This week’s Poly Weekly #169: Quit hurting my partner! is all about how to deal with getting angry that your partner is hurt emotionally by your metamour.

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at

2:50 Topic for the day.  “What do you do if your metamour is hurting your partner”

5:50 this topic was brought up by Maverick when he called in with his comments.  He commented that his rage became “all consuming” if his partner is being hurt.  This caused Minx some disturbance and she suggested a therapist.  However, wow on the responses to this advice.

6:45 Maverick calls in and apologizes about his comments and says he is not somebody to raise his hand in anger and thanks Minx for her comments.

10:07 a caller called in to talk about this subject.  He felt Minx missed the point of the call and noted that he also has felt a “reverse-frubble” when something bad is happening to his partner/partners/metamours

12:10 Mike called in and was a bit offended.  He felt Minx invalidated Maverick’s feelings out of her own fear.

14:30 Minx brings up that when you are comforting your partner resist the urge to say “that <blank> was always an asshole>

15:50 Sam wrote in and felt that Maverick took a risk to expose his anger and feelings and was a bit offended by Minx’s response.

18:20 Minx discusses more ways of dealing with this “anti-frubble” feeling.

19:50 The next part of the show is feedback on episode #166

19:57 Muskrat calls in about episode 166 and points out tha everybody should be aware of the possible discomfort in others. He also mentions PDA also depends on settings.

24:40 Minx brings up some really good points on this especially from the perpsective of the new person/secondary.

26:14 Wolfpeach wrote in and loved the rant about the word “OK.”

28:24 Rob from Australia called in and suggested using “chapter marks” in the podcast.  Unfortunately, that requires saving the file in a format that is not supported by anything but Mac.

  • Poly Weekly Dragon*Con Meetup is Gordon Biersch Brewpub, Sunday Aug 31, 11:30 a.m.
  • Minx will be speaking at Dragon*Con on building community through podcasting/social media on Friday at 7:00 p.m. and on the Sex/Adult blogger/podcaster panel Saturday at 10:00 p.m.

Topic: Quit hurting my partner
A redux of Maverick’s question from Poly Weekly 166, how do you deal with getting really angry when your partner is hurt emotionally by her metamour?

Feedback: PW 166, dealing with PDA by metamours

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”


Commenting area

  1. Hi Minx!

    I’ve just finished listening to episodes 166 and 169. I imagine you’re sick of responses to the topic of dealing with metamours who hurt your partner. But I still feel like the subject has received inadequate treatment.

    In your responses, it felt like you were assuming that the metamour and your sweetie have broken up. But what if they haven’t? What if they keep on fighting, or the metamour keeps on hurting your sweetie, but your sweetie chooses to stay in the relationship?

    It may be that you’re hearing a very warped version of what is actually going on — it may be that the fights are very two-sided, rather than one mostly hurting the other. But that doesn’t change how difficult it can be to watch such a situation unfold.

    What I’ve described is exactly the situation I’ve lived with for the last nine months. I struggle with anger at the metamour for hurting my partner, anger at my metamour for not breaking up with hir partner, and frustration at the ways in which their fights are affecting my relationship with my sweetie. I feel guilt for not seeing the signs of problems earlier and veto-ing the relationship while it was still new. I feel fear that my partner is presenting our relationship in a similarly negative light to the metamour. I feel fear that my reactions are making the situation worse, but I also fear that, given the way my partner talks about the relationship, the fact that zie hasn’t broken up with the metamour means that zie will never do so. In other words, I no longer trust my partner to look after hirself, or to defend our relationship when a new partner crosses the line (wherever our lines may be).

    I also at one time viewed this metamour as a friend. But the metamour has drawn a very firm boundary of being unwilling to talk about our partner with me — especially the details of either of our relationships. Any attempts to talk about the situation with hir, even in the meta, has been a disaster. Now I avoid interacting with hir as much as possible, which makes things awkward for all three of us.

    I often struggle with whether or not I should attempt to veto the relationship, in spite of its duration, but I’m not writing to ask for advice on that. Instead, I thought it might be interesting to get suggestions from people’s own experiences about how to cope with an ongoing situation like this.

    And Minx, thanks for the podcast show. It’s lovely.


  2. Cunning Minx October 13, 2008 at 12:24 pm · ·

    Yes, this is a tough one. Since you’re not asking for advice and I think I’d just reiterate stuff I’ve already said (set your own boundaries and stick to them, be open with your communication, yadda yadda yadda), maybe you should start a thread in the forums and get advice/thoughts from several different poly people, not just me?

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