PW 376: When to bow out

 

The people in the relationship are the only ones who decide when it ends

The people in the relationship are the only ones who decide when it ends

Should you leave a relationship because others tell you to?

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1:30 Topic: When to bow out

K has been in a relationship for over two years for over 40 hours a week and feel completely committed. His wife refuses to see or communicate with K, and that wife has been diagnosed with stage three terminal cancer. Should K bow out of this relationship she’s put so much into?

Our response:

  • Resist the urge to value the original couple more highly than subsequent relationships. When a partner or metamour faces hard times, support rather than absence is generally a compassionate response.
  •  Rather than taking advice from others, ask the people involved what they want. Ask him and her what they want. No one else’s opinion matters.
  • Say what you want. You are in a valid relationship and have a voice.
  • Remember that you do also always have the power to leave if the situation becomes untenable or unhealthy for you.

10:45 Happy Poly Moment

K shares a fabulous happy poly moment of spending casual, pizza-and-pajamas time with a metamour and that metamour’s wife.

13:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 375: Minx’s big announcement

 

Our handfasting ceremony journal and ribbons

Our handfasting ceremony journal and ribbons

Minx and LustyGuy share a personal announcement

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1:00 Host chat

Welcome our sponsor, GetSTDTested. Use code polyweekly to save 10% at checkout!

4:30 Topic: Minx’s big announcement

Minx, LustyGuy and L are headed to Costa Rica for their commitment ceremony, with L officiating. Minx and LustyGuy share stories of how it came about and some of the mononormative pitfalls they ran across.

22:45 Happy Poly Moment

Kev shares stories of poly meetup groups in Sweden for fikas as well as a poly pub crawl, something we should implement in Seattle! Swedish Poly Organization

26:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 374: Four mistakes couples make when opening up

 

Marcia Baczynski and Minx at CatalystCon West 2013

Marcia Baczynski and Minx at CatalystCon West 2013

How to avoid the classic mistakes couples make when trying nonmonogamy

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1:00 Host chat

Nothing to see here; move along!

2:00 Interview: Four mistakes couples make when opening up with Marcia Baczynski

Thanks to Marcia for sharing with us these four tips! Where to find Marcia:

And here we go! The classic mistakes:

  1. Not knowing what you want. Poly may mean different things to different folks. Take the time to talk about what you want and direct the picture in your head; this also means you develop terminology for future discussions. It’s also useful to take stock of your current relationship.
  2. Going too fast. Many couples move way too fast, and a few move too slowly. Find your comfortable pace. This isn’t about restrictions; it’s about taking the time to enjoy experience, as with any romance. Enjoy the journey! Take the time to find your comfort zone rather than diving in headfirst.
  3. Avoiding jealousy. Don’t ignore the truth of negative emotions because you think it makes you a bad poly person. That only leads to uncomfortable situations. No one is too “good” to be jealous. Just admit and deal with your jealousy.
  4. Trying to be the perfect poly person. Feeling that you have to be perfect either for your partner or to prove that poly was a good choice for you are both self-destructive beliefs to hold. Nothing beats admitting your emotions. Practice some tough love on yourself! No one was perfect at poly the first (or even the last) time they tried it. Be willing to be vulnerable.

35:20 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 373: Sex positive blowout at CatalystCon West

Cunning Minx, Dr. Jocelyn Elders, Lynn Comella at #ccon

Cunning Minx, Dr. Jocelyn Elders, Lynn Comella at #ccon

What is going on in the sex positive world?

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1:00 Host chat

Welcome to our new affiliate sponsor, GetSTDTested.com Use code “polyweekly” at checkout for a discount! Or just click on the banner in the right sidebar. :-)

5:00 Topic: Sex positive mojo at CatalystCon West

 28:15 Feedback

  • Jason in Wisconsin shares how he and his wife came to get over the poly hump
  • Herbalwise comments on the legalities of marriage from episode 354
  • Vir asks about how to cope when a partner passes away

 36:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 372: Poly and progressive swinging

Life on the Swingset podcast

Life on the Swingset podcast

How does polyamory overlap with progressive swinging? The Swingset crew chimes in!

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1:00 Interview: the Swingset crew!

The Swingset crew talks about news in progressive polyamory and how much it crosses over with polyamory! Ginger, Cooper and Dylan are back after a previous non-monogamy blowout with Poly Weekly.

  • What is progressive swinging?
  • Why and when and to whom to come out. It’s easy to hide.
  • What is the line between swing partner, dear friend and lover or partner?
  • Why do we draw these boundaries, and can’t we do more crossover events?
  • Relationship fluidity and how to prevent relationship boxing

41:35 Happy Poly Moment

  • F shares an HPM about going to a poly meetup with partners and everyone having a great time
  • Jessica was happy to tell her partner about her exciting date!
  • D tells about moving in with poly and kinky friends but not in a romantic way. Minx says that IS poly, because intimate friendships totally count!

