PW 376: When to bow out

 

The people in the relationship are the only ones who decide when it ends

The people in the relationship are the only ones who decide when it ends

Should you leave a relationship because others tell you to?

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1:30 Topic: When to bow out

K has been in a relationship for over two years for over 40 hours a week and feel completely committed. His wife refuses to see or communicate with K, and that wife has been diagnosed with stage three terminal cancer. Should K bow out of this relationship she’s put so much into?

Our response:

  • Resist the urge to value the original couple more highly than subsequent relationships. When a partner or metamour faces hard times, support rather than absence is generally a compassionate response.
  •  Rather than taking advice from others, ask the people involved what they want. Ask him and her what they want. No one else’s opinion matters.
  • Say what you want. You are in a valid relationship and have a voice.
  • Remember that you do also always have the power to leave if the situation becomes untenable or unhealthy for you.

10:45 Happy Poly Moment

K shares a fabulous happy poly moment of spending casual, pizza-and-pajamas time with a metamour and that metamour’s wife.

13:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 375: Minx’s big announcement

 

Our handfasting ceremony journal and ribbons

Our handfasting ceremony journal and ribbons

Minx and LustyGuy share a personal announcement

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1:00 Host chat

Welcome our sponsor, GetSTDTested. Use code polyweekly to save 10% at checkout!

4:30 Topic: Minx’s big announcement

Minx, LustyGuy and L are headed to Costa Rica for their commitment ceremony, with L officiating. Minx and LustyGuy share stories of how it came about and some of the mononormative pitfalls they ran across.

22:45 Happy Poly Moment

Kev shares stories of poly meetup groups in Sweden for fikas as well as a poly pub crawl, something we should implement in Seattle! Swedish Poly Organization

26:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 368: Metamour cock block

What do you do when your metamour cuts off communications?

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1:00 Host chat with Minx and LustyGuy

9:00 Topic: Metamour cock block

Listener R writes in asking for advice on a situation in which her once-friendly metamour J asked for personal time and space that lead to a six-month communication blockade. The silence adversely affected both R and her partner’s (J’s husband) relationship. Question: how do you reopen lines of communication with someone who won’t talk to you anymore? Minx and LustyGuy suggest:

  • You can’t force someone to communicate with you, so it’s pointless to keep asking.
  • Do your best to take care of yourself and tend your own garden: deal with your own jealousy and insecurities.
  • Do your best to nurture the health of your relationship with R.

18:00 Happy Poly Moment

  • GreedyPaul shares a moment of joy at Camp Perv
  • Timothy shares some fun, snuggly HPMs derived from starting up a regular movie night with his poly family! “THIS is how poly should work, THIS is what I’ve been hoping for. It was a simple moment, but it was memorable.”

21:50 Feedback

  • Our estimable solo poly guru, AggieSez, calls in to respond to episode 364 on being in love and vetoed and recommends that even if your time with your partner is so rare that it seems a shame to bring up tough relationship stuff, ovary/man up and do it!
  • Emma asks about an issue mentioned in episode 365 on meetups: how do you deal with people feeling stuck next to someone they might not be interested in talking to?
  • Isha calls in to ask about how to handle a long-distance poly relationship, and LustyGuy offers some great advice:
    • Never underestimate the power of a distraction. Do something fun!
    • Make dates—schedule phone calls like a date, complete with dinner, wine and dress up for it.
    • Keep a paper journal every day and exchange it with your partner at your next meeting.
  • Southern Poly Gathering is a poly camping weekend happening October 17-20 in Florida—join a great group of polys!

Thanks!

Thanks to Elizabeth and Yani for their donations this week!

37:50 Poly music

Rolling out with a cool poly composition Can’t Help But Fly from Naima Penniman and A McNatt

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 363: New to poly; same old drama

How does a poly and kink newbie handle dating a monogamous submissive?

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1:00 Host chat

LustyGuy cohosts! And for some reason, we start talking about anal dildos.

2:00 Topic: I’m new to poly and kink and trying to date a monogamous partner covertly

Jason writes in to ask advice. He’s new to both poly and kink. He’s in love with a new married partner who identifies as monogamous, sees him without her husband’s consent and claims to no longer love her husband.

