PW 395: Unbalanced triads

How do you cope when your new partner is more into your husband?cat_load_balancer_2

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

5:30 Topic: Triads

A listener wrote in to ask how to deal with being in a triad with a good friend when the friend seems to be more into her husband than into her. How do you keep yourself from feeling left out and excluded when she’s just not as into you?

Deal with this issue as if it were jealousy. Drill down to the root cause and figure out what the deep fear is. Try completing this:

When she is more into him, it means that I am _______________, and I’m afraid that that means that I am ____________ and that eventually, __________ will happen.

13:00 Feedback

Quath shares coming out stories.

15:00 Follow up to Minx coming out

Minx gets the inevitable family backlash to her coming out and shares her thoughts on the process and reactions.

20:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 394: Minx comes out!

4-lolcats-of-the-apocalypseMinx came out to her family in Texas. How did THAT go?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

6:15 Topic: Minx comes out to her family It turns out that other people’s interest in my dating life was greatly exaggerated. Quite anticlimactic! Funniest part was when my mom asked, “Why isn’t it too boys and one girl?”

15:00 Feedback

  • Christina writes in to ask if she can self-identify as polyamorous.
  • FiscalDom wrote in to criticize episode 387 Is Monogamy Natural?

23:00 Thank you! Thanks to John and welcome Erich to the PW Playmates! You make for a very happy Minx! Wrap upQuestions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 345: Poly for the holidays

How do you handle poly partners around the family?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • LustyGuy cohosts
  • Poly Prom in Richmond, VA, Saturday, March 9, 7:00 PM at the gay community center of Richmond Hall Info on FetLife

3:00 Topic: Poly for the holidays

How LustyGuy, L and Minx handled being out and in for holiday family visits. Tips: ask each person what he/she needs to feel happy and loved for the holiday and make sure each person gets those things. Take care of yourself first.

12:20 Happy Poly Moments

  • Lila shares a happy moment of coming out in defense of polyamory and bisexuality in her LGBTQ studies class. Great courage!
  • Hera shares her first poly experience

15:30 Feedback

  • Scott on the Swingset mashup episode argues that drama isn’t inherent in poly relationships, although LustyGuy points out that drama is common in first-time relationships, and first-time poly would fit the bill
  • Quick plug for Pedestrian Polyamory podcast if you’re not into kink or geekiness
  • Joreth called in to recommend hosting a poly movie night; her list of poly-themed movies is here
  • K shares his light bulb moment on the episode with Aggie on treating non-primaries well LustyGuy comments that change in a relationship should be welcomed and embraced because growth is essential for healthy relationships.

26:30 Thank you

Thanks to Joan, Ariane and Sean for joining the PW Playmates!

Outro

Our holiday outro music is Heat Miser by the Locals

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Facebook and poly privacy

Is it OK to list my relationship status as “open” on Facebook if my girlfriend isn’t out publicly?

This question came up in the Poly Weekly inbox this week. It’s one we’ve touched on on the podcast several times, but it’s worth a quick evaluation here on the blog as well. Social networking sites such as Facebook have really changed the definition of being “out.” Facebook currently has over 800 million users, Twitter has 250 million and even budding visual social site Pinterest crossed the 10 million user mark faster than any other site in history.

And since Facebook is notorious for having complicated privacy settings that are difficult to navigate and not entirely guaranteed to ensure privacy levels, online privacy on social sites is a growing concern.

Polyamory’s legal status

Now, in general, I’m not a fan of being too much in the closet. Unlike sexual orientation, however, polyamory isn’t a legally protected orientation. Practitioners can be fired or not hired due to their lifestyle and have no legal recourse. So keep in mind that apart from your family and friends discovering orientation through Facebook, your employment status may be at risk as well. After all, Facebook is the second most trafficked site in the world, and many recruiters use Facebook as a recruiting tool; it would be irresponsible of them not to take all the information available into consideration for future employment. (And users benefit from using Facebook for job hunting, too–that same infographic shows that 48% of job seekers have performed at least one job hunting activity on Facebook in the last year and that 16% received a job referral from a Facebook friend.)

Outside of Facebook, it’s also true that any responsible employer will Google new prospects and have access to any of your personal information that is publicly available, including anything you might have posted about your religion, sexual orientation, political views, and medical status. It’s not legal for an employer to ask for this information, but it is legal to Google a prospective employee and peruse publicly available information.

How open is OK?

So this is a case where your boyfriend’s openness could in fact affect not only your private family life but your ability to remain employed as well. Personally, I solved this issue by keeping two Facebook accounts–one vanilla one in which I’m listed as “single” and so can talk about dating, and my Minx account, which lists my open status and LustyGuy as my boyfriend (who links to his wife). However, I wouldn’t recommend that for most people. It’s cumbersome to manage two Facebook accounts and frankly wouldn’t be worth the effort for most users.

