PW 398: Poly-mono mix

Monogamy_Cabernet_SauvignonHow a monogamous person copes with a poly relationship 

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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

1:53 Topic: How does a monogamous person adjust to polyamory?

  • Take your time It’s OK to take your time exploring polyamory. You don’t have to do everything all at once TODAY. Give yourself time to find your self-identity.
  • Take care of yourself Avoid “shoulding” all over yourself. “Should” is the enemy of happy. It’s OK to experience negative emotions.

LustyGuy has advice on dealing with specific events and using a three-step process to deal with tough events:

  1. Discuss Before the event, do a check-in with your partner to go over how you feel about your relationship—good stuff that has happened, things you’re both working on, appreciate any recent affection/chores, etc. Confirm the love!
  2. Distract During the event, distract yourself! Have a night with your friends, watch bad TV, get a massage. Have fun while the tough event is going on!
  3. Do After the event, do a check in with your partner and demonstrate that you still love each other after the event. Breakfast in bed, do each other—whatever will help you to bond and come back together.

More tips:

  • Request behaviors And remember that in discussions, focus on specific behaviors rather than vague emotional states. Rather than saying “I need to be the primary,” for example, you might ask that you get regular Friday night dates, morning sex or sappy, sexy text messages.
  • Write your user manual And of course, write your own user manual!
  • Lather, rinse, repeat Repeat the thing you have difficulty with to help develop your coping mechanisms. Just do it! (And then do it again and again!)
  • Be aware of warning signs If you’re resorting to alcohol, drugs or dangerous behavior in order to deal with polyamory, this may not be the lifestyle for you. It’s OK not to be polyamorous; please take care of yourself first.
  • Get a support network Find online or real-life communities who have been through this before and gather a social support network, even if you self-identify as monogamous

23:45 Happy Poly Moment

Derek writes in about finding his local poly community in Tulsa, OK!

25:20 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 397: Relationship land mines

land mine lolcat1LustyGuy and Minx pre-ponder common relationship land mines

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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

3:20 Topic: How to prethink relationship land mines

Relationship land mines sound effect by harpoyume via Freesound

Minx and LustyGuy came up with a series of questions to think about to give some pre-thought to what kind of best person you want to be in a relationship. Even if you have rules against some of these behaviors, know that many or most of them will happen, anyway. And what will you do when that happens? (Please don’t make another rule against it or clamp down harder on the rule!)

So with the understanding that experience shock happens and you react in an unanticipated way, give some thought about some of these classic relationship land mines.

  • How will you respond when your partner falls in love with another woman? What about another man?
  • How will you respond when your partner is enjoying NRE with a new partner?
  • How will you respond when your partner dates someone who seems smarter or prettier than you? Richer? Better job?
  • How will you feel when you fall in love with someone other than your partner?
  • How will you see your existing relationship when you have a shiny new one?
  • How will you respond to seeing your partner hold hands or snuggle with someone new?
  • How will you respond to a request for privacy?
  • How will you respond if the new person wants to move in? What if your partner wants him to move in?
  • How will you respond if your new partner turns out to be more into your husband/wife than you? Will you be able to support them?
  • How will you respond when your fears are triggered?
  • How will you respond when you feel insecure?
  • How will you maintain intimacy and excitement with your current partner?
  • How will you keep up communication with your partner(s) to address issues early?
  • How will you support your partner’s new romances? How will you support their loss/ with your partner being hurt?
  • How will you support your partner’s choices, even if they don’t match yours?
  • How will you respond when you aren’t getting what you want?
  • How will you respond when your new lover isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you respond when your partner isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you respond when your metamour isn’t getting what he/she wants?
  • How will you support your metamour?
  • How will you maintain communication with your metamour?
  • How will you respond when there are issues with your metamour?

19:15 Happy Poly Moment

Erika writes in with a great story about being herself on OKC and getting great results!

22:15 Thank you

Thank you to ChasingJoy for being our newest PW Playmate!

22:50 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 396: Minx gets bawdy!

