PW 360: Crowdsourcing jealousy

How do you deal with jealousy?

How do you address jealousy?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements

4:30 Topic: how do you deal with jealousy?

Listeners brought up this question on Twitter, and we haven’t talked about jealousy in a while. So we threw it out to YOU, the listeners, on Facebook, Twitter and Google+, and your advice was GREAT:

  • If the solution to kids being jealous isn’t “only have one kid,” we should expect the same of adults as well
  • Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up has a great chapter on jealousy
  • Admit the feelings to yourself
  • Narrow down what you are feeling
  • Acknowledge your feelings; reflect; avoid shaming; seek comfort
  • Say it aloud; talk to someone about it
  • Understand that jealousy often involves the fear of loss and that adding a new partner doesn’t mean you get less
  • Understand that you can choose how you react to your emotions

You guys covered it very well! Minx’s tips:

  • Don’t panic. Being jealous doesn’t make you a bad person.
  • Listen to what your body/emotions are trying to tell you with the jealousy.
  • Fill in these blanks: “I’m afraid that if my partner/metamour does ___, it means ___.”
  • Share your thoughts/feelings with your partner(s) in a safe space.
  • Take care of yourself.
  • Ask for support.
  • Pat yourself on the back!

22:25 Feedback: Episode 357

  • Vir sent in this link on “average” and “normal” sex regarding episode 357′s inflammatory use of the word “normal” with regards to sex
  • Anonymous caller points out that when people of privilege are asked to look at their privilege, they can feel targeted and defensive
  • Morpheous comments on the mentions of couple privilege of late, saying ” It’s not a bad thing to have privilege, people who have just need to realize it limits their perspective and to give a voice to people without that privilege, allowing them to speak up.”

27:00 Thank you

Thanks to David for his generous $69.69 donation this week!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 348: How to deal with a partner’s jealousy

What do you do when a partner’s jealousy destroys a relationship you have with someone else?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

1:00 Announcements and host chat

9:10 Topic: How to deal with a partner’s jealousy

L asks for advice on breaking up with someone who isn’t your primary, but Minx sees that her partner’s jealousy is the real issue and gives advice based on Franklin Veaux‘s How to Be a Secure Person:

  • Letting jealousy destroy a relationship is a bad precedent. Deal with this jealousy now so you can go forth and date from a place of generosity, kindness and confidence.
  • Look beneath the surface to determine what is driving your jealousy and insecurities
  • Fill in these blanks: “If my lover [kisses another person in front of me], then the bad thing that will happen is ______.” “If this keeps happening, then it means ________.” “If my lover really loves this other person, then ______.”
  • Practice, practice, practice! Practice being secure and coping with jealousy. It takes 21 days to create a habit, so don’t expect to dispel jealousy the first time out.
  • And please, don’t date until you and your partner are both secure. It’s not fair to your new lover, who is making an emotional, psychological and maybe even sexual investment in you to be dumped due to someone else’s jealousy.

22:05 Happy Poly Moment

Brandon shares a moment of his wife and girlfriend getting along great!

23:15 Feedback: Episode 345 Poly for the Holidays

Vir writes in to remark on Sierra Black’s Huffington Post piece on making a decision about honoring her mother’s holiday wishes.

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 327: Help! I’m rich, and I have a big penis!

What to do when your metamours get jealous of your wealth and well-hung dick

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

  • Minx and LustyGuy share the importance of owning your own poly shit.
  • Minx tells about a recent instance when the usually supportive LustyGuy asked for support himself, and Minx fell short. Instead of drama ensuing, Minx took the next opportunity to look at her shit and apologize for being an insensitive jerk.
  • Wanna go to Burning Man? We are raffling off a ticket in July as a fundraiser to send Minx to CatalystCon! For every $10 donation here, you’ll get one raffle entry. On July 30, we’ll draw and announce the winner of the ticket to Burning Man 2012! Void where prohibited.

10:00 Topic: Help! I’m rich with a big penis!

