PW 285: Advice for poly newbies

What does a poly newbie need to know?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

2:00 Announcements

The forums will be shut down for a few weeks while we figure out a better way to give our moderators a rest from dealing with daily spam. Like the forums? Let us know! Don’t care? Um… still let us know!

4:30 Topic: Advice for Poly Newbies

Minx and Anita Wagner give advice for those new to polyamory. Recorded at Polycamp Northwest, a fantastic event near Seattle with 20% poly content and the rest is community-driven.

  • Meet poly people in the community and ask for advice
  • Read The Ethical Slut and Opening Up
  • Create a safe space to discuss and process reactions and emotions
  • Have a strong desire for self-knowledge
  • Avoid the “kid in the candy store” mentality when you first try poly
  • No major life decisions during NRE
  • More focus on communication, less on hard and fast rules

31:30 Comments on inviting Minx or Anita to speak

34:45 Feedback

Feedback on episode 281 on the Dan Savage article “Infidelity will keep us together.”

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Poly Weekly #204: Polyamory at Sex 2.0

This week’s Poly Weekly #204: Polyamory at Sex 2.0.

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

Chat: Sex 2.0
Minx recaps all the fun and education at Sex 2.0. Videos are up on Facebook

Topic: Polyamory in the Spotlight at Sex 2.0
Anita Wagner talks on polyamory in the spotlight at Sex 2.0

4:00 Minx gives us an overview on Sex 2.0 and then talks about some of the talks she sat in on.

8:30 Minx talks about the talks she did at Sex 2.0

10:55 Heads Up! We may be moving to every two weeks for a little bit. (the Minx be busy! -fs)

12:12 Anita Wagner talks about Poly
Anita talks about poly and perception in the mainstream media; Anita talks about print media, including
magazines and newspapers. She talks about the international impact. Anita talks about Steve Palima, self-help coach and his coming out poly

16:30 Anita talks about the various columnists and how they support polyamory.

(polyamory weekly? that sounds familiar….-fs)

19:20 Why is the media addressing polyamory? Looking for something new.
Pepper Mint wrote an article positing that polyamory is easier for the mainstream to swallow than things like kinks, swinging, etc.

21:40 Audience member asked Anita how she thinks the discourse has changed in the past ten years.

24:00 another audience member asks how poly people can distinct themselves from poly without marginalizing.

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

From Poly Living 2009: Making Lemonade: the Poly/Mono Journey

Anita Wagner and a group of couples in the round, speaking on poly-mono folks getting together:

What led you to be poly?

  • It’s a commitment to growth and opportunities for intimacy
  • What makes you poly? To Anita Wagner, if you feel you have the desire and ability to love more than one person at a time, whether you actually are at the time or not. It’s less about behavior than about identity and beliefs.
  • If I haven’t practiced but am curious by poly and fascinated by hearing about how others practice it, am I poly?
  • I am my own primary partner first. Wanting to explore intimacy to the depth of my being, not just physical but emotional intimacy as well (or instead).

What are the challenges you face in poly-mono relationships?

  • Reframing what commitment means
  • Resisting the urge to blame each other
  • Reestablishing trust
  • Figuring what to tell friends, family and children
  • Dealing with guilt from societal expectations
  • Dealing with “you deserve better than that” from others
  • For the mono partner, dealing with loneliness, shame, inferiority, confusion, feeling that the metamour is an intrusion to the relationship

Advice

  • Don’t pigeonhole monos or polys–we all do this for different reasons
  • Be aware that the metamour can get even more quality time than the existing partner because it’s set aside specifically–make sure the existing couple gets special, carved-out time, too
  • Don’t have an affair instead of talking to your partner about poly–your partner WILL find out, and trust will be destroyed
  • Don’t bring it up early and then drop the idea of poly for an extended period of time (say, 10 years) and expect your partner to be up to speed
  • Bring the subject up at least once a month for general discussion, even if you’re not actively pursuing another relationship at the time. Remember that people, their needs and their relationship dynamic changes subtly (or dramatically) over time. “I told you five years ago what I wanted” doesn’t cut it!
  • Be sure to get a good education in poly itself and in good communication skills–try Marshall Rosenburg’s Non Violent Communication

Poly Weekly #176: Poly and Proud

This week Poly Weekly #176: Minx takes us to Poly Pride NYC!.
Download the episode directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

Host chat: Poly NYC; Friday night’s Cuddle Party; hot three-way kisses at the after party; 9:00 Nikol from the Midwest Teen Sex Show moved to new york and had brunch; book reading at Blue Stockings bookstore; meeting Barbara Foster; the national poly leadership summit; if you would like to participate go to the poly NYC website and click on “contact us”

13:55 Interview: Justin
Founder of Poly NYC; cuddle parties; his own background and how he got started; some steps to organizing.

20:05 Interview: Alan from polyamory in the news!
the Polyamory Leadership meeting; when and why he started the Polyamory in the News blog; challenges in running it

28:10 Interview: Anita Wagner
Anita tells us about her talk “The Mainstreaming of Polyamory”; the good press that has been out there on polyamory lately; this current polymory movement to the free love movment of the 60′s; the choice of monogamy versus polyamory.

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

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Poly Weekly #151: Can you love two at once?

The new Polyamory Weekly #151: Can You Love Two at Once is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #151

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the new FORUMS at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

1:30 Host Chat
Looking forward to Sex 2.0 conference; introducing Alan’s segment from the Poly Living conference

3:30 Topic: Can you love two at once?
This stems from a Dear Abby question from a woman who says she is in love with two people at once and wonders if that is possible–just asking the question in this way shows progress. And Abby’s response isn’t too bad–she begins by saying that you can love two people for different reasons. She then shows her monogamous bias, but the openness with which the question is addressed shows a marked difference from past responses.

7:50 Report: Poly Living Conference
Alan of the Poly in the Media blog took a voice recorder to the Poly Living conference and brought us along for the ride!
9:00 Anita Wagner discusses her workshop on jealousy; she recommends communication, education and owning one’s own jealousy
11:20 Serena Anderlini-d’Onofrio discusses her workshop on bisexuality; Alan asks about being “bisensual” or “bi-intimate” without being bisexual
14:45 Michel Z talks about being more honest in relationships and when not to be 100% honest
16:15 C.T. Butler discusses the consensus decision-making process as a formal model for decision-making within a poly family; cooperation rather than competition
18:30 Deborah Anapol, the conference’s keynote speaker, points out that we need to live outside our conditioning and take charge of our own relationship decisions
Alan applauds that Loving More stepped in to take over the conference after George Marvil’s death–quit giving to the tobacco corporations, go to PolyLiving.org for next year’s conference; check LovingMore for their east and west coast retreats in the meatime

21:15 Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

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