PW 497: How to advise a friend she’s about to step on a poly land mine

Advising a friend on a poly situationHow do you advise a friend she’s about to step on a poly land mine?

Download the mp3 directly


Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:30 Announcements

And at RelateCon in Boise March 31-April 2 use code POLYWEEKLY for a special discount

1:40 Poly in the news

8:05 How to advise a friend of a poly land mine

Emilia has a close friend A that she was interested in a relationship with. His partner C was monogamous and only tentatively open to casual sex with others outside their relationship. Then she met and became close friends with D, who then started seeing A. But D wanted a relationship with A and asked Emilia’s advice, who said D might get hurt because A and C only allowed casual sex outside their relationship.
You can guess what happened. Everyone broke up. And Emilia, who insists she was trying to help, was accused of being manipulative. Was there a better way to advise her friend of the poly land mine she was about to step on?

  • It’s OK to be jealous. You can be jealous (or envious) of someone else getting a relationship you yourself want.
  • Having rules made against you sucks.
  • In the future:
    • Ask for what you want. Tell A how you feel. Yes, you might lose the friendship.
    • Own your shit. Admit your bias, desires and jealousy to your friend D.
    • Be honest. If you fear it’s doomed, say so. ONCE. Then be 100% supportive.
    • Be kind. Be supportive of your friend. If the relationship is really doomed, she’ll need you. Do you best to put your envy aside and support her if you can.

17:20 Happy Poly Moment

Phillip shares a happy family poly moment.

 

19:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 467: Metamour awesomeness with L

LustyGuy’s wife L joins us for a repeat performance sharing her advice on being a great metamourcomic hands heart

Download the mp3 directly

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit

1:00 Host chat

  • We had a great time at InfinityCon!
  • If you want to book us to speak at your event, contact lustyguy@polyweekly.com

5:30 Poly in the News

7:00 Topic: How to be an awesome metamour with L

LustyGuy’s wife L joins us behind the microphone again to share her tips to being an awesome metamour.

Why bother getting to know your metmamour?

  • You get a happier partner
  • New friends
  • Keep your partner busy/happy doing things you don’t like
  • You have a co-conspirator
  • It’s the right thing to do

Advice:

  • Don’t get in the middle
  • Feel free to support your partner but say “not my problem; not my girlfriend”
  • Your partner is not someone to make rules for. Trust and communicate instead. The closest they get is “don’t be a dick.”
  • Take care of yourself
  • Recognize envy and ask for what you want
  • Assume good intent

38:20 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Ask Minx: How do I own my shit when I’m depressed?

Minx podcasting headshot 2013Hi Minx,

My partner and I have been together for nine years and poly for almost two years. Because of my depression, I don’t always feel very sexual. While this wasn’t the reason we decided to become poly, my partner feels like he should have other partners during these times to sleep with to “fill in the gaps”, so to speak. However, during these moments in my depression, I’m usually feeling incredibly volatile, and it’s at these times I feel my worst and most replaceable (not just in our relationship but in all aspects of my life), and I physically can’t go through the constant panic and anxiety attacks that means for me. I know one of the biggest aspects in the community is “owning your own emotions”, but how do you see one’s troubled mental health playing into that for continued success in polyamory? 

Depressed and distressed

Dear D&D:

While it’s true that we talk a lot about owning your own shit, there is another issue at play here. In the case of health issues, I’d recommend a slightly different tack. And I’m using the word “health” instead of “mental health” because in truth, there isn’t much difference between a physical and a mental ailment. It’s all biology, right?

It’s rarely a good idea to use polyamory to fix a problem in a relationship. (We call this the “relationship broken; add more people” model.) It’s unwise and unkind to try to use other people to “fill in the gaps” in your current relationship–and it almost never works out the way you think it will! Instead, I’d recommend working on two things: first, on managing your own health and second, on developing coping techniques for your partner.

First, the issue of your health condition. We typically recommend addressing any relationship and any chronic health issues before opening up a relationship to polyamory. As with dating monogamously, the goal is to present your best self as well as a happy, stable couple to prospective partners. So take the time to address and stabilize your health issues before trying polyamory. Work with your doctor to better manage your depression. As LustyGuy always says, “Biology comes first.” Your depression isn’t currently well managed, and that will only make dating and polyamory unnecessarily difficult, for you, your partner and your new dating prospects. As you say, you currently have no control over your emotions, and that’s not a good position to be in when dating (or when your partner is dating). It’s OK—nay, essential—for you to take care of yourself first.

Once you’ve figured out how to manage your condition and have developed tried-and-true coping mechanisms for any depressive episodes, you’ll be able to consider dating and having your partner date. But for now, please take care of yourself.

Second, there is the issue of your partner feeling something lacking in your relationship. Even when your depression is well managed, the fact that your partner feels your relationship is lacking from time to time is a separate issue. Please work with your therapist and your partner to figure out a good coping strategy for your partner when you have a depressive episode. LustyGuy, L and I each have chronic conditions that arise on occasional (and often inconvenient) times, and we each have strategies for coping with them when they arise. We each are able to express support and love to our partners while revising our own plans accordingly and relatively painlessly. You and your partner should strive to do the same. And before you know it, you’ll be handling your condition like a pro, and your partner will be supporting you merrily all the way!

Ask Minx: What’s the line between venting and gossiping?

Minx podcasting headshot 2013Minx:

My partner has a concern: that I will “run to” my other partners and gossip about him when things aren’t great in our relationship. I can admit that gossiping is one of my shortcomings. I find a lot of value in being open about my life and the things I am thinking about and struggling with, but I understand (in theory) that others want or need more privacy, that my venting might interfere with that privacy. So how do I find the line between venting and gossiping? Maybe seeing this in a new light will help me curb my behavior.

–Babbling B

A good general policy is not to talk about one partner to another, except to praise. LustyGuy is great at this–he is always singing L’s praises to me (and, presumably, mine to her).

Yes, it may SEEM like you should be able to vent harmlessly to your new friend/lover, who after all likes and respects your live-in partner, right? No. It doesn’t work that way. It ends up creating back alley alliances, fear, uncertainty and an environment of competition all around. After all, how could anyone trust you if they all know you’ll share the least flattering bits of your interactions with others, who don’t love them like you do?

Here’s a tip: make all your new partners aware of the no-venting-about-others policy and ask them to help you enforce it. In addition to training yourself to stop venting, train them to stop you when you start complaining and cut you off with, “this is not a conversation you and I are going to have” or “go tell him that” or just hand you the phone and say “call him!” If you need to get a poly-friendly therapist or have a non-partner friend as your established ventee, do so.

But your partners should only hear the best about each other from you. 

PW 455: Help! My partners keep triggering my PTSD!

29956140_sHow do you deal with partners whose screaming matches repeatedly trigger your PTSD?

Download the mp3 directly

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Host chat

Poly in the News

3:50 Poly in the News

6:05 Topic: Triggering PTSD

A listener writes in to ask what to do when her partner and metamour have screaming fights that trigger her PTSD.

16:00 Feedback

R writes in with a LOT of great information on furries! Everything you wanted to know about furries but were afraid to ask!

21:00 Happy Poly Moment

Lean in Berlin shares an adorable happy poly moment.

22:45 Thank you!

Thanks to Anthony for his donation!

23:30 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 418: Emotional abuse

How to recognize emotional abuse and support both survivors and perpetrators within the community survivelolcat

Download the mp3 directly

Update 2-20-15: Full transcript now available!  PW 418 Emotional abuse transcript

1:00 Host chat and announcements

I’ll be teaching Kicking Poly Drama in the Ass at Kinkfest 

1:45 Poly in the News

Suit filed to decriminalize unofficial gay marriages in Michigan

3:30 Interview: Emotional abuse

Shannon Perez-Darby, Youth Services Program Manager for The Northwest Network of Bisexual, Trans, Lesbian & Gay Survivors of Abuse, shares her advice on how to recognize abuse of all kinds and how to respond when you or someone you love might be surviving emotional abuse.

Emfett blog

34:30 Happy Poly Moment

Michael shares a lustful happy poly moment of seeing his spouse and his crush walking together

35:15 Thank you

Welcome GJ to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

36:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 411: Poly for the holidays

lolcat1How to handle your bio family during the holidays, with advice from FBI hostage negotiators

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

10:15 Topic: Poly for the holidays

How do you handle the family during the holidays when you’re poly? A few tips:

19:30 Happy Poly Moment

Julia shares her story of falling for a gal and then a guy and choosing to be honest about what she wanted instead of dumping one for the other. And it turned out great!

