The new Polyamory Weekly #130: Why get married? is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #130

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments.

2:00 Announcements

  • Nan Wise, the Love Coach, is giving a seminar on Operational Intelligence: Understanding and Managing our Emotional and Sexual Systems, Wednesday, November 14th, in New York at the META Center. $30 to enter; $35 at the door. Email for more info.
  • If you haven’t seen it already, the Boobs, boobs, boobs video, a boobiesexual delight, is up on YouTube to promo Polyamory Weekly. More poly-oriented videos will come as I/we the team have time to create them, but if you like, take a look and (also if you like) link to it from your blog or site. Thanks!

5:45 Chat with Nobilis: Why get married?
Nobilis and Minx discuss marriage and listener feedback on his ideas; 9:30 E calls in to say that people bother to get married because of the hundreds of legal rights accorded to married couples; Nobilis advocates taking apart the components of marriage instead of seeing it as all one blob and deciding what aspects of marriage the government wants to reward and why
14:15 Laura (who asked about the point of marriage at all to begin with) calls in to comment that a lot of bitterness in divorce could be avoided if we could have a ritual or contract that ends earlier or at a specific point; Nobilis says that we need a way to renegotiate our relationships as time goes on and compares marriages to our process for reevaluating our elected officials; he comments that any relationship ending will be painful, but negotiating the hole can help with ameliorating the pain of feeling like a failure
25:00Raina suggests negotiating marriages in advance instead of after the fact and choosing the type of marriage–a year and a day, lifetime, etc. and taking the type of relationship into consideration; Nobilis comments that a lot of our ideas of marriage come from an era when the wife needed protection; Minx and Nobilis discuss how to construct a household and who gets what rights
37:00 Dollfan wrote in doubting the “magic number” in terms of itch–seven years? four? two? nothing specific and not necessarily related to the amount of time to raise children; Nobilis tells of a culture in which a man coming of age is married to an older, infertile woman whose job is to teach the man to become a good husband, and the marriage is dissolved when the man is ready for marriage

If you like the bumper music for Nobilis’ and my conversation, it’s We Are Together by Quebb, available for free download from Podshow

45:00 Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Thanks for listening!


Commenting area

  1. I find it very interesting that in our society, marriages are ONLY expected to end bitterly, either in death or horrible, angst-laden divorce. A good friend of mine is leaving her husband because she doesn’t love him, he doesn’t treat her well, and the sex is lousy. No beating, no cheating, but she is unhappy and unfulfilled as things are. Yet her friends keep telling her “You aren’t ready to divorce him. You don’t hate him yet!”

    I’m lucky. My divorce was final the first of this year and when the judge gave his pronouncement we hugged each other goodbye and then went on with our lives. The bailiffs told us we were the “happiest divorced couple” they had seen. As I told them, we got out of it before we hated each other. This is where the “make it work at all costs” approach to traditional marriage is a travesty and does so much damage to the people involved.

    A contract-based approach to marriage is far too radical a change for how our society constructs love and romance today. Any suggestion – even prenuptial agreements – scream “failure” to our idealized romantic notions of love. But what discussions like this do accomplish, is to explore the fact that traditional marriage is an illusion, that the lavish weddings and death-till-us-part approach is as realistic as the ACME holes that Wile E Coyote put on rock walls in the Road Runner cartoons. Ignore the illusion and you’re likely to run head first and full steam into something really, really painful.

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