Marcia Baczynski and Minx at CatalystCon West 2013

Marcia Baczynski and Minx at CatalystCon West 2013

How to avoid the classic mistakes couples make when trying nonmonogamy

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1:00 Host chat

Nothing to see here; move along!

2:00 Interview: Four mistakes couples make when opening up with Marcia Baczynski

Thanks to Marcia for sharing with us these four tips! Where to find Marcia:

And here we go! The classic mistakes:

  1. Not knowing what you want. Poly may mean different things to different folks. Take the time to talk about what you want and direct the picture in your head; this also means you develop terminology for future discussions. It’s also useful to take stock of your current relationship.
  2. Going too fast. Many couples move way too fast, and a few move too slowly. Find your comfortable pace. This isn’t about restrictions; it’s about taking the time to enjoy experience, as with any romance. Enjoy the journey! Take the time to find your comfort zone rather than diving in headfirst.
  3. Avoiding jealousy. Don’t ignore the truth of negative emotions because you think it makes you a bad poly person. That only leads to uncomfortable situations. No one is too “good” to be jealous. Just admit and deal with your jealousy.
  4. Trying to be the perfect poly person. Feeling that you have to be perfect either for your partner or to prove that poly was a good choice for you are both self-destructive beliefs to hold. Nothing beats admitting your emotions. Practice some tough love on yourself! No one was perfect at poly the first (or even the last) time they tried it. Be willing to be vulnerable.

35:20 Wrap up

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Commenting area

  1. As part of a newbie couple, I appreciate this list! (And can relate to the “move too slowly” part of mistake 2.)

  2. Happy to hear it! The more common issue is moving too quickly, but plenty of people end up talking about poly for years before they actually get out to practice it.

  3. Four great points…I think openness and honesty are key! Look forward to reading the “course on nonmonogamy”

  4. Direction needed. My partner and I have been together for ten years in December, we have what I call a perfect relationship, supportive and loving in every aspect. About a year ago we decided to bring in a third sexual partner due to he and I both being of the same sexual nature as far as position sexually. I thought that sex was different from love, but after having several sexual partners shared by my partner and myself, I have realized that what we are truly missing is a meaningful committed relationship with a third person that is of a different sexual nature as far as position sexually and develop a loving relationship with meaningful sex and sharing our lives equally with the three of us. I think we may have found the perfect guy for us, I just need some direction on making sure we all stay on the same page. Sorry to go on and on.. Thanks, Donald 1/3 of what I hope to be a loving long lasting relationship.. Forgive me is this is not the appropriate area to ask questions for advice..

  5. Cunning Minx November 13, 2013 at 8:28 pm · ·


    Facebook is better for advice. But the quick answer is to be totally unafraid of asking for what you want and need and listening to your partners when they do the same. Thank them for every confidence; honesty is hard! If you keep up communication on a daily basis, drama can easily be quashed.

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