This week’s Poly Weekly #222: Metamours & Change.

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at

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The Fresno CA Polyamory group meets the Third Friday of every month (excluding November and December) at the Round Table Pizza on First and Bullard at 7:00pm.

Franklin Veaux
Boone Dryden

Topic: Dealing with metamours in a changing relationship
Listener calls in to ask for advice with a situation in which she begins dating Sean when he and Jill were broken up. When Sean and Jill reconcile, Jill doesn’t wish to have a child while unmarried, so they marry with caller’s blessing, who hopes Jill will then be happy and secure. However, Jill continues to be even more hostile towards the caller. What to do?

Hosts bring up the issues of assumptions: what does marriage mean to you? Where do you see each person’s place in the new relationship?

Happy poly moment of the week!
EdgesBiz: seeing three loving faces after orgasm
Katie: family support after ACL injury

Feedback: Poly Weekly 219: Success and Divorce
Frances and Jazmin offer Steve Pavlina support via Facebook
“Needing a cuddle”
• “Fuzzy”
• Eynstein suggests “tjØnndau” or “shundy”
Doolies called in about getting love and support during an HSV episode

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Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”


Commenting area

  1. Minx sounded bitter about life as a secondary and coming in second to the primary relationship this podcast. Which, having heard her history, I can totally sympathize with. Not all of us primaries are dismissive of their partner’s OSOs though.

    I have almost the opposite problem. I’m a metamour who feels as if she’s coming in second. Usually I don’t begrudge my partner’s partner her time with him, but lately it has been a rough time at our house. I’ve come in second to his work, to our kids (always to the kids…part and parcel of being a parent), and to her needs and insecurities. I don’t know how to ask him for extra time for me without robbing her of much needed time and comfort.

    I think the time crunch works both ways. Not just taking time away from a secondary (or other partner as I think of her), but time taken away from the primary relationship. Frequently (in my house at least) the primary relationship is put on hold because it’s always been there, and it will *always* be there. So better to spend extra time focusing on the secondary who is in need and feed the primary relationship in between the work and kid crises.

    (My apologies for the use of primary and secondary. Those are not the terms I typically use when thinking of our relationships, but they do make explaining the intersections easier.)

  2. Cunning Minx January 3, 2010 at 3:28 am · ·


    Oh, you noticed the bitter, did you? So true! That’s why I’m grateful for the cohosts with their varied experiences!

    I’ve actually seen that. When I was a secondary, I was always worried that the wife was being taken for granted, and I did all I could to make sure that they had special time, too.

    Is it positive to say that I look forward to being the neglected wife/primary some day?


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