Cyotee calls in to ask for help: he’s rich with a big dick. What to do? Well, specifically, what to do when his metamours get jealous of his marathon lovemaking sessions and lavish trips with their sweeties? Minx and LustyGuy give advice:

  • Keep in mind that anyone can have great vacation sex. The new, outside lover is often in a perpetual state of NRE or “vacation sex.”
  • Don’t play the comparison game between you and your metamour, and don’t let your partners do it, either. Instead, find the joy in the moment and in each partner.
  • Show that you support the existing relationship. If you don’t know, ask your metamour how to keep their relationship happy and healthy.
  • Treat the relationship like a birthday party for an 8-year-old: bring a present for the birthday girl’s younger brother. Instead of buying your lover a $500 diamond necklace, buy a $250 necklace and a really nice bottle of scotch for your metamour. Let some of your love and attention for your lover spill over onto the metamour as well.
  • Or when you take your lover on a vacation, invite the metamour along. Or give him tickets to an event he’ll enjoy.

25:30 Happy Poly Moment

Charles and Sarah share the story of being married for 16 years with 4 kids and opening their marriage. They starting dating a couple, uncovered emotional baggage and took a break to deal with their own baggage and insecurities.

A few comments: Remember that your first relationship is with yourself. Also, while it’s nice to want to get back together with the couple you started dating, keep in mind that personal growth and appropriate relationships should be the goal, not one relationship in particular.

32:10 Feedback

Tony is a new listener who wrote in about a 90s song that is poly-ish: Three Is Family.

35:45 Thanks

Thanks to Eynstein, Wayne and Chris for the donations this week. Woo hoo!

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 277: Jealousy and courage

Talking jealousy and the power of courage with Franklin Veaux

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

Host Chat

Musings on the ShibariCon experience and how it was the best con ever.

9:30 Topic: Jealousy and Heinlein

Tacit, host of the Xeromag poly site, discusses Heinlein and jealousy; don’t confuse the trigger for the root; expressing your needs, even when a new person comes along

  • life rewards people who move in the direction of greatest courage; the rewards of a husband reaching out and talking to the wife’s new lover, who was succesfully exploring kink with her
  • his new book, More Than Two, his LiveJournal is a Tacit, and his mega poly site is at Xeromag poly site; the book’s focus is on practical tools to make relationships work on a daily basis
  • comments on NRE–he thinks it keeps you from getting to the good stuff and knowing who the person really is; a shared life
  • Franklin long-distance relationships; his polysaturation point for non-LDR’s (three); and LDR’s requiring deliberate time versus volume of mundane time; minx comments on needing a poly sugardaddy to support her LDR habits; knowing where your boundaries are with discussing sex
  • having a lover/main partner who takes it upon herself (is “proactive”) to ask about and discuss his relationships with new partners instead of waiting for him to tell her what is going on; optimism for love

38:00 Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

PW 274: Am I jealous?

Listener W writes in to ask: am I jealous, or is this situation unfair?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:20 Topic: Am I jealous?

Wendy writes in to ask advice from the cohost team: am I jealous? She gets a certain number of hours a week with her top, and compares that to the number of hours his wife enjoys with him. She relays anecdotes of her top engaging in sex with another bottom, which was beyond the scope of their agreement, and with his wife, which was beyond her expectations. She relays a situation in which she watched the children for his and his wife’s anniversary trip, but her own collaring anniversary went unnoticed.

Is she jealous and how should she cope? Cohosts Joreth, Pepper and Franklin share insights and give advice, including making a list of the things she needs to feel secure in a relationship and how she would like for commitment to be shown.

20:40 Announcements

Poly in Pictures blog on jealousy – for a little jealousy humor

21:40 Feedback

  • Musqrat comments on the Sister Wives commentary from episode 266, comparing to a sort of institutionalized D/s situation
  • A caller who believes in religious polygyny makes a call for tolerance
  • DDog calls in to appreciate the term “anchors” from episode 260

35:40 Thanks to Earl and John for their donations

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Poly Weekly 247: What’s OK in poly?

Joreth, Pepper and Franklin discuss what’s “OK” in poly

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Announcements

  • Forked Tongue novel
  • Study participants 18+ willing to fill out a questionnaire and do a saliva sample contact salivaresearch@umich.edu or 734-763-7121

Topic: What’s OK in poly?
Today’s topic is courtesy of Friggin’ Limey, who wrote in with the questions:

  • Is it normal, or even OK, for me to feel the need to want to see someone else whenever my wife has a date with a lover?
  • When she goes on a date I do ask her if they had sex or not. Does this sound reasonable?
  • And from MinVanLib on Twitter: If the root of jealousy is insecurity, does one need to end the relationship to get secure first?

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Polyamory 201 with Tristan Taormino

Went to a fantastic session last night with my awesome friend Yvonne. Babeland in Seattle was hosting the ever-articulate Tristan Taormino and her Poly 201 session on poly relationships and what makes or breaks them. My notes from the session:

  • Key to dealing with NRE: patience, compassion, communication.
  • Key to dealing with poly time management: organization, Google calendar, negotiation skills.
  • It’s not just “you’ve got Tuesday nights;” time carries with it a tremendous emotional charge.
  • Key to dealing with poly micommunication: honesty, self-awareness, and (surprise, surprise) COMMUNICATION.
  • Disclose, disclose, disclose! You might not think it’s a big deal that your new girlfriend is a stripper, but your husband might.
  • Keys to addressing poly agreement violation: make explicit agreement with a checklist. Make a “gray area” rule.
  • Jealousy as a behavior is modeled and rewarded in our society. Too many pop culture songs, movies and TV shows make reference to someone “really” loving a partner if he/she gets jealous.
  • So let’s unpack jealousy: envy, posessiveness, competitiveness, feeling excluded, insecurity.
  • Re jealousy: when you think “someone is smarter than me,” you really mean “I am not smart enough”
  • Solution to jealousy: face your fear. Take it out to dinner. See it for what it is.
  • Harness NRE for good and not evil, knowing it will come back to your existing relationship. When your partner comes home all hopped up on endorphins, jump him!–Selfish person’s guide to NRE

Poly Weekly #210: I’m jealous of Facebook!

This week’s Poly Weekly #210: I’m jealous of Facebook!.

Download the mp3 directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

Topic: Does Facebook make you jealous?
If you’re the jealous type, avoid Facebook
Full study

Feedback: Poly Weekly #206: Sanford and Sin
The Atlantic rebuttal
Salon’s response

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #201: Would *this* one make you less jealous?

This week’s Poly Weekly #201: would this partner make you less jealous?.

Download the mp3 directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

Announcements
PolyCamp Ontario is August 14-16th

Topic: Will this lover make you less jealous?
Darin provided these links:
Science Blogs commentary
Original Psychology Today article

1:35 Announcements
Minx talks about Polycamp Ontario

2:30 Today’s Topic
Minx starts by talking about an article in Psychology Today “What kind of lover should I take to make you less jealous.”
Minx talks about how men and women typically differ as far as what makes them jealous; what makes us feel threatened? Are these catagories
actually useful considering how different each of us are? Article claims if you are going to cheat, choose somebody not as good as your partner.
Minx goes through the comments and talks about what she sees.

8:56 Miss Poly Manners
Torn Between Two Lovers writes in and asks Miss Poly Manners advice on scheduling.

14:10 Feedback
14:12 Shaded wrote in and talked about what they have learned from Poly Weekly

14:58 Musqurat called in, talking about your exes.

17:40 Vincent wrote in about Episode 193

20:05 John Doe wrote in about Feast of Love unhappy about the way Minx talked about religion.

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #196: Jealousy roundtable

This week’s Poly Weekly #196: Jealousy roundtable.

Download the mp3 directly!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

2:00 Pre-Discussion
Minx introduces Gabriel and they have a short discussion about Conflation.

9:05 Poly Round Table from Conflation
and we begin the jealousy discussion; moving to the nature and origin of jealousy; minx takes it back to the steampunk vibrator.

22:50 Minx and Gabriel discuss what to expect on the next episode.

24:20 Listener Feedback

GeekFox comments on episode 193 that sometimes, ex’es really are just jerks.

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Make a Donation

Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wanna play?

Poly Weekly on Facebook

Poly Weekly on Twitter