folk have to deal with every day
  • Ourdane did as well and also called me out on gender stereotyping
  • Baltimore Sun editor on the singular “they”

32:45 Happy Poly Moment

  • The “Sugar Shack”
  • Going from DADT to happy metamours

38:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 486: Introverts, extroverts and anxiety

39091910 - side profile stressed young businessman sitting outside corporate office holding head with hands looking down. negative human emotion facial expression feelings.

How do you deal with introversion, self-care and anxiety in poly?

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Announcements and host chat

1:30 Poly in the News

Books about loving everybody

4:00 Topic: Dealing with introverts, extroverts and anxiety in polyamory

A listener writes in to ask about how to find personal space and time for self-care when in a poly situation, particularly a living situation. Is there a tip for dealing with personal space, introversion, self-care and anxiety in poly?

  • You can decide what is ethical and happy- and healthy-making for you
  • If what you really want is more sex with your wife, having sex with someone else won’t help. But if you have desires that you can happily fulfill elsewhere, go to it!

15:00 Feedback

  • School psychologist sounds off on how to support a survivor of abuse in episode 448
  • A listener writes in to ask if mono-poly (due to his wife identifying as a gray asexual) can work
  • New poly word from R: “consolidate,” when several partners agree to go on a date together for efficiency

27:15 Happy Poly Moment

L is a therapist in a conservative state who was afraid to come out as poly at work—before hearing the other therapists talk about how they prefer poly patients, since it’s easier to get them to listen to each other than mono folks!

29:00 Thank you!

Thanks to Rob for the donation!

30:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 485: Do I end my marriage to try poly?

choosing a path

Is it worth it to end my marriage to try poly?

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:30 Announcements and host chat

Asexuality Awareness Week is October 23-29

Beyond the Love

4:00 Poly in the News

Survey: one in five people data non-monogamously

6:45 Topic: Do I end my marriage to try polyamory?

I am in my early twenties and have just discovered polyamory. It has been really liberating to discover that people live happily in this way an that I am not alone. There is one problem however: I am married and entered into the marriage with the understanding that we were both monogamous. My husband is not receptive to any of this, and it seems we want really different things. He wants to be the only one I love and the only one that I go to for everything, but I just feel I want more than he can give.  

I just want to be able to connect emotionally and physically with people as I see fit, and this is incompatible with the relationship.  How can I decide if poly is important enough to leave my marriage over?

How to bring up polyamory within a monogamous relationship

16:40 Feedback

  • Lean writes in to ask for more Relationship Anarchy content on the podcast
  • Linda calls in about the Supreme Court marriage equality decision in 2015
  • Audio from the mono part of a mono-poly relationship: folks in the community can be negative towards monogamists but otherwise, it’s a great community

23:00 Happy Poly Moment

  • A listener calls in to recount how she owned her shit during an episode of jealousy
  • A Mardi Gras Happy Poly Moment

28:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 484: Shifting time with changing partner priorities

Is it OK to shift one’s time commitments when one’s priorities shift?shifting time priorities

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Announcements and host chat

1:30 Poly in the News

8:45 Topic: Shifting time commitments as priorities change

A listener calls in to ask a question: since it turns out her partner isn’t available to be a live-in partner and she wants a live-in partner, is it OK/ethical to reduce the time she spends with him in order to make room for a potential live-in partner?

Things to consider:

  • It’s OK to want what you want
  • You get to decide what your priorities and boundaries are
  • Address the issue with all involved if/when it becomes reality, not before (don’t borrow trouble)
  • Ask for what you want and be prepared to hear yes, no or a counter offer

18:45 Feedback

  • AggieSez wrote in to share how she constructed and shares her user manual on EverNote
  • A listener calls in to ask for more podcasts on intersexuality

26:45 Happy Poly Moment

  • Anonymous wrote in for a happy metamour moment about being included and invited to participate in planning a party for a mutual partner
  • A listener calls in to share a happy metamour breakfast moment. No, metamours are not that scary!

30:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 483: Dealing with the gossip mill after coming out

8311963_sHow to deal with gossip and rumors after you come out as poly

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • Remedy the movie is now available to stream at http://www.remedyfilm.com/
  • We’re teaching How to Write Your Own User Manual Tuesday, August 23 at Seattle’s Center for Sex Positive Culture! Get tickets here.

4:15 Poly in the News

The poly professionals list has been updated! Huzzah! And also a great link to What Psychology Professionals Need to Know About Polyamory.

6:15 Topic: Dealing with the rumor mill after coming out as poly

IslandGirl calls in to ask how to deal with the rumor mill surrounding she and her wife coming out as poly—it was worse than when she came out as queer! What to do?

14:15 Feedback on episode 447 Poly People of Color

  • A listener calls in to ask for more episodes on poly people of color
  • S wrote in about the April 2016 issue of the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy to let us know it discusses the prevalence of Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) in two national samples of single Americans in which 21% of single adults in both studies have previously had a CNM relationship and ultimately concluding “The present results illuminate that almost one quarter of American adults engage in departures from monogamy at some point during their lives — and that engagement in these relationships is not unique to stereotypically privileged castes of U.S. society.”
  • Jen also wrote in with a story about when her economic privilege was called out.

26:10 Happy Poly Moment

  • Kristin writes about gaining self-awareness and self-confidence and improving her self-esteem through the poly process
  • Cate shares a lovely happy poly moment of getting a perfect card from her metamour during her goth wedding renewal with her husband

41:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 482: Dealing with a**holes in the poly community

How to deal with assholes in the poly communitylolcatfart

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Poly-ish movie reviews

Of The Ethical Slut: the web series from Joreth of Poly-ish Movie Reviews

7:00 Topic: Someone in the poly community makes me uncomfortable. What do I do?

Your choices are these:

  • If you have experienced abuse, report the person to a safety report, if your community has them. Alternatively, propose safety reports.
  • Leave the community entirely.
  • Choose to attend events where the person is less likely to show up.
  • Attend whichever events you like and cope with your unease.
  • Start your own poly event.
  • Limit your poly to private events with people you do trust—call three poly friends to go to a movie, for example.

14:30 Feedback on episode 475 on hierarchies

20:45 Happy Poly Moment

  • Orlando shares a polycule HPM
  • Sara from Sweden celebrates her first year of successful poly

24:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

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