PW 487: When independence hurts

when independence hurtsWhat to do if your independence hurts your partner(s)

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1:00 Host chat

3:00 Topic: When independence hurts

A listener writes in to ask what to do when one’s need for autonomy and personal time causes one’s partner grief.

LaRasa writes: “One of my biggest hang-ups is that because I have always been so independent, the current situation of mono life feels like a cage, but whenever I bring up the need for me time, she gives me the ‘hurt puppy dog’ eyes.”

We recommend using the Sunday Safe Space (great idea!) to do a full relationship check-in, including praise, gratitude and expressing appreciation for what is working well. Also:

  • Talk about specific behaviors, not broad generalizations (what exactly makes your life feel “like a cage”?)
  • Let each person own their shit; don’t assume an emotion due to the eyes
  • Innoculate, check in, iterate
  • Establish a “get home” ritual

19:45 Feedback

  • Joris writes in to criticize my reluctance on episode 393 to use the singular “they” (which is now no longer an issue) and to bring up the challenges gender queer folk have to deal with every day
  • Ourdane did as well and also called me out on gender stereotyping
  • Baltimore Sun editor on the singular “they”

32:45 Happy Poly Moment

  • The “Sugar Shack”
  • Going from DADT to happy metamours

38:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 486: Introverts, extroverts and anxiety

39091910 - side profile stressed young businessman sitting outside corporate office holding head with hands looking down. negative human emotion facial expression feelings.

How do you deal with introversion, self-care and anxiety in poly?

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Under 18? Stop listening now and visit Scarleteen

1:00 Announcements and host chat

1:30 Poly in the News

Books about loving everybody

4:00 Topic: Dealing with introverts, extroverts and anxiety in polyamory

A listener writes in to ask about how to find personal space and time for self-care when in a poly situation, particularly a living situation. Is there a tip for dealing with personal space, introversion, self-care and anxiety in poly?

  • You can decide what is ethical and happy- and healthy-making for you
  • If what you really want is more sex with your wife, having sex with someone else won’t help. But if you have desires that you can happily fulfill elsewhere, go to it!

15:00 Feedback

  • School psychologist sounds off on how to support a survivor of abuse in episode 448
  • A listener writes in to ask if mono-poly (due to his wife identifying as a gray asexual) can work
  • New poly word from R: “consolidate,” when several partners agree to go on a date together for efficiency

27:15 Happy Poly Moment

L is a therapist in a conservative state who was afraid to come out as poly at work—before hearing the other therapists talk about how they prefer poly patients, since it’s easier to get them to listen to each other than mono folks!

29:00 Thank you!

Thanks to Rob for the donation!

30:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want to book us to speak or teach? Email lustyguy@polyweekly.com!

PW 402: PW live at CatalystCon!

CatalystCon West 2014 PW livePW LIVE at CatalystCon with Reid Mihalko and Charlie Glickman!

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Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

Bawdy Storytelling is coming to Seattle October 3 at 8:00 Rebar!

1:30 PW Live from CatalystCon West!

My guests are Charlie Glickman and Reid Mihalko!

  • Charlie Glickman on self descriptionTopic: how do we stop policing our poly communities and embrace tolerance?
    • We need a space for the newbies and the old guard who don’t want to have to step back and explain the 101 questions
    • remember when judging others that the finger points back at you#cconminx date your species
    • how can we tolerate a world free of shame if we then shame others?
    • if you’re happy and dating your species, why does it matter?
    • let’s not shit on the mono community–bad marketing!
    • “There is no one more zealous than the newly converted” – Charlie
  • 34:00 if you’re a newbie, is there something you need to be able to demonstrate to share with the veterans so they’ll be more comfy with you?#cconminx self awarenes
    • Reid: ability to clearly voice needs and wants; self-awareness. Minx says “self awareness is really sexy”
    • Charlie: how do you handle conflict, anger and fear?
    • If you get a negative response such as “wow poly sounds hard,” ask “why does that sound hard to you?”
  • 39:45 What does queer mean to you?
    • Reid: I’m awesome sexual. When I started dating sluts, no one was complaining how slutty I was. Date #cconminx Awesome sexualyour species! There’s a difference between a car working harder because it’s going uphill or straining because the parking brake is on.
    • Charlie: date people of both genders but more about world view rather than gender assignations
  • 45:30 How is poly done differently regionally?
    • Charlie recommends asking for community norms before visiting
  • 48:00 How do you find a good local community? Openingup.net, also Google “polyamory” and the name of the city

52:00 Thank you!

Thanks to Bret and David for their generous donations this week!

52:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 305: You might be poly if…

Signs that you might be poly

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 News

  • Our polyamory disaster – tale of swinging, casual sex, non-monogamy, insecurity, lack of communication and lots of drugs – wonder why it didn’t work out
  • Introverts Guide to Networking – Written for business, but great for introverts who are into poly and easily overwhelmed in social situations
  • Polyamory and the slippery slope – arguing against the slippery slope argument against legalizing gay marriage because it could lead to legalization of poly marriage

8:45 Topic: You might be poly if…

Thanks to all our listeners who responded on Twitter and Facebook to complete this sentence! My favorite responses:

  • You have to check three different calendars before you can say yes to a “do you wanna go get a cup of coffee?”
  • For the holidays you have an easier time thinking of presents for your boyfriend’s partner than for your boyfriend
  • You have run out of colors for your sweethearts on your Google calendar
  • You keep a spreadsheet of boundaries
  • You and your husband’s boyfriend both remind the waiter not to put parmesan on his spaghetti
  • You get genuine pleasure from someone else’s happiness

13:25 Feedback

  • J and A ask about the hotwife lifestyle with two questions: did other poly folks find poly through hotwife? And men with a hot wife kink often get off learning intimate details or watching their partner play. From listening to past episodes, we can’t determine if this is uncommon or just rarely discussed in poly circles? (Answer: it’s always discussed whether you want to watch and how much you want to know about sexual activities)
  • Olaf asks about pre-poly signals—has anyone noticed poly tendencies in retrospect?

20:10 Wrapup


Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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