PW 302: When metamours attack

How to deal with a stonewalling and uncommunicative metamour

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

2:45 Topic: When metamours attack

Joreth, Puck and Minx address a tough situation: J starts dating a guy who is in a relationship with an older man, a respected tantric guru. Upon meeting J, the guru declares that she and the guy cannot have sex. A bit later, J and the guy have sex. She asks the guy if the guru was OK with it and then assumes it’s OK to have sex with the guy. She attempts to contact the guru but doesn’t hear back.

A bit later, she and the guy mess around in the place the guy and the guru share. The guru comes home and bans all communication between her and the guy. She makes more attempts to get the three of them together, but the guru does not accept her invitation.

Where did communication fail and what can we do to prevent this happening in the future? We recommend:

  • Own the communication with both your partner and your metamour. NEVER rely on your partner to communicate with your metamour on your behalf. That’s your job.
  • Trust but verify.
  • Know your own boundaries and negotiate with all parties involved. You have a right to know what the boundaries are, why they are there and when/if they will change.

22:00 Feedback – Episode 299, Poly Professional Woman

  • Gary points out that the poly professional man can have challenges dating the busy professional poly woman!
  • Vir suggests taking a high-level view of the work load, distinguishing work-for-pay (including school and homework) and maintaining-the-home. He suggests tallying the hours spent on all aspects and rebalancing the load when the situation shifts. For example, look at:
    • Travel time to and from work/school
    • Working outside the home (job/classes)
    • Paid work at home (professional work/homework)
    • Non-paid work maintaining the home (cooking, cleaning, shopping)

28:00 Thanks

Thanks to Samuel for his donation this week!

Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 292: How not to be a douche on FetLife

How not to be a giant douche on FetLife

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 How not to be a douche on FetLife

Best practices for getting FetLife booty and not being pegged as a douchebag:

  1. Tell us who you are.
    • a. Complete your profile before sending messages to anyone else.
    • b. Have a profile picture that looks like you (not your cock, girlfriend, slave or favorite cartoon character, YOU.)
    • c. Include photos that are primarily of you or your work. This does not include photos of the last 20 girls that sucked your cock. It does include toys you made, pretty rope work and artistic shots of scenes that convey a strong emotion and your own personality.
    • d. List your fetishes.
  2. Pay attention. Read a person’s profile before you message him/her. If the person is smart enough to specify what he/she does and doesn’t like in terms of approach, offers and play, read and respect that. Modify your opening message accordingly.
  3. Be civil. Being confrontational and aggressive or writing in all caps doesn’t make you a hot top, and no one is falling for it. No experienced bottom will associate aggression from a stranger as hot, safe, sane or sexy.
  4. Participate. FetLife is a community. Join groups that you find interesting and participate in discussions (see #3). Show that you’re not just kinky online or in private but an active member of the local scene with other people that know and trust you.

16:15 Movie review: Head in the Clouds

Joreth reviews Head in the Clouds as a poly-friendly movie.

20:30 Feedback

  • Grace asked how to handle mundane things like chores and finances.
  • Blake wrote on episode 288 on geeks and kink in to make a correlation between a creative, open mind and sexual late-bloomers, “I think being kinky and geeky totally makes you more intelligent than the average person.”
  • Angel responded to Matt’s rant against marriage in episode 288 to clarify a personal take on marriage: “To us a wedding is a chance to celebrate your relationship publicly with other people.”

28:00 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 291: Yes means yes

Going a step further for negotiating consent: yes means yes

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements

  • The Geeky Kink Event is November 4-6 in New Jersey, including D&D gaming and TARDIS bondage boxes in the play space!

2:20 Yes means yes

A look at a new campaign that takes “no means no” to a more proactive level: yes means yes. Cohosts:

Franklin Veaux

Joreth

Puck

Active Consent
Yes means yes blog
The contemps.com on yes means yes

Slutwalk London on yes means yes
CafePress

25:10

“Dinner Party” erotica minigasms. Like it and want more? Support the Minigasm project here!

30:45 Feedback

  • 30 year old male asks how to get past the self-doubt and criticism when exploring polyamory for the first time
  • Amanda asks how poly family’s kids can be taken away
  • Dave, a monogamous listener, says thanks!

42:00 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook or leave a comment here. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 274: Am I jealous?

Listener W writes in to ask: am I jealous, or is this situation unfair?

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Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:20 Topic: Am I jealous?

Wendy writes in to ask advice from the cohost team: am I jealous? She gets a certain number of hours a week with her top, and compares that to the number of hours his wife enjoys with him. She relays anecdotes of her top engaging in sex with another bottom, which was beyond the scope of their agreement, and with his wife, which was beyond her expectations. She relays a situation in which she watched the children for his and his wife’s anniversary trip, but her own collaring anniversary went unnoticed.

