PW 382: Poly for realz

pick me lolcatHow do you deal with the reality of bringing up poly with a partner and with choosing partners that are poly-friendly?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

  • Minx will be teaching two sessions at Winter Wickedness February 7-8 in Columbus, Ohio! Classes will include Kicking Poly Drama on Its Ass and Eight Things I Wish I’d Known about Poly (Before I Tried and Fucked It Up). Both are new classes and hopefully will fit into the kink venue!
  • The wacky poly-friendly Butterfinger Superbowl commercial got quite a negative reaction, but Dan Savage praised it as monogamish
  • The movie Her is about a guy who falls in love with his AI and has some poly messaging, including “I’m yours, and I’m not yours”

7:30 Topic: Poly for realz and partner selection

B wrote in to ask about how to deal with actively dating and possibly attracting partners who might not identify as poly. A great episode is always Getting Over the Poly Hump, even though B has been open for quite a few years. Focus on more communication, not less and yes, 99% of successful poly is partner selection.

Also, P from NY state asks about how to bring polyamory up to a partner he’s been seeing for a while. Minx recommends the poly hump podcast and also considering poly an ongoing conversation rather than a one-time, all-or-nothing deal.

22:50 Feedback

  • Episode 379 Owning your own shit got a lot of feedback!
  • Vaughn comments that saying something out loud often mitigates the issue
  • Heather asks where to draw the line on disclosing one’s emotions

27:50 Happy Poly Moment

  • Hayley wrote in with a very cute car analogy to deal with a partner’s possessiveness
  • S in Australia shared a moment of poly joy as his partners found a shared interest in architecture and design

31:45 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 381: Poly-rope-a-palooza with Lee Harrington

LeeHarringtonbyDarrelVictorLynn11-150x150How exactly do polyamory and rope play intersect?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and HostChat

  • Kinkfest UK will be in Birmingham July 26-27 with workshops, demos, discussions, performances and more! IndieGoGo campaign here
  • Want to help out a friend of Poly Weekly who is collecting survey responses on computer mediated communication? If you’re 18 or older and have 30 minutes, you can help out by taking this survey. Thanks!

4:45 Interview: Lee Harrington on the intersection of poly and rope

s-020-Cover2What do polyamory and rope play have in common? Whether you’re kinky or not, Lee Harrington brings some excellent insights as to how rope play can influence sensuality and communication and help us to be our authentic selves.

Lee’s Links:

32:15 Minx at Winter Wickedness

Minx will be teaching two sessions at Winter Wickedness February 7-8 in Columbus, Ohio! Classes will include Kicking Poly Drama on Its Ass and Eight Things I Wish I’d Known about Poly (Before I Tried and Fucked It Up). Both are new classes and hopefully will fit into the kink venue!

37:00 Happy Poly Moment

Angel shares a fabulous poly moment. Angel’s metamour organized a skate night with the extended poly family for a wonderful evening of Family of Choice fun!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 380: Advice from your secondary

42-lolcat-funny-images-of-cats-with-toy-roboA few things your secondary wants you to know

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and HostChat

Want better poly matches on OKCupid? Be sure to answer these poly-indicative questions!

4:30 Topic: Five things your poly secondary wants you to know

Blogger Ginger wrote up a short but sweet post on five things your secondary wants you to know: (paraphrased by Minx)

  • The time we spent together is limited, so please value it like we do
  • We sometimes need extra reassurance; this is normal
  • You still need to be reliable
  • It’s important that your primary partner be comfortable with us
  • The fact that we love and value you keeps us going

Listener GreedyPaul called in to ask what changed in terms of metamour relations between Minx’s last long-term poly relationship and this one? What did L do to welcome me into the relationship and/or how had I changed?

Amanda wrote in to share a story of metamour relations: while she’d always believed that it was the new partner’s job to reach out to her, she came to understand how scary that can be for a new partner, so she chose to step up and reach out, with wonderful results!

20:45 Feedback

E wrote in to thank us for covering Asperger’s and poly and how very valuable the clear and explicit communication required in poly is to those with Aspy’s.

23:30 Happy Poly Moment

Heath shared a professional happy poly moment about bringing up relationship structure inclusiveness for intake at his college counseling center in the Kansas City area. AND if you have examples of the language you use in your paperwork for assessing relationship orientation, email him at heath12@ku.edu Thanks!