But the truth is that the internet and social sites such as Facebook have indeed changed things. Your boyfriend’s public open status does affect you in many ways, not the least of which is that now anyone with mutual Facebook friends can discover you are poly. For most people, this might be a public embarrassment or cause some eyebrow raises at the office or at Thanksgiving, nothing more. If that’s the case, no worries. But keep in mind that in addition to your your mom and grandma being able to discover your open status, that bitter ex-husband might also see that Facebook status. And unfortunately, that documentation has been used in child custody cases to argue against a person being a fit parent.

I don’t mean to be too gloom and doom here. The point is that since data lives forever online and Facebook has shameful privacy policies, it is perfectly acceptable–nay, it’s your responsibility–to discuss public online disclosures of your relationship status in order to protect your own privacy.

Rule of thumb

A good rule of thumb is the “grandmother rule”: assume that every piece of information you are putting online will be read by the one person you don’t want to see it (i.e., your grandma). Also, ask permission before posting any public information about a partner. It is a good idea to ask before you post:

  • Location information
  • Relationship status
  • Photos
  • Information about dates, parties or events

I’m curious about how others handle privacy and posting to social networks and other Googleable information. What is your policy?

Sex 2.0: Out: the challenges and rewards of being sex-positive

GraydancerFrom Graydancer‘s session at Sex 2.0:

  • “When you come out, you make yourself vulnerable to disapproval, criticism, and discrimination.” -Pat Califia
  • Coming out to partner/children: lead your children down a critical thinking path to determine where prejudices and biases come from
  • Downside of coming out to children: you become a resource for thing like anal sex
  • Best response from a family member: “I don’t approve of it, but I can see why you do it.”
  • Worst response from a family member: “You’re dumb.”
  • Tip: have at least one token vanilla friend
  • Great case study of someone who was out at work: Jack McGeorge, the openly kinky weapons inspector. When opponents tried to discredit him, his boss Hans Blix stood up for him and refused to accept his resignation
  • YKIOK = “your kink is OK”–a response Graydancer got when he came out at work
  • Others benefit from your living out loud: if someone has come out to a person before, it’s more likely that person will be more accepting/familiar with the idea the next time
  • What catalyzes change? Pride, self-esteem, self-disclosure
  • Sex-negative=don’t do anything to be ashamed of. Sex-positive: don’t be ashamed of the things you do

Poly Weekly 237: Personal Growth with Steve Pavlina

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Announcements

  • Poly Weekly iPhone app with PDF show notes and audio extras is available now!
  • Sex 2.0 is May 22-23 in Seattle! Just $50 now and open to anyone sex-positive.
  • Open Love NY has its next meeting April 27. For upcoming events, check out their Facebook group.

  • PolyCharms.com has some lovely poly-friendly jewelry
  • Ready to be a representative and spokesperson for polyamory to the press? Check out the Poly Media Association first for tips and training on dealing with the media and representing well.

Interview: Steve Pavlina
A talk with Steve Pavlina, personal growth guru, on his poly explorations, his coming out as poly on his blog, his pending divorce and the public reaction to it all

Happy Poly Moment
From Malx–taking care of a partner on a business trip

Feedback
From Sean on Poly Weekly 233: What is sex?

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Poly Weekly #186: It would be easier if…

This week Poly Weekly #186:It would be easier if….

Download the mp3 directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

1:38 Open Chat
Minx talks about her past year and the events that have affected her.

9:08 Poly in the blogs
Minx talks about Stever Robbins and his comments about being in a poly relationships Here is a link.

Steve Pavlina, another productivity blogger, came out as polyamory in his blog. Here is a link.

14:00 Today’s topic, “no resolutions”it would be easier if…”"
Minx talks about how the things we think might make life easier doesn’t always help us the way we hope. We need to decide to be happy, not wait for external circumstances to align before we are happy.

22:25 Listener Feedback: Episode 183
Anita Wagner wrote in and talked about her agreements and disagreements with Minx’s list. Minx agrees to read more Laurel K Hamilton books.

Caroline recommended Sing The Four Quarters by Tanya Huff, and The Door Into Fire series by Diane Duane.

Jason wrote in and talked about “Friday” his favorite Heinlein book. (When people talk about Heinlein they never mention Starship Troopers :( -fs)

27:30 Audio Comments
A listener called in to ask for a show topic around dealing with kinky or alternative when you are younger.

James called in to wish us a happy new year!
YoYo called in with a happy new year as well!

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?
CatalystCon West '14

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter