PW 451: Being party to a lie

Is it OK to be party to someone else’s lie?31627422_s

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1:00 Host Chat

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4:10 Poly in the News

10:20 Topic: Should I be party to a lie?

A listener writes in to ask if it’s OK to help a partner keep past infidelity a secret. How does one decide when to be party to a lie?

16:20 Feedback

  • How can you tell when you’re polysaturated?
  • Michael writes in to share the difficulty of a poly death

31:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Gingrich: Don’t destroy non-monogamous family values

Today, the news broke that one of Newt Gingrich’s ex-wives is going public with the information that he had once asked her for an open marriage.

I really can’t speak as to the repercussions of this publicity on his political career, such as it is. I suspect that the folks who like Gingrich will continue to like and defend him, and those who don’t (I count myself among those) will use this as fodder to denounce his suitability as a Republican presidential candidate.

What is worth commenting on is Gingrich’s reported approach to open marriage. According to the story in the Washington Post, Marianne Gingrich, Newt’s second wife, reports that after conducting a six-year affair with Callista Bisek, Newt proposed an open marriage in which he would be partners with both Marianne and Callista.

Marianne turned down the offer, and Bisek became Gingrich’s third wife.

This case is high-profile because of Gingrich’s potential presidential candidacy and perhaps also because of his steadfast promotion of family values, which presumably do not include having a long-term affair. Additionally, as the Post points out:

The House speaker who pilloried President Bill Clinton for his affair with Monica Lewinsky was himself having an affair at the time.

So there is a strong element of hypocrisy to the situation as well.

Newt, yer doin’ it WRONG

But even that isn’t what bothers me most here, on this blog devoted to polyamory. What I’d like to tell Gingrich is that open marriage and other forms of non-monogamy are not your back door for when you get caught. Non-monogamy in its many forms takes a tremendous amount of communication and work to ensure the happiness of all parties involved, and it is most decidedly not an escape hatch for a guy caught with his trousers down.

What Gingrich offered his wife Marianne wasn’t an option; it was an ultimatum: share me or get lost. And I can assure you that almost every instance of the “relationship broken; add more people” approach has failed. This was not a conscious decision made with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved; this was a cheater backed into a corner seeking to extract himself from an unhappy marriage.

And in that, he succeeded. It just annoys me that he used a proposal of open marriage as a blunt object to rid himself of his second wife. Just cheat, divorce, remarry your mistress and be done with it. Don’t drag our hardworking model of non-monogamy into it. Some of us actually work at this, and you’re sullying the institution of non-monogamous marriage.

Poly Weekly #139: Dirty, rotten cheaters

The new Polyamory Weekly #139: Dirty, rotten cheaters is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #139

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments.

1:30 Announcement: Poly Weekly forums!
Yes, the Poly Weekly forums are finally up! Discuss show topics or bring up your own questions and topics. Sign up, log in and chat today! Special thanks to Sc00ter for setting them up and to Vincenza for offering to moderate them!

Minx will miss this month’s Many Loves seminar in Chicago, but only because she’s filming the porn episode for the Midwest Teen Sex Show!

If you’d like to discuss poly books, check out Joreth’s Shelfari poly book discussion group, with great online resources and book discussions!

5:00 Topic: Dirty, rotten cheaters
Amy Gahran’s sending me this internet poll on whether cybersex “counts” as cheating sparked a discussion/rant about what “cheating” actually is, both in monogamy and in polyamory. See how Wikipedia defines cheating.

16:20 Feedback
Jeremy wrote in on jealousy from episode 133, blaming society; 18:30 Jamie comments on episode 134, the Love Maps episode, mentioning that the episode might have caused some uncomfortable introspection; 20:45 Scott comments on episode 87 and the idea of “discretion”; 23:00 ML asks for advice on what to do when a metamour breaks your heart–but is still dating your partner

29:00 Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Thanks for listening!

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