PW 487: When independence hurts

when independence hurtsWhat to do if your independence hurts your partner(s)

Download the mp3 directly

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Host chat

3:00 Topic: When independence hurts

A listener writes in to ask what to do when one’s need for autonomy and personal time causes one’s partner grief.

LaRasa writes: “One of my biggest hang-ups is that because I have always been so independent, the current situation of mono life feels like a cage, but whenever I bring up the need for me time, she gives me the ‘hurt puppy dog’ eyes.”

We recommend using the Sunday Safe Space (great idea!) to do a full relationship check-in, including praise, gratitude and expressing appreciation for what is working well. Also:

  • Talk about specific behaviors, not broad generalizations (what exactly makes your life feel “like a cage”?)
  • Let each person own their shit; don’t assume an emotion due to the eyes
  • Innoculate, check in, iterate
  • Establish a “get home” ritual

19:45 Feedback

  • Joris writes in to criticize my reluctance on episode 393 to use the singular “they” (which is now no longer an issue) and to bring up the challenges gender queer folk have to deal with every day
  • Ourdane did as well and also called me out on gender stereotyping
  • Baltimore Sun editor on the singular “they”

32:45 Happy Poly Moment

  • The “Sugar Shack”
  • Going from DADT to happy metamours

38:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email!

PW 304: The intimacy-autonomy scale

What you need to know about the intimacy-autonomy scale and how it might be affecting your current relationship

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly


Under 18? Stop listening now and visit

1:00 Announcements

3:55 Interview: Kathy Labriola describes the intimacy-autonomy scale

Kathy Labriola, a poly counselor, nurse and hypnotherapist and author of Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships, shares her insights based on the intimacy-autonomy scale and how mismatches can cause misunderstandings in relationships. Need more autonomy and independence but matched with a partner with a higher need for attention and intimacy? Good advice all around. Find the book at Greenery Press or at the Stockroom (better than Amazon for authors!)

17:30 Happy Poly Moments

  • A listener writes in to share a Happy Poly Moment—discovering an old friend is actively poly: “It was so NICE to find someone “real”, someone I have known for years, to whom I had a relation out of the web or a meetup thing, who at least new what polyamory was… for the first time in years, we could talk with other people, face to face, about our opinions and experiences. Priceless.”
  • MG tells of running home to his lovely fiancée to tell her his girlfriend just said she loved him: “When I think back three years ago to the beginning of our poly adventure I couldn’t have imagined this. It makes all of the work that my fiancée and I put into working on or communication and jealousy issues (mostly me) worth it.”

20:45 Feedback

  • Scott, a listener in Australia, found us through Google+! And gives props to the HSV blues episode: “After contracting HSV from my first serious primary partner, I struggled a bit personally with it, and with what that meant about me and my lifestyle choice, and felt my ex’s condemning voice in the back of my mind. So it was refreshing to hear it put into an appropriate perspective.”
  • Gryphon writes in that Poly Weekly has taught him to be unafraid of asking for help and support and suggests the antithesis to NRE—Break Up Brain?

28:15 Thanks

Welcome Robin, Ryan and Nomputers to the Poly Weekly Playmates! And thanks to Jim and Bill for their donations to keep us running!

29:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?
CatalystCon West '15

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter