PW 274: Am I jealous?

Listener W writes in to ask: am I jealous, or is this situation unfair?

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Introduction and host chat

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:20 Topic: Am I jealous?

Wendy writes in to ask advice from the cohost team: am I jealous? She gets a certain number of hours a week with her top, and compares that to the number of hours his wife enjoys with him. She relays anecdotes of her top engaging in sex with another bottom, which was beyond the scope of their agreement, and with his wife, which was beyond her expectations. She relays a situation in which she watched the children for his and his wife’s anniversary trip, but her own collaring anniversary went unnoticed.

Is she jealous and how should she cope? Cohosts Joreth, Pepper and Franklin share insights and give advice, including making a list of the things she needs to feel secure in a relationship and how she would like for commitment to be shown.

20:40 Announcements

Poly in Pictures blog on jealousy – for a little jealousy humor

21:40 Feedback

  • Musqrat comments on the Sister Wives commentary from episode 266, comparing to a sort of institutionalized D/s situation
  • A caller who believes in religious polygyny makes a call for tolerance
  • DDog calls in to appreciate the term “anchors” from episode 260

35:40 Thanks to Earl and John for their donations

Wrap-up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com and attach an audio comment or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. Friend us on Twitter or Facebook, leave a comment here or discuss your own topics at the forums. Check out PolyWeekly podcasts at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review! Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Poly Weekly 247: What’s OK in poly?

Joreth, Pepper and Franklin discuss what’s “OK” in poly

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Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to http://www.scarleteen.com; friend us on Twitter or Facebook, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums.

Announcements

  • Forked Tongue novel
  • Study participants 18+ willing to fill out a questionnaire and do a saliva sample contact salivaresearch@umich.edu or 734-763-7121

Topic: What’s OK in poly?
Today’s topic is courtesy of Friggin’ Limey, who wrote in with the questions:

  • Is it normal, or even OK, for me to feel the need to want to see someone else whenever my wife has a date with a lover?
  • When she goes on a date I do ask her if they had sex or not. Does this sound reasonable?
  • And from MinVanLib on Twitter: If the root of jealousy is insecurity, does one need to end the relationship to get secure first?

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions.”

Polyamory 201 with Tristan Taormino

Went to a fantastic session last night with my awesome friend Yvonne. Babeland in Seattle was hosting the ever-articulate Tristan Taormino and her Poly 201 session on poly relationships and what makes or breaks them. My notes from the session:

  • Key to dealing with NRE: patience, compassion, communication.
  • Key to dealing with poly time management: organization, Google calendar, negotiation skills.
  • It’s not just “you’ve got Tuesday nights;” time carries with it a tremendous emotional charge.
  • Key to dealing with poly micommunication: honesty, self-awareness, and (surprise, surprise) COMMUNICATION.
  • Disclose, disclose, disclose! You might not think it’s a big deal that your new girlfriend is a stripper, but your husband might.
  • Keys to addressing poly agreement violation: make explicit agreement with a checklist. Make a “gray area” rule.
  • Jealousy as a behavior is modeled and rewarded in our society. Too many pop culture songs, movies and TV shows make reference to someone “really” loving a partner if he/she gets jealous.
  • So let’s unpack jealousy: envy, posessiveness, competitiveness, feeling excluded, insecurity.
  • Re jealousy: when you think “someone is smarter than me,” you really mean “I am not smart enough”
  • Solution to jealousy: face your fear. Take it out to dinner. See it for what it is.
  • Harness NRE for good and not evil, knowing it will come back to your existing relationship. When your partner comes home all hopped up on endorphins, jump him!–Selfish person’s guide to NRE

Poly Weekly #210: I’m jealous of Facebook!

This week’s Poly Weekly #210: I’m jealous of Facebook!.

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

Topic: Does Facebook make you jealous?
If you’re the jealous type, avoid Facebook
Full study

Feedback: Poly Weekly #206: Sanford and Sin
The Atlantic rebuttal
Salon’s response

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #201: Would *this* one make you less jealous?

This week’s Poly Weekly #201: would this partner make you less jealous?.

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

Announcements
PolyCamp Ontario is August 14-16th

Topic: Will this lover make you less jealous?
Darin provided these links:
Science Blogs commentary
Original Psychology Today article

1:35 Announcements
Minx talks about Polycamp Ontario

2:30 Today’s Topic
Minx starts by talking about an article in Psychology Today “What kind of lover should I take to make you less jealous.”
Minx talks about how men and women typically differ as far as what makes them jealous; what makes us feel threatened? Are these catagories
actually useful considering how different each of us are? Article claims if you are going to cheat, choose somebody not as good as your partner.
Minx goes through the comments and talks about what she sees.

8:56 Miss Poly Manners
Torn Between Two Lovers writes in and asks Miss Poly Manners advice on scheduling.

14:10 Feedback
14:12 Shaded wrote in and talked about what they have learned from Poly Weekly

14:58 Musqurat called in, talking about your exes.

17:40 Vincent wrote in about Episode 193

20:05 John Doe wrote in about Feast of Love unhappy about the way Minx talked about religion.

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #196: Jealousy roundtable

This week’s Poly Weekly #196: Jealousy roundtable.

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0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the forums at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

2:00 Pre-Discussion
Minx introduces Gabriel and they have a short discussion about Conflation.

9:05 Poly Round Table from Conflation
and we begin the jealousy discussion; moving to the nature and origin of jealousy; minx takes it back to the steampunk vibrator.

22:50 Minx and Gabriel discuss what to expect on the next episode.

24:20 Listener Feedback

GeekFox comments on episode 193 that sometimes, ex’es really are just jerks.

Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

From Poly Living 2009: Compersion Immersion

Sitting at Eric Francis’ Compersion Immersion seminar here at Poly Living, my first seminar of the day (had some health issues this morning).

First memorable quote of the day: “Without embracing a journey of compersion, we are lying sacks of shit.”

Definition of “compersion” (per Eric): A transient emotion that we are capable of experiencing in a specific erotic experience.

  • It’s about embracing change and authenticity.
  • “If you don’t experience attachment or jealousy–you’re like one of those yogis that lives in a cave and breathes once in 150 years–you’re just not that common”
  • “Jealousy is the ego’s reaction to the fact that it’s being held by the short hairs over the abyss.” And its existence doesn’t really make a difference. Read more about jealousy and the abyss here.
  • “There is something profoundly erotic going on every time there is a jealous episode.” Reminds me of Damn6InchHeels, who confesses she loves to be jealous; it’s an erotic experience for her.
  • “Love and attachment are basically incompatible” Hmm. Not sure I agree with that. It’s human to form attachments and to bond. Possessiveness isn’t, but I think possessiveness and attachment aren’t the same thing.
  • Comparing avoiding jealousy to avoiding the stall when flying a plane–when flying a stalled plane, the best fix is to point the plane towards the ground, which is the least intuitive thing. When facing jealousy, fly into the stall.
  • I disagree with his definition of “attachment;” looking up the dictionary definition, which has nothing to do with not being able to live without someone or anything unnatural, unhealthy or possessive. It is simply “affectionate regard.” Trace leans over and comments that he might be using the Buddhist definition of attachment, which does in fact have a negative connotation in the sense that attachment is the source of suffering.
  • Defining compersion as letting go.
  • “In order to overcome jealousy, masturbate with your partner over and over again, like 5,000 times” to confirm one’s erotic definition is to oneself, not the other person. Once again I disagree (not that I’d mind masturbating 5,000 times, although my hand might get tired). I’m all about generously sharing sexual energy and self, and “maintaining one’s egoic shell” to me isn’t what love and vulnerability are about. And I also don’t believe that attachment is unhealthy; I believe it’s brave and significant to human experience.
  • New classification: “I’m monogamous, but… ” (I’m cheating/unhappy/not having sex, etc.)

Poly Weekly #151: Can you love two at once?

The new Polyamory Weekly #151: Can You Love Two at Once is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #151

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments or discuss your own topics at the new FORUMS at http://forum.polyweekly.com.

1:30 Host Chat
Looking forward to Sex 2.0 conference; introducing Alan’s segment from the Poly Living conference

3:30 Topic: Can you love two at once?
This stems from a Dear Abby question from a woman who says she is in love with two people at once and wonders if that is possible–just asking the question in this way shows progress. And Abby’s response isn’t too bad–she begins by saying that you can love two people for different reasons. She then shows her monogamous bias, but the openness with which the question is addressed shows a marked difference from past responses.

7:50 Report: Poly Living Conference
Alan of the Poly in the Media blog took a voice recorder to the Poly Living conference and brought us along for the ride!
9:00 Anita Wagner discusses her workshop on jealousy; she recommends communication, education and owning one’s own jealousy
11:20 Serena Anderlini-d’Onofrio discusses her workshop on bisexuality; Alan asks about being “bisensual” or “bi-intimate” without being bisexual
14:45 Michel Z talks about being more honest in relationships and when not to be 100% honest
16:15 C.T. Butler discusses the consensus decision-making process as a formal model for decision-making within a poly family; cooperation rather than competition
18:30 Deborah Anapol, the conference’s keynote speaker, points out that we need to live outside our conditioning and take charge of our own relationship decisions
Alan applauds that Loving More stepped in to take over the conference after George Marvil’s death–quit giving to the tobacco corporations, go to PolyLiving.org for next year’s conference; check LovingMore for their east and west coast retreats in the meatime

21:15 Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

Want Poly Weekly for your very own? Get the Best of Poly Weekly collection from PodDisc.com

Our intro and outro music is courtesy of Pacemaker Jane, “Good Suspicions”

Poly Weekly #133: Does jealousy equal love?

The new Polyamory Weekly #133: Does jealousy equal love? is up! Direct download is at Poly Weekly #133

Subscribe now with iTunes one-click!
Please Digg this podcast at Digg’s PW podcast page!

0:00 Introduction and host chat
Intro, under-18 warning and re-direction to www.scarleteen.com; friend me on Twitter and answer questions about what you want on the show, call 206-202-POLY with comments.

1:30 Announcement: Many Loves workshop
This workshop and support series takes place at the Center on Halsted in Chicago, Saturday, December 8th, $15, 10:00 a.m.-1:00 p.m. I’ll be there!

2:25 Topic: Does jealousy equal love?
Bill guest co-hosts to discuss this topic that Gafil brought up–why is it that the more deeply we love someone, the more intense the jealousy can feel? Why in our society does a lack of a jealous rage mean a lack of love?

25:10 Resource Review: Operational Intelligence
Sukima calls in a comprehensive review of Nan Wise’s Operational Intelligence in New York from November; 29:20 Trace calls in his experience of the same seminar and what he took home; if you’re in the area, be sure to check out PolyamorousNYC that meets the third Wednesday of every month

31:35 Wrap-up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email cunningminx@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at polyweekly.libsyn.com. Thanks for listening!

Does jealousy equal love?

A question from Gafil that I thought I’d throw out to you guys–what do you think?

Why is it that, in our case at least, the stronger the love between us, the more intense the jealousy can be?

Why is that so often the case? Why do we associate deep love with increased jealousy?

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