46:00 Thank you!

Thanks to David and Ginger, and welcome Rebekka to the PW Playmates!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 371: Poly and sex work

sabrinamorgan_1338669556_38How does polyamory overlap with sex work, and how do you maintain your relationships when it does?

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1:00 Host chat

  • Welcome to our new affiliate sponsor, GetSTDTested.com Use code “polyweekly” at checkout for a discount!
  • Want to help spread the word about Poly Weekly? Nominate us for the Mature category at the Podcast Awards before October 15

5:15 Interview: Poly and sex work

The lovely and talented Sabrina Morgan joins us for a chat about activism, fetishism and to answer listener questions about polyamory and sex work.

  • Former enemies are now advocating for sex worker rights
  • What’s the biggest issue right now? Sex work is being covered in the media exclusively as sex trafficking, where all consensual sex workers and educators are lumped under the same category and ruled by the same laws.
  • We need accurate data on sex workers, not just those 10% on the street.
  • Minx unintentionally brings up a topic: using words such as “pimp” and ideas of sex workers as disposable or a safe target in common parlance.
  • Grace, a PW listener, started working as a cam girl and was surprised when her boyfriend had an issue with it. Advice?
    • Good news is that sex positive folks are less likely to slut shame
    • Whorephobia goes a step beyond this; many still struggle with this idea that doing sex work makes one “other”
    • Don’t make your professional life something that is vetoable in a relationship. Economic power is not negotiable.

29:00 Feedback

Jane shares a frustrating story of couple-centrism and being expected to be instantly and automatically best friends with a metamour with veto power—and how it’s nice to hear about LustyGuy, L and me as a positive example!

31:00 Happy Poly Moment

KittenCalendar shares a story of being smushy, scared and single.

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 370: Keeping one bad relationship from affecting others

How do you keep one deteriorating or unhealthy relationship from affecting others?

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1:00 Host chat

Beyond the Love 2013

Beyond the Love 2013

  • Check out the awesome new Beyond the Love conference, November 15-17 in Columbus, Ohio. Educational sessions, social events like poly speed dating and poly prom and the attendee-directed poly summit! Use code polyweekly at checkout to save 10%!
  • I’m presenting at CatalystCon on how to be a part-time sex educator Sept 27-29

5:05 Topic: How to keep one bad relationship from affecting others

bad influence lolcatMinx and LustyGuy give advice to listener S who wrote in to ask how you keep one dead or deteriorating relationship from affecting your other relationships?

  • First, your relationships are part of who you are, so there is no way to 100% avoid one affecting others. However, you can minimize the effect.
  • Good general rule: never complain about one partner to another. It’s unfair to both your partner (who can’t speak up for herself) and her metamour (your new partner), who is only getting one side of the story. Your new partner isn’t your therapist.
  • Get a therapist. :-) Ending your first poly relationship is nothing to sneeze at, especially when it involves continued cohabitation and transitioning to friendship without a break.
  • Be wary of transferring “anchorship.”

15:45 Happy Poly Moment

  • A shares a lovely story about a teachable poly moment!
  • Johnny Zavant shares a story about a good first poly experience

18:35 Feedback

  • Erica gives props to her own excellent communication skills
  • Julia shares a tale of being brave (which often looks a lot like being silly)

23:25 Thanks

Thanks to L for the $58.47 donation!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 369: Getting over the poly hump

Franklin Veaux, Eve Rickert and Cunning Minx

How do you come to accept and embrace poly when it wasn’t your idea?

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1:00 Host chat with Minx, Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux

  • Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert are writing a book! Help fund their Indiegogo campaign to write it!
  • Check out the awesome new Beyond the Love conference, November 15-17 in Columbus, Ohio. Educational sessions, social events like poly speed dating and poly prom and the attendee-directed poly summit! Use code polyweekly at checkout to save 10%!
  • I’m presenting at CatalystCon on how to be a part-time sex educator Sept 27-29

9:00 Topic: Getting over the poly hump

Franklin and Eve give advice! How did you come to accept and embrace polyamory when it wasn’t your idea? For those who didn’t originally self-identify as polyamorous, how did you deal with conflicting emotion and come to embrace polyamory?

  • Recognize that your partner wanting polyamory is not about you.