LustyGuy and Minx review a poly play, discuss a sexy article, and Minx gets bawdy!minx bawdy

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1:00 Announcements and Host Chat

7:45 Topic: When women pursue sex, even men don’t get it

This interesting article citing a number of studies about both rat and human behavior has been making the rounds. What do you think? When women pursue sex, even men don’t get it

19:45 Special: Minx gets bawdy

This time, Minx remembered to hit record! This bawdy story by Minx was performed live at the Bawdy Slam in Seattle on June 12, 2014.

29:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 376: When to bow out

 

The people in the relationship are the only ones who decide when it ends

The people in the relationship are the only ones who decide when it ends

Should you leave a relationship because others tell you to?

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1:30 Topic: When to bow out

K has been in a relationship for over two years for over 40 hours a week and feel completely committed. His wife refuses to see or communicate with K, and that wife has been diagnosed with stage three terminal cancer. Should K bow out of this relationship she’s put so much into?

Our response:

  • Resist the urge to value the original couple more highly than subsequent relationships. When a partner or metamour faces hard times, support rather than absence is generally a compassionate response.
  •  Rather than taking advice from others, ask the people involved what they want. Ask him and her what they want. No one else’s opinion matters.
  • Say what you want. You are in a valid relationship and have a voice.
  • Remember that you do also always have the power to leave if the situation becomes untenable or unhealthy for you.

10:45 Happy Poly Moment

K shares a fabulous happy poly moment of spending casual, pizza-and-pajamas time with a metamour and that metamour’s wife.

13:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 375: Minx’s big announcement

 

Our handfasting ceremony journal and ribbons

Our handfasting ceremony journal and ribbons

Minx and LustyGuy share a personal announcement

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1:00 Host chat

Welcome our sponsor, GetSTDTested. Use code polyweekly to save 10% at checkout!

4:30 Topic: Minx’s big announcement

Minx, LustyGuy and L are headed to Costa Rica for their commitment ceremony, with L officiating. Minx and LustyGuy share stories of how it came about and some of the mononormative pitfalls they ran across.

22:45 Happy Poly Moment

Kev shares stories of poly meetup groups in Sweden for fikas as well as a poly pub crawl, something we should implement in Seattle! Swedish Poly Organization

26:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 368: Metamour cock block

What do you do when your metamour cuts off communications?

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1:00 Host chat with Minx and LustyGuy

9:00 Topic: Metamour cock block

Listener R writes in asking for advice on a situation in which her once-friendly metamour J asked for personal time and space that lead to a six-month communication blockade. The silence adversely affected both R and her partner’s (J’s husband) relationship. Question: how do you reopen lines of communication with someone who won’t talk to you anymore? Minx and LustyGuy suggest:

  • You can’t force someone to communicate with you, so it’s pointless to keep asking.
  • Do your best to take care of yourself and tend your own garden: deal with your own jealousy and insecurities.
  • Do your best to nurture the health of your relationship with R.

18:00 Happy Poly Moment

  • GreedyPaul shares a moment of joy at Camp Perv
  • Timothy shares some fun, snuggly HPMs derived from starting up a regular movie night with his poly family! “THIS is how poly should work, THIS is what I’ve been hoping for. It was a simple moment, but it was memorable.”

21:50 Feedback

  • Our estimable solo poly guru, AggieSez, calls in to respond to episode 364 on being in love and vetoed and recommends that even if your time with your partner is so rare that it seems a shame to bring up tough relationship stuff, ovary/man up and do it!
  • Emma asks about an issue mentioned in episode 365 on meetups: how do you deal with people feeling stuck next to someone they might not be interested in talking to?
  • Isha calls in to ask about how to handle a long-distance poly relationship, and LustyGuy offers some great advice:
    • Never underestimate the power of a distraction. Do something fun!
    • Make dates—schedule phone calls like a date, complete with dinner, wine and dress up for it.
    • Keep a paper journal every day and exchange it with your partner at your next meeting.
  • Southern Poly Gathering is a poly camping weekend happening October 17-20 in Florida—join a great group of polys!

Thanks!