Minx mentions NLE = New Lifestyle Energy. The pull and power of the first poly and/or kink relationship can be exhilarating and overwhelming… and can lead to some bad decisions.

19:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 359: Being poly, out and pregnant

How do you handle coming out when your pregnancy forces the poly issue?

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1:00 Announcements

13:20 Topic: Pregnant, poly and being judged

A pregnant listener with two boyfriends asks how to avoid being judged when coming out about the nature of her relationship. Advice:

  • When people judge, it’s a commentary on their own experiences, not yours. Surprisingly, it’s rarely about you; it’s about them! Listen and express sympathy and compassion for any unpleasant incidents they reveal to you.
  • Use humor whenever possible.
  • Be careful legally and explore the ramifications.

23:15 Feedback

  • Kei gave feedback on episode 357 regarding dealing with differing levels of sexual drive in relationships.
  • Olaf wrote in to comment that any new web series on polyamory would help with exposure.
  • It’s the first of May! Outdoor fucking starts today!

29:00 Thank you

Thanks to Keith and Kristin for their generous donations this week!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 345: Poly for the holidays

How do you handle poly partners around the family?

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1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • LustyGuy cohosts
  • Poly Prom in Richmond, VA, Saturday, March 9, 7:00 PM at the gay community center of Richmond Hall Info on FetLife

3:00 Topic: Poly for the holidays

How LustyGuy, L and Minx handled being out and in for holiday family visits. Tips: ask each person what he/she needs to feel happy and loved for the holiday and make sure each person gets those things. Take care of yourself first.

12:20 Happy Poly Moments

  • Lila shares a happy moment of coming out in defense of polyamory and bisexuality in her LGBTQ studies class. Great courage!
  • Hera shares her first poly experience

15:30 Feedback

  • Scott on the Swingset mashup episode argues that drama isn’t inherent in poly relationships, although LustyGuy points out that drama is common in first-time relationships, and first-time poly would fit the bill
  • Quick plug for Pedestrian Polyamory podcast if you’re not into kink or geekiness
  • Joreth called in to recommend hosting a poly movie night; her list of poly-themed movies is here
  • K shares his light bulb moment on the episode with Aggie on treating non-primaries well LustyGuy comments that change in a relationship should be welcomed and embraced because growth is essential for healthy relationships.

26:30 Thank you

Thanks to Joan, Ariane and Sean for joining the PW Playmates!

Outro

Our holiday outro music is Heat Miser by the Locals

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 339: Dating someone in a doomed relationship

Listeners, LustyGuy and Minx give advice on dating someone who is in a long-term relationship that is imploding

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1:00 Announcements and host chat

  • LustyGuy tells a story

4:00 Topic: Dating in a doomed relationship

A listener writes in to ask how to deal with dating someone whose marriage is falling apart. Should she distance herself? How does she deal with the soon-to-be-ex wife?  PW listeners give advice, including:

  • Stop dating him and be supportive friend to both
  • If the relationship is already long-term, don't leave, but offer to be a sounding board (we disagree that you should offer to be a sounding board but agree that not taking sides or speaking ill of anyone is key)
  • Be prepared to fail
  • Set limits by saying hurtful behavior and words won't be tolerated
  • Be aware that how he acts during this breakup is very telling in how he will eventually treat YOU

29:20 Happy Poly Moment

David writes in to share his experience going from cheating to DADT to honesty and is rewarded with some frubble.

37:00 Thanks

Thanks to David for the donation!

Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!


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PW 331: The scheduling dance

How to manage a poly dating schedule without stepping on toes

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1:00 News and host chat

  • LustyGuy cohosts
  • I’ll be giving Content Creation for the Online Activist at CatalystCon September 14-16 in Long Beach

2:45 Topic: The schedule dance

Herbalwise calls in to ask best practices for coordinating schedules with a new partner while being considerate of the existing partner. If you can’t do a regular date night because of kids and whatnot, how do you grab time while remaining considerate of the life partner?

  • Question: why can’t dates be scheduled?
  • Question: why are you hesitating to speak to your life partner about dates and scheduling?
  • LustyGuy points out the importance of time budgeting
  • Minx recommends the three C’s of poly dating:
    • Clarity – be clear about what you want, need and will accept
    • Calendar – used shared calendars (Google is popular)
    • Communication – communicate with all parties before, during and after dates as needs shift and change
  • Recommendations from listeners via Facebook, Twitter and Google+ include:
    • Shared Google calendars and unlimited texting plans
    • Only have as many partners as you can handle and schedule time-wise
    • Schedule some events long in advance and leave blocks of time open for serendipitous meetings with lovers
    • Overlapping social circles, group dates and double dates
    • Teuxdeux for tasks

33:00 Happy Poly Moment

DDom shares joy in discovering a close community via FetLife.

37:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!


PW 329: “Reality” polyamory on Showtime

Showtime’s new reality show Polyamory: Married and Dating. Is it as good as we want or as bad as we fear?

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:30 News and host chat

  • Wanna go to Burning Man? We are raffling off a ticket in July as a fundraiser to send Minx to CatalystCon! For every $10 donation here, you’ll get one raffle entry. On July 31 (tomorrow!) we’ll draw and announce the winner of the ticket to Burning Man 2012! Void where prohibited.
  • LustyGuy will be giving a talk on Punching, Slapping and Kicking, Oh My! at Paradise, August 11.

5:00 Topic: Showtime’s new reality show on polyamory

Showtime has a new reality show called Polyamory: Married and Dating. It follows a triad and a quad and the conversations, conflicts and undercover action they experience. But is it any good?

What do we think? LustyGuy admires the craft and believes it fits the genre and audience expectations for Showtime After Dark perfectly. Minx (not a fan of reality TV in general) finds the characters accessible, far more so than anyone portrayed in Big Love or Sister Wives. While many of the characters annoy her personally and don’t impress her with their low level of emotional intelligence, the show is a far more accurate portrayal of polyamory than anything we’ve seen in the mainstream so far, and many of the characters do model good communication skills and emotionally intelligent behavior.

And special thanks to Scott Campbell for making it possible for us to view the episodes!

42:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

PW 327: Help! I’m rich, and I have a big penis!

What to do when your metamours get jealous of your wealth and well-hung dick

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

  • Minx and LustyGuy share the importance of owning your own poly shit.
  • Minx tells about a recent instance when the usually supportive LustyGuy asked for support himself, and Minx fell short. Instead of drama ensuing, Minx took the next opportunity to look at her shit and apologize for being an insensitive jerk.
  • Wanna go to Burning Man? We are raffling off a ticket in July as a fundraiser to send Minx to CatalystCon! For every $10 donation here, you’ll get one raffle entry. On July 30, we’ll draw and announce the winner of the ticket to Burning Man 2012! Void where prohibited.

10:00 Topic: Help! I’m rich with a big penis!

Cyotee calls in to ask for help: he’s rich with a big dick. What to do? Well, specifically, what to do when his metamours get jealous of his marathon lovemaking sessions and lavish trips with their sweeties? Minx and LustyGuy give advice:

  • Keep in mind that anyone can have great vacation sex. The new, outside lover is often in a perpetual state of NRE or “vacation sex.”
  • Don’t play the comparison game between you and your metamour, and don’t let your partners do it, either. Instead, find the joy in the moment and in each partner.
  • Show that you support the existing relationship. If you don’t know, ask your metamour how to keep their relationship happy and healthy.
  • Treat the relationship like a birthday party for an 8-year-old: bring a present for the birthday girl’s younger brother. Instead of buying your lover a $500 diamond necklace, buy a $250 necklace and a really nice bottle of scotch for your metamour. Let some of your love and attention for your lover spill over onto the metamour as well.
  • Or when you take your lover on a vacation, invite the metamour along. Or give him tickets to an event he’ll enjoy.

25:30 Happy Poly Moment

Charles and Sarah share the story of being married for 16 years with 4 kids and opening their marriage. They starting dating a couple, uncovered emotional baggage and took a break to deal with their own baggage and insecurities.

A few comments: Remember that your first relationship is with yourself. Also, while it’s nice to want to get back together with the couple you started dating, keep in mind that personal growth and appropriate relationships should be the goal, not one relationship in particular.

32:10 Feedback

Tony is a new listener who wrote in about a 90s song that is poly-ish: Three Is Family.

35:45 Thanks

Thanks to Eynstein, Wayne and Chris for the donations this week. Woo hoo!

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? :-) Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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