Ask Minx: How do I ask for what I want when I don’t want to get my hopes up?

Minx podcasting headshot 2013Minx–

There is a idea that it’s better to clearly articulate one’s own wants and needs. But… but at least for me there is an another side of this coin. Articulating wants raises expectations. If I’ve articulated my wants, it causes a lot of pain when “yes” stays just theoretical. I don’t know what to do with it. It seems that it is better to have no expectations, but I found no way to do it.

A Russian friend

Dear Russian–

It true that when we ask for what we want, we might get a “no,” a “not now” or even a “yes, but let me think about it for a while.” Asking for what you want does raise expectations, to be sure. It can be tough to get your hopes up. And we always say that you should never ask a question you can’t accept a “no” to.

Yes, you might be disappointed when you ask for what you want and don’t get it. But you also might be thrilled at the response! Either way, you are in better shape because you have done something powerful: you have faced your fear and shown your true self to your partner. Even if the response is negative, you can and should be proud that you were true to yourself. This takes great courage and will ultimately make you a better person and partner.

A few quotes to support my take:
“Life rewards those who move in the direction of greatest courage.” — Franklin Veaux.
“Fortune favors the brave.” –saying
“Don’t ask; don’t get.”  –my friend Laurie
Sure, it may seem easier not to ask for what you want because you’re afraid of hearing “no” or “not now.” But the price you pay for NOT asking for what you want is hiding your true self. You also lose the opportunity of what you *might* get if you asked for it.
Be brave. Ask. You might hear “no,” and that’s OK. You’ll live. But won’t it be better than never asking at all?

Poly Weekly #153: Listener Feedback Frenzy!

The new Polyamory Weekly #153: Listener Feedback Frenzy is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #153

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at

1:00 Announcement

  • Broom Street Theater has just opened its run of Multiple O, based on The Ethical Slut, which runs through June 8th
  • 5:30 Listener Mail
    Amul comments on the poly roundtable from Conflation “you do the thing you’re scared of, and you get the courage after, not before”
    9:15 Chrysallis shares his coming-out story
    11:05 Steve Eley comments on the Sexy Shenanigans episode and historical non-monogamy about William Moulten
    13:00 Lea, a family therapist in California, asks about the connection between engineers/geeks/role-playing gamers and poly; if you need a poly-friendly therapist in California, visit First Street Therapy
    17:20 Jacob from Texas sends in Torchwood spank for the Minx!
    18:40 BravoTango and bringing “metamour” to the community; why no one wants to discuss polygyny and polyandry
    23:55 Feedback on #150: Five Places to Meet Poly People

    • Nobilis agrees on being friendworthy before dateworthy; met his first poly family in the SCA
    • Adam mentions Snuggle Parties and trance dance events as places to meet people, including LoveTribe
    • Quidis adds swing parties to the list

    32:35 Jacob from Texas comments on Graydancer’s reading of “Pressure” for Escape Pod and my own reading for Podcastle, “For Fear of Dragons“; this gives me a chance to pimp out both podcasts–Escape Pod for science fiction and Podcastle for fantasy; I also just did a reading for Pseudopod, the horror podcast
    39:50 Jamie in Mississippi says it’s illegal to start up a poly group there!
    41:50 Bubba wrote in to ask about poly seniors
    44:00 Helen Fisher spoke on love and monogamy again at TED; download the video here

    45:15 Wrap-up
    Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Thanks for listening!

    Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from

    Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

    Make a Donation

    Poly Weekly Playmates!

    Wanna play?
    CatalystCon West '15

    Poly Weekly on Facebook

    Poly Weekly on Twitter