26:00 Thanks!

Thanks to Steven, Kevin, Elizabeth, Ewen, Violet and Sturley for their generous donations this week!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 379: Owning your own shit

ShitHappensWhat does it mean to “own your own emotional shit”?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 HostChat

Minx and LustyGuy talk briefly about the holidays with their new blended family

2:30 Topic: Owning your own shit

Guillaume wrote in to ask what “owning your own shit/emotions/baggage” means exactly and for specific examples.

  • Owning your emotions involves taking personal responsibility for understanding, diagnosing and stating your emotions
  • It also requires recognizing that your emotions are primarily created within you rather than caused by someone else (except in cases of abuse)
  • Owning your own emotions is empowering and usually very much appreciated by your partners. Once you can name an emotion, you can do something about it.
  • However you feel is OK, including negative emotions such as pettiness, jealousy, envy, resentment and anger. Avoid “shoulds” and just accept how you feel.
  • Also, it’s important to let others own their own emotions. The proper response to a friend or partner owning an emotional response is, “Good for you for knowing that” and or “thank you.” Don’t argue, agree or pile on. At most, disagree by saying, “You are the expert on you. However, I haven’t seen in you that negative emotion you just described.”

17:15 Happy Poly Moment

We are blessed with two happy poly moments this week!

  1. K wrote in to share her gratitude that, when her partner and that partner’s kids ended up moving into her and her husband’s home, that everyone was supportive, happy and shared very nicely.
  2. Leelee shared a story of one metamour offering to go out of his way so she could see another lover. Very sweet!

21:00 Feedback

Steve offered feedback on episode 376 and gave us lots of food for thought!

  • How to address listener questions Minx’s philosophy on being a podcast host and her goals of helping listeners while providing useful content to others
  • Avoiding judgment LustyGuy chimes in and vehemently disagrees with Steve’s assessment, saying that we have no right to judge if someone else is “really” poly. Also he posits we should avoid making assumptions and judgments about the health of other people’s relationships, especially based on minimal information.
  • 31:45 When to speak up Minx and LustyGuy address when you SHOULD say something about a good friend’s relationship—if you are a very good friend and really fear a friend is on an unhealthy path, you should absolutely express your concerns. ONCE. And then (barring extreme situations such as abuse), stand by them no matter where the path leads them.

34:45 Thanks!

Thanks to Steve, our newest Poly Weekly Playmate!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 378: Poly dating on OKCupid

online-dating-lolcatTips for poly dating on OKCupid

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

3:00 Topic: Poly dating on OKCupid

Q wrote in to ask if it was unrealistic to hope for a polifidelitous triad with two bisexual guys and to seek that on OKCupid.

  • It’s great to have an idea of what you want, but it shouldn’t impair your openness to great folks who might not fit into that exact box.
  • Remember that what’s most important in love and emotional intimacy is how you respond to the person and whether he meets your emotional needs, stated or unstated.
  • Rather than imagining what a future mate will look like, think instead about how you want to feel in a relationship. Do you want to feel like a valued partner, an adored princess, a wise leader, a sex toy, a best friend?

19:00 Feedback

R asks for advice about her poly situation. What do you do when your play partner takes on a new, young partner (your new metamour) who is prone to jealous fits and tantrums whenever you have a play date with him? My advice:

  1. You can choose to leave.
  2. You can open up communications with her (the new metamour) in a friendly, non-confrontational manner.
  3. You can bring it up with him—as the point of the vee, keeping the communication going between you and the new metamour is technically his responsibility.

27:45 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 377: What commitment means

LustyGuy and Cunning Minx handfastingWhy have a handfasting or any type of public commitment ceremony?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 HostChat

Welcome our sponsor, GetSTDTested. Use code polyweekly to save 10% at checkout!

4:00 Topic: What does commitment mean to you?

In light of our commitment ceremony last week, listener Vir wrote in to ask about why we decided to commit as well as

  • What did your vows cover?
  • What happens when someone breaks that promise?
  • Why makes your promise in front of witnesses different from what you were already doing?
  • What will the renewal process look like?
  • What did this ceremony give you that you didn’t already have?

Excellent questions, and ones that, frankly, even monogamous couples entering a traditional marriage should be able to answer as well!

