PW 485: Do I end my marriage to try poly?

choosing a path

Is it worth it to end my marriage to try poly?

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:30 Announcements and host chat

Asexuality Awareness Week is October 23-29

Beyond the Love

4:00 Poly in the News

Survey: one in five people data non-monogamously

6:45 Topic: Do I end my marriage to try polyamory?

I am in my early twenties and have just discovered polyamory. It has been really liberating to discover that people live happily in this way an that I am not alone. There is one problem however: I am married and entered into the marriage with the understanding that we were both monogamous. My husband is not receptive to any of this, and it seems we want really different things. He wants to be the only one I love and the only one that I go to for everything, but I just feel I want more than he can give.  

I just want to be able to connect emotionally and physically with people as I see fit, and this is incompatible with the relationship.  How can I decide if poly is important enough to leave my marriage over?

How to bring up polyamory within a monogamous relationship

16:40 Feedback

  • Lean writes in to ask for more Relationship Anarchy content on the podcast
  • Linda calls in about the Supreme Court marriage equality decision in 2015
  • Audio from the mono part of a mono-poly relationship: folks in the community can be negative towards monogamists but otherwise, it’s a great community

23:00 Happy Poly Moment

  • A listener calls in to recount how she owned her shit during an episode of jealousy
  • A Mardi Gras Happy Poly Moment

28:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 484: Shifting time with changing partner priorities

Is it OK to shift one’s time commitments when one’s priorities shift?shifting time priorities

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Announcements and host chat

1:30 Poly in the News

8:45 Topic: Shifting time commitments as priorities change

A listener calls in to ask a question: since it turns out her partner isn’t available to be a live-in partner and she wants a live-in partner, is it OK/ethical to reduce the time she spends with him in order to make room for a potential live-in partner?

Things to consider:

  • It’s OK to want what you want
  • You get to decide what your priorities and boundaries are
  • Address the issue with all involved if/when it becomes reality, not before (don’t borrow trouble)
  • Ask for what you want and be prepared to hear yes, no or a counter offer

18:45 Feedback

  • AggieSez wrote in to share how she constructed and shares her user manual on EverNote
  • A listener calls in to ask for more podcasts on intersexuality

26:45 Happy Poly Moment

  • Anonymous wrote in for a happy metamour moment about being included and invited to participate in planning a party for a mutual partner
  • A listener calls in to share a happy metamour breakfast moment. No, metamours are not that scary!

30:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 483: Dealing with the gossip mill after coming out

8311963_sHow to deal with gossip and rumors after you come out as poly

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • Remedy the movie is now available to stream at http://www.remedyfilm.com/
  • We’re teaching How to Write Your Own User Manual Tuesday, August 23 at Seattle’s Center for Sex Positive Culture! Get tickets here.

4:15 Poly in the News

The poly professionals list has been updated! Huzzah! And also a great link to What Psychology Professionals Need to Know About Polyamory.

6:15 Topic: Dealing with the rumor mill after coming out as poly

IslandGirl calls in to ask how to deal with the rumor mill surrounding she and her wife coming out as poly—it was worse than when she came out as queer! What to do?

14:15 Feedback on episode 447 Poly People of Color

  • A listener calls in to ask for more episodes on poly people of color
  • S wrote in about the April 2016 issue of the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy to let us know it discusses the prevalence of Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) in two national samples of single Americans in which 21% of single adults in both studies have previously had a CNM relationship and ultimately concluding “The present results illuminate that almost one quarter of American adults engage in departures from monogamy at some point during their lives — and that engagement in these relationships is not unique to stereotypically privileged castes of U.S. society.”
  • Jen also wrote in with a story about when her economic privilege was called out.

26:10 Happy Poly Moment

  • Kristin writes about gaining self-awareness and self-confidence and improving her self-esteem through the poly process
  • Cate shares a lovely happy poly moment of getting a perfect card from her metamour during her goth wedding renewal with her husband

41:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 482: Dealing with a**holes in the poly community

How to deal with assholes in the poly communitylolcatfart

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Poly-ish movie reviews

Of The Ethical Slut: the web series from Joreth of Poly-ish Movie Reviews

7:00 Topic: Someone in the poly community makes me uncomfortable. What do I do?

Your choices are these:

  • If you have experienced abuse, report the person to a safety report, if your community has them. Alternatively, propose safety reports.
  • Leave the community entirely.
  • Choose to attend events where the person is less likely to show up.
  • Attend whichever events you like and cope with your unease.
  • Start your own poly event.
  • Limit your poly to private events with people you do trust—call three poly friends to go to a movie, for example.

14:30 Feedback on episode 475 on hierarchies

20:45 Happy Poly Moment

  • Orlando shares a polycule HPM
  • Sara from Sweden celebrates her first year of successful poly

24:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 481: How much poly prep do I really need?

How much prep does one really need to do before trying poly?

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lolcatready
Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:30 Host chat

We tried and failed at a new audio setup. Stay tuned for the newer, better setup next week!

2:35 Topic: how much poly prep do I really need?

A listener writes in to ask: do I really need to be perfect before I start poly? Perfectly mentally healthy, stable, communicative and all that? Is it really worth all that effort? Why can’t I just dive in?

14:40 Feedback

A listener calls in asking for more poly over 50!

15:50 Happy Poly Moment

LustyGuy shares his HPM involving last week’s heart attack and ER visit.

18:35 Thank you!

Thanks to Helen for the generous donation!

19:15 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@gmail.com!