Is she jealous and how should she cope? Cohosts Joreth, Pepper and Franklin share insights and give advice, including making a list of the things she needs to feel secure in a relationship and how she would like for commitment to be shown.

20:40 Announcements

Poly in Pictures blog on jealousy – for a little jealousy humor

21:40 Feedback

  • Musqrat comments on the Sister Wives commentary from episode 266, comparing to a sort of institutionalized D/s situation
  • A caller who believes in religious polygyny makes a call for tolerance
  • DDog calls in to appreciate the term “anchors” from episode 260

35:40 Thanks to Earl and John for their donations

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Poly Weekly #223: Communicating while angry & realism in relationships

This week’s Poly Weekly #223: Communicating while angry & realism in relationships.

Download the mp3 directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

Announcements

  • Anal sex in accordance with God’s will
  • Polyagony: The mixed feeling you get when your sweetie is dating someone new. A mixture of: “I’m so happy for you!” with “Teehee! Tell me all the juicy details!” with, “But I’m still pretty, right?”
  • Ann Arbor Poly Network: munch the second Friday, 7:30 p.m., at Pizza House; discussion group third Thursday at WRAP (319 Braun Ct.)

Cohosts
Joreth
Pepper

Topic: Communicating while angry
From the forums: a different way to communicate when angry

Topic: Realism in Relationships
Jenny Block wrote this response to Tiger Wood’s cheating: monogamy isn’t realistic. How would you respond? Thanks to JazzDuck for commenting via Twitter!

Happy Poly Moment
Courtesy of PolyWolf

Feedback
Vim wrote in about poly anime, Marmalade Boy

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #174: Fearless communication

This week Poly Weekly #174: how do I speak up when I’m afraid of confrontation?; fearless communication.

Download the episode directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

4:20 our topic today “fearless communication is based on an email from mzadi.  The question is, how does one communicate when one is not comfortable communicating?

6:25 Minx talks about the need to be assertive in any relationship.  (what you want is important! -FS)

7:30 MInx talks about a friend with a different communication style than herself

8:30 there is a difference between assertive and aggresive.

9:00 the importance of honesty and confidence.

9:50 yelling happens, if it is necessary you an get used to it.

10:45 to get what you want you need to bring it up in a assertive and confident manner.

Topic: How do I speak up when I fear confrontation?

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

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Poly Weekly #172: How To Communicate/Polycamp Ontario

This week Poly Weekly #172: How To Communicate/Polycamp Ontario talks about how to communicate with someone who isn’t all that interested in communication and a live report from Polycamp Ontario.

Download the episode directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

1:50 Announcement: Poly Pride Day in New York City
Oct 3rd through 4th.  Cuddle party, after party, poly pride picnic after wards in Central Park.

2:20 Topic: How do you communicate with someone who isn’t into communication?
This topic came from the forum started by Helena, who was concerned her partner was not really interested in hearing the details in her interest in other people. Suggestions include honoring communication styles, having a private blog filter, or writing letters.

8:00 Report: Polycamp Ontario
Roxane reports from PolyCamp Ontario with the following:

  • 9:00 Roxanne first interviews Lucas, a four year old whose parents brought him
  • 10:30 Next, Roxanne interviews Stephen, one of the executives of Polycamp Ontario and a panelist who spoke on long distance relationships. 
  • 15:50 Roxanne interviews <link=http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/>Andrea Zanin (The Sex Geek) Guest of Honor for Polycamp Ontario.
  • 20:05Will, another executive organizer
  • 21:40 Roxane’s impressions of Polycamp Ontario.

25:17 Listener Feedback
This is for episode #169 “Quit Hurting My Partner”
PolyGestalt responds from the person who is hurt and how it can affect that person.  He then shares a situation from his personal life with us.  You can follow the story here; 32:26 Caroline liked Minx’s response

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #169: Quit hurting my partner!

This week’s Poly Weekly #169: Quit hurting my partner! is all about how to deal with getting angry that your partner is hurt emotionally by your metamour.

Download this episode directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

2:50 Topic for the day.  “What do you do if your metamour is hurting your partner”

5:50 this topic was brought up by Maverick when he called in with his comments.  He commented that his rage became “all consuming” if his partner is being hurt.  This caused Minx some disturbance and she suggested a therapist.  However, wow on the responses to this advice.

6:45 Maverick calls in and apologizes about his comments and says he is not somebody to raise his hand in anger and thanks Minx for her comments.