18:00 Special segment: Minx and LustyGuy’s commitment ceremony

Our beach handfasting, officiated by L, with my friends M and J reading as well.

27:45 Happy Poly Moment

Rachel in NYC writes in to share a great first poly experience!

31:00 Thanks

Thanks for Hayley and Rachel for their generous donations this week!

32:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 376: When to bow out

 

The people in the relationship are the only ones who decide when it ends

The people in the relationship are the only ones who decide when it ends

Should you leave a relationship because others tell you to?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:30 Topic: When to bow out

K has been in a relationship for over two years for over 40 hours a week and feel completely committed. His wife refuses to see or communicate with K, and that wife has been diagnosed with stage three terminal cancer. Should K bow out of this relationship she’s put so much into?

Our response:

  • Resist the urge to value the original couple more highly than subsequent relationships. When a partner or metamour faces hard times, support rather than absence is generally a compassionate response.
  •  Rather than taking advice from others, ask the people involved what they want. Ask him and her what they want. No one else’s opinion matters.
  • Say what you want. You are in a valid relationship and have a voice.
  • Remember that you do also always have the power to leave if the situation becomes untenable or unhealthy for you.

10:45 Happy Poly Moment

K shares a fabulous happy poly moment of spending casual, pizza-and-pajamas time with a metamour and that metamour’s wife.

13:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 375: Minx’s big announcement

 

Our handfasting ceremony journal and ribbons

Our handfasting ceremony journal and ribbons

Minx and LustyGuy share a personal announcement

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Host chat

Welcome our sponsor, GetSTDTested. Use code polyweekly to save 10% at checkout!

4:30 Topic: Minx’s big announcement

Minx, LustyGuy and L are headed to Costa Rica for their commitment ceremony, with L officiating. Minx and LustyGuy share stories of how it came about and some of the mononormative pitfalls they ran across.

22:45 Happy Poly Moment

Kev shares stories of poly meetup groups in Sweden for fikas as well as a poly pub crawl, something we should implement in Seattle! Swedish Poly Organization

26:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 374: Four mistakes couples make when opening up

 

Marcia Baczynski and Minx at CatalystCon West 2013

Marcia Baczynski and Minx at CatalystCon West 2013

How to avoid the classic mistakes couples make when trying nonmonogamy

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Host chat

Nothing to see here; move along!

2:00 Interview: Four mistakes couples make when opening up with Marcia Baczynski

Thanks to Marcia for sharing with us these four tips! Where to find Marcia:

And here we go! The classic mistakes:

  1. Not knowing what you want. Poly may mean different things to different folks. Take the time to talk about what you want and direct the picture in your head; this also means you develop terminology for future discussions. It’s also useful to take stock of your current relationship.
  2. Going too fast. Many couples move way too fast, and a few move too slowly. Find your comfortable pace. This isn’t about restrictions; it’s about taking the time to enjoy experience, as with any romance. Enjoy the journey! Take the time to find your comfort zone rather than diving in headfirst.
  3. Avoiding jealousy. Don’t ignore the truth of negative emotions because you think it makes you a bad poly person. That only leads to uncomfortable situations. No one is too “good” to be jealous. Just admit and deal with your jealousy.
  4. Trying to be the perfect poly person. Feeling that you have to be perfect either for your partner or to prove that poly was a good choice for you are both self-destructive beliefs to hold. Nothing beats admitting your emotions. Practice some tough love on yourself! No one was perfect at poly the first (or even the last) time they tried it. Be willing to be vulnerable.

35:20 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 373: Sex positive blowout at CatalystCon West

Cunning Minx, Dr. Jocelyn Elders, Lynn Comella at #ccon

Cunning Minx, Dr. Jocelyn Elders, Lynn Comella at #ccon

What is going on in the sex positive world?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Host chat

Welcome to our new affiliate sponsor, GetSTDTested.com Use code “polyweekly” at checkout for a discount! Or just click on the banner in the right sidebar. :-)

5:00 Topic: Sex positive mojo at CatalystCon West

 28:15 Feedback

  • Jason in Wisconsin shares how he and his wife came to get over the poly hump
  • Herbalwise comments on the legalities of marriage from episode 354
  • Vir asks about how to cope when a partner passes away

 36:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter