How not to be a giant douche on FetLife

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly


Under 18? Stop listening now and visit

1:00 How not to be a douche on FetLife

Best practices for getting FetLife booty and not being pegged as a douchebag:

  1. Tell us who you are.
    • a. Complete your profile before sending messages to anyone else.
    • b. Have a profile picture that looks like you (not your cock, girlfriend, slave or favorite cartoon character, YOU.)
    • c. Include photos that are primarily of you or your work. This does not include photos of the last 20 girls that sucked your cock. It does include toys you made, pretty rope work and artistic shots of scenes that convey a strong emotion and your own personality.
    • d. List your fetishes.
  2. Pay attention. Read a person’s profile before you message him/her. If the person is smart enough to specify what he/she does and doesn’t like in terms of approach, offers and play, read and respect that. Modify your opening message accordingly.
  3. Be civil. Being confrontational and aggressive or writing in all caps doesn’t make you a hot top, and no one is falling for it. No experienced bottom will associate aggression from a stranger as hot, safe, sane or sexy.
  4. Participate. FetLife is a community. Join groups that you find interesting and participate in discussions (see #3). Show that you’re not just kinky online or in private but an active member of the local scene with other people that know and trust you.

16:15 Movie review: Head in the Clouds

Joreth reviews Head in the Clouds as a poly-friendly movie.

20:30 Feedback

  • Grace asked how to handle mundane things like chores and finances.
  • Blake wrote on episode 288 on geeks and kink in to make a correlation between a creative, open mind and sexual late-bloomers, “I think being kinky and geeky totally makes you more intelligent than the average person.”
  • Angel responded to Matt’s rant against marriage in episode 288 to clarify a personal take on marriage: “To us a wedding is a chance to celebrate your relationship publicly with other people.”

28:00 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”


Commenting area

  1. Hi, Minx! I emitted a squee of delight when I saw this week’s topic. I’d like to add a few suggestions for consideration:

    Recognize that not everybody on Fetlife thinks of Fetlife as a dating site. I don’t, for example, and the most problematic messages in my inbox are from people who assume I am looking for new partners. To me, Fetlife is more akin to Facebook than it is to OKCupid.

    Here’s a quote from Fetlife founder John Baku himself:

    “It’s not a dating site, it’s an anti-dating site,” he deadpans. “If you do meet somebody through FetLife, it’s because you had good conversations in a group and hit it off. Any other way is purely about sex.”

    It may seem counter-intuitive to create a site for kinky people that’s actually not about hooking them up to have kinky sex. But, says Baku, it works: “Because of this, we have an unconventionally large number of women on the site. The majority of dating sites have under five to 10 per cent women, but we have a ratio of almost 50-50. Or let’s say 40-50, when I put in the genderqueer, male-to-female and female-to-male people.”

    One more:

    For those of us who relate to Fetlife as a kinky Facebook, your behavior in groups and threads matters. Nobody loves it when groups devolve into mean-spirited namecalling. Because Fetlife is a place where people come to talk about sex and sexuality, it pays to be a little more gentle. Our sexuality is so close to the core of our being that it’s hard not to take things personally. Be sweet to people who are trying to find their way. It’s good karma.

  2. “Recognize that not everybody on Fetlife thinks of Fetlife as a dating site.”

    That’s an excellent point – just because you only use Fetlife to look for a partner, that doesn’t mean everyone else is. Shockingly enough, other people often want different things than you do.

    I wouldn’t restrict these tips to just getting Fetlife booty, they’re good advice no matter what you’re looking for.

    My suggestion is to add that getting to know someone on Fetlife is a process of give and take – you ask questions, you answer their questions, ideally you volunteer some information. Just asking someone ‘hey, wanna play?’ won’t generally get you anywhere.

    Also, keep in mind that every comment you make on someone’s picture, every post you make in the groups shows up on your profile. Do you want a prospective date to look at your profile and see that you got yourself into a flame war and started name-calling like a child, or that you bash people’s pictures if you don’t share their kinks?

  3. Really, like this is just for fetlife, try not to be a douche in real life and you wont have any problems in the virtual world 😉

Comments are now closed for this article.