Thanks to Elizabeth and Yani for their donations this week!

37:50 Poly music

Rolling out with a cool poly composition Can’t Help But Fly from Naima Penniman and A McNatt

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 363: New to poly; same old drama

How does a poly and kink newbie handle dating a monogamous submissive?

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1:00 Host chat

LustyGuy cohosts! And for some reason, we start talking about anal dildos.

2:00 Topic: I’m new to poly and kink and trying to date a monogamous partner covertly

Jason writes in to ask advice. He’s new to both poly and kink. He’s in love with a new married partner who identifies as monogamous, sees him without her husband’s consent and claims to no longer love her husband.

Minx mentions NLE = New Lifestyle Energy. The pull and power of the first poly and/or kink relationship can be exhilarating and overwhelming… and can lead to some bad decisions.

19:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 359: Being poly, out and pregnant

How do you handle coming out when your pregnancy forces the poly issue?

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1:00 Announcements

13:20 Topic: Pregnant, poly and being judged

A pregnant listener with two boyfriends asks how to avoid being judged when coming out about the nature of her relationship. Advice:

  • When people judge, it’s a commentary on their own experiences, not yours. Surprisingly, it’s rarely about you; it’s about them! Listen and express sympathy and compassion for any unpleasant incidents they reveal to you.
  • Use humor whenever possible.
  • Be careful legally and explore the ramifications.

23:15 Feedback

  • Kei gave feedback on episode 357 regarding dealing with differing levels of sexual drive in relationships.
  • Olaf wrote in to comment that any new web series on polyamory would help with exposure.
  • It’s the first of May! Outdoor fucking starts today!

29:00 Thank you

Thanks to Keith and Kristin for their generous donations this week!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 345: Poly for the holidays

How do you handle poly partners around the family?

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1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • LustyGuy cohosts
  • Poly Prom in Richmond, VA, Saturday, March 9, 7:00 PM at the gay community center of Richmond Hall Info on FetLife

3:00 Topic: Poly for the holidays

How LustyGuy, L and Minx handled being out and in for holiday family visits. Tips: ask each person what he/she needs to feel happy and loved for the holiday and make sure each person gets those things. Take care of yourself first.

12:20 Happy Poly Moments

  • Lila shares a happy moment of coming out in defense of polyamory and bisexuality in her LGBTQ studies class. Great courage!
  • Hera shares her first poly experience

15:30 Feedback

  • Scott on the Swingset mashup episode argues that drama isn’t inherent in poly relationships, although LustyGuy points out that drama is common in first-time relationships, and first-time poly would fit the bill
  • Quick plug for Pedestrian Polyamory podcast if you’re not into kink or geekiness
  • Joreth called in to recommend hosting a poly movie night; her list of poly-themed movies is here
  • K shares his light bulb moment on the episode with Aggie on treating non-primaries well LustyGuy comments that change in a relationship should be welcomed and embraced because growth is essential for healthy relationships.

26:30 Thank you

Thanks to Joan, Ariane and Sean for joining the PW Playmates!

Outro

Our holiday outro music is Heat Miser by the Locals

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 339: Dating someone in a doomed relationship

Listeners, LustyGuy and Minx give advice on dating someone who is in a long-term relationship that is imploding

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1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • LustyGuy tells a story

4:00 Topic: Dating in a doomed relationship

A listener writes in to ask how to deal with dating someone whose marriage is falling apart. Should she distance herself? How does she deal with the soon-to-be-ex wife?  PW listeners give advice, including:

  • Stop dating him and be supportive friend to both
  • If the relationship is already long-term, don't leave, but offer to be a sounding board (we disagree that you should offer to be a sounding board but agree that not taking sides or speaking ill of anyone is key)
  • Be prepared to fail
  • Set limits by saying hurtful behavior and words won't be tolerated
  • Be aware that how he acts during this breakup is very telling in how he will eventually treat YOU

29:20 Happy Poly Moment

David writes in to share his experience going from cheating to DADT to honesty and is rewarded with some frubble.

37:00 Thanks

Thanks to David for the donation!

Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!


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