    More Than Two Crowdfunding

  • Thank your partner for having the courage to be honest about what he/she needs.
  • Acknowledge that the relationship has already changed, so resist the urge to hold on to what you used to have.
  • Accept that this exploration of polyamory may mean that the current relationship might end.
  • Recognize that you are empowered to leave the relationship if it doesn’t work for you.
  • Find something in this new type of relationship for you that is a true benefit, not a “grit-and-bear-it” situation.
  • Finding someone to model successful poly relationships (like a poly support network) is essential.
  • Avoid the urge to control the polyamory with veto power or other restrictions.

Listener responses:

  • GreedyPaul calls in to say that he came to embrace polyamory when his mistress and her husband showed him over the months that their relationship and communication were honest.
  • Jess wrote in to describe her first and second introductions to polyamory and that, despite initial freakouts, she is “poly and never looked back.”
  • IssaWalters, Shadalicious, PolyNirvana and ZenHeathen were all swayed by the logical arguments
  • And thanks to Les and Lisa for sharing their experiences on Facebook

36:15 Happy Poly Moment

  • AggieSez shares a solo Happy Poly Moment
  • HeartWhisperer shared a HPM in which he felt compersion

41:00 Feedback

  • Vaughn on episode 361 comments that your polysaturation point changes over time
  • Vir mentioned a poly domestic fantasy novel Lifelode
  • A listener writes in to call bullshit on something not mentioned on episode 364 on being in love and vetoed: it’s the responsibility of the partner to stand up for the new relationship. The fact that the husband defend his relationship in the face of his wife’s communication blockade was indefensible. He says if you’re at the point of a vee, it’s your job to stand up for your new relationship as well as for your existing one.
  • Listener calls in to say that PW saved her and kept her sane!

53:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 368: Metamour cock block

What do you do when your metamour cuts off communications?

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1:00 Host chat with Minx and LustyGuy

9:00 Topic: Metamour cock block

Listener R writes in asking for advice on a situation in which her once-friendly metamour J asked for personal time and space that lead to a six-month communication blockade. The silence adversely affected both R and her partner’s (J’s husband) relationship. Question: how do you reopen lines of communication with someone who won’t talk to you anymore? Minx and LustyGuy suggest:

  • You can’t force someone to communicate with you, so it’s pointless to keep asking.
  • Do your best to take care of yourself and tend your own garden: deal with your own jealousy and insecurities.
  • Do your best to nurture the health of your relationship with R.

18:00 Happy Poly Moment

  • GreedyPaul shares a moment of joy at Camp Perv
  • Timothy shares some fun, snuggly HPMs derived from starting up a regular movie night with his poly family! “THIS is how poly should work, THIS is what I’ve been hoping for. It was a simple moment, but it was memorable.”

21:50 Feedback

  • Our estimable solo poly guru, AggieSez, calls in to respond to episode 364 on being in love and vetoed and recommends that even if your time with your partner is so rare that it seems a shame to bring up tough relationship stuff, ovary/man up and do it!
  • Emma asks about an issue mentioned in episode 365 on meetups: how do you deal with people feeling stuck next to someone they might not be interested in talking to?
  • Isha calls in to ask about how to handle a long-distance poly relationship, and LustyGuy offers some great advice:
    • Never underestimate the power of a distraction. Do something fun!
    • Make dates—schedule phone calls like a date, complete with dinner, wine and dress up for it.
    • Keep a paper journal every day and exchange it with your partner at your next meeting.
  • Southern Poly Gathering is a poly camping weekend happening October 17-20 in Florida—join a great group of polys!

Thanks!

Thanks to Elizabeth and Yani for their donations this week!

37:50 Poly music

Rolling out with a cool poly composition Can’t Help But Fly from Naima Penniman and A McNatt

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 367: A day in the life of a pro domme and sub

Remedy

A peek behind the curtain of a New York pro domme and submissive

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1:00 Host chat

  • Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert are writing a book! Help fund their Indiegogo campaign to write it!
  • Check out the awesome new Beyond the Love conference, November 15-17 in Columbus, Ohio. Educational sessions, social events like poly speed dating and poly prom and the attendee-directed poly summit!
  • I’m presenting at CatalystCon on how to be a part-time sex educator Sept 27-29

7:45 Interview: Cheyenne Picardo, producer of Remedy

Cheyenne Picardo chats about her indie film Remedy, a semi-autobiographical tale of her experiences being a pro domme and pro submissive at a house in New York City. I saw it at the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival this year; the next showing is at Berlin Porn Film Festival. If you want to help cover licensing fees so Cheyenne can show the film more broadly, click here.

38:00 Happy Poly Moment

J tells the story of his girlfriend’s first poly experience and exploring her guilt about telling him about it as well as his joy that she did!

41:00  Feedback

Taking you out with the poem from IW called Thinning Locks

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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