PW 480: Traversing gender with Lee Harrington

Let’s talk about transgender journeysC-KiltedPhotography-square

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:30 Host chat

3:30 Interview: Lee Harrington on transgender journeys

TraversingGender_web

Lee Harrington answers a ton of my questions about what we need to know about transgendered folks and how we can be allies, including:

  • Why did you write this book?
  • What has been your trans journey?
  • How can I be an ally for you/trans folks like you?
  • Who is the book written for?
  • What did you learn from writing the book?
  • Any trans sex tips for us?
  • How do we ask how to arouse a trans partner? (Spoiler: “how do you like to be touched?”)

Find his book Traversing Gender: Understanding Transgender Realities and Lee’s website here. Also his Facebook, Twitter,  Pinterest, Tumblr and Instagram.

34:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@gmail.com!

PW 479: What you need to know about diversity in poly

Kevin PattersonLet’s talk about diversity in polyamory

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:30 Host chat

6:30 Poly in the News

Poly Relationships May Be the Future of Love in the BBC

7:30 Interview: what you need to know about diversity in poly

Koe Creation arranged this interview with Kevin Patterson, creator of the Poly Role Models blog on Tumblr. We talk about how racial identity surfaces in poly, how to encourage diversity within your own poly groups and a few things you need to know about awareness.

33:30 Feedback

Is it true that polyamory is comprised of “primarily borderline personality disorders, mental illness, needy, or narcissists?”

37:40 Thank you

Thanks to Eric and Max for their donations!

38:45 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@gmail.com!

Bonus: Minx’s Bawdy story

Bonus content! Minx’s Bawdy story

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A special Poly Weekly bonus: Minx’s Bawdy story, told at Bawdy Storytelling Seattle in May, 2015.

Navigating your first poly relationship [SLIDESHARE]

Please enjoy these slides from our popular new class, Navigating Your First Poly Relationship.

Pondering your first foray into the wild and wooly world of non-monogamy? Dazzled by the buffet of terms, or confused about how one person’s polyamory rubs up against another’s open relationship while yet another’s relationship anarchy is looking interesting across the room? Join Cunning Minx and LustyGuy as they take you on a guided tour of your first poly relationship. Learn how to identify, communicate and negotiate your needs and expectations, how to deal with changes in yourself and your relationships and what kinds of questions you should be asking yourself and your prospective partners.

Who should attend:

  • Solo polyamorists
  • Couples considering polyamory
  • Couples or tribes involved in their first or second poly relationship
  • Experienced polyamorists with partners who are new to poly
  • Monogamists or the poly-curious

How to deal with poly experience shock

Poly Pitfall: Experience Shock

There are many, many pitfalls to relationships in general and to polyamorous ones in particular. One of the dynamics LustyGuy and I often see (and experience) in new poly relationships is what he has termed “experience shock.”

What is experience shock

“Experience shock” is the disparity between your expected response to a new situation and your actual response. It’s what happens when you think about how you believe you will feel when [X] happens, but when [X] does happen, you feel completely differently. The shocked person can then feel a significant amount of cognitive dissonance and even guilt or shame for the sin of not having been able to accurately predict how they would have felt in a completely new situation.

Here’s an example: My partner is going to Burning Man without me, and we talk about how I will feel if he meets someone special there. I say I’d be happy for him; go have fun. But when he comes back home in full love-goggle mode about a new girlfriend who lives in Utah, I feel jealous and insecure.

And now I’m ashamed about feeling petty and jealous when I said I would be happy for him. Which I should be, right? Because I’m a good poly person, and I want to be happy for him.

New class: Navigating your first poly relationship, Friday, June 24, 2016

Why experience shock happens

experience shockExperience shock happens for a very obvious reason: we’re bad at predicting how we might react in new situations. Life doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Many factors contribute to experience shock, including:

  • Lack of information If you’ve never been in the situation before, it’s unlikely you will have enough information to accurately predict your behavior.
  • Contributing factors If I had a bad day at work or a fight with my mom while my partner is at the burn, it will affect how I feel about the new situation.
  • My worst fears It’s very common for one’s own worst fears to come to the forefront during times of stress, and those fears likely have nothing to do with the reality of the situation. In the absence of information, our worst fears are happy to provide a substitute for reality.

How to deal with experience shock

  1. Relax First, breathe. Relax. Everyone experiences this at some point. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you human. Everyone experiences negative emotions at some point, and it’s perfectly OK to experience them. It doesn’t make you a bad person, and it doesn’t make you bad at poly. It just means that you are a human being.
  2. Ignore the “should” Next, ignore the voice that tells you what you should be feeling. Everything you are feeling is OK.
  3. Ask for a hug If possible, ask your partner for a hug or a touch. Physical connections can make negative emotions much easier to deal with.
  4. Describe what you’re feeling Take the time to describe the emotion you are feeling. Sometimes, it’s helpful to describe where you feel it — I tend to feel jealousy in my chest. Others feel it in their stomach or their necks. Others look at me like I’m crazy when I ask about where they feel it.
  5. State the fear If you are experiencing a negative emotion, chances are it’s based on a fear you have. Instead of avoiding the fear, face it. Say out loud what you are afraid of. “I’m afraid that she will replace me.”
  6. Drill down Next, drill down into the fear. What will it mean if that fear comes to pass? “I’ll have to watch as I slowly lose him to her.”
  7. And then what? Ask “and then what” until you get to the point of ridiculousness: “And then… I’ll lose him and everything we have. And I’ll have to move out. And I’ll be alone. And I’ll never love anyone ever again. And I’ll die homeless and alone.”

You’ll find that, while this won’t completely dissolve your discomfort or negative emotions, bringing them into the light in this manner does make them much more manageable.

And above all, forgive yourself for having experience shock. Even the best of us go through it.

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