PW 387: Is monogamy natural?


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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

2:00 Topic: Is monogamy natural?

Before we dive into this, what do you hope to accomplish or prove by answering this question? Do you want it to be true or untrue that human beings are naturally monogamous? Why does it matter to you, and how will it affect your behavior?

All the books I recommend are in the Poly Weekly Amazon Store under Polyamory Must Reads or For Sex Scholars.

21:00 Happy Poly Moment

Diana shared a Happy Poly Moment about getting not just tolerance but active support within a relationship with differing approaches to polyamory.

Wrap up

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Can NRE be Zen?

At first glance, I really liked this post about the Zen of attraction. As I read the ten principles to the Zen of attraction, I thought, “Wow! This would be a great way to decrease drama in my life! If I could only do this, then my relationships would be so much easier!”

I still think it bears reading and a good “hmmmm.” But as I thought about it, especially in consideration of Helen Fisher’s Why We Love, which explains the chemistry actually going on in your brain when you are attracted to someone, I don’t think that a Zen approach to NRE (New Relationship Energy, for those not lucky enough to have experienced it recently) is all that realistic. Thing is, when we are experiencing attraction, our brain chemistry is different. New lovers experience high levels of chemicals that allow them to do things like stay up all night, pass sleepless nights thinking of one another and talk incessantly. I’m not saying that that type of chemistry can’t be fought or controlled, but my question is: is it very Zen to do so? We only get NRE for a short while, and then our brain stabilizes (thank goodness; how many nights can you really stay awake mooning over a new lover?) and returns to a more sustainable level of intimacy. Being Zen about a new attraction–promising, offering, needing nothing–doesn’t really seem to respect the chemistry of the brain.

Now, I’m not saying that we should just all go hog-wild and give in to the glorious thrill that is NRE. I’ve seen many a relationship destroyed by a partner who got too embroiled in NRE and neglected his other partners or her other obligations in life. And I actually think it’s a good idea not to make promises or raise expectations too high and just accept and enjoy the moment, whatever that may be. Perhaps I’m suggesting a balance between complete Zen calm and the silly unreasonableness of NRE. What do you think?

Poly Weekly #125: The Seven-Year Itch

The new Polyamory Weekly #125: The Seven-Year Itch is up! Direct download is here.

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments. We’ll do a meetup in the Los Angeles area for Podcast Expo.

2:00 Listener Feedback
Erik wrote in to announce he’s founded the Ethi-Q Slutdom”, for the Albuquerque-centric Ethical Slut and has also started a quotes wiki for Poly Weekly listeners!; J sent in a link to all Heinlein archives online

4:50 Comments: Poly erotica and Keeping Ex’s as friends
Michael says he can no longer listen in the car! Donut Rooter also keeps her ex’s as friends;

7:00 Poly Weekly is “socially destructive”!!
If you missed this post, please respond as if you found deviant magazine’s in your child’s possession. 🙂 Minx goes on a rant about intolerance and brainwashing of children and lets her listeners rant as well.

13:00 Topic: Shoud the Seven-Year Itch Legalized?
This article cites a Bavarian politician who proposed that marriage be for seven years with an option to renew. Notice how her opponent, who considers this idea un-Christian, has had a dent put in his reputation because he had a child by his mistress. Minx talks about the flawed concept of lifetime love and devotion and is all for the idea of marriage lasting, say, just four years, based on Helen Fisher’s research on The Anatomy of Love and the fact that across 62 cultures, divorce rates peak at the four-year mark.

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Thanks for listening!

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