10:07 a caller called in to talk about this subject.  He felt Minx missed the point of the call and noted that he also has felt a “reverse-frubble” when something bad is happening to his partner/partners/metamours

12:10 Mike called in and was a bit offended.  He felt Minx invalidated Maverick’s feelings out of her own fear.

14:30 Minx brings up that when you are comforting your partner resist the urge to say “that <blank> was always an asshole>

15:50 Sam wrote in and felt that Maverick took a risk to expose his anger and feelings and was a bit offended by Minx’s response.

18:20 Minx discusses more ways of dealing with this “anti-frubble” feeling.

19:50 The next part of the show is feedback on episode #166

19:57 Muskrat calls in about episode 166 and points out tha everybody should be aware of the possible discomfort in others. He also mentions PDA also depends on settings.

24:40 Minx brings up some really good points on this especially from the perpsective of the new person/secondary.

26:14 Wolfpeach wrote in and loved the rant about the word “OK.”

28:24 Rob from Australia called in and suggested using “chapter marks” in the podcast.  Unfortunately, that requires saving the file in a format that is not supported by anything but Mac.
Announcements

  • www.genderodyssey.com
  • Poly Weekly Dragon*Con Meetup is Gordon Biersch Brewpub, Sunday Aug 31, 11:30 a.m.
  • Minx will be speaking at Dragon*Con on building community through podcasting/social media on Friday at 7:00 p.m. and on the Sex/Adult blogger/podcaster panel Saturday at 10:00 p.m.

Topic: Quit hurting my partner
A redux of Maverick’s question from Poly Weekly 166, how do you deal with getting really angry when your partner is hurt emotionally by her metamour?

Feedback: PW 166, dealing with PDA by metamours

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #166: “Okay” is a four-letter word

Poly Weekly #166: “Okay” is a four-letter word

Download this episode directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

4:20 this topic came up from some conversations Minx had with people.

4:39 “OK” “fine” are both evil.  Get ready for a rant….

4:55 Minx brings up a scenario demonstrating how “OK” doesn’t provide information, instead it begs many questions.

7:11 If you are asking a new person out and you have a current partner, you will need to expect them to meet.

8:30 Minx talks about how tough it is for secondaries ending up mixing it up with somebody or both people from a couple and the challenges that go with that.

11:50 Your new relationships need some TLC as well.

12:08 Some advice for the Metamour.  Don’t use the word “OK.”  Say something like “I really enjoy watching Steve doing X” as one example.

14:45 In conclusion, don’t use “OK”!

16:00 Miss Poly Manners gives us some advice on how to fit new partners into your busy life.

20:18 SAS comments on episode 150.  He was trying to find the same love as his first love until he realized it was ok if they are different.

21:30 Molly from Oregon called in about a new book called “How to Ruin A Perfectly Good Relationship” by Pat Love and Sunny Shulkin. zeigtucker.com

25:13 Michael called in about the interview with Tacit telling us his polyamory story.

26:45 Kay mailed in response to episode #154 “Metamour Relations” and asked about how much affection is ok in front of metamours.  Kay would love to hear some feedback from the listeners.

32:15 Maverick calls in to talk about frubble. He wants to know if anybody else has what you might call “reverse frubble”  anger at somebody hurting the ones you love.
Beki Rosenthal
Mistress Matisse’s latest Control Tower

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #154: Metamour Relations

The new Polyamory Weekly #154: Metamour Relations is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #154

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the new FORUMS at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

1:00 Host Chat
Poly Weekly book club’s discussion of Eros, a Journey of Multiple Loves; hmmm why not start a PW movie club? And then we got derailed and began discussing today’s topic, metamour relations.

2:40 Announcement
Broom Street Theater in Madison, Wisconsin has put on a stage interpretation of The Ethical Slut, which runs through June 8th

3:00 Roundtable: Metamour Relations
Alan’s metamour not only spoke with him but loaned him instructive books; Chris and his family tend to meet people as friends first, anyway
5:30 What does “friend” level entail in the case of metamours
7:15 dealing with awkwardness of meeting metamours for the first time; forcing a friendship; openness, trust and respect is required, like in a business relationship
12:30 dealing with a metamour you don’t trust; Buffy and Faith as metamours finally finding a way to connect
18:00 how does a metamour come in to an existing dynamic? whose job is it to work on the weirdness?
23:00 communication styles
26:30 how can we make it easier on secondaries coming in? how much responsibility goes to the “hinge” between current and new partner
34:00 knowing how you want to be treated and communicating that; dealing with NRE and how much time/energy you put into it; knowing the existing partners’ dynamic

40:30 Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

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