How bad is it if I like someone who is monogamous?Dogs-Love-Cats

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1:00 Host Chat & Announcements

3:00 Poly in the News

You Me Her, a polyromantic comedy, debuts March 22

4:15 Topic: Do I have to date my species?

A listener calls in to say he’s married and poly but is interested in dating his ostensibly single, monogamous friend. How bad will it be? Well, no one can say for sure, but our Facebook poll indicated that 5 people say hell, no; 12 say “I tried it and it didn’t work;” 5 indicated success and 2 were in the process.

It definitely poses a risk of drama and heartbreak, but if you and your wife are up for it, go in eyes open.

12:00 Happy poly moment

A listener writes in to tell a tale of bravely dealing with a difficult situation by welcoming her metamour to make her husband happy.

16:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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  1. Minx,

    I’m new to your show and love it! Thank you… I’ve been poly for about a year now. Not as a couple but as a realization about myself and my desires for freedom that has been the most freeing and natural progression in my life. I feel like I have come out of the closet and can finally be honest with myself, my family, my partners, friends etc., after several terribly painful, possessive, monogamous relationships. Anyways, my question that I would like to address to you is about helping others who might have the same tendencies I do. Many people are curious about how it works, having two boyfriends, or they say that I just haven’t found the right person yet (ugh). Others seem amazed, and almost jealous that I have found this freedom and own it! I talk to so many people in monogamous relationships that are suffering the same typical jealous, stifling, boring issues that could be easily solved with communication and openness to other relationships! Is there a good way to help a monogamous person see that? I don’t want to convert monogamous people into polyamory, I just want the same good feeling of freedom for those who seem to be displaying the same symptoms that I was before I discovered it. I don’t feel like I’m explaining it to justice and I can’t go tell them to read a book.
    Anyways, love your work!
    Kendall

  2. Kendall–

    Ah, yes. The dilemma: as a poly person, you are now the Official Poly Expert to everyone you know, whether you like it or not. You and you alone will determine their attitudes towards polyamory. Yikes!

    The main thing I can tell you is to focus on listening rather than talking. It seems counter intuitive, but often, they are asking about your life because of an issue they fear addressing in their own. So listen more than you talk. When they ask questions, answer them briefly, but reflect back, “Why do you ask?” or “What is this like for you?” And always, always, ALWAYS be respectful of people’s choices, even when you think they are blind idiots for making them. Always be respectful of monogamy as well as swinging, poly and yes, even cheating (many cheaters are good people who feel trapped by their choices and societal norms).

  3. Hi Minx. I’m always uncomfortable when you use the phrase “date your own species”. I guess it’s because it seems to transmit the message that polyamorists are a separate species from monogamists. Not that I disagree with the notion that dating people who do not self-identify as poly is a fraught. But I feel it sets up an exclusionary system where some people are “in” and some people are “out” which is something I have always been very against. And then you get into the uncomfortable conversation of what do you need in order to be “in” and who decides that anyway. You can see just how uncomfortable it’s getting already…

    My thought process is more that being poly is more a skill than an attribute. Less like being gay and more like being a triathlete. I tend to compare it to dancing. I was a salsa dancer for many years. Whenever I introduced my friends to dancing, about maybe 1 in 5 would actually take to dancing. That’s a bit sad (obviously we all wish that our success rate was 100%) but it’s not a bad thing. It’s just a fact of life. Sometimes people will get into the things you’re into, most of the time they won’t. Especially when doing inherently challenges who they are and what they take for granted.

    However, when we take the attitude of only dating your species or only dancing with other dancers, not only do we limit our pool of candidates considerably but, more troublingly, we essentially create an environment that hostile to newcomers and where there is a social stratification that can be very threatening not only to people who are new but people who are old too. I saw it all the time when I was dancing. We even had a name for it: we called them the salsa snobs. And they essentially would be the poison in the well. Because suddenly to dance with someone you had to prove you were “a dancer”. And suddenly it became very important how much experience you had, who would vouch for you, whether you knew all the lingo, etc. Essentially, you create an insular community and in my experience all insular communities end up self-destructing.

    Obviously I can’t stop anyone from being a “poly snob”. Everyone has a right to be as selective as we want to be with our potential partners. But I was the new kid on the dance floor once feeling judged by senior dancers and I was the new kid on the poly block lover once feeling judged by experienced polyamorists. And I never feel it’s an attitude that should be encouraged because, again, it poisons the well. Especially when it is enshrined as acceptable behaviour. The idea of “not being poly enough” is one that I find enormously problematic.

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