22:00 Thanks

Thanks to Taylor and Igor for their donations and welcome Doug as the newest Poly Weekly Playmate!

23:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 379: Owning your own shit

ShitHappensWhat does it mean to “own your own emotional shit”?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 HostChat

Minx and LustyGuy talk briefly about the holidays with their new blended family

2:30 Topic: Owning your own shit

Guillaume wrote in to ask what “owning your own shit/emotions/baggage” means exactly and for specific examples.

  • Owning your emotions involves taking personal responsibility for understanding, diagnosing and stating your emotions
  • It also requires recognizing that your emotions are primarily created within you rather than caused by someone else (except in cases of abuse)
  • Owning your own emotions is empowering and usually very much appreciated by your partners. Once you can name an emotion, you can do something about it.
  • However you feel is OK, including negative emotions such as pettiness, jealousy, envy, resentment and anger. Avoid “shoulds” and just accept how you feel.
  • Also, it’s important to let others own their own emotions. The proper response to a friend or partner owning an emotional response is, “Good for you for knowing that” and or “thank you.” Don’t argue, agree or pile on. At most, disagree by saying, “You are the expert on you. However, I haven’t seen in you that negative emotion you just described.”

17:15 Happy Poly Moment

We are blessed with two happy poly moments this week!

  1. K wrote in to share her gratitude that, when her partner and that partner’s kids ended up moving into her and her husband’s home, that everyone was supportive, happy and shared very nicely.
  2. Leelee shared a story of one metamour offering to go out of his way so she could see another lover. Very sweet!

21:00 Feedback

Steve offered feedback on episode 376 and gave us lots of food for thought!

  • How to address listener questions Minx’s philosophy on being a podcast host and her goals of helping listeners while providing useful content to others
  • Avoiding judgment LustyGuy chimes in and vehemently disagrees with Steve’s assessment, saying that we have no right to judge if someone else is “really” poly. Also he posits we should avoid making assumptions and judgments about the health of other people’s relationships, especially based on minimal information.
  • 31:45 When to speak up Minx and LustyGuy address when you SHOULD say something about a good friend’s relationship—if you are a very good friend and really fear a friend is on an unhealthy path, you should absolutely express your concerns. ONCE. And then (barring extreme situations such as abuse), stand by them no matter where the path leads them.

34:45 Thanks!

Thanks to Steve, our newest Poly Weekly Playmate!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 364: I’m in love and got vetoed!

What to do when your relationship is vetoed AFTER you fell in love

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Host chat

Showtime poly series starts a new season

Now we’re “stuck” with non traditional marriage

10:30 Topic: I’m in love but just got vetoed!

L writes in for advice. What do you do when you trust that the couple really is poly and end up falling in love with the guy, only to have his wife veto you a bit later when she breaks up with her own boyfriend?

  • This sucks and is unfair and unkind.
  • Lying about the nature of your relationship isn’t healthy.
  • Expecting him to leave her isn’t terribly healthy, either.
  • Accept and grieve the loss. Value yourself and the experience.
  • Next time, vet the couple to be sure each person is stable, fully embraces polyamory and is personally secure.

22:35 Happy Poly Moment

  • B in Seattle shares a Happy Poly Moment. British comedies FTW!
  • Cate shares a beautiful story of a metamour leaving a footprint of food and love. Want to win a metamour of the year award? Be a Hot Dish Elf!

26:00 Feedback

32:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 363: New to poly; same old drama

How does a poly and kink newbie handle dating a monogamous submissive?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Host chat

LustyGuy cohosts! And for some reason, we start talking about anal dildos.

2:00 Topic: I’m new to poly and kink and trying to date a monogamous partner covertly

Jason writes in to ask advice. He’s new to both poly and kink. He’s in love with a new married partner who identifies as monogamous, sees him without her husband’s consent and claims to no longer love her husband.

Minx mentions NLE = New Lifestyle Energy. The pull and power of the first poly and/or kink relationship can be exhilarating and overwhelming… and can lead to some bad decisions.

19:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?
CatalystCon West '15

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter